章 42: The Angel in the Dream, Feelings of Shame
"…I love you."
A voice full of anticipation spoke these few, simple words.
Her voice was quiet as it left her soft, pink lips, and she approached him seductively.
Amane was propping himself up on the bed, and she lowered her hips onto his legs,
pinning him in place.
Strangely, he didn't feel any weight at all.
But the soft touch of her skin and her fragrant smell filled his senses.
Mahiru leaned coquettishly up against him and wrapped her arms around his back,
closing the gap between them as she cast her eyes down shyly. Amane looked down
and saw a fresh expanse of skin that normally never saw the light of day, peeking from
the neckline of her white dress.
He tried to avert his gaze from the deep valley between her breasts, but Mahiru moved
her hands from his back up to his neck and pulled his face closer, as if to tell him not
to look away.
A sigh escaped her lips.
"…Touch me more?" she whispered.
Amane wrapped his arms around her delicate back and slowly brought his lips
closer—
"—Ah?"
He sat up straight.
Amane was alone in his bedroom. The morning sun shone into the room through a gap
in the closed curtains.
When he looked at the clock on his side table, he saw that it was just past five.
With the approach of summer, the sun was rising earlier—it was early enough to get
a start on the day, although Amane certainly hadn't intended to wake up at this hour.
He pressed the palm of his hand against his face as he remembered what he'd been
dreaming about and was immediately overcome with shame.
This is the worst…
The dream had taken him by surprise.
Previously, when Mahiru had appeared in his dreams, she had behaved as usual—
never acting with such blatant desire. When she'd told him the day before that she
wanted him to touch her more, that must have provided the inspiration for his fantasy,
but even so, he felt ashamed. His mind had imagined Mahiru acting in ways she never
would. Even though it had only been a dream, he still felt guilty about having those
kinds of feelings toward her.
It was very frustrating—he wanted to cherish Mahiru and treat her respectfully, but
his subconscious mind apparently had other ideas. He had the fleeting temptation to
slam his head into the wall.
Amane decided that some exercise would be just the thing to clear his head. Pushing
away his subconscious desires, he made to leave his room, but paused on the way out.
"…Kill me now."
Before he could start the day, he was going to need a nice long shower to wash away
any lingering frustrations.
"Hey, Amane, what's with the dead expression?"
After getting up, Amane had gone for an early morning run to shake off his shame,
exhausting himself both physically and mentally. Chitose must have noticed, and
approached him during a break at school.
Amane looked at Itsuki, who was sitting beside him, to ask whether he looked that
lifeless, and Itsuki nodded.
"Ah, well… I went for a little run this morning," Amane explained.
"That'll wipe you out, no doubt." Chitose nodded. "A couch potato is sure to get groggy
when they finally start working out." Chitose cackled and grinned lightheartedly as
she slapped him on the back.
Amane was relieved that she didn't press him any further.
Telling Chitose something meant that Mahiru would know eventually anyway, so
Amane did his best to avoid telling her anything important. Honestly, he didn't want
to let anyone know about his dream.
"If you're not feeling well, you ought to go right home after school's over and rest. It's
best not to overdo it," Mahiru added, standing beside Chitose like her chaperone.
They were at school, so Mahiru was in her "angel mode," but her concern was genuine.
Amane had a feeling she was going to spoil him when they got home.
However, Amane knew that he wouldn't be able to accept her kindness—his lingering
guilt over the dream wouldn't even allow him to look Mahiru in the eye.
Without meeting her gaze, Amane responded flatly, "Thank you for your concern. I'm
fine, so there's no need to worry." He did his best not to allow any emotion to creep
into his words. From the corner of his eye, he could see Mahiru's expression stiffen
slightly.
Amane was trying not to let the awkwardness he felt every time he looked at Mahiru
show on his face, but from her perspective, it probably seemed like he had suddenly
gotten angry at her.
He couldn't possibly explain the reason for his icy demeanor, so there was nothing to
do but keep his mouth shut and evade the issue.
Everyone knew that Amane was a gloomy introvert, downright unsociable really, so
nothing about this behavior should have aroused anyone's suspicions.
"…Are you feeling unwell, Amane?" Mahiru asked.
"No, I'm not sick, I'm just tired," he replied. "Really, I'm trying my best to not fall asleep.
We've got tests coming up, so I can't very well sleep through class now."
"Geez! So serious." Chitose giggled.
"You should try to be more serious, too," he chided. "Our school's exams are hard, so
stop playing around and try studying for a change."
"Speaking of exams, I think it would be more fun, and more effective, if we did our
studying all together, don't you?" Chitose asked.
"Oh? Then perhaps Shiina ought to tutor you."
"I guess that would work, but…"
Chitose was staring hard at Amane, but he refused to make eye contact with her. He
pulled the materials for the next class out of his desk and directed his attention toward
arranging them.
