章 68: Chapter 66
On a normal basis, what I felt for Stevens was great, other times it was sweet and soothing. But there were times when I considered it dangerous, those feelings would push me over to the edge, it was scary because it made me fear whether it was actually more of an obsession than it was anything else.On that had been growing within me since we had been about eleven... when I realized that I was as much a victim of our chemistry as he was.
He finally placed his hand on mine and pushed it away, his eyes on the street where there were indeed people walking by.
" Be civilized, will you?" He asked in a light tone, then he blew out a breath and abruptly stood, placing both hands on his waist and hanging his head. I had been about to tell him to just relax when he talked, making me wonder what exactly was going on in his mind.
" Why is this so fucking confusing?"
I wanted to stand as well but my instincts advised me to stay put. He wasn't mad or anything, he just seemed to be in some sort of conflict with himself and was unaware of how to go about it.
" What?"
" This...us! Like, what the hell are we?"
" What do you want us to be?"
" I don't know, and that's exactly the problem Austin!"
" I really don't think it's a problem. "
" Of course it is. I mean, this feels right, and I don't want it to end, but then I also feel like I have no clue what I'm doing."
" That's why I told you to leave it all to me. "
" Austin.."
" Be my boyfriend. "
I don't know what he had been expecting me to say but that clearly wasn't it. He looked at me as if he hadn't quite understood what I said. As if his mind refused to believe that it was the actual truth. And when he attempted to talk, no words came out, he rather dropped his hands and leaned his head slightly back, staring at me with a look of total confusion.
Waiting for me to tell him I was joking so he should just take it easy.
But I wasn't kidding at all.
" You're already mine anyways, why not just make it official?"
He stood still, his eyes keen and his ears alert as he listened to each word I uttered and wondered whether I was being for real. Which I was. I loved him, and I knew for a fact that those feelings were reciprocated, so there was no actual reason fkr him to say no.
I wouldn't let him.
" Don't overcomplicate it in your head, technically, we're already a couple--"
" No we aren't, "
" Of course we are, or is there anyone else you wanna be with?"
" Austin you can't just expect me to date you."
I asked him why not and he didn't have a good enough answer. And I also realized that he hadn't said no. If it was something he absolutely didn't want, he would have turned down my offer the second he heard it. He was never scared of telling me the truth. And I saw it on his face that the idea appealed to him, he didn't want it to but it did, and he was probably trying to force himself to say no event though he knew he couldn't.
And what I liked the most was the breadcrumbs he left behind, the traces he wanted me to notice. Like how he looked at me with a desperate yearning only I could fulfill.
" I'm not asking you to wear matching clothes with me and parade around for everyone to see, " I clarified. It wasn't completely about declaring that we were a couple to everyone. I just wanted to set boundaries, if they all knew that we were in a relationship, then both our lives would be much easier.
" Kyle?"
I called out when he didn't say anything. He turned to me and pressed the tips of his thumbs and indexes to his eyes before he came towards me and stood directly Infront of me on the bench. I don't know whether it was because of the streetlight a few feet away, but his eyes seemed brighter, more alive.
" Let's give it time, " he said.
Those four words weren't exactly what I had wanted to hear, but they still made me extremely happy. It meant he actually considered what I had said and it hadn't freaked him out how I assumed it would have. And I assured him we could give it as much time as needed. Then I sat up straight and reached out for him, pulling him closer until he was standing between my legs, looking down at me with that little smile that I loved for. The one that made me realize what I felt wasn't actually an obsession but a genuine feeling of love. It was that simple, I just loved him.
" Wanna hang out tomorrow?" He shocked me by asking. And instead of replying I tucked my hands into the pocket of his hoodie and stayed put.
" What? You busy?"
" I'm never too busy for you, what time?"
" Noon, just like last time. "
" Your place?"
He tilted his head to the side in thought, but then he nodded and said we'd just meet there. I felt his hands in my hair. I knew the sort of site we were creating, and to know that he wasn't letting it bother him was the most precious gift he had given me that day. We were as close as we could be, yet somehow I still wanted more. I was never going to understand that so I didn't even try to. And were it not for the cold, I would have proudly asked him to take off the hoodie he was wearing was because I wanted to explore him.To study him without fear of him waking up and being shocked.
" Mind standing?" He asked after a pretty long while, I just assumed he wanted us to leave so I did as asked, but then he wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. And that single embrace told me that he also wanted more. I didn't want that moment to end, but I also knew that it had to. I wanted him to go home and get as much rest as possible because he both needed and deserved it. He worked too much, had always felt as if he had to do way more than everyone else. And I was even more worried after his earlier phonecall which just confirmed that his mom hadn't changed after all that time. I couldn't even imagine what it had been like to live with her in that state for all those years. How did he manage? I surely lacked the courage and I would be ver her tolerate a situation such as his, it just wasn't within me to be so understanding.
" Can we make it tomorrow morning instead?"
He asked and pulled slightly back to look at him and ensure he was fine.
" Sure, morning it is, " I consented, choosing to believe that he also couldn't wait to see me again because each time I I realized I was about to see him I was actually filled with optimism and had something great to look forward to.
