章 68: Farewell to the Past
"It really is you, Fujimiya! I didn't know who you were for
a second until I heard your name!" the boy who used to be
Amane's friend said.
Toujou, who Amane no longer considered a friend, stood
there staring at him. The last time Amane had seen Toujou's
face was at their middle school graduation, and his
appearance and attitude hadn't changed much since then.
On the other hand, Amane had changed a lot, on the
outside and inside, over the two years that had passed since
they had their falling out. And he had styled his hair and
dressed up for the day's outing, so he certainly ought to have
been difficult to recognize.
Ever since he had made his relationship with Mahiru
official, Amane had felt like anybody who had known him
before would scarcely believe that he was the same person.
There was nothing surprising about Toujou's reaction.
Toujou wore the same irreverent smile he always had.
Like Itsuki, he was a flashy, confident guy, but they didn't
have anything in common otherwise. Sure, Itsuki liked to
joke around, despite looking like a fresh-faced, agreeable
young man. But Toujou had a genuinely cruel sense of
humor.
At first, Toujou seemed a little uncomfortable with
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Amane's lack of response, but right away he broke into a
broad smile.
"It's been a long time, huh, Fujimiya?"
"Yes, it has."
"You left home, didn't you? You're back now?"
"It's summer vacation, so I'm just visiting," Amane
answered smoothly. "Glad to see you're looking well."
He had been able to answer more steadily than he would
have expected, probably because he was surprised but not
shaken.
Amane had already prepared himself for this possibility.
His former friends still lived in their hometown, so of course
they would be around. It was pure chance that he had run
into one of them like this, but now that he did not live near
them, they were mere strangers with whom he had no real
connection.
There was one small twinge of resentment in his chest
when he thought of the past, but when he felt Mahiru's
warmth by his side, that unhappiness seemed to dissolve.
"So what's with the girl?" Toujou asked. "Don't tell me
you're out here picking up chicks?"
"Of course not; no way. This is my girlfriend."
"Hmm?"
Toujou gave Mahiru an appraising look. He didn't appear
too amused by the word girlfriend.
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Toujou had an expression that Amane had seen
sometimes when they'd been friends. He knew what that
look meant right away.
It was the face Toujou made when someone else had
something that he didn't have.
"Aren't you all grown-up, with your girlfriend? The
crybaby with the cute face turned into a man after all, huh?"
Toujou smirked as he teased him, but Amane didn't think
much of it.
Amane had expected the words to hurt, but he didn't feel
a thing. It was like a gentle breeze had blown past, no force
behind it at all. Instead, he was more worried about whether
Mahiru was getting angry at Toujou's mockery.
He glanced over and saw Mahiru blinking.
Then she broke into a broad smile.
Mahiru's smiles came in several different varieties, but
despite their close relationship, Amane didn't recognize the
one she was wearing. It was different from the smile she had
worn when Amane had been belittled on Sports Day and
from the one she had used on the guys who had tried to pick
her up at the pool. The emotions behind this smile were
unreadable. Amane felt a little uneasy seeing it. He wasn't
sure if he should be relieved or worried.
Toujou, on the other hand, grinned with satisfaction.
"So, new girlfriend, did you know this? Amane's not too
bad-looking now, but years ago everyone used to tease him
for having a girly face until he cried."
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The malicious words didn't surprise Amane in the least.
"How very nostalgic," he muttered.
With Mahiru beside him, holding his hand, Amane
thought that, in the end, Toujou was just another ordinary
guy from his past.
Toujou had always been physically bigger than Amane,
and smart and cheerful, the kind of guy who always said
what was on his mind. And he'd always had lots of friends.
That made it much harder for Amane when Toujou, with his
many advantages, betrayed him and bad-mouthed Amane
behind his back. Amane had suffered terribly because of
Toujou's abuse.
Now his mind was calm. It wasn't that he didn't care, but
rather that he felt as if he had gained more perspective.
Things like that happened, and faced with it now, Amane did
not flinch or tremble like he had back then.
Toujou's cheeks reddened slightly, and his gaze grew
sharp. He seemed rattled by Amane's composed response.
"You seem awfully calm… Hey, girlfriend, what do you see
in a guy like this? His only redeeming feature is his family.
Do you know how uncool he used to look?"
Toujou switched his focus to Mahiru and started talking
to her, but she looked back at him with her unchanging
gentle smile.
"I've heard everything from Amane already. Although, I
didn't know that he had such a cute face and everything…"
"I didn't tell you because then you'd want to see the
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photos."
"Heh-heh, I've already seen them, though… And they were
adorable," Mahiru added in a quiet voice.
