章 83: Former Regrets and Hopes for the Future
These should do nicely.
Since his father always had something to say when Itsuki was home on
days he didn't work his part-time job, Itsuki had decided to save himself the
stress and go out, under the pretense of returning a comic book he had
borrowed from Amane.
After getting some cream puffs from one of Chitose's favorite patisseries
wrapped up to go as a present, he headed down the familiar road that took
him to Amane's apartment building.
He'd made sure to tell Amane that morning that he was coming to return
the book, so he assumed that his friend would be at home.
He entered the atrium and called up to Amane's unit with practiced
motions, idly wondering what he should get Amane to loan him next, when
he heard an unexpected voice on the intercom, and his body automatically
straightened up.
"Is that Akazawa?"
…I guess it is lunchtime on a weekend?
I know she's been making them dinner in the evenings, so it's not so
strange that she'd be there on a weekend afternoon.
He had heard directly from Amane that he sometimes spent his
weekends with Mahiru, but the idea that she was actually there in Amane's
apartment gave rise to some complicated, restless feelings.
"Oh, Miss Shiina, hello. Is Amane in?"
"Hello. Amane's gone out to run some errands and won't be back for
about another hour. He said he needed to send something at the post office,
then drop by the ATM and the stationery store."
"I see. All things he could have taken care of on a weekday… What a
thoughtless guy."
"You're quite right. I heard from Amane that you would be coming by,
and he gave me permission to let you in, so please come on up."
Amane had been aware that Itsuki was going to visit, but he must have
really wanted to get those errands done no matter what.
Itsuki would give him a good ribbing later for leaving Mahiru to handle
his visitors, but for the time being, he decided to take Mahiru at her word
and head up to the apartment.
"Welcome."
When he arrived at Amane's place, Mahiru welcomed him in as if it was
only natural, with the same clear voice he had just heard over the intercom.
She looked like she was already Amane's live-in girlfriend or wife, and
Itsuki couldn't help himself from quipping, "How can he not be sure if she's
into him, that dummy," but he mumbled it in such a quiet voice that she
couldn't hear him.
Mahiru looked confused at Itsuki, who had stiffened slightly. He smiled
vaguely to disguise his awkwardness, and as he took off his shoes and put
on the slippers that had been set out for him, he showed Mahiru the box of
cream puffs that he was carrying in his arms along with the comic book.
"Thanks for having me. Ah, these are some cream puffs I got. There's
enough in there for you, too, so eat them together, okay?"
Itsuki had bought enough for Mahiru, figuring that if Amane was eating
dinner with Mahiru every day, then they would have time to eat them that
evening, but he had never expected her to be there in the afternoon.
Mahiru accepted the box of cream puffs, and said bashfully, "I'm sure
Amane will be pleased," and gave a little bow. "Thank you, that's very
kind. Wait here, please, and I'll bring out some tea. Do you drink black
tea?"
"I'll drink anything. Thanks for your consideration."
"Not at all, you're an important guest. All right, then, wait just a minute,
please."
After showing Itsuki to the living room sofa, Mahiru went into the
kitchen with a gentle smile on her face.
She moved with such natural ease that Itsuki wasn't sure whether to be
impressed or astonished.
He mentally launched more friendly abuse at Amane for being a loser
who had made basically no progress despite having Mahiru so embedded in
his life.
After Itsuki had been waiting a little while, Mahiru came back holding a
tray on which she had placed two cups of tea and a plate with cream puffs
on it.
She set the cream puffs in front of Itsuki, so she was probably planning
to eat hers when Amane was there.
After serving Itsuki's tea with elegant movements, Mahiru seemed
unsure of where to sit. Her gaze wandered around the room for a little bit,
then she took a seat next to Itsuki, leaving a proper distance between them.
He was somewhat relieved, since it would have been unforgivable to let
a girl sit on the floor, even on top of a rug, while he was sitting on the sofa.
He smirked at the fact that she was sitting at the very edge, probably
because she wasn't used to his presence.
Well, I guess that's fair. I don't know Miss Shiina well enough for us to
be on good or bad terms with each other.
Itsuki and Mahiru weren't especially close.
From Itsuki's perspective, she was his girlfriend's friend, and the girl his
best friend loved, and he probably knew her better than most other people,
but he hadn't been in close contact with her like Chitose or Amane.
Until now, they had hardly ever been alone together like this, so he felt
unspeakably awkward.
He glanced over at her and saw her sipping her tea with a composed
expression. He knew she was probably feeling awkward as well, but she
didn't show it.
"Sorry for taking advantage of your hospitality, after showing up so
suddenly."
