章 37: None but You
…Come to think of it, Amane, are you doing anything for Mother's Day?" Mahiru asked
quietly, as if she had just remembered the holiday. They were watching television
together, and she'd noticed a listing for a program labeled as a Mother's Day special.
Amane had tried to casually change the channel, figuring that Mahiru wouldn't like
being reminded of her parents, but she didn't seem particularly bothered.
He nodded, feeling a little relieved that she wasn't upset. "Well, I guess I'll send a small
present and a bouquet to the house."
It was a little bit of a hassle, but she was his one and only mother, after all, and he
figured as her son he ought to show his appreciation for everything she did for him.
But since he was out of the house now, it wasn't like he could go say it in person.
"Well, since I'm far away, that's about all I can do. If we still lived together or close by,
I would try to do a little more, but…"
"Like help with the housework?"
"Honestly, if I try to help, I just end up making more work for her."
Thanks to Mahiru, Amane had learned how to do basic housework, or at least enough
to get along okay on his own. But he didn't think he would be able to do everything to
his parents' standards, so they would just end up redoing everything in the end.
"I guess you would."
"I don't know how I feel about you agreeing with that…"
"…But you have learned enough to keep up with the everyday chores. I mean, it's far
from perfect, but you can get by now."
"That's a harsh appraisal. That said, you're not wrong."
"Heh-heh. You've still got a ways to go, Amane."
"Yes, yes, I'm no match for the marvelous Miss Mahiru."
"I'll say."
Amane had a feeling that even if he spent his whole life working on it, he would never
get as good at housework as Mahiru was now.
Mahiru laughed, a little surprised by Amane's words, and slapped his upper arm, but
there wasn't any malice behind it, so he didn't complain.
"I don't know how your parents could make you live alone when you couldn't even
take care of yourself, Amane."
She probably hadn't meant to say that out loud—but she'd obviously been thinking it.
When they'd first met, Amane had been such a mess that even Itsuki had been worried
about him. So it was no surprise Mahiru would doubt him now. She knew exactly how
bad it could get.
Amane pretended not to notice the shock of pain that went through his chest and
shrugged. "Actually, I don't think they ever wanted to let me out of their sight? I was a
real loser with absolutely no life skills, after all."
"So it was your decision to move out on your own?"
"Yeah. Some stuff happened, and I didn't want to stay in my hometown anymore."
If he made it sound too serious, Mahiru was likely to worry, so he tried to gloss over it,
attempting to keep his cool while he did.
Mahiru froze. Immediately, shades of remorse began flickering through her caramelcolored eyes. Amane hadn't meant to upset her, but Mahiru, who was particularly
sensitive to other people's pain, had gotten a glimpse of the baggage he was carrying.
Sometimes her insight could be troubling.
Amane regretting mentioning it in the first place. He reached out and patted Mahiru
on the head as she grimaced at him.
"Ah, you really don't have to worry about it," he said. "Actually, it puts me in a tough
spot if you're too worried about me. Really, it's not that big of a deal. There were just
some guys in my hometown who I would rather not see again, so I left."
In reality, it hadn't been that serious. Just that something he had earnestly believed in
had crumbled from its very foundation; that's all. He hadn't been physically injured or
anything like that, and now that he had cut off all contact with those guys, he was living
a normal life, and the dull ache of old wounds had faded into the background.
Despite what he said, Mahiru's melancholy expression didn't go away. Amane was
stumped. "I'm really fine, you know?" he insisted. "If it was still painful, I wouldn't be
talking about going home to visit. As far as I'm concerned, it's in the past."
"…Liar."
"Liar? Listen here—"
"If you really were over it, you wouldn't be making that face."
Mahiru trembled slightly as she extended a hand toward Amane's cheek. Her eyes
were downcast, so he couldn't even see a reflection of his expression, but going off
what she said, it probably wasn't anything good.
"…If you don't want to say, that's fine. But it's painful for me to see you looking so hurt."