Amane shot her an exasperated look, and she responded
with an honest smile for just a moment before reverting to
her inscrutable angelic visage.
Amane smirked a little at Toujou, who was frozen in place
for a second by Mahiru's smile.
"I don't really care; you can say whatever you like. It's just
your perception. I'm not afraid of you anymore, and I'm
confident that my girlfriend's feelings aren't going to change
because of something bad you say about me."
Amane had nothing to fear from Toujou, because now he
had a loving and supportive partner. The past was behind
him, and it was nothing more than a healed wound.
He had the love of his life by his side and wasn't afraid of
anything.
"As far as I'm concerned, everything that happened back
then is over, Toujou."
So no matter what you say, it can't hurt me—that was the
meaning behind the look in his eyes as he stared at Toujou
calmly.
Toujou's eyes bulged as he appeared irritated by Amane's
placid demeanor. But before he could open his mouth,
Mahiru opened hers.
"…Come to think of it, you were asking what I see in him,
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weren't you?"
Mahiru stood up beside Amane, stretched to her full
height, and stared Toujou down. He winced ever so slightly
in the face of her captivating intensity.
Her eyes weren't cold so much as lacking in warmth, and
her calm, but keen, sharp gaze bored into Toujou.
"Do you choose who you associate with based on money?
Do you pick your friends by whether they have any value?
You'll never get a single thing you want by choosing like
that, and I doubt you'll ever be satisfied."
"Wha…?"
"I have money, but I've never truly been satisfied… I have
money, but my heart was always cold," Mahiru said quietly,
gently placing her hand over her heart.
Amane felt a tight pressure building in his chest.
As far as social standing, Mahiru was surely blessed. Her
household was wealthy enough to employ a housekeeper,
and everything she owned was high quality. She had told
him that the only thing her parents gave her was money. For
that reason, Mahiru didn't attach much importance to
wealth. Rather, she sought human warmth instead.
Toujou hadn't been able to hurt Amane, but he felt pain in
his chest when he thought about Mahiru's circumstances,
which showed how little Toujou mattered to him now.
"When I met Amane, my heart was filled with happiness
for the first time. So what I see in him doesn't have anything
to do with money or even looks. It's what's inside that
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matters. I don't think anything else is important," Mahiru
asserted.
Without pitying or dismissing Toujou, she held his
reflection in her intently calm eyes. "If wealth is all that
matters to you, that's fine, I suppose," she continued. "I'm
not trying to deny other people's priorities in life. But to me,
Amane has more value than any other person, and as long as
he understands that, it's good enough for me."
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Her angelic smile transformed into her true smile as she
looked at Amane.
That brought him great relief.
"That's plenty, Mahiru," Amane said.
"But—"
"No, listen, I'm getting really embarrassed from hearing
you say all that…but it does make me happy. You can tell me
all that stuff when we're alone together."
"…Okay."
If he'd let her, Mahiru would have probably moved on to
listing everything she liked about Amane. But her
enchanting smiles were wasted on Toujou, who was less
than a stranger to him now.
"Thank you," he whispered quietly as he stood up and
took a step to stand in front of Mahiru.
Facing Toujou now, everything that had happened before
seemed very distant. Years ago, Toujou had seemed so
dazzling and huge, he had looked so frightening, but Amane
had grown a lot, physically and mentally, and he wasn't
afraid of him anymore.
He didn't have to look up at him anymore, either. When
Amane straightened up and faced Toujou, he actually had to
look down a little. Amane didn't tremble in the least, even
with Toujou staring right at him.
"Toujou," Amane said his name quietly.
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"Wh-what is it?" came the flustered response.
…I really have gotten past it, huh?
Amane didn't feel anything looking at Toujou. He really
had let go of the past. Amane was calm, something he never
could have imagined when he left his hometown because he
feared confronting the other boy.
Behind him, Mahiru sensed Amane's mood and didn't try
to stop him.
I guess it's time to make a stand.
A stand against the past that I tried to ignore, and
against Toujou, the symbol of it all, and against the weak
version of me who was hurt back then.
In a certain sense, coming back home may have been
fate. It gave me the chance to put these things behind me.
Toujou looked flustered at Amane's cool demeanor. He
looked like he was wondering what Amane was going to say.
Seeing Toujou like that, Amane smiled a little.
"At this point, I feel kind of grateful to you. You used me
and afterward cut me off, but even so, I had some fun back
then, and I enjoyed your company."
Amane didn't have any intention of airing his grievances
to Toujou. In the past, he had been hurt and had suffered—
but he had learned, since then, to accept it as just another
kind of experience. One that had been a key part of his
development.