"No, like you said earlier, it's Amane's fault for remembering those
things he had to do at the last minute. I think he'll be back soon, but sorry
for making you wait."
Mahiru bobbed her head, and Itsuki chuckled in spite of himself.
He knew that she probably wasn't aware of it herself and that she didn't
mean to give this impression, but her actions and words were just like those
of a wife apologizing for her husband's absence. She must have spent so
much time by Amane's side that they came naturally to her.
"You don't need to worry about me; I did only tell him I was coming
today, after all. At any rate…you really are over at Amane's place, huh?"
Itsuki commented quietly.
Mahiru flinched slightly, and then her cheeks flushed a faint crimson,
and she drew her shoulders in.
"Um… I suppose you're wondering who I think I am. I must seem like
I'm forcing things…"
"I wasn't trying to criticize you. I just think it's nice that the two of you
have gotten to the point where it's normal. It's very charming."
He got the sense that both Amane and Mahiru felt like it was natural to
be together, and as someone who was watching their romance develop, he
thought that it was sweet.
There had been no major developments after several months of these
two high schoolers spending time alone together, but now he could glimpse
an opening in their caution and trepidation, which was all the more
charming. Though he did feel that the reason why they hadn't progressed
was mainly because Amane hadn't pushed for it.
"Amane has really mellowed out since he started spending time with
you, and I think that must be thanks to your influence."
"I-is that so? That's wonderful."
"I mean, when you met, Amane was cold and kind of a downer;
honestly, he was pretty unfriendly. He seemed really distant and gloomy, so
I think it's a mark of progress that he's expressing his feelings more and
showing people his mellow smile."
When Itsuki thought about the fact that it had been Mahiru who brought
that out in Amane, instead of him, he felt a lump of discomfort form in his
chest. But it soon disappeared when he reminded himself that as long as
Amane was happy, that was what mattered. Itsuki earnestly felt that the
change had done his friend good.
Mahiru, who had been listening quietly, glanced up at him with a serious
look in her eyes.
"…Can I ask you something that I've been curious about?"
"As long as it's something I can answer, ask away."
"…Well, I've been wondering how you and Amane came to be friends,"
she said falteringly, after some hesitation.
Itsuki responded with a gentle smile.
"You're curious?"
"…Well, yes, I am. I feel like Amane is the type who is very wary of
others, so I was thinking that there might have been some impetus that
brought you together."
"Is this because you want to know everything about the guy you like?"
"…I mean, if I thought that asking would make Amane uncomfortable, I
would refrain, but…before, when I asked him, he told me that you were
already friends before he realized it, so I was curious. Because Amane
himself said he didn't know why you became friends with him."
"Ah, I guess that means Amane doesn't remember. Actually, I think it's
more like he doesn't realize that he knows."
When Itsuki had spoken to Amane at the start of school, he seemed to
have completely forgotten about the past, so Amane probably had no idea
why Itsuki had wanted to be his friend.
So that was why he didn't have a clue what had kicked off their
friendship.
Mahiru stared at Itsuki inquisitively as he pondered how to explain
things to her. He started by asking her a question.
"Say, Miss Shiina, if I put on glasses and made a gloomy face, would
you recognize me? Suppose you saw me several months after talking to me
only once, and only just a little."
"…Well, that would depend on the situation."
"Ah-ha-ha! That's because I bet you are very observant when it comes
to other people. Amane didn't recognize me, you see, because I also had a
much tamer haircut and everything than I do now."
They say it's easy to judge a person by their outward appearance, and
Itsuki agreed with that. He thought that when he really looked at someone,
he noticed their physical features, of course. But their style and the way
they wore their hair also made a strong impression.
If a girl he knew quite well suddenly cut her hair very short, it would
naturally take him a moment to recognize her. When the impression
someone gives changes entirely, it takes time for everyone's brains to sync
them with the person that they know.
So he figured that if a person he met only once and only for a short time
completely changed their look, he couldn't help but think of them as a
different person.
"Before we started high school, we had that school tour trip, remember?
That's where Amane and me first met."
The reason that Itsuki felt both nostalgia and anxiety when he thought
back on that time was because he had been going through some emotional
turmoil back then. Thinking about it dredged up some difficult memories.
All the more so because it was a friction that had still not been resolved.
"Back then, see, I was in a bad way. I was constantly fighting with my
dad about Chi, and he had all sorts of things to say about my lineage and
my future, so I was really stressed out. He was telling me not to go to
school here, but to attend a prep school that had stricter regulations, and
other stuff like that."
Even Itsuki could understand his father's feelings on the subject.
