章 45: It's All About Timing
Lilia[pov]
"You died."
"Yes."
"You come from a different planet."
"More or less."
"You are mentally an adult."
"Depends on your definition of maturity, but I'd say so."
"And you have all your memories intact."
"For the most part. Passage of time, and all that…"
"...you died."
"Yep."
"...uh… huh…"
I am at a loss for words.
Rudy… Rudeus Greyrat, my Rudy… is not… Rudeus Greyrat. He is… but he isn't. He did… not say anything I expected. Anything anyone could expect. He is… simply… shattered my world.
Again.
Per usual I suppose.
I don't know what I was expecting, but it most assuredly wasn't what I received.
Rudeus has never been a normal child. He has always done things at his pace. Which is wild, and with reckless abandonment. Eccentric, and a little rabunctions, he is the very definition of a wild child. But… at his core, he is a sweet child. He is still sweet… but I can no longer attach the moniker of child to him.
He was a man this whole time.
Never in my wildest dreams would I…
It was a lot to take in.
But it explains so much.
An 'abnormal child,' I feel like kicking myself for giving him such a moniker, but yet who could have believed such a thing. Or rather…
There is more than one planet?
Just as casually as he breathed, tore down everything I believe in, and kept doing so as he crafted a tale about towers that scrape the sky, of libraries held in the palm in your hand, and a world rid of monsters, where dying of overeating and sloth were very credible worries. It's so foreign and fantastical, it could only come from the mouth of a child.
And yet… it was said with such certainty, and with great detail, that I couldn't sense any falsehood in his tale.
Not that he ever could tell lies.
As if discussing the items on a shopping list, he started explaining the inner workings of death, and rebirth, before throwing away the list, and going onto another one.
He flipped the heavens and earth, and threw everything out the window.
BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW!
I'm calm… I'm calm… calm…
I breathe out a sigh of relief.
I just wished he had a little more decorum as he does this kind of thing.
My heart…
"Wow…" I muttered.
"Yeah… penny for your thoughts?"
We're still leaning against Zenith's favored tree.
I've never been more thankful for Madame's gardening hobby than I've been at this moment. It's working hard in supporting my weight, as I use it to keep me steady. Anytime something grand is happening in this household, it usually revolves around the garden. If trees could speak…
The scent of flowers and herbs helps calm one down.
In any case… I have never been more thankful for Zenith's gardening hobby than I am at this time.
'Remember Lilia, the secret ingredient is love.'
Madame's words ring clear..
"Indeed it is…"
"Lilia… you good?"
"Yes… no… maybe… Rudeus…"
I turn to him, and look at his figure. Sitting cross legged before me, he is looking at me with a boyish-no, a playful smile as he waits for me.
That really is a mature smile he has, should have noticed.
I really am thankful for everything he said. As he tore down the veil that was between us. That distance, that divided, it's no longer there. Despite the fact that I knew him the best, there was always a sense of incongruity that I got from him at times. Something along the lines that didn't quite fit together.
I suppose in my heart of hearts I always knew there was a limit to maturity, a child could have.
We've gotten closer over the years, intimately so, infinitely so, so I thought I knew everything there was to know about him. Turns out that was an impossibility as there was a huge piece of Rudeus' past. A past beyond this mortal plane it seems, that I did not, could not, know about. It is enlightening. It is…
The words leave me.
I could have lived a hundred lifetimes, and never figured it out.
It feels like I am looking at him, truly looking at him for the very first time. There was simply more to Rudeus than what lays on the surface.
But what else is new.
I always reasoned it as one of Rudeus' peculiarities and be done with it. Even if he was eccentric at times. That only adds to his charm. A Rudeus that doesn't make my heart throb wouldn't be my Rudeus. So despite their being a veil between us, I simply accepted Rudy for who he is.
I did not realize how much I was missing.
As soon as the veil came off, a wave of relief flowed through me, that I didn't know I needed. Rudeus lays before me.
I am now truly looking at him.
That devilish smile. Those bright knowledgeable eyes. That confident demeanor, that borders on arrogant, and that… nervous look as he waits for my answer.
"You're a spirit."
"Uh…" he scratches at his chin, as he tilts his head off to the side. "I don't think that's quite accurate. I mean, I died, but I don't really consider myself some sort of ethereal being. I don't remember floating off into the ether, or anything like that. Also, I'd like to think that souls don't normally travel through worlds. And no, in case you were thinking of asking, I'm not possessing this body, or anything like that, so don't get any ideas. So, yeah… just me…"
I wasn't thinking anything of the sort, but now that he mentioned it…
"...can you-"
"No, I can't possess bodies."
