This Taoist Master is too Frivolous
作者: Buli Dumpling© WebNovel
章 1: Chapter 1: Love What You Do
9 p.m.
Wu City, Yumin Street.
Xu Yang, as always, punctually pulled down the rolling shutter of the funeral shop, turned around, and boarded the second floor via the cluttered stairs.
All the while, a "girl" was trailing him.
This "girl" had a head of jet-black long hair, dressed in a red outfit, her body rather hot.
Yet, her long hair completely concealed her face, preventing anyone from seeing her features.
Moreover, she walked lightly, not making a sound with her steps.
If you look closely, you'd see...
Her feet didn't touch the ground when she walked; she was literally "floating".
Under the dim light, no shadow could be seen.
All of this, Xu Yang deemed as normal.
Because he knew that this "girl" was not a human, but a... female ghost!
This all started half a month ago.
.........
Xu Yang had a high school classmate, named Ma Long, who is now herding sheep in his hometown.
Of course, herding sheep was just a cover; what he really did was "treasure hunting".
Half a month ago, at Ma Long's invitation, Xu Yang performed a "ritual" in the mountains.
Ma Long explained that he had encountered some strange incidents while "treasure hunting". Considering Xu Yang had once boasted during school about learning Daoist skills from his grandpa and performing rituals in rural areas, possibly having some kind of "Daoist talent", Ma Long invited him over.
Xu Yang didn't believe in evil.
But under the pressure of their friendship, Xu Yang had to put on a show.
After all, in his view...
The so-called "ritual" was merely for peace of mind.
That night, on his way home after performing the "ritual", he encountered a woman hitchhiking.
Deep into the night, with inconvenient transportation in the mountains, and considering that the woman was pure, cute, and hot and didn't seem like a bad person, Xu Yang let her get into his car out of kindness...
However, the instant she got on the car, everything changed.
Her white long dress turned into a red outfit, her hair dishevelled, tips dripping with blood. She took off her own head and played with it with her hands as if juggling.
Xu Yang was scared half to death, thinking he encountered a "ghost ride". He drove shakily back to the city, but the female ghost didn't leave, instead, she clung to him!
For the past half a month, Xu Yang had tried every possible way to shake her off, but without exception, every time he got home, she would appear ghostly in front of him.
Xu Yang was about to collapse!
Although he had been dealing with the "business of the dead" with his grandpa since he was little and even witnessed his grandpa performing rituals...
But Xu Yang, born under the red flag and raised in the spring breeze, had been exposed to modern education since childhood, believing in science and never in these ghostly tales.
When Xu Yang was a child, every time he couldn't sleep at night, his grandpa would tell him a few ghost-catching stories.
But Xu Yang never believed them.
Now, he himself really hit a ghost?
From initially seeking help from friends, calling the police, to later going to temples to pray to Buddha, going to Taoist temples to pay tribute to Laozi, posting on the internet for help...
He even sought out the "blind witch" in the countryside and the Hui ethnic group's "A Hong"...
But without exception, no one could see the female ghost that was with him all the time.
From initial horror and worry to later numbness...
Xu Yang decided to just go with it!
Damn!
It's just a female ghost, isn't it?
Why the hell should I be scared!
If a man dies, he faces the sky!
.........
Xu Yang was an orphan.
As far as he could remember, he had never met his parents. He was looked after by his grandpa, and they made a living running the "funeral shop".
Over three years ago, his grandpa suddenly fell critically ill and died. Before dying, he handed the "funeral shop" over to Xu Yang.
Thankfully, although the business seemed somewhat bad luck-inducing, the profits were not bad, and with the memories of him and his grandpa living side by side in the shop, Xu Yang decided to continue running the business.
The front of the shop wasn't large but not small either.
It was two floors; the first floor had a storefront counter and a small storeroom in the back.
The second floor had a bedroom, a small living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom.
He climbed up to the second floor.
Xu Yang turned on the light, went to heat water in the kitchen, and then crawled into the bathroom.
The sound of water sounded out...
The female ghost floated in after him.