Dating Chitose had already caused one rift in their relationship. Itsuki
knew that his father didn't want to fight about anything else and that he was
trying to keep ahold of his son.
If pushed to say, Itsuki would admit that his father cared about him, but
that care had always been colored by a strong desire to see his son follow
his ideals.
His father had tried to be a good parent, and so he had been very strict
with Itsuki. He wanted Itsuki to be an upright, moral person and to make
the family proud.
Itsuki could understand his father's feelings. But spending so long trying
to live up to his parents' expectations had inevitably made Itsuki depressed.
And Mother was off on her own, either at her studio or getting ready for
some exhibition, so she was busy and didn't have much to do with me.
Itsuki understood that his father had carefully raised him to recognize
that his mother had a job of her own and that she was very good at it. He
was grateful for the fact that he had been raised with a proper appreciation
of the work that went into running a household.
Even still, he had been in middle school when his pent-up frustrations
had exploded, and he had yelled at his father that he was not some kind of
remote-controlled toy.
"My head always hurt, and I was really unsteady on my feet. Then, at a
moment like that, I had to go on the trip alone, on a different schedule from
Chi and Yuuta."
Seeking a period of time away from his parents, Itsuki had applied for a
multiday observation tour of his future high school. But his schedule hadn't
matched up with his friends', Chitose and Yuuta, so he had ended up
participating alone.
That had not gone well.
"Well, somehow I joined the tour without letting anything show, but
halfway through the day, things got tough, and I crouched down and said
'Toilet' with no further explanation. Then Amane ran after me and helped
take care of me."
Middle schooler Itsuki had slipped away from the group, saying he was
going to the bathroom alone. He had looked awfully unwell, so Amane had
followed him despite not even knowing the other boy's name. He must have
been quite the busybody.
"…Are you sick?
"You don't seem to have a fever… Wait here a minute. I'll go buy you
something to drink. I saw a vending machine while we were walking
around.
"Here. Is water okay? Do you have medicine?
"If you're not well, you should leave early and go home, or go to one of
the high school teachers and get them to let you rest in the health room for
a while. You might collapse if you continue the tour in this condition.
"I'm gonna go get a teacher, you wait there."
Itsuki was grateful to Amane, who was so worried that he looked after
Itsuki, even knowing that the faculty would get angry at him for wandering
around the school without permission. Later, Itsuki felt guilty for getting
Amane in trouble.
Itsuki had waited for him to come back so that he could apologize, but a
teacher had shown up instead and told him that "Amane was allowed to go
back to the information session."
After that, Itsuki was allowed to rest in the health room for a while, and
ultimately the school tour ended without him seeing Amane again or getting
the chance to thank him.
"And, well, that's about the whole story. I guess he didn't even
remember it; he didn't seem to think he was doing anything major. Even so,
I'm still grateful to him."
Itsuki had calmly left the tour, trying his best not to let anything show on
his face, so he didn't think anyone had noticed his distress.
He had never imagined that Amane would follow him, a complete
stranger, down the stairs.
"We started high school, and my appearance was all different, but
Amane hadn't changed a bit. We happened to be in the same class, and I
went up to talk to him, but he really didn't remember me at all! That made
me laugh."
He couldn't really blame Amane for that.
Itsuki's appearance had gotten much more cheerful after he entered high
school.
His behavior was more easygoing, and he was trying to break free of the
honor student mold that his father wanted him to fit.
Once he was feeling more like himself, he could see that striving to be
an honor student had been stifling and painful. He was grateful that he had
broken out of his cage with Chitose before he suffocated.
He felt some regret that he had ever fettered the free bird inside of him.
"Well, he was the only one who was concerned about me, and I knew
that he was a good guy, so I hung around with him, and one way or another,
we wound up being friends… I guess that about sums it up."
"…Amane is a pretty empathetic person."
"I agree… That's why, you see, I've been sort of vigilant when it comes
to you."
"…To make sure I'm not tricking or manipulating or hurting the
kindhearted Amane, you mean?"
Mahiru seemed to immediately understand what Itsuki was trying to say.
She didn't seem surprised, she just stared at him with calm eyes.
Glad that the matter was settled quickly, Itsuki smiled, deliberately not
answering her question, then shrugged a little.
"Well, normally, I think people would be worried about you instead, but
from where I'm standing, I was more worried about my oftenmisunderstood friend than about a popular person I hardly knew."
To Itsuki, up until the day of their Christmas Eve party, he had seen the
person known as Mahiru Shiina as a flawless superwoman, a graceful
beauty beyond reproach.
Nothing more, and nothing less.