"...I wasn't going to ask that." I lied.
"Riiiight~"
I peeked at him. Crawling my way towards him I reach out, tentatively, a small amount of fear in me, as if he might just blow away if I pressed him as I place my hand upon his chest. It's solid. Not ethereal at all…
Simply flesh… and blood.
Touching him warms my heart. It's the same as always. The same warmth. The same heartbeat. If a little fast paces, but clearly the same one I've had my hand upon.
Contentious existence aside, he's a living breathing human just like me. He's still my Rudy.
"You truly are just you."
He raises an eyebrow.
"...I'm going to take that as a compliment."
"As well you should. However, if part of you is aware that it isn't a compliment, then I wonder what that says about Rudy's own perception of himself."
"Argh- can I refuse to comment on that? I think Lilia's view of me is better than anything I could come up with," he scratches the back of his head as he looks off to the side.
"Indeed. That is a possibility."
A smile pops on Rudeus' face during this time. It appears he was trying to set me at ease.
That's right…
No matter what Rudeus will always be Rudeus.
It's impossible for there to be another him,
"Yeah," he continued. "One day I simply was, and then I wasn't, when I opened my eyes I was here. There is no one else. Just me, and… everything that entails." He looks over to me. "More than you expected?"
"That's one way of wording things. I don't know what I was expecting, but you are… a maelstrom." I look to the sky as I contemplate this whole situation. "I fell in love with a ghost."
Sounds like the novel of one of my romance stories.
"Again, not dead. Can you please stop that? It makes me feel like you're cursing me."
"Indeed, and we wouldn't want that… or would we." I give him a sharp glare.
"Ah… you have a scary look in your eye."
"It's fine. I love you. This doesn't change anything. That being said," I positioned myself to look Rudy closely in the eye. "I do have some things I want to get off my chest. Oh spirit of the storm; Rudeus Greyrat."
"...You sound angry…"
"Not angry. Merely… annoyed."
This is the boy I fell for. The boy I've known for years. The boy I devoted myself to. The boy who I was willing to throw away all rhyme and reason. The boy that drove me to the brink of sanity, and… he wasn't a boy.
He was a man.
"Why didn't you tell me?!" Besides my best wishes it came out as a scream.
Rudeus, flinches as if struck as I yell from right next to him.
"I'm happy you told me. I was missing something key to knowing you. The missing piece of the puzzle, that is Rudeus. It finally makes sense," I put a hand upon my chest.e
Crawling my way to him I look into his emerald eyes, getting lost in them, before I prepare to dive into his soul head first.
"Do you have any idea how much I have struggled?! How much I battled with myself?! How I set my soul ablaze? How I longed for you?! How I tortured myself for feeling this way?! How I hated MYSELF!" I grabbed onto Rudeus' shoulders, as I steadied myself and loomed over him, as I looked at his still sitting form. "Night after night, I would go to sleep longing for you. I was so happy, yet so terrified. I was willing to do anything and everything to get rid of this feeling." I drop my head resting it on his shoulder. "You woke up feelings within me. Something I thought impossible. The things I've done. The… people… I've been with, I would think it impossible. My heart has never beaten rapidly. Not in love at least… but in fear, and when you showed before me, and started waking something within me, something no one has ever done. I was scared… so scared. I wanted to be rid of it. I… I even had an affair…" In my shame, my words peeter off until it's barely a breath upon my lips. "It didn't work. All it did was make it clear that my longing couldn't be denied… if you had told me. Just talked to me… we could have been… I could have been… I don't know…"
My soul is still not satisfied. Looking up at him I wrap my hands around him, before pushing us down, and laying on the floor, my lips against his ear.
"Why couldn't you have told me?" I whisper. I don't know what face to make. It's hard to look him in the eye. As if I am the child I hug his neck tightly as I nuzzle against him.
"You drove me mad again and again. If you had… If you had just told me this all from the very beginning, we could have… I could have. I don't know. We could have been better."
"No, we couldn't," he cuts in.
His voice echoed in my ear. Feeling as if I were struck, I pushed off the ground to look at him…
Only to see a wistful smile upon his face.
"You wouldn't have believed me. You only say that because you know me as I am. Could you…" he looks at me with a slightly pained look, "could you really have believed me if I had told you this years ago?"
"Eh?"
What kind of question is that?
"Of course I would have! I trust you with my very being!" As if to declare it to the whole world I sit up straight, and place a hand upon my chest as If to declare it to the world.
"Right now," with the space opened up between us, he moves to a sitting position, "but that wasn't always the case was it?"
"I-that's not… I…"
I can not find it in myself to refute him.
He isn't wrong.
