章 34: 34. Sleep
Thoughts were a scary thing in the earliest hours of the morning.
She had always told him that he thought too much, that he let his mind trap him sometimes and he could never really just be. Her comments were not out of spite, or accusing by any means, they were merely observational, a tactic to tug him back down to earth when he stared off into space for too long or had paced for worrying amounts of time.
It was something he wished he could just shut off. He often wished he could silence the voices in his mind at will and only summon them when they were needed. He even caught himself a few times wishing he couldn't think at all.
He tried to stay above the rising wave of images, ideas, feelings as much as he could, fighting it down, living "in the moment" as his mom would call it. Because despite how often he found himself drifting, the life in which he had found himself in was truly a captivating one and one he enjoyed very much.
This moment, for instance, is one he should be enjoying.
But he's drowning instead.
It's just the him and El in his basement and nothing has ever felt more right. Both her parents and his parents know she's here and sure, there was plenty of arm-twisting to get her here, but all that mattered was that she was in fact here. She was here and content and alive and beautiful.
They set up in the blanket fort as usual, both their sleeping bags left unzipped, their pillows propped up slightly against the wall. She had started fading fast during their second movie of the night, his fingers in her hair and his gentle kisses on her scalp lulling her swiftly to sleep. He's watched her doze off enough times to know when she was about to hit the point of being completely out and so, knew when to tenderly nudge her awake, whispering that they should move to where their sleeping bags were waiting for them. She'd murmured her agreement, clutching his hand as he shut off the television and followed him to their special place, the one she will forever feel attached to. He had climbed in first, slipping into his sleeping bag and knowing she wasn't far behind as he settled down among the pillows and blankets. His heart swelled as he reached for her and she smiled sleepily, crawling over to him like a moth drawn to the flame and she nestles herself against him, resting her head on his chest and throwing an arm across his torso, holding him tight as she exhales, letting her body sink against his. His skin buzzes in delight as he secures her in his arms and the last thought he has before he closes his eyes is how unbelievably lucky he is that his El curled up beside him.
Only, his thoughts don't stop there.In an instant, they multiply, growing sharp and jagged, humming incessantly around his head and he grits his teeth, determined not to let them win, not this time. He tries counting his breaths, he tries focusing on the girl he's holding, he tries letting his mind tell himself a story, but nothing works as the minutes tick by.
And as the minutes turn into hours, he finds himself getting more and more restless as his thoughts get louder and louder, filling his head with a cacophony of noise and he squirms, knowing El is in deep, deep sleep by now and there's no way he's going to wake her up.
Until suddenly, somewhere around three in the morning, he can't take it anymore. He has to get out. He's suffocating, his bones aching from staying in one position for so long, his muscles tense and rigid, the walls of the fort instantly feeling too confining, too small, too menacing and, loathing that he has to do this, he slowly extracts his arms from around El, slipping out of her embrace as slowly and as gently as he can. She whimpers softly when her arm lands on his empty sleeping bag and it hurts his heart, but she doesn't wake up. Exhaling silently in relief, he crawls out of the fort, stretching out his tight muscles before heading for his basement door.
Promising himself that he'll come back long before El will wake up, he slips out into the night, shutting the door quietly behind him and walks a few feet before plopping down on the grass. As he lets the night air fill his lungs, he smiles, closing his eyes as everything seems to slow down. His thoughts, his racing heartbeat, the turning of the earth, all of it is suddenly gentle, soothing, simple. He lets the infinite size of the universe shrink him down until he feels almost insignificant, his anxiety practically nonexistent to the great vastness of the world.
He doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to go back to a place where his thoughts will suffocate him mercilessly. He needs a better solution than running away from them, but he doesn't want to think of one, because he's done too much thinking for one night.
His concept of time has been warped and he loses track of how long he sits out there, but he could care less, because he craves the silence and the peace the quiet night gives him. Maybe he should just sleep out here...
