章 10: Chapter 10: Rebuilding
Ayanokoji POV
"OK I AM FUCKING DONE, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY!?" Sudo had yelled after being forced to his breaking point by Horikita
"I'll say it again! You cannot do basic maths! it's honestly surprising how you are even alive with how small your brain must be to not be able to integrate!" Horikita yelled as Sudo clenched his fists and placed his head onto the table
I looked over at Yamauchi and Ike and saw that they hadn't made much effort either, I sigh inwardly as I get up and move towards Sudo to see what he was doing
"Sudo, what exactly aren't you understanding?" I asked him as he in his frustrated state of mind says
"Everything! I don't get how to study Damnit!" he yelled as I shook my head
"Just be patient, have you ever found the area of a rectangle?" I asked him as he nodded
"Yea... I can do that much atleast" Sudo said as I nodded
"So imagine if we took a graph and drew a flat line from the Y-axis along the X-axis. The total measure would be the area under the line right? As we are measuring one thing in respect to another as we are in a velocity-time graph" I explained as he slowly nodded, absorbing the information
"So what if he drew a line that had many twists and turns along the same axis as the first one, we can't exactly find it's area like it is a rectangle as the shape isn't constant" I said as he nodded
"So what if we drew a rectangle for each height? that way we can measure the most accurate area for each portion" I said as he said back in surprise
"Hoh! but it would be a pain to find each and every rectangle's area!" he said as I nodded
"That is why we have integration, we use a formula to basically find the sum of all these rectangles to get the value, you now know the concept used, now focus on learning the formula and applying sense to it, ok?" I explained as he nodded Thanking me for my help
I made my way to Yamauchi and Ike to help them with their problems as the study session passed by with me tutoring the three as Horikita looked in shock
It seemed Horikita's self confidence was dropping and for good reason, It will only benefit her if she finally realized her own shortcoming and fixed it. I don't mind giving the push and guiding her through it but she needs to first have the doubt in her own capability to understand her flaws.
The study session ended with those three being satisfied and having made some progress at the very least, the exams were coming in about 2 weeks, by that time we should be done with the studying part
I packed my bag to get up as I see Horikita, looking frustrated at her own uselessness
"Horikita, are you okay?" I asked, knowing the answer already
"I am fine. I will be going now, see you tomorrow, Ayanokoji" she said as I nodded, it seems she needs space to rethink everything
she and I made our way back to our respective dorms, I am thinking about a lot of things as well
Am I really changing? Is it possible for me to change? or am I still the exact same, am I still in that place?
People out here have so many distinct pasts, history and opinion influenced by how they grew up. What does that make of me?
People tend to believe in what they have grown up learning but that can't apply to me now can it? I don't think it is objectively right to keep living a life like I had back at the whiteroom
I debated with myself over this for hours, not understanding the answer to my predicament. Is it possible for me to change? to be happy?
These thoughts have made me both tired as well as agitated, I should take a walk outside
I get out of my bed as I make my way towards a vending machine, wanting to get an orange juice as I couldn't drink coffee this late. It was almost 9pm and It doesn't help that I am still questioning my dilemma about my current state of mind
"Suzune I didn't think you would follow me this far" I heard a voice I had before, Horikita Manabu. It seemed him and Horikita were meeting discreetly.
"I am not the same person you knew.... I have grown." Horikita replied, her voice staggering a little
It seemed that she and her brother were having a sibling's talk, this might be the push she needed to get over the plateau she was facing.
"Why can't you simply give up on trying to follow me like a helpless dog?" Her brother mercilessly called her out at her inability to let go of her brother's shadow
"I-I...." Horikita tried to say but bites her tongue, unable to get words out
She is that scared of confronting her brother? I feel..... bad for her. A new feeling, remorse for another's condition
"I heard that you are in class D, it doesn't seem like anything's changed in the last 3 years. Because you've always been looking at my back, you've never been able to see your own flaws. Choosing to come to this school was another one of your mistakes." Manabu said as Horikita looked down, all of her failures in the past 2 days alone had started to pile up and affect her mental state
I really do hope that Horikita will be able to stand her ground atleast a little
"I...I will make it to class A. . ." she said as her brother scoffed at the declaration
"That's impossible. You'll never reach class A. Rather, your class will crumble before that. This school isn't as easy as you think it is." he said as Horikita steeled her resolve
"No. I swear, I will make it to class A!" she said as her brother let out a tch and moved closer to her
I could respect her ability to still hold onto her resolve in moments of despair like this. Hopefully her resolve can turn into something backed up by capability someday as well.