If he participated any longer in the conversation, he would inevitably have to talk to
Mahiru. He sighed softly and leafed through a textbook as if the rest of the discussion
was no concern of his.
Amane left school promptly after classes ended, did the evening's shopping, and
returned home.
As usual, Mahiru was already in his apartment, preparing food, but she was obviously
feeling dejected.
She seemed to be able to sense that something was different about his mood and kept
glancing over at him and frowning. Often at home, they would act a little more familiar,
but that evening, she carefully maintained a sense of distance that was not all that
different from how she behaved at school.
Amane still felt terribly awkward, and he tried to push thoughts of Mahiru out of his
mind as best he could. It was easy to understand how she might interpret that as him
ignoring her.
"Are you mad at me…?" Mahiru asked nervously, after they had finished eating dinner
without even looking at each other once.
Realizing his error, Amane looked up at her.
Mahiru's eyes flickered with anxiety.
"I'm not mad," he replied.
"People only answer that way when they're mad. You've been acting strange all day,
and you're being terse with me… Did I do something to upset you without realizing
it…?"
Even though Amane had clearly been the one avoiding her, Mahiru sounded apologetic,
which made him realize that he had only been thinking about his own personal
discomfort.
Flustered, Amane took Mahiru's hands in his and peered into her eyes, which were
more tearful than usual.
"N-no, that's not it. You didn't do anything, Mahiru. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings."
"So then, why… why are you acting so cold?"
"W-well, um, there are a number of reasons, I guess you could say…"
Amane found himself faltering when it came time to offer any.
He obviously knew he couldn't be too honest—a girl like Mahiru would definitely be
put off by something like that. He didn't want to put her in an awkward position or
make her uncomfortable around him later.
"I've been wondering if maybe you'd gotten tired of me or something…"
"Absolutely not!" Amane insisted. "I-I've just got some personal stuff going on…
There's just a lot on my mind."
"…And you're not going to tell me about it?"
Mahiru frowned dejectedly and looked at the floor. Amane could only groan.
How can I possibly explain?
He hated lying to her, so he decided the best course of action was to only tell her the
mildest version of the truth. Though he wasn't sure exactly how to round off the rough
edges or sound vague in this particular case.
If he messed up, she wouldn't understand, and she might even be repulsed instead.
"It—it's no big deal, really, okay?"
"…Even though it's something bad enough to make you ignore me?"
"No, the thing is, I mean, how do I put this? I'm doing it to exercise self-control, or, like,
to settle my mind down."
"You don't feel calm when I'm around?"
"That's not what I mean, it's just, it's d-difficult."
"So it's hard to spend time with me?"
"That's not what I said! Geez, how can I say this…?"
If she was a boy, it would have been easy. Amane wasn't sure he could put it in a way
that a girl would understand, no matter what he said to her. Yet he had to tell her
something, or she would misunderstand again.
Mahiru obviously wanted to know why he was avoiding her if she hadn't done
anything wrong, but all Amane could manage to tell her was that it was hard to explain.
For the sake of his likely nonexistent pride, he needed to put it as delicately as possible.
"…So you said that you want me to touch you more," he explained tentatively. "And
because of that, how do I say this, I… had a, uh, a dream."
"A… dream?"
"…A dream where you were pleading with me, very sweetly, for certain things…"
Somehow, that was the best answer Amane could come up with.
Mahiru made a face like she didn't understand what he was talking about. She blinked
her wide eyes dramatically.
"R-really, I hate that I dreamed something like that," Amane continued. "I try to avoid
seeing you that way, and I would never be pushy about touching you. But this time I
just… it's because yesterday, you… you were saying such cute things. And then, about
me avoiding you awkwardly… it wasn't because I was mad at you or anything, it was
because I was disgusted with myself…"
"…How exactly was I pleading with you, Amane?"
"Are you trying to embarrass me?!" he balked. Mahiru hadn't recoiled from him, which
was good, but her curiosity seemed somehow even more dangerous, and he could feel
his face twitching.
Dreams supposedly reflected desires, so if he told her what he had dreamed, she
would then know he thought of her and looked at her in that way, even if it was not on
purpose.
"Embarrass you…? No, I was just thinking I must have been really aggressive, if it was
enough to make you feel uncomfortable. So I wanted to know, for reference."
"You don't need to know. What sort of reference would that be useful for anyway?"
"…Like for when I'm trying to make your heart race."
"Would you please stop trying to give me a heart attack?"
Amane didn't understand why Mahiru seemed to enjoy tormenting him. She had
already found plenty of questionable ways to surprise him, so he didn't want to give
her any more ideas.