Suddenly, a worried cry of his name pierces the tranquility of the moment, and he jumps, his heart rate spiking. Oh no, El. He hurriedly gets to his feet, running back to the basement door, chiding himself for leaving her all alone without telling her. Stupid, stupid, stupid...
His hand lands on the doorknob, but it's flung open when he goes to turn it, and he tenses before his eyes land on his girlfriend, wide-eyed but still sleepy. She's absolutely adorable.
"I'm sorry." He finds himself apologizing before he's even thought about it and she shakes her head fervently. "It's okay, Mike. What were you doing?" He shrugs, his gaze dropping to the ground as she waits patiently for his answer. "I couldn't sleep," he mumbles finally and he can clearly see the skepticism in her face when he looks back up to her. He chuckles slightly, before clarifying. "No, like, I actually couldn't sleep," he tells her honestly and she nods thoughtfully, taking a step toward him and closing the door slightly behind her. "Why?" "My mind wouldn't shut off, I guess," he replies. "Too many thoughts, questions, voices, images...they just wouldn't stop."
She absentmindedly takes her bottom lip between her teeth as she continues to look at him and he shuffles his feet, hating to see the look of concern on her face.
The smile he puts on doesn't feel entirely fake as he attempts to dodge her worries and show her that he's definitely completely fine, but when her face brightens with an idea, he realizes she's going to try and fix this anyway.
"Do you want to sleep out here tonight?"
The idea should sound more absurd than his mind processes it to be, but right then, nothing sounds better and he nods sheepishly. She beams at him, making his sleepy heart flutter and he catches her wrist as she turns to dart back inside, pulling her closer to press his lips to her cheek quickly. She's blushing as she retreats back into the basement and he hears her rustling around before she appears carrying both their sleeping bags, their pillows and a blanket.
A quick glance at the clock on the table behind her shows that it's nearly one in the morning and the guilt creeps in as they take a few steps over to the grass and begin laying everything down. "El, you need to sleep too, I don't want to keep you up," he tells her quietly, not wanting his disruptive sleep cycle to interfere with hers. She simply shrugs, giving him a sleepy smile as she replies, "I'd rather be with you out here. I don't like not sleeping beside you."
It's a casual statement, but it's one that means more to him than he can ever explain. Having her sleep by his side makes him feel complete and he can't deny that twinge of loneliness when he can't feel her beside him.
And perhaps that's what led her out here, he supposes as he slips into his sleeping bag, turning on his side to watch her do the same. Perhaps she needs to feel his presence as she rests just as much as he needs to feel hers.
With that thought humming in his mind, he scoots closer to her, wrapping an arm around her waist as hers rests on his shoulders. "Thank you," he whispers, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to her forehead. "Anytime," she whispers back. "Now sleep. I've got you." He nods, so thankful that she isn't going to leave his side and, with this reassurance, the warmth of her body and the whispering breeze around them, he lets his eyes slip shut, his mind quiet and at peace and it isn't long before he succumbs to blissful slumber.
Knowing Mike like the back of her hand is something El prides herself on. So it doesn't come as a surprise to her when she can pinpoint the exact moment that he finally falls into a deep sleep. His breaths even out, his face droops almost imperceptibly and the tension he's been carrying in his muscles slips away, allowing him to relax. She lets out a breath she didn't know had been trapped in her lungs when she sees he's finally getting some rest.
Sighing contently, she snuggles further into his arms, closing her eyes and waits for sleep to take her too.
Except, it never does. Because every time Mike shifts or makes a noise, her eyes fly back open, watching him intently for any signs that he still can't sleep. She's worried for him. That big brain of his needs time to relax and recover from the day, and if it doesn't, he wears himself down way too quickly for her liking.
And that's how she spends the night. Anxiously watching the sleeping boy beside her, pushing her own needs to rest aside in favor of making sure he's okay.