Matters of the heart, and matters of the mind don't always coincide. I might be able to see things differently now. As I'm looking at him not just with my own eyes, but with the eyes within my own heart as well.
If he had told me all this before taking my heart I would have…
Never seen him. Not truly.
The tale he told was simply too absurd. Coming from another world. A world where queens and kings don't exist. A world where magic is seens as a fairy tale. A world where monsters don't exist, and life is overall peaceful that one can actually die from overeating and sloth. It all sounds so ludicrous.
Such a world could only exist in fiction.
But I can easily believe it when it comes from Rudeus' mouth. But… I can only believe it, because of what we went through.
If he had told such a tale beforehand…
My hands fell to the side.
Defeated. I hate it… but he's right.
As I'm feeling low, I felt a warmth upon my cheek, as Rudeus' hand is placed upon it. Looking before me I see Rudy looking at me with a sad smile, stroking my face with his thumb.
"...cheater… why are you so… you."
"Can't help it. It's what my lover likes," he sports a happier smile upon his face. "And I like being like this with her as well."
…playboy…
It's only with the present Rudy, that I can be like this.
I've trusted in Rudeus for years now, but… the amount of trust needed to believe one little truth, and a tale of that nature was simply too vast. If he had told me all this during our merriment period, during the peak of my confusion, before Paul, when I was happy, but confused. When everything was heart throbbing, but… chaotic; it would have been chaos.
I'd have assumed he was lying.
That he was trying to make himself sound more mature in an effort to swoon me.
It wouldn't have been anything bad. I would have thought it cute. But that in itself would have been a problem. I would have found it cute. The actions of a cute boy in his youth.
Any goodwill he had earned with me would have been lost, and I would have been unable to see him as the man he's shown to be.
I didn't fall for the boy that would lie to me, but the man that cherishes me.
One little slip, and it could have all gone horribly wrong.
We might have never happened.
Such a thought terrifies me.
A world without Rudeus.
I hate it.
"I hate you," I muttered, placing a hand upon the hand cusping my cheek, holding it fondly upon my face.
"I know you mean love," he leans in and rests his forehead on mine, simply resting it.
A boy could have never done this with me.
Pushing gently away from each other, we look upon each other, and see that both of us are at ease in the reflection of the other.
A young man and a grown woman flirting in a garden.
"Honestly," I sighed. "I never stood a chance did I?"
"To be fair, neither of us did." He puts a finger to his lip as he looks up. "I wonder… does that mean extreme compatibility or extreme incompatibility."
"Compatible."
I stated.
If we weren't compatible I wouldn't have hesitated for so long.
"Heh~ well, I'm not going to disagree with such sentiment." He says with a wide grin on his face.
I want to tease him.
"We could have at least cuddled back then you know?" I confessed. "As a boy I would have let you get away with that much."
"Truly? Damn, talk about missed opportunities," he shrugs his shoulders. "I'll just have to make it up to you in the present."
"Don't get ahead of yourself," I say, a smile on my face. "That said, my door is always open." I immediately contradict myself.
I have no excuse.
He just brings it out of me, and… it's really easy to get trapped in Rudy's pace. As well as addicting.
"I see your point Rudeus. Truly, it's only with you, that we can both be ourselves, but… you could have still told me earlier… couldn't you? Perhaps I'm being selfish, but I felt we could have come to a compromise earlier."
"Oh?" He leaned back, a curious look on his face. "When out of curiosity?"
"The night of the play," I answered quickly.
If it was then. If he had told me-no, if he had appeared before me, right after that play I would have kissed me, throwing away all rhyme or reason; I'd kiss him on the spot, audience or not. If he had gotten off the stage, and joined us, rather than leaving madame and I to our own devices… I would have definitely kissed him.
It would have invited its own troubles as Zeny was present, but I feel Zeny would have forgiven me, if it was just that night.
Or not…
It's hard to say, but anywhere around that time frame still works.
It was thanks to that night where I threw caution to the wind and followed my heart. I've been happier since.
Being able to be more unbridled and true to myself as time went on. More and more, I would be happier. In love. And when I thought I couldn't be happier anymore… he would surprise me, and deeper into the chasm of love I would go.
Madness?
Perhaps, but I came to terms with that as well.
I am madly in love with him after all.
"Play huh?" Rudy stands up, arching his back as he throws his hands out in the air, stretching, before making his way back to the tree, stroking the trunk, with a warm look upon his face. "I don't think so. As tempting as that would be, that night was all about you, and her. I couldn't get in the middle of that." He speaks as if he's talking to the tree, rather than talking to me. Turning to face me I see a melancholic look upon his face as he leans against it, his eyes closed. "Even if you were ready back then, I wasn't. Don't know if you know this Lilia, but… you kind of tore my heart asunder. I was a bit of a mess. You hurt me in a way I didn't think possible. I wasn't ready."
