章 40: The Angel’s Thoughts
"We're not dating, but to me… he is the most important person on earth."
Mahiru had made that statement publicly, in front of their classmates. For the rest of
the day, Amane couldn't think about anything else or pay attention in class. He just
didn't know exactly what she'd meant by "important." Did she mean that they were
good friends, or affectionately close, or maybe—in a romantic sense?
The more he thought about it, the more anxiety and unease he felt, but the faintest
hope swirled in his chest. All day, he was overwhelmed by emotions he could not put
into words.
His friend Itsuki smiled at him, but didn't make any jokes or say anything about it.
Amane had little hope of figuring out what Mahiru was thinking on his own. He spent
the whole day irritated, wishing he could just ask her directly what she'd meant. But
he never got the chance at school.
When the two of them got back to Amane's apartment, he finally, timidly, asked
Mahiru.
She looked at him with a puzzled expression. "I wasn't lying, you know," she said
without hesitation. It sounded like she had no idea why he was asking.
Mahiru put on her apron to prepare dinner. She also put on a little smile, perhaps
aware of Amane's discomfort. "I'm fairly sociable, but my circle of friends is small. The
only people I can definitely say I'm close with are you, Chitose, and Akazawa. Of course,
all of you are important to me, but among the three of you, you're the one I'm closest
with and the one I feel most at ease with when we're together."
"Oh, um…"
Amane knew that what Mahiru was saying was true, but being told this face-to-face
felt very strange for some reason.
"We've spent the past half year or so together, and it has been a very meaningful time
for me. I've never been the type to get close to others, and you're the most comfortable,
most likable person I know," she said calmly and candidly.
Amane suppressed a groan as he looked into Mahiru's gentle eyes. She gazed back at
him.
"For me, the world is a small place," she continued. "I could count the people I like on
one hand, as if I'm living in a miniature garden… In my little world, you are the most
precious person to me. You're the one who told me that I'm okay just the way I am."
"Mahiru…"
"So I want you to be a little more confident in that regard, Amane."
Mahiru's cheeks reddened, coloring her shy expression, clearly showing that she was
stating her true feelings, but Mahiru didn't seem to notice.
The sincerity painted on her face caused conflicting emotions to well up inside
Amane—embarrassment and indescribable joy threatened to make his chest burst.
"After all, you already know that I trust you above anyone else. Did you think that there
was someone else that I liked?"
"That's not it, but… when you put it that way, you must have known how I would take
it, right?"
"That's exactly right," Mahiru answered with an unwavering smile.
Amane stared at Mahiru. "So when you dodged the question that way, you knew it
would open us up to insistent prying and suspicions of romance?"
Mahiru's smile broadened. She was oddly nonchalant. "That's also right."
"In that case, wouldn't it have been easier to manage the rumors by letting out a few
snippets of information at a slow trickle? If people are going to speculate, I think it
would be better to at least have some control over the direction the rumors take."
"…Indeed."
Amane knew that Mahiru had her own ways of thinking about these things, but to him,
it had been extraordinarily nerve-racking to hear her talk about him in public, even
indirectly.
In the end, there had been a big uproar after her statement, but Mahiru herself had
just calmly put on her angelic smile. The boys in love with Mahiru were probably
stressing out about it right now.
"Anyway, you should be more careful. If you don't say anything to me beforehand, I
might get the wrong idea, too."
"Get the wrong idea?"
"…Usually, if someone said something like that about me, I'd think what everyone else
is thinking."
Amane figured that Mahiru must like him in some way. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so
relaxed around him, or look at him with such trust in her eyes. But he couldn't figure
out the exact nature of her affection.
Was it the same kind of sentiment that Amane felt toward Mahiru, or was it something
more passionate?
The feelings he held were not something that he could easily put into words.
He didn't feel burning-hot passion, and it wasn't intense, heartrending yearning,
either. It was more like a quiet, gentle candle giving off a steady heat. Mahiru was the
first person for whom his heart had felt such affection and desire to treasure.
However, those weren't the kind of feelings that most friends of the opposite sex could
just openly talk about. Also, Amane didn't know if Mahiru felt the same way. For this
reason, he reminded himself to speak clearly, so as not to be misunderstood.
"I mean, if for example I were to announce that you were someone important to me,
with that kind of timing, you'd start getting ideas too, right?"
"But I don't think you would ever make such a declaration in the first place, Amane."
"Well, that's true, but—"
"Or are you saying that's what you're going to do?"
"I know that if I did, I'd wind up feeling like I decided to sit down on a bed of thorns."
I know for sure that people's thorny gazes would skewer me—no, they'd eviscerate me. I
would die by a thousand stares.
Amane waved his hand in front of his face. He had no intention of resigning himself to
such a fate without any sort of preparation.
Mahiru let a little giggle slip out.
"I know you're not the risk-taking type."
"…Somehow, I feel like that annoys you."
"You're imagining things."
Amane was pretty sure he was not imagining the look of exasperation on Mahiru's
face, but it seemed she didn't feel like explaining anything to him.
Mahiru let out a deep sigh, as if to vent her frustrations, and headed for the kitchen.
"…Um?"
"What is it?"
"If I did make some kind of public declaration, I think it would have a big effect on your
life, too… Are you prepared for that?"
"What a silly question. I would never suggest something if I wasn't ready to deal with
the consequences."
Amane was at a loss for words because she really said it without a second thought.
Mahiru didn't so much as look his way and started setting out her cooking utensils
with a flourish of her apron hem.
"I understand that my social standing is different from yours, and that we receive very
different kinds of attention. I also understand that you won't say anything. And I don't
want to make you uncomfortable."
"…That's—"
"It's a real pain to be popular, you know. People are always watching how you act in
public and meddling in your affairs."
Mahiru grumbled to herself, and it was plain to see she was fed up with the attention.
Then she turned around to look at Amane.
"But here, it's just the two of us; there's no one to butt in. For now, I'm satisfied with
that."
Mahiru smiled coyly, and Amane couldn't do anything but stare at her beautiful smile,
unable to say anything more.
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