Eventually, he awakes when the sun slips over the horizon, the first beams of morning light warming up his skin and coaxing him slowly back to consciousness. She's been dozing occasionally and her eyes snap open when he stirs, her insides fluttering as she watches him inhale deeply and scrunch up his face before he drearily opens his eyes. "El?" he murmurs, his eyebrows knitting together as he stares at her blankly, trying to piece together where he was. She smiles, lifting a hand to run it gently through his hair. "Good morning. We fell asleep outside, remember?" He finally looks away from her then, glancing around at their surroundings before chuckling softly. "Right," he says, shaking his head and turning back to her. "Thank you. I slept really well." His point is emphasized as he yawns and she giggles. "Good, I'm glad you did. I didn't like seeing you...anxious." He shrugs, scooting closer to her and kissing her forehead in a way that holds a thousand meanings and she understands each one of them.
He's apologizing for dragging her into this, but he's grateful too, grateful that she cares about him so much and is looking after his wellbeing. He knows she's worried about him and he can't stop that, because he's worried about her too, but he's fearful that maybe she's worrying too much.
He pulls back slowly and she sighs, sinking back into his arms and letting the moment wash over her. "Breakfast?" he eventually whispers after they've laid in peace for a while and she nods enthusiastically, knowing Karen Wheeler can make a mean batch of blueberry pancakes.
It's only when she stands up and almost falls back down, her head reeling dangerously, her vision growing fuzzy for a moment that she suddenly realizes what a bad idea staying up to watch him was. But it was worth it, she convinces herself as she wipes the sleep hastily from her eyes. Mike slept and that's all that matters.
—
El is not surprised in the slightest when she's absolutely exhausted the following night. She's napped intermittently throughout the day once Hopper came to pick her up from the Wheeler's, self-proclaiming it a "lazy day", despite the homework she still has to do. But despite that, she's relieved when she climbs into bed after bidding Hopper goodnight, flicking the lights off telepathically and sighing as her head sinks down into the pillows, her comforter draped warmly around her. Her thoughts begin to dim and she slowly feels herself slipping, slipping, slipping...
'What if Mike can't sleep tonight again?' her mind suddenly whispers traitorously and her eyes fly open as worry seeps into her heart. That...that can't happen, he needs sleep, he's growing too much for him not to get rest. Logically, she knows his sleep patterns are completely out of her control at this point and it's not like she has magical powers that would make him fall asleep if he wasn't already, but, according to the clock beside her bed, it's already 11:30 at night. Meaning her thoughts are now officially way out of proportion and she has no choice to believe their crazy lies.
She tosses and turns throughout the entire night, staring into nothingness as she pictures Mike, restless and exhausted as his mind churns relentlessly, an image that only worries her even more.
The last numbers she remembers seeing on her clock are 3:47, before she suddenly wakes to Hopper's fist pounding on her door, his booming voice declaring that she had ten minutes to get ready before they had to leave for school. Gasping sharply as she launches herself out of bed, she dresses herself as quickly as possible, triple checking the time to make sure Hopper wasn't just messing with her and rushes out to the living room. She nabs the toasted Eggo Hopper hands her as he's pulling on his coat and she thanks him with a nod, before she's pulling on her own jacket and swinging her backpack over her shoulders.
She nearly collapses in her seat when they finally get to the car, her hands shaking and her heart pounding wildly at the sudden chaotic start to her morning. Hopper's throwing her disapproving looks as he navigates them towards the school, but she barely pays them any attention, because her concern over Mike's wellbeing is back and she fidgets with her backpack strap as she runs through a list of everything that could've gone wrong for him last night and all the ways she could've been there to help him, but wasn't. She chides herself for taking it this far without even knowing what the true outcome of last night was, but, for some reason, it's not working today. She can't get the worry out of her head, no matter how hard she tries.
She shoots Hopper a wane smile when they pull up to the drop off lane, but she can tell he sees right through it. Sighing, he studies her for a moment longer, before nodding towards the school. "Have a good day, kid. Call the station if you need anything," he tells her gruffly, the concern creasing his brow, making her smile for real. "Thanks Dad. See you this afternoon," she tells him quietly, before opening the door and hopping out onto the pavement.