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Amane liked who he was now. He'd met Mahiru and
started a wonderful relationship.
"So in the end, I'm glad I spent time with you guys.
Because of it, I was able to meet Mahiru. Actually, I think
you using me was good for both of us. You did hurt me, but I
think I probably became a bigger person because I was able
to overcome what happened. It was hard, but I found
something important, and it's all thanks to you guys."
In a certain sense, Toujou, and the rest of Amane's former
friends who were not present, had been major factors that
had led him to Mahiru.
And now they were no more and no less.
"Thank you… Now, I've got nothing more to do with you
and nothing else to talk about, so that's all I have to say."
His words of thanks were also words of parting.
Amane didn't have any desire or even a reason to get
involved with Toujou. Amane lived in another town and
went to another school. He was planning to go to university
there, too. Attending different schools, they would go on to
live in different places and learn different things. Toujou was
just someone he used to be friends with and was now a
stranger.
Toujou stiffened as if he had been hit by a bolt of lightning
when he heard these words coming straight from Amane's
heart.
Amane turned his back to him.
All the lingering discomfort he felt toward the other boy
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had melted away.
"Well, Mahiru, shall we go?"
"Yes."
"Mm."
He took Mahiru's hand, feeling faintly embarrassed.
Mahiru had already lost any interest in Toujou and was
looking only at Amane.
Amane gave Mahiru a small, wry smile, and without
looking back, as if he did not care for the former friend who
was not yet far behind, they left the park together.
That evening, Amane closed his eyes in bed and waited for
sleep to find him. But as he lay there, he did not feel sleepy.
Amane usually never had trouble falling asleep, but that
night he couldn't even catch a moment's rest. He was
strangely alert.
He knew it was probably because of his encounter with
Toujou earlier in the day.
His former friend was one of the people who had caused
Amane a lot of heartache, but Amane no longer held even a
small fragment of ill feeling or uneasiness in his heart
toward those boys.
He felt refreshed after encountering Toujou and even a
little emotional over it.
Meeting Mahiru and spending time with her, earning her
trust and support, had helped him grow a lot. He felt
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indescribably moved by it.
…I'm glad I got out of this town like Dad suggested.
If he had remained there, Amane would have never gotten
over his past and wouldn't have matured like he had. He
probably would have pretended not to see his pain and
would have lived his whole life trying to ignore it.
Everything was thanks to Mahiru, Itsuki, and the rest of
them. Gratitude toward his friends and the pleasant
realization that he had finally overcome his past filled
Amane's chest.
But it didn't seem like he was going to get any sleep. So
Amane decided to take in the outside air and got up, put on
his slippers, and went out onto the veranda.
The moment he opened the door, the hot, uncomfortably
humid air rushed into the air-conditioned room behind him.
It was nighttime, but the evenings had been sweltering for
several days in a row.
Even so, the sky was clear, and he could easily see the
stars now that he was away from the lights of the city. It was
the perfect setting to kill time and boredom until he got
sleepy.
While Amane was leaning against the railing, enjoying the
quiet atmosphere and the twinkling of the stars, there was a
sudden sound of a sliding door being opened.
It wasn't coming from his own room. When he turned
toward the noise that came from the other room connected
to the veranda, he saw Mahiru dressed in a long nightgown,
poking half her body out to look at him.
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"…Mahiru, you're still awake?"
He had never expected her to still be up.
The night was late, and his family was fast asleep, plus
Mahiru had told him that she kept a regular schedule and
always went to sleep before midnight. It was surprising that
she was still up—and moreover that she would step out onto
the balcony.
"Somehow, I just couldn't sleep… What about you,
Amane? I guess you couldn't, either, huh?"
"Mm… There was a lot of stuff on my mind."
"…I guess so."
Mahiru was out on the veranda now, too, and she cast her
eyes slightly downward when she heard him say those
words, so Amane smiled wryly. "It's not that I'm not over
what happened, you know? I think it was just a lot for me to
come face-to-face with those strong feelings and realize how
much I've matured."
Mahiru didn't need to worry about that.
He wasn't thinking about Toujou anymore. He was just
appreciating how much he had changed. Toujou's face
hadn't so much as flitted through his mind. Amane wasn't
threatened by him anymore.
Mahiru looked relieved when Amane told her this with a
smile, and she put on a small one of her own.
"Heh-heh… You've become stronger, Amane, and grown
up, too. Not to mention, it sounds like you've gotten a lot
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taller since middle school."
"Mm, I guess so. I've grown about twenty centimeters
since my first year of middle school."