In other words, to Itsuki, who had never had anything to do with her,
Mahiru's personality was an unknown factor, and she was a stranger who
wielded a lot of influence.
What if, behind that beautiful smile, she was playing some sort of cruel
game?
Itsuki, who had been tormented by malicious rumors before, was
skeptical of any hearsay that spread among the student body.
Even Mahiru, who seemed to be such a beautiful and virtuous person
that people called her an angel, was just someone else to be suspicious of.
The revelation of his mistrust did not seem to upset Mahiru.
"…I think that was a sensible conclusion to reach. Honestly, if I had
been a friend in Amane's corner, I probably also would have thought it was
a little suspicious and wondered if I had some kind of ulterior motive."
"I mean, if you think about it, it's hard to imagine what you would gain
by associating with Amane, you know? If anything, I would think it would
be more trouble than it was worth. So I just had to determine whether you
were looking to get anything out of talking to him."
"As well you should have."
"Anyway, it didn't take long for me to find out that you were just some
girl who liked Amane, so now I don't have any worries about that, and
actually, I'm hoping that you might spur him on."
At this stage, Itsuki knew that Mahiru was just a girl who appreciated
Amane's personality and had fallen in love with him, so there was nothing
for him to worry about.
Instead, he was worried about Mahiru—worried she might be getting
impatient because Amane was such a good-for-nothing.
Mahiru looked embarrassed when he said that she was a girl who liked
Amane. She pressed her lips together and hugged a pillow, so even as he
smiled modestly, thinking he had teased her too much, Itsuki resolved to go
ahead and tell her all sorts of things while Amane wasn't around.
"It's like this: Amane's an extreme pushover. And he's ridiculously
vulnerable to pressure from you, Miss Shiina, so you should just go for it;
don't hesitate."
"Y-you say that, but…I'm already trying my best on a daily basis."
"Mm, I believe I can see that even as a third party, but, well… So listen,
Amane's…how do I put this, he's a huge wuss, the type of person who can't
really accept affection from other people."
"…He sure is," Mahiru agreed with a somewhat faraway look.
Itsuki hoped that was a good sign.
"Must be difficult."
"Eh-heh. But even these hardships are part of the pleasure of love, no?"
"I guess you're right. I suffered too when I was young, and you know,
now…I wouldn't say it was a good thing, but it's something I can look back
and laugh about."
It was less of a laugh and more of a bitter smile, but even so, Itsuki and
Chitose had made it through those days together, and he wouldn't throw
away those memories. He had them tucked deep in his heart as nostalgic
reminiscences.
He was waiting for Mahiru to laugh and tell him he was still young, but
she seemed sort of unsure how to answer and put on a vague smile.
From her complicated response, he guessed that she might have heard
something from Chitose.
"You heard from Chi?"
When Itsuki dropped his smile and quietly asked the question, Mahiru
nodded.
"…Just a little," she replied, also quietly. "About Chitose quitting the
track club and how you started dating."
"Is that so? Well, what'd you think of me?"
What does she think about me confessing directly to Chitose's face
without understanding the situation I was creating and how as a result
Chitose was harassed by an upperclassman in her club?
Strictly speaking, the envy that the other girl had toward Chitose had
just flared up because of Itsuki's confession of love, but even so, he had
been the one who added fuel to the fire.
If only he had played his cards a little better, maybe Chitose could have
dated Itsuki without getting attacked by the upperclassman, and she could
have continued to be part of the track club. If that had happened, the coach
might have written her a recommendation to get her into a high school with
a strong track team. Her whole life path would have been different.
"…It's not my place to say anything. If I take one wrong step, I'll wind
up bearing the same regrets as you do."
"You don't have to worry about that. You're many times more careful
than I am, and you know how to play your cards well."
Mahiru seemed better able to pick up on things like that and more
proficient at laying the groundwork—as she was slowly, bit by bit, closing
the distance between her and Amane at school—so that she didn't upset
anyone.
If Itsuki had been considerate like her, Chitose might not have been
injured, and Yuuta, who had witnessed the whole ordeal, might not have
become so cautious around girls.
It was too late for all that; there was no way to change it.
"But know that I'll probably hate you if this situation ends up hurting
Amane deeply. Though I know I don't have room to talk, as the person who
ruined Chi's future opportunities."
"In that case, I would expect to be hated. No one would be happy if their
dear friend got hurt… I would hate you, too, if you ever did something that
caused Amane or Chitose pain."
"Ha-ha, glad to hear it… I guess there would be no avoiding it."
He was relieved to hear that she would hate him for that, probably
because he'd had so many friends who'd tried to make excuses for his
actions.