Her brother grabbed her wrist and pinned her to the wall, this is worrying. I might have to step in if he tries anything
"No matter how much I avoided you, you are still my younger sister. If people start to learn about you, it is me who will be disgraced. Leave this school immediately." he said as Horikita still fought back, small tears forming in her eyes
"N-no! I need to stay here! I will make it to class A!" Horikita held on desperately to that little hope as her brother prepared to strike her in the stomach
No. That's enough.
I rush in and grab his arm, twisting it behind his back. I had moved at speeds that could only be described as sub-sonic so it was surprising for the siblings when they had saw me
"A-Ayanokoji?" Horikita said in surprise as her brother narrowed his eyes on me
"You tried to hit your sister and slam her into concrete. That isn't winning you any brother of the year awards any time soon." I said as he replied back
"Eavesdropping isn't the most admirable thing either" he said as he tried to slap me in the face, as I grabbed his arm and twisted it down, not allowing his arm to escape as it felt like his arm was about to snap to him
"Stop, Ayanokouji..." Horikita said in her helpless state, I couldn't help but oblige seeing her current state as her brother tried to kick me with a sharp kick
I dodge is handedly and kick his leg that was still planted on the ground, making him fall down on his buttocks.
"Stop. It doesn't help you fighting me." I said as he got up and dusted his clothes
"Good reflexes. You also understood what I was trying to do. Were you taught in some way?" he asked me as I shrugged
"A little Piano and calligraphy, I did some tea ceremony on the side as well" I said as he looked toward his sister and said
"What an interesting boy, is he a friend of yours?" he asked his sister as for the first time since I had seen him, he had plastered a look of shock
"Y-yes, Ayanokoji is my friend" Horikita said as her brother's face was filled with utter shock, not believing that it was possible
Dude, how little faith do you have in your sister
"Ayanokoji... with you, things might get interesting around here" he said as I shrugged
He trailed off his words as he slowly disappeared into the night, leaving just me and Horikita in the alley
"Horikita, let's go and sit down" I say as she slowly nodded, her depression seemed to have only gotten worse
It seemed that my constant help and her own inability to help herself has left her hopeless and despaired, I need to do something.
I buy 2 orange juices from the vending machine and hand one to Horikita, I sit down beside her as she looked down, not taking a sip from the drink
"Hah... even martial arts.... Ayanokoji, what can you not do?" she asked as I shrugged
"You want to talk about it?" I asked as she looked down and sighed
"I..... I don't know..." she said as she trailed off, her eyes still a little puffy from the tears
"Is it about how nothing seems to be going your way since you joined?" I asked and threw the suggestion in as she nodded
"I just.... I am completely and utterly useless with you having to help me every time.... I am just worthless....." she says as I nodded
"You are completely correct, you have done nothing of worth and have only made more problems for yourself" I said as she looked down at my agreement to her self hate
She was fishing for sympathy, but it was only truth from my side that she will receive
"I.... What can I even do!? people are so unreasonable, they just can't understand me!" she said, still denying her problem as she doesn't want to admit as I sigh
"Is it the people who are unreasonable? or is it you?" I ask as she takes a moment to think as she stays quiet
"I.... I am not unreasonable. I work hard and I try to do what I do minding my business" she said as I nodded
"You do what you want to without having to bother with other's opinion. That was how you lived till now right?" I asked
"Yes.... I don't need friends, I am fine with myself." she said as I sighed
"This is the reason you are in Class D Horikita, your defect." I revealed as she stands up offended
"M-my defect! are you seriously saying I am the same as Sudo and the rest!?" she asked, offended at the comparison
"Are you saying you are different? they are students of class D and you are a student of class D. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter does it?" I asked as she gritted her teeth
"You cannot be serious! I am one of the best students and they put me in a class with literal retards! you can't be serious when you say that!" Horikita said as I sighed