"That's amazing."
"Yeah."
Amane had definitely changed. His height was one thing,
but in the past year, his mental state and his perspective on
everything had shifted, too.
Thinking about it now, he saw that in the past he had
been unsociable, cynical, and rude. His former friends
hadn't been entirely at fault, but it was still a fact that
Amane had not made it easy for anyone to get to know him.
He thought his current self was more composed than
before.
The reason for that composure was because of the beloved
girl by his side.
"It's like you said, Amane. You have matured. Mentally
and physically."
"…I guess I have."
"You're more confident now, right?"
"Yeah."
"That's good, then. Even if you lose your confidence, I'll
support you."
"I'm grateful for that, truly."
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Mahiru smiled gently and looked at the sky, placing her
hands on the railing beside him. Her loveliness threatened
to overwhelm him.
Mahiru nestled close to Amane and smiled. By his side,
she supported him. She encouraged him. This incredibly
lovely, precious person wanted to be with him.
"…Hey, Mahiru?"
"Yes?"
"…I want to touch you."
"Huh?"
Mahiru turned slowly toward him at these abrupt words.
She looked surprised, mostly, and Amane felt embarrassed,
but he didn't want to retract his request. He stared into
Mahiru's eyes as she shook with bewilderment.
"…I feel like I want to touch you; is that bad?"
He very much wanted to.
He wanted to feel the warmth of this girl who loved him,
cared for him, and supported him. He wanted time to really
appreciate her being there with him.
Under Amane's direct stare, her caramel-colored eyes
wavered, then looked down in embarrassment.
"…It's not bad," she answered quietly.
Amane felt the warmth within his chest grow again.
As he was still taking in Mahiru's acceptance, Amane
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extended a hand toward her.
But he was hesitant to embrace her there on the veranda,
so he just touched her palm.
As they walked together, Amane took her hand, which was
so delicate, yet had always encouraged him and guided him.
He led her into his room.
It was late at night, so he closed the door quietly, and
Mahiru sat down on the bed.
There was no sofa in the room, so the bed was the only
place for her to sit. But the moment she sat down, Mahiru's
body stiffened, and she looked at him awkwardly, which
made him smile in spite of himself.
"I'm not going to do anything," he assured her.
"O-okay."
"Were you expecting me to?"
"Th-that's not what I thought at all."
"In that case, I have some complicated feelings, as a man."
"Huh?"
"Just joking… Right now, I just want to feel you, Mahiru."
Mahiru looked nervous for a second, but Amane wasn't
intending to do anything that she had to worry about. He
wanted her full consent—when she was ready to give it. He
would never force her into anything.
Mahiru finally relaxed, and Amane slowly wrapped his
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arms around her. She returned the embrace, and his chest
steadily filled with indescribable euphoria from her softness
and familiar sweet smell. Feeling the love well up inside him
again, he squeezed Mahiru tight to have his fill of her.
In his arms, Mahiru closed her eyes pleasantly.
She didn't say out loud that she was happy, but a satisfied
smile crept across her face, and she seemed content, so
Amane was sure that Mahiru felt the same way he did.
…I love her so much…
Day by day, the feelings deep in his heart keep growing,
filling him with passion and joy from head to toe.
Even when he thought he couldn't possibly love Mahiru
any more, his feelings grew steadily stronger and more
ardent, and he knew they would probably never disappear.
Just like his parents, his feelings of love would only deepen.
His love would be gentle, elegant, and dazzling, and it could
transform into a deeper love that would never fade or
dissipate.
He loved her, truly from the bottom of his heart.
Filled with irrepressible emotion, Amane spontaneously
lifted Mahiru's chin and gave her beguiling lips a kiss.
He saw her caramel-colored eyes blink dramatically up
close. Then, the next moment, a dull pain hit his forehead.
He pulled his face away from the impact.
This time it was Amane's turn to blink, as he recoiled from
the steadily spreading pain. Mahiru, the probable source,
looked obviously bewildered, her eyes wavering unsteadily.
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"…Ow!"
"S-sorry! You surprised me."
"N-no, I'm the one who suddenly… I'm sorry."
He realized she had bumped into him in her surprise, and
he couldn't possibly blame her. He was the one who had
kissed her without her permission.
From Mahiru's reaction, Amane thought regretfully that
he ought to have held out a little bit longer. Her eyes darted
around the room, and she hunched over.
"I—I didn't dislike it, so…you just really startled me, is
all… Um… T-try once more, please. It'll be all right this
time."
Her shy voice trembled, but she squeezed her eyes shut
and turned her face upward, arranging herself into a posture
ready to accept a kiss. Amane smiled a little and obliged her.