Mike. She needs to find Mike. He's probably fine, but she just...has to check, make sure he isn't putting on a brave face for the rest of the world to cover the fact that he's tired as hell.
She finds the party gathered at Max's locker, their laughter ringing down the hallways and the tightness of her chest lifts at the sound of her friends. They wave as she approaches and she smiles, bidding them good morning as she wraps her arms around her boyfriend, grinning when she feels him plant a kiss on the top of her head, squeezing her tight.
As the conversation turns to complaints about the history test Will and Dustin have second period, she nudges Mike, her heart fluttering as he glances down with an expectant smile. "How are you?" she whispers, hoping she doesn't sound overly concerned. He shrugs casually, his face open as he replies, "Not bad. A little tired, but you know, that's how Mondays go."
The warning bells that go off in her head are jarring as her stomach drops upon hearing her worst fear concerned. Oh no, he's trying to sugarcoat things, this is exactly what she didn't want. "No Mike, how are you actually?" she asks with a little more persistence and is rewarded with genuine confusion. "I'm fine, El. Really," he says, his brow creasing as he studies her more closely, no doubt wondering where this was coming from. "How are you?" "Good," she answers dismissively, not caring in the slightest bit that her body aches and her eyes were heavy from her lack of sleep. He doesn't need to worry about her.
She watches him closely throughout the day, feeling a little bad for jumping to conclusions when she doesn't have a definite answer yet and by the time the bell rings and she meets him out by the bike racks, her uncertainty has quieted and she soon finds herself forgetting about the whole thing, swept up in the antics of her friends as they relax in the Byers' living room.
She's content as she goes to bed that night, Mike's farewell kiss still buzzing on her lips and for the first time in two nights, she feels herself drifting into the beautiful slumber she's been deprived of the last two nights.
That is, until 'What if Mike actually was faking it today?' floats through her thoughts and it's official, she's wide awake with barely any hope of returning back to sleep. Great.
By the next morning, she's more annoyed than anything. She managed a whopping four hours of sleep last night and matched with the three she got the night before and the one she got that night with Mike, she's exhausted and her mood has severely plummeted.
The first part of the day is a blur. Her mind is purely focused on maintaining the illusion that she's perfectly fine and she finds herself continuously having to dig down deep to find the last of her energy just to make it through her first few classes. No one says anything, so it must be working, she concludes. She's fine. Everything's gonna be fine.
She meets Dustin after her sixth period Biology class, taking a breath and steeling herself for his boundless energy, before approaching him with a smile. "Hey El! How's it going?" he asks her, grinning widely and she shrugs as they begin walking to to their next class. "Good," she replies shortly. "How's your day?" "Great, you should've been there during our English class...your boyfriend fell asleep in the middle of our reading time, I laughed so hard when Mrs. Hartman woke him up!"
El blinks. "He...he what?" "Yeah, one minute he was reading, and the next, his head was on his desk and he was practically snoring!" Dustin chuckles as he relays his tale, but El barely hears him as her stomach drops and her thoughts come to a halt.
He really was faking it. He hasn't been sleeping well for who knows how long and what has she done about it? Nothing. She's done absolutely nothing to help him.
Distantly, a voice whispers how she wouldn't have been able to help him even if she did know, but it's not enough to stop the tidal wave of disappointment and uneasiness that hits her and she tunes Dustin out for the rest of their walk, already plotting when she can sit Mike down and persuade him to tell her the truth.
The opportunity presents itself that afternoon when Mike suggests they have a movie night tonight. "You know, hang out, stuff ourselves with food and cuddle while we watch whatever you want to," he tells her brightly as they meander towards his bike, their connected hands swinging lazily between them and she can't help but smile at him. "Yes please. Could...could we maybe do it at the cabin?" He frowns, cocking his head and she holds her breath. "Wouldn't Hopper be there, watching our every move?" "No, he's staying at the station late tonight," she replies, secretly thanking the stars that this is all lining up.
Because she finally is going to ask him how he's really been doing this week like she should've done earlier and while Mike's basement feels more like home than their secluded cabin in the woods, something about being away from all prying eyes to have this conversation puts her at ease.