I flinch.
"T-thats…" I struggle to defend myself. I can't.
It's not inaccurate.
"I'm not blaming you," he throws a palm up interrupting me. "That part of my life has come and gone. For several months after, I did blame you, was angry with you, but… as time went on… and I had to get over it with the babies on the horizon. I was able to look at you, at us, objectively, and see what I brought about. Thanks to Zenith, Aisha, and Norn, I had to self-reflect, and realize my actions. I was selfish… and pushed things too far too fast, because… well, I'm beating a dead horse. The point being is I screwed up… and everything that followed was simply my bad karma." Putting a hand on his chest he shows a distant look as his eyes look through me. "The person I am now has been molded by you. By pain and pleasure, and Zenith as well… but mostly by my own mistakes. I acted like a wild child, and rushed things." He looks shamefully to the side. "I could not respond to you properly."
"...but… you did," I take a step towards him. "And I'm glad." I take another step towards him. "If you hadn't I might not have noticed you," meekly my voice comes out, as I take another step towards him, a small gap between us.
Indeed, he drove me mad, but… in that madness I found him. I wouldn't change it for the world.
I'll keep those words locked in my heart.
"True… but still..." With a mocking smile he looks up at the sky, lost in thought. "Lilia…The thing is… early on, I only had two modes. Reckless abandonment, and overly cautious. A compromise simply wasn't in the cards back then." He gives me one of his charming smiles. "Lilia, you are… amazing. I really can't understate that, but at the time that only puts me on guard."
"I…"
I don't know what to say. So I don't. Rudeus looks so… fragile right now, it feels like he could just be whisked away, and disappear into ether.
"In my past life, my relationships were superficial at best. An, 'I think this person is cute, l want to date them.' kind of relationship. It was fine, but," he shakes his head. "It most certainly wasn't anything like what we've created here. Lilia," he reaches out holding my hand. "This thing I have with you is the most real thing I've ever had, and… it terrified me. It excited me. It made my heart skip a beat, but… I needed to be sure. So, like the child I was, I rushed in with reckless abandon, and when it started getting serious… I was so careful so as not to break it. I don't think I explained properly how mad I was when I first came here, but everything was so… 'surreal' for me. I didn't believe any of this was real for a moment, or rather even when I did, when I thought I've come to terms with reality. I didn't feel it." he rubs the back of my hand with his thumb. "Then I started falling for you, and my worldview started changing.I couldn't believe my luck. I started thinking; 'it wouldn't be so bad to indulge in this a little longer.' Truth or fiction, I wanted to find out. I needed to. I needed to be sure of its credibility. To be true. I wanted to be real with you. As real as I could be. Treat you as a real person, not a character that I read in a book… per say…" he looks away from me for a moment and to the horizon in the distance, clearly lost in thought. "But as a person that lives and breathes with me. I wanted to trust you. To cherish you. To look at you for who you are, and not for who you might have been or could have been. I… I needed to know you, and… I just keep wanting to know you." He squeezes my hand tighter than he ever has. "I needed to know this was real."
"Rudeus…"
I don't know what to say.
But if his tall tale was incredulous for me… then it could only have been something unbelievable for him.
If I had died, and woke up in a foreign land; I-
Actually that's not the same. If I could restart, I would, once upon a time. If I could redo things from the beginning, I would be a little more selfish, and fight for a happy ending. Like… the one that is escaping my grasp right now.
I walk next to him, our bodies in contact, our breath upon the other, as I look into those beautiful emerald eyes of his. "Rudeus… am I not real?"
"..."
There is silence between us.
And for a moment I was scared, but… only a moment.
He disposed of my worries, with his next words.
"There is nothing more real in this world than love."
His words hang over me.
If I could do it all over again… I wouldn't, because my life is just beginning. I am but at the beginning of my tale, where he was at the end of his.
"I'm glad."
Our hands ascertained each other's existence, still holding onto each other.
"Made you worry?"
"A little."
"Yeah… sorry, but being intense is kind of part of my being. With nothing holding me back, and an uncast future before me, I want to move ahead without regrets, and say as much, while saying is still a possibility."
"Indeed…"
Without regrets…
Rudeus is still going away, and it'll be three years until I see him again.
And I am… feeling solely inadequate. Rudeus just exposed himself to me. Showing me his love, his fear, and his insecurities, and yet… I've yet to show him mine.
I truly am spoiled.
