章 84: Chapter 12: Painful Conversation
[Kurushima Pov]
[Wednesday, 3rd February]
After my conversation with Aoki was over I looked a long time at the ceiling. I was immersed in countless of thoughts despite my attempt to calm them down.
But it didn't work.
Today, was surely a different kind of day.
First, my conversation with Ryūen, my short encounter with Hiyori as well, my meeting with Sakayanagi, and then my conversation with Fuka Kiryuin, a prominent 2nd Year student figure.
It didn't count all the talk I received nor how many people were immersed in reading some of the news articles that were from my past.
It's as if everyone is suddenly more interested in me than before.
Well, they are, obviously.
After all, yesterday after school they revealed the articles of my past upon my request.
I had withheld them long enough.
Standing up from my bed I looked at my messy room, where one of the walls was covered with blood stains.
But that wasn't all.
My room was full of clothes lying everywhere on the ground, alongside countless of water bottles and Ramen Boxes stacked up.
I didn't clean up my room that much ever since I spent the whole last week in my room.
After the Mixed Training Camp ended, the next following day was immediately Kaori's birthday. At first, I thought I could be all right, but memories kept flooding inside my mind.
It was painful, and I soon ended up staying home, once again. These kinds of days were the worst.
I felt the most vulnerable when the birthday of someone of my family was approaching.
Just to forget these things I tried everything.
But no matter what I did, what I tried to distract myself with, the memories didn't stop flooding.
It didn't matter if I ate food, watched television, trained, or ended up doing something else entirely.
The memories just didn't want to stop.
At cases like these I resorted to these kind of medications that made me help go through all this, Benzodiazepine.
Normally, I had complete other sleeping medications that worked on me, the ones that would not make you addictive to them, but in certain times such as these, only something like that could help me.
Benzodiazepine, known as the strongest medication for anxiety, sleeping troubles, but like every other good medication, it had quite the side effects.
Memory loss, personality change, an increased risk of dependency, things like that, were the most notable downsides.
I didn't want to rely on them at all, but when nothing helped, this was the only medication that made me go through this.
Like last week as well with Kaori's birthday.
In that particular instance I had to rely on it for a week again. The normal sleeping medications didn't work. That was why, the other medication was so important during this period of time.
But I absolutely hated to rely on it.
Those were my genuine feelings on it.
"But strangely, I didn't need any sleeping medications when I was with her."
The earliest case I remember not needing sleeping medications is before their deaths. After it happened, I couldn't sleep without them ever since now.
In the beginning when everything happened it was difficult, and I needed stronger sleeping pills.
Over time it became more bearable, and I needed less of these strong sleeping medications and was fine with normal ones as well.
Just in certain cases I needed Benzodiazepine. But ever since I'm in this school... Everything changed.
The first time I noticed falling asleep without needing them was on the 1st July, when it was the anniversary of my family's death.
No less, it wasn't the ordinary ones I didn't need that day, but the very strong ones.
It was a surprise for me, when I woke up. That never happened before.
But I wasn't miraculously cured from it. There was a reason for it.
A silly one, when I thought about it back then, but a certain girl was the reason for it.
Hiyori Shiina... A girl whom I had just known 4 months at that time, and probably before I noticed it, I had fallen for her.
Perhaps it was within the first month, our first meeting, or the following ones, but one thing was for sure, she had conquered my heart before I myself was aware of it.
I always thought I conquered her heart... But it's the complete opposite thinking back about it.
How ironic...
I felt how a slight smile toggled upon my lips as I recalled these days with her.
To say I didn't miss her was a lie. I did. But I didn't want to drag her into all my troubles.
That is why, I convinced myself it was for the best course of action.
However ever since that 'guy' has began to annoy me again, I have been thinking whether it was truly the best course of action in the end.
"Haaah..."
My emotions riled up again. It definitely wasn't easy to get rid of this thought, no matter how hard I tried.
In the end, I had to live with it.
The regret I felt deep down in my heart, for not choosing another path.
...
"I should clean up my room..."
To get rid of these thoughts I had tried on cleaning up my room, but it didn't help much.
In the end, I shouldn't let it shake of my plans...
Yes...
"I still need to hand him over that letter..."
My eyes narrowly wandered to my table where the letter was lying. But my eyes quickly traced off to the other object on my table as well.
"Nearly empty, huh? I need to get more of them tomorrow..."
Although I was planning on going outside right now and hand him over the letter secretly, there was a reason why I wouldn't go to the doctor and let him prescribe me my usual sleeping medications today.