"Don't say that. It's not that big of a deal; it's not even an interesting story, okay?"
Amane insisted. "Are you still worried about it, even so?" he asked quietly, and Mahiru
nodded slightly.
Amane scratched his cheek and wondered what to do. He let out a soft sigh.
"Hmm… I wonder where I should begin. Well, I guess it makes sense to start with why
I wanted to leave my hometown, huh?"
"…Yes."
"It's because I wanted to get some distance from my friends… or I guess I should say
from the people who I thought were my friends."
It didn't sound like a very good reason for moving. Anyone else would probably think
he was worrying too much over something small.
And yet that time of his life was etched indelibly into Amane's memory.
"How should I put this…?" he began. "Well, I was blessed with a good home environment."
Mahiru looked a bit curious about this abrupt change in topic, but she must have
understood that this was necessary to understand the full story because she listened
quietly.
"I had relatives—my parents and grandparents—who loved me, and we were well-off.
Financially, I mean. They let me study and do whatever I wanted. I was very lucky, and
I know that."
His parents had been especially doting on him, since he was their only son, and they
had raised him in a way that respected Amane's individuality.
"But at that time, I wasn't really aware of how incredibly blessed I was, and I had never
learned to be suspicious of people. I was surrounded by good people and was raised
with love, so to be honest, I was a really naive child."
Now Amane was sulky, but before the incident took place, he had been so honest and
cheerful it was impossible to imagine, looking at him now. He had been a really
childish child.
"…I think that my naï vete made me especially easy to deceive and to use."
And so there had been many openings to take advantage of him.
"The new friends I made in the first half of middle school… I don't actually know if I
can honestly call them friends, but the guys who I started hanging out with… Well, to
tell the truth, they saw me as an easy mark, as a good source of money. When you come
from a well-off family, it's only human for people to want to get something out of you."
It sounded pathetic to say it, but back then, Amane had been honest to a fault and
incredibly gullible. In other words, he was easy to fool. He'd grown up believing in the
innate goodness of others, and nothing had ever challenged that redundant naï vete .
Nobody he knew would have ever tried to take advantage of him.
Mahiru's expression had grown stiff, so in order to try to relax her, Amane smiled and
said, "Of course, I wasn't a total fool, so I never directly gave them any money or
anything." But Mahiru's expression only got even more severe.
"And then, well, I discovered that they were saying all sorts of things behind my back.
They trashed my appearance. I heard them say I was gross and that they hated me and
had only ever intended to take me for all I was worth from the very beginning. I was
shocked and pretty depressed for a while."
People all have different preferences when it comes to who they get along with, and
Amane wouldn't have minded if they'd just said they didn't like him. But since they
thought they could get something out of him, they had all smiled to his face and abused
him in private, and that was something he couldn't bear.
He had told Mahiru the mild version of the story, but there had also been insults that
would be difficult to repeat, so he had really endured a lot. Now he would be able to
shrug off abuse like that, but at the time, he had been an earnest and sensitive boy, and
it had just been too much for him to bear.
"Of course, I knew that not everybody in the world was like those guys. I had a few
friends that I believe really liked me. Even so, once I started doubting people, fear took
over. I couldn't trust anyone."
He had shut himself up in his room for a while and cried.
He had eventually recovered, thanks to his parents' support, but as one might expect,
he was afraid to come into contact with those boys again, so he did every last possible
thing to avoid them for as long as he could—
"…And so I left my hometown. I left to get a fresh start in a place where no one knew
me. I left so I wouldn't be bothered by those guys anymore."
He hadn't known whether he could make it on his own, but he'd decided that his peace
of mind was worth the risk.
Thanks to everything that had happened, he could no longer easily trust people like
he once had and had grown into an introverted and skeptical young man who had just
finally managed to make two friends after taking ages to warm up to them. Amane had
to laugh at himself. For better or worse, he had become quite conservative, but at this
point, that attitude was deeply ingrained, and there was no changing it now.