Mahiru looked relieved, like she'd completely forgotten about any concern or anxiety
that had been previously troubling her. Her cheeks had reddened faintly, probably
because Amane had let the word "cute" slip out of his mouth.
"It's a relief to hear that I'm not being shunned—I'm glad we cleared that up."
For some reason, Mahiru's mouth curled upward in a good-humored smile. She stared
contently at Amane, who had his own lips tightly drawn in shame and embarrassment.
"Amane, you're kind of… well, among the boys I know, you're the most innocent."
"Oh, be quiet, I could say the same about you."
"I'm sure you would have been more surprised if you'd learned that I was used to being
in the company of males quite often… Really, though, I've never spent much time
around boys before. You're the only one I'm this close with, Amane."
"…A-and I hardly ever associate with girls, so…"
Amane was aware that he sounded pathetic, but he couldn't bring himself to lie.
Anyway, if he had tried to pass himself off as someone who spent a lot of time with
girls, Mahiru probably would have laughed at him.
"Well, you seem pretty good at handling girls, all things considered," she remarked.
"You must be joking," Amane scoffed. "I can't handle anything. I'm just… I always try to
do what's right, and be decent, like my parents always said. And if I do anything bad, I
try to balance it out by doing something to make you happy, that's all. I'm happy when
you're happy… surely there's nothing wrong with that?"
"Nothing at all." Mahiru nodded. "You're sly that way, Amane."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Everything about you is sly."
"Are you trying to put me down…?"
"No, it's the opposite. I'm trying my best to encourage you, to get you to have more
self-confidence."
"…I don't understand what you're getting at, though."
"That's fine, you don't have to understand right now."
This wasn't the first time they'd had this exchange, and Amane still didn't know what
about him was supposed to be devious.
But Amane didn't think he needed to try too hard to find the answer.
Mahiru had been so concerned and dejected by Amane's behavior. Now, though, she
was smiling cheerfully without the least bit of worry.
"Anyway, I got to hear something good today," she said.
"Something good?"
"You said that I'm the first person of the opposite sex you've ever been this close with."
Amane responded to Mahiru's outrageous statement with a sudden coughing fit.
Mahiru looked up at him curiously. It didn't seem like she had intended to provoke a
reaction from him. She had probably just said what was on her mind. That was what
made it so shocking for Amane.
"Th-that's misleading… Well, it's not misleading, but you make it sound weird! And it's
none of your business anyway!" he stammered.
"Why are you getting so flustered? It's kind of nice, isn't it? Since I'm having all these
firsts, too. It means that we've both fumbled our way closer together, right?"
"…Well, that's true, but…"
Thinking about how things had been up to this point, her observation did seem
reasonable, but it felt overwhelmingly embarrassing to hear her say it so purely,
without any other intentions. The more he tried not to overthink it, the more it
weighed on him.
"…Amane?"
"It's nothing, so don't look at me, please."
He didn't want her to see the shame that was practically oozing off of him again, and
he turned his back to her without rising from the sofa.
He didn't want to be seen, and he didn't want to look at her, either.
"Why are you speaking so stiffly?"
"Don't worry about it."
"…All right, I won't look."
Instead, Mahiru turned and sat with her back to his, so that she was able to lean
against him. He turned his head to look at her and got a jab in the ribs.
He couldn't see her face, but he was certain she was grinning mischievously.
"If we sit like this, I'm 'not looking,' right?"
"…I guess not."
"Well, you'll just have to deal with it, since I had to deal with you avoiding me all day."
When she put it that way, Amane could tell that there was no way he was going to pull
himself out of the hole he'd dug, and he wasn't even going to bother trying.
Feeling a strange sort of tranquility, though the warmth gradually spreading through
his back was making his chest throb, Amane let his chin rest on his knees.
"…Please don't tell people about your first time or whatever anymore," he mumbled. "I
really don't know how to endure it."
He felt Mahiru shiver, as if she had only just then remembered the issue. Then,
apparently, she turned around, because he felt her grab the back of his shirt.
"Th-that's not what I meant to say at all, okay?! Well, it is, but I didn't say it with that
in mind!"
"I—I understand, so just don't say any more."
Knowing that Mahiru had never been so close to anyone made it even more
embarrassing when she talked about things like that.
It didn't take much thought to realize that the two of them had experienced a lot of
firsts together.
At least in Amane's case, Mahiru was the first girl he had held hands with, except for
his mother when he was a young child. Mahiru was also the only one he had ever
embraced. It was very likely the same for her.
To get to be part of these new experiences with the girl he liked, to be the first step for
her, was delightful, embarrassing, and an honor.
Amane found himself wishing that he could be her first and last love as well.
He smiled quietly to himself as Mahiru put her forehead against his back and rubbed
against him out of embarrassment. How nice it would be to stay by her side in the
future, he thought.
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