With no bump on the head to drive him back, he took
advantage of the fact that Mahiru was accepting the kiss to
really savor it.
Her lips were softer and juicier than his own.
He was suddenly worried about whether his own lips were
dry and causing Mahiru any discomfort, but she didn't seem
displeased, not that he could see. She was shaking a little as
if he was tickling her as he nibbled at her softly, and he
found her indescribably precious.
He pulled away for a moment, but Mahiru was so cute,
and his desire to continue overruled his self-control, so he
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pressed his lips against hers again.
He heard a muffled groan and couldn't tell if it was
conveying surprise or objection, but in an attempt to soothe
her, he gently caressed her lips, then settled into giving her
lots of little pecks.
Sometimes he garnished his kisses with small happy
sounds.
He narrowed his eyes, thinking how cute she was, and
gently kissed her repeatedly, holding her petite body in his
arms.
After tasting her lips again and again, he eventually did
pull away, and Mahiru buried her face in Amane's shoulder.
"…Y-you didn't ask me if you could do it so many times."
"D-did you hate it?"
"N-no. I just wasn't ready…and I'm embarrassed, is all…
It's my first time," she whispered quietly.
Amane heard another meaning in those words, and his
heart skipped a beat.
"…Amane, was that really your first kiss? You seemed
more confident than me."
"Not at all… I just—I wanted to kiss you so much I
couldn't stand it, so maybe I was a bit pushy…"
"N-no, it wasn't bad… I knew you were going to do it, so it
was fine… D-do it some more now," she said with her eyes
turned upward. Not even Amane was enough of a wimp to
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refuse her.
Even as he kissed Mahiru again, he tried to match her
pace and forced himself to take it slow. He placed his palm
on the back of Mahiru's head, and she didn't pull away.
When Amane shifted to get a better angle to enjoy her soft
lips, he noticed his heart beating so hard it was practically
deafening.
"…Heh-heh." Mahiru laughed quietly in the interval
between kisses and placed her hand on Amane's chest.
Holding Amane at bay, she looked up at him. "…Before I fell
for you, Amane, I wondered what the point of kissing was.
But as someone who loves you from the bottom of my heart,
it makes me incredibly happy."
"…Are you happy now?"
"Yes."
"…Me too."
"Heh-heh, then we agree."
Mahiru seemed embarrassed, but she put on a carefree
smile. He kissed her once more, and as he was tasting the
slight sweetness of her lips, he felt her body tremble slightly.
Worried he had made her uncomfortable, he backed away,
but Mahiru smiled awkwardly. "It's fine"—she drew her body
in closer to him—"you're nice and warm," she whispered.
"…Are you cold?"
"I guess I am; the timer on the air conditioner doesn't
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seem to have cut off yet, so…"
The air-conditioning was actually set to a higher
temperature than it was during the day, but even so, the
room was fairly chilly. It would shut off eventually, several
hours after they went to sleep, but at the moment, Mahiru
must have been cold in her thin nightgown.
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After all, her arms were exposed in short sleeves. It was
no wonder she was freezing.
"If you like, maybe I could warm you up?"
"Oh, would you please?"
He had asked in jest, but Mahiru unexpectedly took him
up on the offer.
"What do you want me to do?"
"What do you think I want you to do?"
"I wonder, what could it be?"
"Take your best guess."
"…You're not gonna let me off easy, eh, Mahiru?"
"Heh-heh, not this time."
"Sure, sure. All right then, how about I do this, since that's
how you're going to be?"
Still holding Mahiru tight, Amane fell over onto the bed.
In his arms, flaxen hair fluttered down softly, and
caramel-colored eyes opened wide in surprise.
After kissing Mahiru's cheek again when she was frozen
stiff, Amane covered their bodies with the large terry cloth
blanket draped over the side of the bed. Finally seeming to
realize what had happened, Mahiru brought her face closer
to Amane's chest.
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"This way, we'll both be warm."
"…Yes."
"I can also provide my arm as a pillow, as an optional
service."
He offered his arm to her, and with a small smile, Mahiru
hesitantly rested her head on it.
Seeing her face so close, Amane smiled. Then Mahiru's
smile transformed into something a little more impish.
"Now that I've taken you up on the optional service, is
there a cost?"
"A very special price, just for you, Mahiru. You've got to
make omelets for tomorrow's breakfast."
"All right, I'm in."
"You're already tucked in, aren't you?"
The two of them laughed together, and Amane wrapped
his other free arm around Mahiru's back and closed his eyes,
embracing her.
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