There has to be a limit to self indulgence, and I should rectify that, as It'll be three years before I can do so If I miss this chance.
In order to be someone worthy of Rudeus' feelings, of Rudeus' words, I have to meet his feelings accordingly. It's time I met him.
"I'm sorry."
"Lily?"
"You've been so open with me, and yet… I've held my own insecurities close to my chest. If I am ever to be a woman worthy of being by your side, then I should live by my word and meet you halfway. You've been taking the initiative. It's my turn. Beyond everything, beyond love. I have to… speak as well. I…"
The words get stuck in my throat, but I have to get them out. If I continue indulging in Rudeus kindness. I'll grow into 'nothing' as well.
"I cheated on you."
"Yeah… we kind of-"
"No! I will talk, and master will listen! I… I cheated on you, and… and I never apologized. I apologized to Zenith, but not to you who's in the middle of it all. Not properly at least. I said I was sorry, before Rudeus knew what I was talking about. I reasoned it away as confusion, and Rudeus reasoned it away with me, saying we weren't in a relationship; as if it was something to be expected! But no! I… confusion or not, betrayed you, because I am simply no good. And I… and I… still love Rudy the most! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know I'm not making sense, but that's kind of my being. I don't make sense at times, and… if Rudeus is to expose his everything, shame included, then I, as a maid, as his woman, can only respond in kind. I didn't apologize, because I had resigned myself to my fate. I was prepared for you to hate me. I was prepared for you to fall for someone, and I would even help you, redeeming myself in some way, or so I deluded myself, and ensured your happiness, but yet… I fell for you again. Again and again I fell for you, and like you… I keep falling for you. Rudy…" There are tears in my eyes, I can not control, and I have no idea where they come from.
My heart and soul are ablaze. My beat is erratic. And my … shame is there for Rudy to see.
His lips open, and I know he's getting ready to ease my worried heart.
"DON'T YOU DARE!" I yell.
Causing a flabbergasted Rudy to sit down quietly, and peer at me expressionless.
If this was a happier moment, I'd be happy that I caused Rudy to be speechless.
"Hah… hah… I'm sorry. I lost my… temper, but I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at myself. I… I want Rudeus to be aware of the type of woman I am. I am selfish at my core. I wanted you before I had any right to want you, and kept wanting you. I'm a hypocrite as well. Where I apologized to Zenith for what I've done behind her back, behind her back I'm kissing her son, and wanting more. Again, even if I know I shouldn't. Even if you were a man corporeally of twenty four, as long as you'd be 'her,' son, it would still be a betrayal. I shouldn't reach. Yet I do. Because to not to, hurts more. I'm greedy. I just… want everything. I'm simply a maid, yet I wanted to be more. I'm…" I hang my head in shame, afraid to see what type of face he's making. "I'm not a good woman, Rudeus. I resigned myself to my fate… yet I yearn for you."
I steady myself, putting a hand to my chest, as it's racing faster than it has in a very… very long time. Love, and fear, interwoven, my heart's a mess.
But what else is new.
"I… I said my middle ground is where Rudy is… it always will be, but… I just wanted you to know me as well. For if you are to show me yourself, it's only right I should show you myself in turn. If I couldn't… I'd have no right to wait for you, and… if you decide you want something else in the future… I completely understand. Regardless, I will always love you… always."
Ah… I said it all…
The truth is, even after saying all this, part of me still wants Rudy to sweep me into his arms, and say he's staying, but my better side wins out on this occasion. If only marginally.
My heart feels lighter.
Looking off the ground, and into his jade-like eyes. I see Rudeus, steadfast face, break into a wistful smile.
"You've been holding onto that for quite a while haven't you?"
"I can say the same for Rudeus."
"..."
Unknowing how to continue, I stay quiet for a moment, before meeting his gaze.
He looks up, then down, then closes his eyes inhaling a good amount of air, before opening them resolutely, and exhaling.
"Lilia…"
"Yes…"
"I accept your apology."
And then I collapsed.
Falling to my knees, feeling like my soul has just returned to me, I breathed in a much needed breath I didn't know I needed.
"You good Lily?"
"I… I am," I looked at him, "simply… lighter," I look back at him looking no loss for wear. "Aren't you too nonchalant about this?"
"I thought it was obvious that I forgave you."
"I suppose… but I still needed to say it."
"Of that I understand. How you feel now?" He asked.
"Like my soul just returned to me."
"I do have that effect on people."
"Yes you do."
"...that was a quick response…"
"It was easy to respond to."
"Ha ha, yeah it is." His hand stretches out for me. "Care to rest under the shade?"