⭐❄️⭐❄️⭐
KYLE'S POV
Last night Austin had left pretty Early. It hadn't even been nine yet, and when I asked he had told me just wanted to get home before nine to avoid any more unnecessary confrontations with his dad. So he had dropped me off and I had gone to bed with countless thoughts of him and wished that were just beging to be fulfilled. I shifted again and blindly searched the space next to me for my phone, then I checked the time and closed my eyes immediately after. The light making it impossible for me to stare at the screen too long. It was almost six in the morning.
I laid on my back, thinking of the proposal he had made the previous night and wondering where he always got that confidence because I needed a large portion of it. But I was actually really flattered, if never let him find that out but I was.
The truth was that he had been right. We were technically already a couple. But knowing that he wasn't messing around and genuinely wanted more satisfied me. And the proposal was extremely appealing. A little weird, but appealing nonetheless.And it was only weird because him and I had been best friends, so it automatically made things a bit strange to regard him as my actual boyfriend.
Blowing out a breath, I tried to force myself to keep on sleeping. We hadn't really discussed what time he was gonna come over so it was entirely up to him. And I couldn't believe he was giving me a hard time sleeping on the only day I could sleep in for as long as I wished. Even my mom wasn't home and.ahe had been my biggest concern when he asked whether we could meet at my place. I was really relieved on finding out she wasn't around. I'd have suggested Austin and I hang out in the evening, but I had the concert to attend. Max and Kira had wanted us to meet up way before we went there and spend some extra free time together but I had been forced to back out. There was no specific reason, I just wasn't in the mood and plus we would be seeing each other later on either way. I cared for them, really, I did....but they could be a bit much sometimes. Kira especially.
I finally gave up on sleep and after rubbing my eyes, I picked up my phone again and tried to distract myself. I even went on social media which was very rare for me to do.
But after a short round of idle cruising I stopped and did what most lovesick teenagers did,...I started reading the texts between Austin and me for no apparent reason. They just made me happy and enabled me to pass the time without feeling frustrated. Being with him was exciting and thrilling, but it also made me fearful. For instance, after the kiss we had shared in the clinic, I had already grown accustomed to his kisses. I wanted them more than I considered normal, sometimes I just stared at him and I had to force myself to look away before I did anything that would shock us both. But the real fear was what else he would make me addicted to.
When we had been kids, it had mostly only been his company and those casual touches. If him and I ever spend time together and he didn't dare to place his hand on me, even teasingly, I was immediately alerted that something was up with him. And if he affected me that much as a child, just how much was he affecting me now that we were older? I read through every text, then I got bored and played one of my favorite songs and placed the phone beside me on the pillow, listening to it on repeat not because I liked it, but rather because I was too lazy to change it. But I finally sat up and switched the phone off, deciding to just get out of bed and find something to do around the house. Although I had already done everything that ought to be done.
I ended up just sitting on the living room couch, pretending I wasn't thinking about him even though he basically owned shares in my head.
And when he called me a few minutes after seven, my heart pounded and I had to steady my breathing before I picked up the phone.
And when I did, all he said was, " Open up. "
I glanced back at the door before staring at my phone again. He had already cut the call and I stood and cautiously walked over to the door. A part of me thinking that it was a prank and he want actually there, but he was.
Call it instincts, but I knew he was standing on the other side. There was no shadow or noise or anything, I just knew with absolute certainty that he was indeed waiting for me to unlock the door. And when I did, it was to find him facing the other side.
" Morning, " I curtly said. He turned to face me, a smirk on his perfect features, and I realized he looked like he had literally just crawled out if bed and come over to my place. Dressed in sweatpants and a grey long sleeved t-shirt. He didn't respond, but rather walked into the apartment as if he hadn't even seen me standing there.
" Ooookay, " I mumbled to myself, locking the door and turning around, then I found him standing behind me, his hair a mess and that straight-out-of-bed look on every aspect of him. I'm not even sure whether I was supposed to find that attractive but I did. There was just something about how effortless he looked that I loved.
" Say something else, " he commanded, but his tone was light.... playful even.
" What?"
" I like how your voice sounds. Say something else, "
Shaking my head, I went to walk past him on my way back to the sofa, but then he just randomly grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me from behind before he started leading us to the living room. I walked along with him , but then he started leading me last the living room and I had to force him to stop.
" What on earth are you planning?"
He always has a motive, I knew that much about him.
" I'm just sleepy, come on. "
" You can sleep in the couch then. "
" Don't feel like it, I prefer your bed. Chill out Stevens, I swear I didn't come all the way here this early to try and fuck you. "
My eyes widened and I gasped. Not able to process those words correctly because of the lazy and casual way he had said them. he chuckled from behind me, the sound shirt and deep, then he tightened his hold around me and asked me to lead the way. And because it was him,I did. Although I couldn't understand how he'd still be sleepy even after riding his bike in the morning breeze all the way to our building, but I didn't bring it up. Once we got to my room,I reached for the lighswitch to turn the lights in but then he stopped me. And thatade me even more confused. It was as if we had temporarily changed roles. The one time I actually decided to switch on the lights in a room when I was with him, he stopped me from doing so. And then I realized that it was more for his own benefit than mine. He knew I was more confident in the dark. More capable of doing things I normally wouldn't.
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