Amane had finished talking, and Mahiru was trembling. Her hands were balled into
fists, and the emotion flickering in her eyes was unmistakably anger. Amane was
surprised to see the mild-mannered Mahiru get so enraged, and then he was even
more baffled when he realized that she was angry on his behalf, and that brought him
a little joy.
"…If I had been there, I would have punched those awful guys right in the face."
"Please, no; you would just hurt your own hand… And you don't have to get your hands
dirty for my sake, even in your imagination."
Those jerks weren't worth Mahiru getting her hands dirty—not even close. And
anyway, Amane had already cut them out of his life. It would be nothing but a waste
for Mahiru to even bother with them.
Mahiru relaxed a bit. She'd been squeezing her hands so hard they had started turning
white. Some of the anger faded from her face, replaced by an even deeper look of
sorrow.
When it came to Amane, Mahiru could be so compassionate it almost hurt. But this
incident was in the past, and Amane was embarrassed to have upset her over it.
"Really, it wasn't as agonizing as your situation, so you don't have to be so sad."
"Amane, it's not something that can be compared. I don't even want to try."
She cut him off flatly, and Amane frowned when he realized that had been rude, but
she looked at him and put on a calm expression.
"Let me say this—it's not that there's no value in sharing our experiences, but your
grief is your own, and it's something that only you can carry, and it can't be compared
to my grief. Nothing is better or worse. In the truest sense, I can't understand your
pain, Amane, nor can you understand mine."
"…Ah."
"What I can do is accept your sadness and support you… just like you've done for me.
I want to be there for you, and I want you to rely on me." Mahiru whispered this as she
placed the palms of her hands against both of Amane's cheeks.
He gradually felt a heat rising from the depths of his chest and behind his eyes. "…But
I already rely on you all the time," he said.
"Emotionally, I mean."
"I always rely on you."
"…Well, do it more."
"Don't spoil me, please."
"I'm going to. So, so much."
"I'm really not worth it."
"Why are you worried about that now? I've always known you were a hopeless case,
Amane."
He felt himself grimace when she casually delivered this harsh and yet undeniable
truth. But even though she sounded exasperated, Mahiru looked at him with gentle,
loving eyes that communicated the opposite.
"…But I also know you're a very good person, and you can endure a lot. Too much,
even," she continued. "You can at least let me spoil you a little."
Her sweet whispering voice, genuine and kind, threatened to obliterate what little
resistance Amane had left. He could imagine himself letting her spoil him forever, and
the thought struck a deep chord of fear within him, because he knew that if he let
himself grow too dependent on the girl he deeply loved, nothing would ever seem as
sweet.
For the sake of preserving what little dignity he had left, Amane slowly shook his head.
"Really, I'm fine," he insisted.
Mahiru batted her eyes and sighed dramatically. "…You're trying to act cool again," she
said wearily. "You big dummy."
Mahiru mocked him sweetly, then slipped her hands from Amane's cheeks around to
the back of his head. And then she pulled him toward her with all her strength.
Before he could react, Amane's face was pressed up against Mahiru's chest. He froze.
He could feel the softness of her skin and hear the beating of her heart, and when he
inhaled, his lungs were filled with her sweet scent—a mix of milk and some kind of
flower, with a little note of something bright, like green apple—and his mind was utter
chaos.
"Please, just let me spoil you," she said.
"…You're really forward" was the best answer his addled brain could muster.
But Mahiru's shoulders trembled with laughter. "Did you just realize that? Sometimes
girls can be very pushy, you know," she whispered impishly.
Fully aware of Amane's bewilderment, Mahiru gently wrapped her arms around his
back so he couldn't get away. Of course, she was still a slim young woman, so if Amane
wanted to shake free, he probably could have. However, the sweet scent and Mahiru's
warmth, plus her pleasant softness and the calming rhythm of her heartbeat, sapped
all of Amane's willpower to defy her.