"See this? this is what is holding you back." I say as she asked me back, offended
"And what is it!? what is my defect!?" she asked me aggressively as I simply point it out for her
"Your vanity. You hold such a high opinion of yourself that you see everyone else as beneath you. That is the reason you are in class D. This school doesn't see how smart, how talented you are. It sees what you can achieve in the real world. Being able to be humble and consider how others feel is important Horikita." I explained as she looked down, tears falling down as her hopelessness increased
"B-but I am trying! I am a good student, I can do a lot, why is it that it isn't enough, I am better than the rest of class D! why am I in this class!" Horikita says as she is breaking down while her tears run rampant, she has reached her breaking point it seems
she falls down to the ground, not being able to stand up anymore, wailing her helplessness and broken resolve. I sit down to the ground and hug her
"You aren't better Horikita, there is no such thing as a better person. You are you Horikita, someone who has her strengths and weakness's just like any other person, every person has those because that is a fundamental part of being a human. No person can be factually superior in everything as every human is distinct and has their own interests and aspirations. Please, for your own sake, let go of that mentality as it only harms you" I gave her a piece of reality as she absorbed my words especially well due to her weakened state
"B-but I-I..... y-you're right....." Horikita admitted as she continues to cry into my shoulder, her weakness harming her mental state further
" You don't need to be the best or perfect Horikita. you are a person, a person who has people around her to help her, people around to rely on, stop trying to do everything yourself and rely on others. The best Leader's guide people to be better and not just walk alone." I said as she nodded
I try to pull away from the hug but she latches on for dear life, I let her continue to hug me as I sigh
"Suzune. Are you ready to rely on others and try and be more understanding?" I asked her as she replied
"Y-yes, I will, you're right Ayanokoji. I wish I could do something to help..... but I am too weak...." she said as she looked me in the eye, I shook my head
"It's okay to be weak no Horikita. There isn't a shame in being weak, the shame is in staying weak. You have the opportunity to change and become a greater person, so do it for your own sake, become someone greater than your brother" I said as she pulled away from the hug, looking me straight in the eyes as she said with a smile
"Thank you.... Ayanokoji" she said with a smile as I nodded
"Tomorrow's study session, you are going to teach them with me, okay? with the both of us it will be more efficient" I said as she laughed a little
"You just think it's too bothersome, don't you?" she said as I shrugged
"Remember Horikita, it doesn't matter how much you fail now, you have learnt the lesson haven't you?" I say as she nods
"Yes.... every person has strengths and I am no different, trying to reach class A alone isn't possible, so I will do my best to get along with others..... even if they are annoying" she said with a little joking tone near the end as I say
"It isn't necessary to be friends with them, just be cordial and don't be rude by acting like you are the second coming of god" I say as she nodded with a smile and giggle
"I guess that does help..... Ayanokoji, I can't thank you enough for this..... you have quite literally opened my eyes....." she said as he dramatic words are something I sigh at
"It wasn't that deep... You just needed to hear that." I said as she laughed at it
Why is she even laughing and smiling at every word I say?
Regardless, it seems that Horikita breaking and finding her drive worked. She has adopted a better mindset and has realized her flaw, maybe now she can start working towards becoming who she wants to be, Horikita will become the leader she wants to be, a leader greater than her brother
We both got up and left back to our dorms, having new insight about our lives
Horikita had changed for the better while me?
I hadn't changed much since back then....
but I have definitely changed, I can't see the me from 2 months ago doing anything remotely close to this, I have changed, but I still have a long way to go.
But if I can change a little, maybe it is worth trying to go further into this journey.
These thoughts continue to stir in my mind as I drift off into sleep.
週次パワーステータス
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