Taking his hand, I silently let him drag me up, and guide me next to him, enjoying a much needed reprieve, resting alongside him.
"...If I knew you'd be so accepting I would have said my feelings long ago," I broke the silence.
"No you wouldn't."
"You can't know that."
"But I can," he says unwavering. "Lilia… everythings all about timing. If anything was just a little bit off, we could have missed each other entirely. We're but two arrows that clashed mid-air."
"...I don't know if I can accept that…"
"Do as you will, we're together at least, but… it's only through everything, that we can rest in the shade. If our trajectories were just a little bit off… it would have been someone else under this tree." A sour look sprouts upon his face. "That someone would have been the luckiest bastard that ever lived, but hopefully he would have given you some sample of happiness. At least…" he groans off to the side.
"Rudeus…" I said his name, my tone heavy in disapproval.
"Yeah, I know…" he waves it off, "but I can't help it. All this talking about the past puts my mind in a dark place."
"Yes. Yes it does."
Enough was enough. I pounced on him. Gathering my bearings, I sat up, and moved over him. Straddling him.
"Lilia?"
"Rudeus Greyrat…"
"That is my name…"
"Shut up."
"..."
I'm going to set it right.
Resuming from where we left off, before he shattered my world, I laid one on him. Kissing him, that is, and laying my claim.
After a moment's bliss I push off him, resting my hands on the base of the tree and looking into those verdant gems upon his head.
"Rudeus Greyrat, you are the man I love, and that is something I hope gets through your thick skull already. I'm yours, and only yours. No one could have ever taken your place."
The thought of it all… it's abhorrent to me. The idea of any man touching me now… it unsettles me.
It's the tallest tale I've heard. And I've heard many today.
"You don't think enough of yourself. You are the man that treated me for me. You're the one that cared for me, cured me, took care of me, and helped me create something, of myself, for myself, and for us, a family with yo-" I halted myself, immediately, almost biting my tongue.
As a desire even I wasn't aware of threatening to escape my lips.
There's a time and a place, and the timing… isn't quite right.
"Ahem," coughing into my fist, I ignore my beating heart, and power on. " A family here has been my greatest life pleasure. It's only with you… and Zenith, that I was able to learn that. What it means to love, be loved, and show love. There is no man that could have made me happy. I refuse to believe it. Because… any men I meet from here on out, would only remind me of you. Any man I met until now, has only been a placeholder for you. I am your Lilia, and only yours."
He looks at me with wide open eyes, before blinking, and a blush appears on him.
"...it's embarrassing to hear such things with such fervor so closely," he grumbled, a blush appearing on his face. Despite his best attempt to appear collected. "How long are you going to hold me?" He tilts his neck to the side.
I'm still wrapped around him.
"Forever."
"Ha ha…" he chuckled.
"Although, I'll settle for this afternoon."
"Heh~ well, I can handle that."
"I would expect nothing less of my master. Honestly," I recompose myself, adjusting my glasses. "What happened to the dauntless young man that stripped me at the river?"
"Oh… that, I… uh-"
"The man that got under my robe, and kissed my belly."
"...that was…"
"...the one that copped a feel when he massaged me…"
"...you noticed?"
"You weren't tactful."
My face feels warm.
So embarrassing. I'm only blushing because he's blushing.
"Even I'll get angry if someone talks about the man I love like that."
"'Man I love…'" He tests the words upon his lips, as he tips his chin, as if considering the terminology. "I kinda like it," he says with a flirtatious smile.
"...spirit…"
"...tease…"
Knowing where things would lead if I let them-
And God do I want to let them-but…
I don't want to lose myself to my lust… not at this moment.
Moving out of his hold, I move one leg over the other, as I settle for sitting next to his side.
No, I did not flip my skirt a little more to tease him along the way, and no, I did not take any joy in Rudeus' disappointed face as I got off him.
I most certainly did.
"...is there something on my face, Rudeus?" I played off my 'play.'
"...just my desires…"
I raised an eyebrow.
"Delusions… I meant to say delusions." He said impassively, not at all trying to sound credible.
"You are quite coquettish, young master. Are you sure you were a… what you called yourself? Bedridden loser? It sounds quite outlandish Rudy. You truly weren't like this in your past life?"
"Ha ha ha!" Rudeus throws his head back, hitting the tree. "Ow… god no." He rubs the back of his head. "If I was, I wouldn't have messed up as much as I did. Sorry, Lilia, but what you see is what you get. No prince charming… just me," he says in a weak voice.
I moved my lips next to his ear, before whispering gently upon it. "That's the best part."
His body shivers, as he looks upon me with a predatory look upon me once again.