It deeply rooted in my plan as well.
To appear now, would ruin everything.
But I did ruin a few things today already, especially, with my injuries, just thirty minutes ago...
"Well... I'll treat them better now, and I say nothing ever happened. In case... I can also hide them..."
There were always options.
If it didn't heal good enough, just hide them well enough with hand cream or something like make-up.
Well... I hope I don't have to do the letter, though.
--
[Thursday, 4th February]
After the school ended I walked with a deep sigh to our arranged meeting location.
I looked at the angry person standing there with a slight smile.
"Do you know how long I've waited?!"
"Be at ease, Sensei. I just rejected two girls, you know?" I said, a slight smile appearing on my face.
"When I told you that we should meet-up today, I didn't take into consideration that I would receive again love letters in a single day. I thought my previous record scared them. Well, I guess not."
It was a hot topic how I rejected yesterday that many girls in a single day, but it didn't prevent two other girls to confess their feelings to me today as well.
Unfortunately, it was at a bad time, so I was late. Although it didn't quite matter, anyway. He would have waited, no matter at what time I came.
Because that's the kind of relationship we had.
I asked, instructed, and he obeyed.
That was the kind of trump card I held over him.
Understanding even a tiny bit of my reason, he nodded his head. But it didn't mean he was less annoyed by that particular information.
He stared at my eyes, arrogance and confidence written across his face. I suppose I have to clarify our positions one more time.
"I want to clarify something, Kurushima Kaoru. I have no intention of following your scurrility orders any longer."
"Scurrility? Orders? Sensei, I have no idea what you are talking about. Is something wrong with your memories? I guess that's a thing when you are nearly reaching your fifties, right?"
The expression on his face darkened, but I didn't stop.
"You said I have done something. But what exactly have I done, Sensei? Shouldn't I be rather asking you that. Do you want me to say what you have done? Do you?"
"I'm sure you haven't forgotten."
"You..."
Realizing that I had no intention of elaborating my request nor mentioning the blackmail in front of his face he stood there silently.
I wasn't that stupid that he could use a recording against me. But his reaction is certainly amusing.
The recording had gotten in the moment useless I didn't play after his game.
"Sensei, please hand it over," Nonetheless, I gestured with my hand to get his phone, and he soon realized he had no grounds to object.
Otherwise his career would be over.
He showed me his phone and I quickly deleted his pathetic attempt of recording me.
If it was me I would have another phone prepared, but even teachers don't take their phones on the campus with them.
It's not like they can't, but I've figured the school will look unfavorably at you, if you do.
That much was clear for me already.
But even so, I observed his facial expression a moment long further and couldn't see that sort of attempt from him.
"What if I had not complied? What would you have done then?" He asked, his tone still prideful despite everything, wanting to know what thing I had in my sleeve if he had refused.
"Nothing, really," I said quietly, smiling at him maliciously, seeing a light twitch on his body, presumably the shivers he got from my smile all across his body.
I continued to smile, but he didn't know that he was for one of my plans of the most urgent importance.
No—He was of such great importance and yet, he didn't know anything going on.
I always wanted to leave dramatically, so with this plan, I will do so.
"You don't believe me, right? Well, I can't take you it bad. But you should know what I came for."
"The thing you asked me on Monday. . . I did it. I put the information in your mailbox."
I nodded, merely.
After I had seen the rumor that came from Ayanokoji on Monday where he had put a piece of paper in the mailbox that said 'Ichinose Honami is a criminal' I had gotten the perfect chance of pulling up my now current plan.
"I see. I'll be going. Bye-bye, Sensei."
"Wait! You called me just for this?! Just for this?!"
"Is there a problem with it?"
"There is..."
"But you can't do anything, can you? Well... After much more thought I'll be staying here for a short time."
"Huh?"
"Why are you still staying here, Sensei? I need to go to the toilet. Are you going to watch me? I didn't think you were..."
But his eyes this time were full of anger from the mock of my provocation. I could see how much my words affected him but everything was deliberately done by me.
"What? I am right? Oh... I didn't think that."
He hardened his fists but then turned his back on me. "I won't forget this, Kurushima Kaoru..."
"Please don't. It would be boring if you did, after all."
He looked at me in utter disbelief, not comprehending anything that is going on. But before he did something or tried on talking to me any further he left the bathroom in full anger.
In return I smiled happily because the cameras on his way would record him, like how I wanted it to be.
This location here is perfect because of how far it is away from the school building, so few students rarely ever cross their paths here.