Xu Yang had a numb expression, turned a blind eye to the ghost, unfastened his trousers, and began to relieve himself.
The female ghost floated to the side motionless, her face completely hidden by her hair... at this moment, Xu Yang had the feeling that she was probably staring at his privates.
"What're you looking at?"
"Never seen one this big before?"
Half a month's worth of experiences had left Xu Yang bubbling with frustration. Even peeing was a watched event. He couldn't help but retort grumpily!
Lady Ghost: "..."
She cocked her head to the side, silent.
She hadn't spoken a single word over the past two weeks, seemed like she was a mute ghost!
"Damn it!"
" Can't a living person catch a break?"
Grumbling and cursing, Xu Yang didn't even bother to pull up his pants. His eyes bloodshot, he flung a punch at Lady Ghost, yelling in rage: "Come on, if you've got the balls, kill me!"
Whoosh!
Lady Ghost shifted in a blur, appearing on the other side, her delicate hand pointing at him...
Buzz!
Xu Yang instantly felt an odd force acting upon him, unable to even move a finger.
As if a bucket of cold water had doused the rage burning in him, Xu Yang instantly cooled down, saying, "Lady Ghost, don't be angry, I was just joking with you..."
Lady Ghost turned around, wooshed out of the bathroom with a long sigh.
Xu Yang panicked: "Lady Ghost, I'm sorry. Can you let me go, please?"
"Damn it!"
"Motherfucker, can you at least let me pull up my pants?"
Buzz.
The force disappeared.
Xu Yang slumped, his back soaked with cold sweat. He pulled up his pants tremulously, washed his hands, secretly thinking: "As the saying goes, better be a surviving jerk than a good dead. Although I have no idea who this Lady Ghost is or why she's been haunting me, at least she hasn't hurt me so far."
He headed to the kitchen.
The water had boiled.
Yu Yang took out two packets of instant noodles. He expertly sprinkled the seasoning and poured in boiling water.
Very soon.
The noodles were ready.
Lady Ghost floated over, popped open a lid, and lowered her head to sniff passionately.
Visibly, two streams of "white mist" wafted out from the instant noodles, wafted through her silky black hair, and then disappeared.
Lady Ghost patted her belly contentedly, then floated over to the living room sofa and switched on the TV.
Xu Yang was unfazed by this sight. Over the past half month, every time Lady Ghost ate, it was like this - a deep sniff, and scorching hot food immediately became cool, then moldy.
Quickly finishing off his noodles.
Seeing Lady Ghost still engrossed in the TV, Xu Yang quietly opened his computer and typed these words into Baidu -
"How to catch a ghost?"
Visiting a Taoist temple didn't help. Visiting a Buddhist temple didn't help. Seeing a witch also didn't help. So Xu Yang decided to handle it himself!
It's true that it's better to be a living rascal than a dead hero, but reason about living every day with a female ghost isn't appealing either.
He hit the enter key.
A ton of content appeared.
"Lao Wang catches ghosts?"
"At precisely 0:00, remember, it must be 0:00..."
"Prepare one candle and one rope."
Xu Yang's eyes lit up. This kind of precise timing - down to the second - seemed pretty reliable.
He continued to read -
Light the candle and place it in the center of the living room.
Tie one end of the rope around your left ankle.
The other end should be tied to the leg of the living room table (so the ghost can't carry you away).
Hold your breath, concentrate, close your eyes and visualize for 10 seconds, then yell at the top of your lungs:
"Come out! Get out here, now!"
After that...
"Your mom comes out to hit you, your dad comes out to hit you, your neighbors will call your parents, so your mom and dad will come to hit you again."
Xu Yang: "...."
Before he could say anything else, a strand of black hair drifted down from the sky, landed gently before his eyes.
Drip, drop!
Drip, drop!
Blood was dripping from the hair.
"Hahahaha..."
Xu Yang quickly closed the browser with a keystroke, saying awkwardly: "Lady Ghost, don't get me wrong. As a person involved in the dead business, it's all about loving what you do. I look at this stuff to deepen my professional expertise. I meant nothing else."
.
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