"...you sure aren't making this easy…" he grumbled, his chest rising up and down as he settled himself.
Three years… just a few more years…
"I would hope so…" I nuzzled myself against his neck, teasing… if only a little. "Letting you go is quite difficult for me. Consider this your punishment for talking so badly about yourself, and thinking absurd thoughts."
The feeling of his heartbeat upon my hand. The scent of him tickling my nose. And the warmth of his kindness.
This is my last little indulgence for a while.
Detaching myself from him, I recompose myself to important matters.
"Rudy, I fell for you, strengths, and faults. From the man that takes care of Aisha and Norn. To the man that lacks tack and takes a peek at me while I clean." I move my hand, from his nape, down his arms, and to his hand, locking it down; intertwining our fingers. "I'm not looking for a prince Rudeus, simply something just like this," I whispered, showing him our hands.
"...Lilia… you a princess?"
"HMmm!" I pouted.
This man…
"Just kidding~ Well, only a little bit, but thanks," bringing my locked hand to his lips, he kissed them. "I needed this more than I thought."
"That's what I'm here for," my face is flushed, but I try my best to stay composed. "I am your maid."
"Don't you mean just yours?" A demure smile graces his lips, as he places caressed my thigh.
"You're too much…" looking to the side, I said in a whisper, before turning back to look at him, ignoring his flirting. "You're still leaving regardless, aren't you?"
With that; the fire in his eyes dies down, and his smile wavers.
"Yeah…"
"I see," I rested my chin against his neck, and like a child, I let myself be comforted. "When exactly," I muttered looking at the horizon. "With all the talking about the past, you never did give me details. How long until you leave? How long until I see you?"
"I'm just waiting on a letter by this point. Should be any moment, I'll let you know when it comes. As for my return…" he taps his chin in thought, "I'd say around the eve of my tenth birthday. Preferably several weeks before then, but it's hard to tell what life will throw at me. I have a gift for falling in the most absurd of circumstances."
Indeed.
"But, if everything goes as planned, at least mostly. I should be able to see you a few weeks before my tenth birthday. I'll send a letter beforehand."
"...It sounds like you've been planning this for quite a while…"
"Kind of," he sits down, pulling me along gently to the spot next to him. "Rather than planning, It's more accurate to say; I've been preparing for the inevitable. I've known what I needed to do for quite a while. I just got distracted with," he rested his head on my arm, "life's pleasantries. It's very easy."
"Yes… yes it is."
"..."
"..."
Losing track of time, we lost ourselves for a moment.
"Not goodbye…" I repeated his own words. "Simply so long."
"Indeed," he mimics. "Time flies faster than it has any right being. I'll be seeing you soon."
"I hope so. Three years…"
It's hard to believe, but it's been seven years since we've been here. Three years since he started flirting with me. Two years since I actually entertained him. And one year since I fell for him.
…huh? Now that I think about it… at this rate, if he were to stay here one more year, wouldn't we…
I peek at him from the corner of my eye.
His hair is dazzling in the twilight. His eyes shine brightly, dazzling in the light. His body is deceptively strong, with muscles beneath the fabric. Pure white skin without blemish, and lacking in baby fat.
All the tail tale signs of a young man entering his youth.
No matter how you look at him… he doesn't look like a boy.
He probably hasn't been one for quite a while.
Since when have my eyes been closed?
His look is steady, yet cool. The air about him is wild, yet composed. An open collar exposing his nape, and chest, showing his free-spirited nature to the world. All and all; an embodiment of contradictions, yet inviting…
He really looks more mature than he has any right looking.
"Lilia?" He caught me looking.
"N-nothing, nothing a-at all. Ah," I redirected his attention. "T-this life of ours sure has been crazy hasn't it. Not even in my wildest stories, would I dream that a spirit from beyond the stars would appear before me."
"Still not a spirit."
"Still," I inisited. "If only we could have been honest from the beginning we could have done this more. If you had pushed me down during our date. I'm sure something would have risen from it."
"…was that a pun?" he questioned.
"Pardon?"
"Nothing, stupid pun, but yeah," his hand circles around my waist into a half embrace, "that does sound nice. A pleasant dream."
Getting to his feet, he adjusts his hold, and moves around me, to sit comfortably behind me, his arms wrapping around me. My body between his legs.
"Mch…"
And then a pleasant feeling is felt on my neck as something wet… and… familiar graces my neck.
"I thought… hahh… we weren't doing that…" I say between breaths as Rudeus' lips grace my neck.
"We were… then you admitted to liking this. Mmh… mch… mch…" he kisses me along my neck… gently. "Now it's your turn for a little…" his lips moved along my collarbone, tracing its way up my ear, before whispering. "Stimulation~"
"But… dinner…" I protested weakly.