It was in short the perfect location where I could do this, and make it thoroughly believable.
"Now it's time to do this, huh? One... Two... Three..."
I began to hit myself in various kinds of location. My abdomen, my face, and at much more locations, going as far as getting bruises on my upper body.
Now it was finally time to visit the doctor.
"Time to act now."
Stretching my arms in the air I looked a moment long in the mirror before walking away.
"Lips bleeding, clearly from being hit, alongside other injuries visible on my body..."
"That doesn't look good for you at all, Sensei."
I smiled wryly, upon seeing my face.
I did better than expected, honestly.
But strangely, I didn't feel much guilt.
"You reap what you sow, huh? If you never had tried to hit me unjustifiably during Zazen back then I would have no grounds on pulling this plan off, after all."
"It's your fault, as much as it's mine as well."
I slowly walked out of the bathroom.
It was now time to pull off a masterpiece of an act in front of a doctor.
--
I left the doctor's place after having him record all my sustained injuries, alongside getting a receipt for both my painkillers and my sleeping pills.
It was now time to visit the Pharmacy.
"K-Kaoru?!"
Just as I left the doctor I saw a very familiar girl in front of me. She looked at my face firstly surprised, then worried, after seeing my lips upon closer inspection.
"W-what happened?"
"Nothing... I'll be going."
But just as I tried to walk away I felt a tug on my uniform. I could see how her right hand held me, her facial expression nervous, yet eluded determination to talk with me.
"Can we please talk?"
"Uh. . ."
I was hesitant upon her request because of how vulnerable I felt around her, but she looked at me with such determining eyes that it was unimaginably hard to reject her.
However. . . I also felt that if I talked to her right now in this state I could say something I absolutely shouldn't say.
"Sorry..."
"I have to go. I don't feel so well."
It felt like I was dragging the inevitable merely around. If I'm already planning on leaving next week. . . I should at least answer her questions properly.
That's the very least thing I owed her.
And yet. . .
Here I am, trying on avoiding her once again.
"I see. You also don't look... well. Do you need something? I can get it, if you want."
She looked at me in the face, with visible concern and sadness written over her face. I couldn't figure out why she kept worrying about me, especially, when I hurt her bad, but I suppose her feelings for me have not changed any bit as well.
I wasn't sure how to react.
Even though I was heavily injured, they were self-inflicted.
So having her worry about me made me feel even more conflicted than I was before.
She truly is a kind and beautiful soul...
"There's no need for that. I just need a bit of sleep. I'm having troubles again to sleep properly. My condition is inclined to that and these troublesome injuries I need to treat."
I kept myself short, hoping that would suffice. But in the end, I should have known better that she wouldn't rest the topic until she knew how I was injured.
"Kaoru. . . I can help you with them, if you'd like. I know that you aren't the best when taking care of your injuries."
"I suppose you're right with that. I am really not good at taking care of me sometimes, but your help is not necessarily. I will be fine."
"You are doing it again, Kaoru. Avoiding me..."
Her voice sounded strained, hurtful of what I was doing to her. But ultimately, I knew it was for the best.
Even so, when I heard her, my heart ached in pain, once more. This phenomenon of "heart pain" that those experience who are in love is more hurtful than what I have read countless of times in books.
It wasn't anything like what I imagined. This is what happens when I am around her presence.
Because of that my thoughts were swindling of guilt and regret once more. No matter what I try, shaking these thoughts off is impossible when I'm close to her.
But. . . I still need to keep a cool head here. I shouldn't bring myself to say more than necessarily.
Under any costs.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I was calling you by your first name the whole time. It has simply become a habit of mine..."
Consumed by my thoughts of regret and guilt I didn't notice her speaking, but I did my best to reply fast.
"It's fine. If you are more comfortable addressing me with my first name that's okay for me. You can do as you like. I don't mind."
"Then please do the same with me as well."
She said that, before looking at me deep in the eyes.
It was challenging for me to look at her with my cold attire. Especially, when around her I deeply want to act the opposite from the bottom of my heart, but this was a necessarily step as well.
Only in doing things like these she will have an easier time to move on from me.
And me. . . too, hopefully.
"Kaoru... I—I wanted to talk with you for so long. . . But you kept on evading me."
My expression stiffed when I heard her pained voice. Because of both the guilt and regret I felt I couldn't stand the sight to see her this sad.
When I broke up with her I mustered everything I had to do it. But over time I realized how empty life had been after that.
It was. . . difficult.