"Yeah, that sounds good to me then," he says, shrugging his shoulders and she has to hold herself back from sighing in relief. "I'll be there at...six?" he suggests as they finally reach his bike and he bends down to unlock it while she nods in affirmation. "Six works," she replies, bouncing on her toes as she waits for him to finish. She approaches the bike once he's finished, waiting for him to mount it, but he pauses suddenly as he stands back up, glancing at her warily. "What?" she asks maybe too defensively and his brow creases in the most subtle way.
"El, are you okay?" His voice is overflowing with concern and her heart freezes. "Yes," she says with as much confidence as she can muster, deflecting his worries by throwing them back onto him. "Are you?" "Yeah, of course." The hurried nature of his response leaves a sour taste in her mouth, but she drops the subject, choosing instead to climb onto the bike behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her lips to his cheek in silent reassurance.
The ride to the cabin is a quiet one and he drops her off with the promise to return that evening. After watching him pedal off into the woods, she turns on her heel to start cleaning up the mess her and Hopper have made in their home.
Her mind goes blissfully numb over the next few hours, the mundane task of picking up her things quickly erasing her anxiety about the evening. And for once, she lets herself shut down, the unrelenting exhaustion creeping into her body as she works and she's tempted to give into it, but she needs to stay strong for Mike. She just needs to make it through tonight. Then maybe, just maybe, she can sleep.
The secret knock rings through the cabin at five minutes until six and her heart leaps in her throat. She glances around one last time, before taking a deep breath, exhaling slowly through her nose. He isn't gonna hurt her, or make fun of her. He wouldn't in his right mind have evil intentions toward her and it's with this reassurance that she unlocks the door, smiling as it swings open to reveal him on the other side.
"Hey," he greets her warmly, transferring the stack of VHS's he's gripping to the other hand holding a blanket so he can embrace her tightly. "Missed you." "I missed you too," she replies quietly, because despite everything going on, she will never, ever get tired of seeing him. "So," he starts once he lets her go. "What do you want to start with tonight?" He begins to move around the space, draping the blanket across the couch and placing his movies by the TV.
Okay. This is it.
"Mike...I actually need to ask you something first." Her heart is racing like mad and she watches him closely as his face fills with mild surprise. "Oh, okay...what...what is it?" he replies and she sighs as she leads them over to the couch, plopping down and he follows her, sitting across from her, close enough that their knees brush when they move. She blows out a breath, trying to reign in her nerves as she searches for the best way to approach this.
"Mike, I need you to tell me the truth." "Always El, you know that," he replies and she eyes him warily. He meets her gaze with honest, caring eyes and it melts her. This is Mike, she reminds herself. Mike doesn't lie and especially not to her. Which is why she's not so sure she's ready to hear the truth to her question.
"How much sleep have you gotten since Sunday?" she blurts out.
Confusion seeps onto Mike's face and she slowly bites her lip, her heart hammering from the anticipation to his response.
"I've gotten plenty of sleep since Sunday. That was really the only night I've had trouble sleeping recently, everything went back to normal after that. Why?"
She doesn't answer right away, too busy eyeing him intently for any signs that he's not telling the truth. Because he has no incentive to lie to her right now and her thoughts have been thrown into a frenzy. She wants to ask again, this time with more force, but instead what comes out is, "...really?"
"Yes, really. I wouldn't lie to you." "But...but you fell asleep in English. Dustin told me so." "Yeah, because the book we're reading is really, really boring. I wasn't tired, I just couldn't pay attention to the book."
Well damn. He's telling the truth. He really has been fine this entire time. All her anxiety, all her worry, all her sleepless nights...it was for nothing. She fell to a lie fueled by nothing but late night thoughts and she was stupid enough to believe it.
"El, how much sleep have you gotten since Sunday?" His hands come up to cup her cheeks and his thumbs run softly beneath her eyes. "You've been acting weird since then and the rings under your eyes keep getting darker. What's going on?"