"That still gives us a couple hours. Consider yourself…" his lips move to my neck, "on the menu." His lips started exploring my neck, working his way up, and down my neck lines, laying a trail before him. "I'm simply marking my territory."
"A mom-EENNmmhh!" My hands reached out impetuously, yanking at his hair in shock as a jolt of pain… pleasure shoots through me. "Hah… hah… Rude-Rudeus… did you… did you just bite me?"
"More of a nibble. And yes. It was… appetizing."
"Rudeus…"
The things you do to me I… I'm going to.
Once again he holds my body tightly as he's spooning me from behind.
"Careful what you wish for…" he whispers.
He's a boy… he's a man… he's a boy… he's… driving me crazy.
"Rudeus I-"
"No."
He stops.
"Eh?"
"Done. That was your punishment." His voice graces my ear. "Consider this my punishment to you for all your… devilish wiles." The hand around my waist wraps tight around me as I'm me tightly against him. His breath starts reaching my ear again, as I can feel him getting ready to whisper to me once more.
"You fucking tease."
I am no such-
…maybe a little…
Briskly I turn to face him once more, for my defense, and-
"Mmh!"
Have my lips stolen once more.
…I think I created a monster…
His hands upon me. One keeping me at place by my waist, and the other at the side of my face as he marks me.
It's just like back then…
A memory from long ago, creeps to mind. A simpler time… a foolish time, when everything was hard to see through, and we had not shown our true selves to the other. A man and a woman playing house.
I was on the edge of kissing him.
On our first date… on our only date. Hidden from everyone talking, and frolicking peacefully, having a drink or two, mostly I. Rudeus latched onto me at the tail end of it, and grabbed me from behind, holding me in place, and making me his. While his other hand went to my face, played with my hair, and parted my lips, ready to seal them.
I wanted to.
I really wanted to.
So very, very badly.
But I didn't.
'Rudeus… don't.'
Those were the words I said on that day.
I wasn't ready for him.
I couldn't look beyond the surface. I couldn't see him. He was but a fractured reflection of his true self, and I was looking through foggy glasses. Neither one of us knew what love is. Back then, that was not love; that was desire.
If we kept going down that avenue perhaps we could have found love, perhaps not, but I don't think we would have found ourselves. It was a gamble.
Rudeus was right… per usual… the timing simply wasn't right.
We could not see.
Now… we do.
Back then, or right now. I never stood a chance.
If he had kissed me then, I would have lost all rhyme and reason.
It is my utter defeat.
…why did I ever think this person was a child?
I don't care anymore. Tease, punishment, stimulation or tribulation he may do with me as he pleases.
Not quite a spirit, yet he possesses me easily.
Millis help me...
"Hahh.. hah…"
We separate. With me looking up at him.
In our ecstasy, I did not notice that I had fallen, and had been kissing him from the comfort of his lap. Gently I reach up at him, and touch the side of his face gently.
"Rudeus… don't stop."
I love him.
///
クリエイターの想い 
Crownedclown
Crownedclown Fucking Finally! I have no idea what your guys perception of me is as an author-well, except for the most vocal of the haters, but whatevs, anyways! I have been struggling, but finally brought something out.
The funny thing is... this wasn't the chapter planned, I was writting another chapter, in the middle of my writter's block, and as I kept writting, reordering, and deleting, this flashback, as this was originally suppossed to be, started getting very serious very quick, and I realized, it's to big to be anything, but it's own chapter.
SOOOO... good news I have a chapter. Bad news; have to rework the next chapter. And great news; I now have a gameplan to the end of the series.
...annoying news... In the gameplan I realized their are TWO more heavy scenes.
Heavy scenes; require alot of attention to do them justice. But we're getting there.
Anyways,
I normally have a strict don't post the day you finish rule so as a writter you can come to it tomorrow, and make corrections you might have missed, or a detail or two... but... I WANT TO POST SOMETHING...
It was exhausting...
In any case; I will probably still come back to this chapter and edit it, as I still like that rule, so consider this the RAW version and enjoy.
Oh, Lastly, please give me your opinion, but I always go through a list of titles, with my editor(roomate) before posting... he's not here; so take a look at this list, and tell me if you prefer one of these titles, or the one I went with works best. Might change depending popular opinion:
Maelstrom of Love and Madness. Mad Love. Let's talk. Treatorus waters of love. I'm Sorry, I love You. In the middle lies... Equivalent Exchange. All About Timing. Second Chance of Cupid. Long Lost Love. Beyond Love And Death.
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