"…Besides, I'm the type of person who always repays a debt," she whispered. Amane
had to fight to keep from losing himself in her warmth. "I relied on you before, Amane.
You spoiled me, too, remember? And now it's my turn, all right? Let me spoil you back.
It's the least I can do."
"…It's more than enough."
"Well then… Someday, when I'm feeling down again, you can be there for me, and that
will make us even." Her tone of voice was playful, and it was clear she had no intention
of giving up.
Amane surrendered at last and leaned into Mahiru. But this time, he put his arm
around her back and made sure to lean against her shoulder, instead of her chest. It
was the best he could do.
Mahiru smiled at Amane's choice, then tightly embraced him and accepted his full
weight.
"This isn't right…"
Several dozen minutes had passed, though it felt like much longer for Amane. When
he raised his head and pulled away from her, his voice was cold and had an edge. He
wasn't angry at Mahiru, though. He was ashamed of himself, for taking advantage of
her kindness.
But Mahiru just smiled and showed no sign of concern. "Well, I do hate to see you
feeling sad, so… next time I'll try to spoil you even sooner."
"…That's not exactly what I meant…"
Amane caught himself glancing down at her chest again. He quickly averted his eyes.
She was being so kind to him, and he didn't want to be vulgar. He'd managed to keep
himself in check this time, but next time, he thought, he might not be able to save
himself so easily.
Mahiru trusted Amane. She wouldn't have embraced him if she wasn't comfortable
with him. But he was still somewhat surprised that she was being so insistent.
And although her tenderness had eased the pain of his old wounds, that only left him
free to focus on the new aching in his heart.
"Why do you always turn away from me?" Mahiru asked.
"I don't know what to do with myself when you spoil me like that. I mean, I am a guy,
after all."
"I know that…"
"It's not clear that you do. Like, seriously."
She should be more careful, he thought. What if he had taken advantage of her and
rubbed his face wherever he pleased? What would she have done then? He wanted her
to understand that there were some lines she shouldn't let even him cross.
He wasn't confident he would be able to control himself the next time he was faced
with the temptation of being given the go-ahead to bury his face in the chest of the girl
he loved. Amane sighed. Mahiru was too trusting and would probably forgive him for
almost anything.
Mahiru's eyes narrowed. She looked absolutely hurt.
"…Amane, I don't understand you at all."
"What about me?"
"Everything, all of it. You dummy."
Mahiru stood up from the sofa in an angry huff. Even her insults sounded adorable.
Leaving Amane to ponder her anger, she turned away and headed for the kitchen.
He watched her leave in a daze. She looked so small and unsteady, but just a moment
ago, she'd been supporting him.
"Amane, you're such an airhead sometimes." She kept on rebuking him in a quiet, angry
voice that she apparently didn't think he could hear, so Amane just watched her go
with a shrug and a smile—
"Even though I wouldn't do that for anyone but you."
And then his ears picked up another quiet grumble.
His breath caught in his throat.
For a second, his brain refused to process her words. It was so shocking to him.
He forced himself to take a shallow breath.
And then the intense surge of emotion swirling in his chest practically forced Amane
to his feet. He found himself reaching out toward her.
"…Hey, Mahiru?"
"What is… it?"
Before she could turn around, Amane had wrapped Mahiru up in his arms, embracing
her tightly as though he were shielding her from the world. Mahiru's slender frame
began to tremble, and her voice wavered, but she didn't push him away or seem upset.
He could tell she was shaking with surprise.
Amane wrapped his arms around her delicate body. Just a moment ago, she had been
supporting him. Now he put his chin on top of her head so she couldn't turn around.
"…You didn't mind hugging from the front, but now that it's from behind, you're
spooked," Amane teased.
"Anyone would be surprised by being hugged so suddenly!"
"You're the one who said I could lean on you. Though I held back because I knew this
would happen… It's bad for my heart."