The people around him had told him that the incident he had caused was
not his fault, that he wasn't to blame—they'd been kind, but he had always
regretted his actions. He had always secretly worried about whether he was
really at fault and whether Chitose actually resented him for it on some
level.
So he was delighted to have someone who would directly put those
worries to bed, even though the hypotheticals still plagued his mind.
And he thought it was great to have someone around who would tell him
off properly, someone who had Chitose's and Amane's best interests in
mind.
"…I know this is forward of me, and it's only my personal opinion, but
Chitose chooses to be with you, and I don't think she has any regrets. She's
always talking about you, and she seems so happy… Wouldn't it be best to
sit down and talk about it together?"
Itsuki was wearing a bitter smile. Mahiru gave him a gentle look and
murmured, "Occasionally, the two of you both hold back from each other,
you know?"
Her words made him feel strangely warm and kind of embarrassed. Still,
his stiff expression softened.
"…Thank goodness that the two of them have you for a friend, Miss
Shiina," Itsuki mumbled, feeling keenly that Amane had good judgment
when it came to people.
Mahiru heard what he said and blinked several times in surprise.
"Sorry, sorry, it must bother you when I call you his friend, since you're
actually Amane's future girlfriend."
"Th-that's not what I meant!"
Mahiru glared at him as if to chide him for even saying such a thing. Her
eyes filled up with tears of embarrassment, and her face turned bright red.
Itsuki heedlessly burst into laughter.
He wondered why Amane didn't try a little harder to push things along,
especially when it was so easy to tell how Mahiru felt. Amane liked her
enough that the people around him noticed it, so if he just pushed a little
more…
Even so, the way things are now is just what I would expect from the two
of them, so it's probably just right.
As Itsuki was musing that his friend still had quite a ways to go on the
pathway to love, the sound of a key turning in a lock came from the
entryway.
Speak of the devil, and he appears.
Maybe because she couldn't bear to sit there any longer, Mahiru
immediately stood up and trotted to the front door, as if to escape from
Itsuki.
"I'm back. Did Itsuki show up?"
"Welcome home. He's been here quite a while already."
Their voices got closer as they moved in from the entryway. Amane
appeared, holding a paper bag from a stationery store where he had
apparently stopped off along the way, and frowned apologetically.
"Crap…sorry, Itsuki."
"It's fine, it's fine, I was able to have a nice leisurely conversation with
Miss Shiina. Ain't that right, Miss Shiina?"
"Eh-he-he, that's right."
We never could have had that kind of conversation with Amane around.
Thinking about it that way, Amane's sudden errands weren't a bad thing.
"…What did you talk about?"
"Oh, are you jealous, mister?"
"Idiot, as if."
Amane answered with a little irritation in his voice, and Mahiru frowned
ever so slightly, but Itsuki was probably the only one who noticed.
I bet Miss Shiina would be happy if he honestly admitted he was jealous.
Itsuki realized that it was unreasonable to expect any more, knowing as
he did that Amane was bashful and never up-front about his feelings, but he
always got irritated watching his friend, who seemed unable to take even a
single step forward.
"…Seriously, what did you talk about?"
"Now, what was it? That's our secret."
Either because of Amane's reaction or because he had never planned to
tell him from the start, Itsuki declared their conversation a secret in a lively,
somewhat mischievous voice, placing his index finger against his mouth.
His expression made Amane look all the more suspicious, but Mahiru
deliberately pretended not to know anything.
"Oh-ho, don't get sulky, please… Let's just say it was interesting stories
about you. How's that?" she said.
"That's a total lie, and even if it wasn't, Itsuki's the last guy I want
telling you stories!"
"I wonder… Oh, and Akazawa brought us some cream puffs."
"…I won't let you dodge the question."
"You don't want any cream puffs?"
"Of course I do!"
Amane seemed hungry for cream puffs. He fixed Mahiru with a stare,
but she maintained her beautiful smile the whole time as she gave Amane a
little shove and sent him off toward the sink.
"If you want to eat cream puffs, then hurry up and go wash your hands,
please."
"…I'll get you to tell me later."
"You can go right ahead and try. Now, would you rather have coffee or
tea?"
"…Coffee, please."
"Got it. Okay, off you go."
Itsuki met Mahiru's eyes after she deftly chased Amane off to the sink
with a beaming bright smile.
"…You two are meant each other, for real," he mumbled in spite of
himself.
Mahiru's eyes went wide, as if she had only just remembered that he
was there, then she visibly withdrew and pleaded quietly, "Please forget that
you saw that."
Wearing his biggest smile yet that day, Itsuki shrugged.
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