章 235: Prologue: Kushida Kikyou's Monologue
Do people really live according to their own ideals? I do. I've grown accustomed to living as my ideal self.
Ever since I could remember, I understood that I was blessed with good looks compared to other girls. I was better at memorizing than most people, so I excelled at academics. I was also good at sports and confident when it came to socializing.
Not only am I nimble with my fingers, but I'm also quick-witted enough to adapt to any unexpected situation.
Then, am I a perfect person?
If you were to ask me this, my answer would be 'no'. In this world, there are girls far more beautiful than me, people smarter than me, and many more who are better at sports than me. Of course, something like this is only natural.
However, I think there are things people absolutely don't want to lose at.
Whether it's looks, academics, video games, or singing.
When you lose to someone in your area of expertise, anyone would begin to feel frustrated.
For me, as someone completely above average, this led to the development of a huge inferiority complex.
I'm the type of person whose feelings would be greatly shaken whenever I lost to someone close to me. Every time I lost, darkness would grow in my heart. Sometimes I would throw up due to the intense stress.
Reality is cruel like that. I know I'm not ordinary, but I'm also definitely not a genius.
Everything was good when I was younger. Everyone would pamper me for accomplishing even the simplest of tasks.
They would praise me as a genius, a child prodigy. It felt good. My heart would pound with excitement.
I was the best at whatever I did in class. I was the hero of the class, it's idol.
After I got to middle school, I started meeting people who were superior to me in each field.
These were people that I had no chance of beating. This reality weighed heavily on my heart.
So I searched for a way out. To escape from this suffering.
I wanted to find a field where I wouldn't lose to anyone. I wanted people's respect. I wanted people's envy. However, I wouldn't be able to match up with others in academics or sports.
As such, the answer that I arrived at was─── I would get people to 'trust' me more than anyone else.
I would regain the feeling of superiority by being more popular than anyone else.
I would extend my hand to boys so disgusting that just seeing them would feel unpleasant, and to girls so irritatingly ugly it would make your stomach turn. I would repress my emotions, put on a fake smile, and spread a false kindness.
So I became popular. Classmates, senpais, kouhais, teachers, parents, and even strangers I met while walking the halls.
I became someone who was liked by everyone, and in this, I couldn't lose to anyone.
The day I realized that, I was truly happy.
I came to understand something else on that same day. Trust is similar to exquisite sake, it is developed with time and delicate care.
And hidden behind this trust, lies an existence called 'secrets'.
When somebody truly trusts someone else from the bottom of their heart, they disclose the secrets they keep inside them.
I knew the secret crush of the most popular boy in class, as well as the unexpected troubles of the smartest person in class. From the most serious secrets to the most trivial ones, I took control of them all. I collected information. Every time I made a new friend and was able to listen to someone's worries, my heart would pound with excitement once again.
I trembled with delight every time I learned someone else's secrets, things as important to them as their very own lives.
I was the most trusted person around. Keeping it this way became what gave my life meaning.
But there was something I didn't notice at the time.
That trust can only be gained from living a life plastered with lies.
I spent every day living with an enormous amount of stress in my heart.
And then... that incident happened. Everything changed. I couldn't stop myself───
But that can't be helped.
After all, everyone rejected me.
It can't be helped.
Because they hurt me, they can't complain even if I hurt them in return.
If you're attacked, you attack back.
Isn't it obvious?
But because of that, the 'ideal me' that everyone once saw was broken.
Everyone's respect and envy disappeared, replaced by fear and hatred.
I didn't want it to turn out this way.
I only wanted one thing.
To be trusted by everyone.
To gain that 'feeling of superiority' once again.
That's why I swore I'd never repeat my mistakes.
That's why I'm so excited about starting my new high school life.
That's why this time, I must succeed.
That's why I'm so determined.
But still...
Still, still, still...
The entrance ceremony, which was supposed to be the first step towards my new life, turned into my worst nightmare instead.
I reunited with Horikita Suzune on the bus to school.
She's the one person who knows about "the incident" at this school.
As long as she's still here, I will never know true peace.
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