Amane hadn't meant for this to happen. He was going to let Mahiru go off and pout, but
when he'd heard what she'd said, he felt a sudden surge of emotion, embarrassment,
and elation all at once, and reason left him—and his body had sought out Mahiru of
its own accord.
Gently, yet tightly, like he didn't want to let her slip away, he held on to Mahiru, who
felt like she might shatter if he squeezed too hard.
Mahiru tried to wriggle her way around to face him, but Amane whispered into her
ear, "Don't turn around."
She hung her head. Her face was bright red, and he heard her mutter, "…You dummy."
…I am a dummy; you're absolutely right.
He couldn't deny it. Here he was, taking advantage of her kindness in a vulnerable
moment… He was certainly a bad person.
But Mahiru hadn't pulled away from his touch, and he was grateful for that at least. He
enjoyed her warmth as he pressed his face into her hair, just as she had done to him
earlier, when she was trying to get him to accept her generosity. The difference
between then and now, Amane thought, was that he knew how she would respond.
"Now do you understand how I was feeling before?" he asked.
"I—I do, but—"
The shrillness in her voice told him she was upset. Her ears were red, and even though
he couldn't actually tell from this angle, Amane had no doubt that her face had also
turned the same intense color.
Even Amane understood he had done something bad. He'd only done this because he
had been sure she wouldn't turn him down.
"…Um, so look. You really don't need to worry so much about me," he said. "It's not like
I'm dying from some terrible condition or something. And besides, I can be pretty
shameless, so if you spoil me too much, I'll end up taking advantage of your kindness."
Mahiru listened quietly to Amane's words, then let out a sigh. "…If you find it satisfying,
if it helps heal you, then I'm not going to refuse a hug."
She reached up with one hand and gently touched him on the arm. She didn't brush
him away or smack him; she simply placed her hand gently on his arm, as if to draw
him closer. Amane warned himself not to get too carried away, but he still pressed his
face into Mahiru's hair again.
"I'm a crafty guy, you know. I knew you would accept the burden, so I started relying
on you."
"What are you talking about? I've always known you're trouble."
Amane knew his recent actions had stemmed from his own cowardice, but he wasn't
quite sure what she meant by trouble.
"…I feel like there's something you want to say to me…"
"Yes, if you have any self-awareness at all, then it's time to shape up and fly right. My
heart really can't take any more of this."
"I really don't have a clue what you're talking about," Amane protested.
"Mm-hmm," Mahiru hummed, then slapped Amane on the arm. It didn't hurt, and he
laughed quietly at her playful attack.
"I'm sorry for being so much trouble."
"…Well, if you're going to be trouble anyway, you might as well go all the way."
"But… What you were saying earlier…"
"That was that, and this is this."
"Oh…?"
He wasn't sure what Mahiru meant, but she certainly seemed to have something in
mind, so far be it from Amane to argue.
If Mahiru thought he seemed troublesome, then he probably was. But he didn't know
how to respond when she told him to up the ante.
"I can be crafty, too, you know," Mahiru said. "So I suppose I really don't have much
room to complain."
"In what way, Mahiru?"
"Hmm, I wonder?"
He felt her body tremble slightly with laughter.
"If you haven't realized yet that I also have a few tricks up my sleeve, you still have a
long way to go, Amane."
Even though Amane couldn't see her face, it was clear she was laughing gleefully.
Gracefully, she slipped out of his arms and whirled around to face him.
Her expression when she did was vibrant, and mischievous, and tender, and sweet—
a lovely and beautiful smile that would enchant anyone who saw it. Amane was
speechless.
When she saw Amane like that, Mahiru seemed satisfied, and she turned and headed
for the kitchen in her usual high spirits.
Amane watched her leave the room and then collapsed onto the sofa.
…You're a big dummy, too, you know.
What was she trying to do, flashing him a look like that? He didn't think he could string
together the words to ask her. All he could do was sit there, grumbling quietly.
But the pain in the depths of his chest was gone.
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