Two months ago I was happy, with a life I could be satisfied with.
In the end, I ruined it with my own hands. I deprived myself of any potential happiness I could have had.
I really would love to continue with that kind of life... But there's no way I can do it.
"I. . . missed you a lot."
Her words left a profound silence in the air.
They destroyed all of the barriers I put up in front of me to maintain distance between the two of us instantly.
Everything I tried to maintain crumbled in this particular moment.
My chest began to tighten itself, because of the guilt, the pain and above anything else, the very own feelings I held for her.
Seeing her meaning these words, her eyes screaming how deeply she felt this way—It all pained me because I was the cause of that.
Before I even noticed my mouth moved already.
"I missed you too," I admitted quietly, my voice drowning in the regret I felt because of my actions. "Every single day, since then..."
Admits everything—to experience this—that wasn't intended.
Love. . .
It was back then nothing more than a stupid concept for me.
Something I would never experience.
It was just that.
I never believed in it when I enrolled here.
But I soon realized how wrong I was.
In the end, it wasn't bad at all.
It was far better than I ever thought.
But. . .
It brought me also a step closer to my fears again.
I had gained someone I care so deeply about, that if I was the reason anything would happen to her... I could never forgive me for it.
That's why... I put this barrier up in the first place.
Because if something were to happen to her because of me...
I would undeniably lose my mind.
Kaoru... That's why, you have to do this.
Remember...
Please do...
I looked at her, and saw how her breath hitched. She had a glimmer hope in her expression and made it all even more painful.
My hands clenched because of the pain I would end up causing her. I hated every single moment of doing it.
But I convinced myself that it was for the better.
"My feelings for you never changed as well."
"However. . ."
"I'm sorry, I can't be together with you. My answer remains the same as before, Hiyori."
"Also. . ."
"I will be leaving the school next week. After I finish the last few affairs that keep me here I will be gone, once and for all."
"So please. . . Forget about me. I'm scum. Remember me as that as well. Hate me from the bottom of your heart if it helps. I deserve it."
"Because I hurt you this much."
"Goodbye. . . I suppose this will be our farewell then, won't it? I'm really sorry. . ."
"For everything. That you feel in love with a human scum like me was never intended."
"I truly never wished to hurt you."
"Being with me means only pain and suffering. I don't want that fate for you."
"Farewell, Hiyori. . ."
I moved away without looking back, no matter what.
Even when I heard her crying sound from behind me, I couldn't look back.
And yet, the desire to get back with her was never as high as now.
The urge to get back, reconcile, to hug and console her, here and now was stronger than ever before, but I suppressed with all my might.
Just like how I was able to live with my memories from my childhood over the years that brought me traumatic experiences I tried the same here as well.
I was accustomed to this already.
But why... Does it feel this time so different?
It truly feels like... there's no turning back anymore.
That's what I wanted, right?
Yeah...
It's on me...
But I already immensely regret it in the bottom of my heart...
--
"I'm back again," I said, in a nonchalant way, knowing that there was no person greeting me.
Perhaps I have gone crazy, because I like to imagine that my family is watching over me sometimes.
But I do hope in some way, they do not.
I truly would never want them to see this kind of version of me.
"Hah. . ."
These days, regret was following me left and right. I can't believe that I'm still not past that at all.
I wish I could just turn off everything, but for me that's not possible, is it?
Probably not.
I walked toward my bedroom and laid myself on it. I looked at the ceiling and wondered what I was even doing and what I had done just now.
The girl I loved. . . I shunned her now once and for all out of my life, didn't I?
I . . . really hate this feeling.
The pain.
The guilt.
The regret.
Every single thing.
I don't even have the energy to do anything else, due to how I feel right now.
In the end, I guess. . . This tight feeling in my chest will never fade away, will it?
My destiny—had been written in stones, since that fateful day.
I must avenge them.
Get Justice for them.
If I can't even do a task like that—What's the purpose of my life?
Yeah. . . Revenge is everything I need.
That's right. . .
That's why...
This time, I will succeed, no matter what.
The first time was a fluke from my side, the second time a test, but the third time will be my first move towards Atsuomi Ayanokoji.
How will he feel when his perfect work gets expelled?
Surely, he will be more than just angered.
I will ruin everything he worked hard for.
This time...
I won't be plagued by my morals anymore.
No more of this weak self, who struggles to coop with his decisions every day, frowning out of regret.
I—need to think of just that one goal.
If I do that, everything will be fine.
I just have to become like that bastard, almost in that essence.