Her mouth opens to respond to him, but no words come out, because this wasn't supposed to be about her, this was supposed to be about him and her being strong enough to carry his load, but that didn't work, and now she feels trapped into a corner, helpless and small.
"Eight hours," she finally manages to whisper and the befuddled look fills Mike's face once again. "A night? That's...that's really good. And you're still tired?" She shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut and his hands fall from cupping her cheeks to grasping her hands. "No, eight hours since Sunday. Including Sunday night."
"El..." She opens her eyes to see him reaching for her, his eyes immediately filled with concern, but she hesitates. This was not how this was supposed to go. "El," he tries again, his hands dropping back down to hold onto hers. "Why...why haven't you been sleeping?" He says it so gently that she feels tears beginning to clog her throat and she looks away, ashamed of how weak she's been over the past few days, but that only results in him scooting closer. "Please tell me the truth," he whispers.
"I...I've been worried about you. I thought you weren't sleeping and th-that's not good for you because you're growing and you need it. And then I couldn't stop thinking about how I sh-should be helping you, because that's what I'm s-supposed to do and I couldn't and I...I felt horrible."
There's silence after her confession and she squirms slightly, feeling exposed and stupid, but it doesn't last long, because a pair of arms wraps around her shoulders and this time, she goes willingly as he quietly pulls her against him. She rests her head in the crook of his neck and closes her eyes, sighing as she feels her guard slipping down to reveal a girl who's been suffocating silently, in desperate need of help, but too stubborn to reach out for it.
"Why did you tell me?" Mike asks after a while, tracing patterns up and down her back. "I thought you had enough going on anyway, you didn't need my problems too," she admits softly. "I understand," he replies, before he nudges her head with his shoulder and she looks up at him expectantly. "But El, I still wish you would've talked to me. I feel bad now, because you were hurting and I didn't do a thing about it." "Mike, it's okay-" "Is it? Because now I'm sad that you kept this from me." Her heart drops and it must've shown in her eyes, because his face softens and lowers his forehead to rest against hers. "I'm not mad, El," he continues quietly. "I just...I just hate seeing you struggle, especially if I could've helped you."
The corners of her lips turn up at that and she slides her arms around his waist, snuggling farther into him and he holds her tighter, letting his cheek rest against her curls. "I'll tell you next time," she says softly, meaning it wholeheartedly. "And...and promise me you'll do the same? That you'll let me know if you're hurting?" "Promise. You'll be the first one I tell, you almost always are," he replies, his voice warm and she grins, feeling satisfied as the knot in her chest lifts for the first time in four days.
Mike was okay. She was okay.
Well, sort of.
"El?" "Mmhm?" "Do you want to sleep?" Her heart floods with love and warmth from his words and she leans up to press a kiss to his jaw, before whispering, "Please." He smiles down at her before untangling himself from her and standing up, offering his hand to her and she takes it gladly, rising to her feet and following him to her bedroom. He softly shuts the door behind them, the only light coming from the moonlit window and he tugs her over to her bed. Letting go of her hand, he sits down first, situating himself so he's sitting cross legged with his back to the headboard and places one of her pillows in his lap. She tilts her head slightly, confused as to what his intentions are until he pulls the covers back in front of him and pats the mattress.
'He's perfect', her thoughts swoon for the millionth time as she takes a few steps towards him, pecking him on the lips gratefully, before crawling under the covers and laying her head gently on the pillow resting in his lap. Her eyes close softly on their own accord and she almost whimpers in delight when she feels his fingers begin to play gently with her hair, skimming across her scalp and combing their way through each curl and she swears she's going to melt right then and there.
But before that can happen, something else incredible happens. Her thoughts quiet, softened by the soothing touch of Mike's fingers and the tightness that clenches at her muscles dissolves, relaxing her to no end and she lets herself fall, blissful slumber awaiting her, wrapping her in its tender embrace.
"I'll be right here when you wake up," is the last thing she hears before El Hopper finally falls asleep.
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