Shut everything unnecessarily out... that stands in my way for revenge.
A fluke like that. . . will never happen again.
Chairman Sakayanagi's survival is because of my weak mindset, back then.
If I was more determined, I wouldn't have these difficulties to begin with.
I created the perfect circumstances where his demise should have looked natural, but I wasn't able to pull it off completely.
Now. . . Look at where it brought me.
Atsuomi Ayanokoji can find about me soon, if I'm not careful enough.
I still wasn't sure if I could fight against him now.
While I did do many preparations for a political enemy, would it use on him, since he is someone that is not in politics currently?
Even then, I had to figure out if he is this influential to bend the police on his own or if there is a supporter behind him as well.
That never crossed my line of thought until recently, but I suppose I just didn't want to believe someone backing him up on this matter.
If it is, who could it be?
Naoe, the dying old man that is kept alive through the life support systems on the hospital?
It would make sense since he should be aware of plenty of secrets from him.
If he was arrested, he would get problems as well.
But I already concluded that he forced him to shut off the white room.
Everything aligns perfectly with that information I have on the hand as well.
Atsuomi Ayanokoji left the House of The Representatives during 2005, before the general election on September had been held.
This was also why I never knew about him when I looked into politicians because my family died two years later.
Kijima-san was at that point the prime minister even before he was 'formally' introduced as one and the project was forced to shut down due to him.
"Could it be... That. . . I'm overthinking everything again?"
"No... I don't know even myself."
To say the least, I can't completely doubt it. There should be someone supporting him on a high position, at least.
Even if he was powerful enough to bend the police back then to his will, can he do it with the judges as well?
Also... Why did he keep quiet?
Doesn't he suspect me from my behavior back then from the police?
Some things don't add up as much as I try to think about them now.
Why would he... Let a variable like me even live?
I was told basically, that someone murdered them indirectly.
Would he really do that?
Let me live. . .?
Or could it be. . . Someone else did manipulate the police and wants me to eliminate Atsuomi Ayanokoji?
"No, no, no, what the hell am I even thinking about? I'm being ridiculous right now."
"I have everything I need to know right at my hands. He is the murderer of my family. My father's diary isn't wrong."
"I should stop with these absurd theories now."
"My goal should be expelling Ayanokoji, above everything else. I shouldn't be so conceited in these things."
"But. . ."
"Perhaps, it might be better if I ask Aoki to dig out a bit, right? As a security measure, if it proves to be right."
Among all people listed in the diary entries of my father, almost none of them should be able to pull this off so easily.
Naoe, is the only exception, alongside perhaps, Atsuomi Ayanokoji, whom I am still relatively unsure about.
I have too few informations regarding him on my hands.
But if it's not him, who else could have done it?
Who possibly could have backed him up?
If there's truly even something to my absurd theory, my worst enemy might have to be revealed yet.
It has to be someone from the citizen party, at the very least.
So I need to look at the most influential candidates again.
I do hope that's just me underestimating Atsuomi Ayanokoji and nothing more.
"I should close my eyes. . ."
"Let's think of improvements for my plan to expel Ayanokoji. . ."
--
A/N: And this concludes the chapter.
Sorry, that it took so long. But for those following me on Wattpad, should have read my message. I was busy with University work, basically.
Group works, and such.
My group was. . . Yeah, let's not talk about it.
I put the most effort into it, and can't believe how often I needed to call some individuals there out.
Well, anyway, I don't want to think of the last week that troubled me so much, so I won't talk about it any longer.
I feel pure frustration thinking about last week...
Anyway, change of topic, what do you like about this story the most?
I'm trying my best on creating something interesting for people to read, that contains many topics.
Focus on Revenge, Mind Games, Political Plot, Character Depth, Character Interactions, Good Plot and Romance, as well.
I just wish to make an interesting story, I enjoy to write and people like to read.
If you're here because you like Kurushima, that's also fine.
He's a bit more different than the average classroom of the elite OC.
I would say I wrote him quite realistic, but I'm no one to judge that.
Well, I would love to get some answers.
Also, since the holidays are now, I'll try to get chapters out much faster.
Sorry, that it took so long.
Can't maintain my schedule like when I was not in University, but I'll see if I can do it faster now when it starts again.
Next Update, should be considerably faster.
I try to get it fast out.
Also, don't know when you all will be reading this, but since soon is Christmas, I wish you all happy Christmas, just in case.
That's all from my side then.
If you have any questions, please ask them right away.
Goodbye.
Have a great day.
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