章 14: 14

My heart is beating fast inside of me, the whole of my body is shaking. Next time I hold a rope I should swing from the chandelier. But I wasn't fast enough. And I am not sure of a next time.

Where are my holier than Jesus parents? Why can't they just save me this one time. The chandelier stares at me, it's gaze steady and accusing. I stare back, I know I should have. But it's too late now. it keeps staring though, its gaze steady and calm in my face that I know whenever I will think of this I will see a chandelier glaring at me and smell sweat.

And I can't find the voice to scream.

I cannot make myself do anything. I just lie here, like a lamb for sacrifice, sweating and tears flowing down my temples. My hands are on the bed, held down even they are not moving. My dress is around my waist, a wreath of fabric that scratches around me desperately. Down there, he is fucking.

Why did I use that vile word? I am not one to use such words. But I had never been raped before either. Not by the same man I went to abortion clinics with. Not with the same man whose back my parents have more than mine.

And I know I cannot fight, I cannot resist. I deserve this. For aborting those babies, for robing this temple of the magic of creation.

He is sweating, grunting and holding my hands too tight. He must have not noticed that I stopped fighting a long time ago. He can take what he wants. I have only so much to give. When he is done hovering on top of me, he pulls out slowly, wears his pants and leaves the room.

I turn my whole body to the side, I have never ached like this. I have never felt empty like this. The curtain flutters, revealing the night outside, dark and silent. Like my long lost soul.

Empty like I am feeling.

Abandoned like I am. The night and I are one. We are united by what we lack-life. What moves in us are the dead and forbidden. What we can do is hide in darkness, in this silence that streches on forever lazily. i too, have learned to bire my tongue and swallow my words, like the night.

I fear my own voice.

I pull myself up and sit by my bed. Then slowly I stand up. My dress which he had hiked up high tumbles to the floor in soft whispers. I watch the pool of fabric around my feet with adoration. If only I could be like that-so fluid, so smooth.

I touch the hem of the dress, lightly so as not to touch my skin. This body is dirty and not worth of adoration even from me. He has made it clear. I am only a vessel. Down there is where I belong as I have been told all my life. Only now do I realise that. He has shown me. I slowly pull it up and off it goes. I do my best to avoid contact with my skin.

I feel filthy, covered in layers of dirt and grim.

Into the bin the dress goes.

And into the bathroom this vessel goes. I fill the tub, then sink into it. The razor is closeby, I pick it up. And sink it into my skin.

*******

The sun rises. Yes rise it does. I am so sure of this because I see it. First it is an orange hue by the horizon and lighter and lighter it gets, until the blinding ball of light comes up. It chases away the silent night and with it comes the buzz of life. I stare into it, hard. Daring it to blind me.

I cannot bear to see it's beauty and the beauty of the rest of the world when I myself possess no beauty at all. I have been sitting here all night, in this very same position, staring at the same spot, waiting for the sun to come out. Now it has.

It is another day. The world is still working, life is still there, despite what was taken from me. Despite how numb and frozen I feel the rest of the world is still moving.

I keep staring.

*********

When the door opens Tsitsi is standing at the other side, with a huge smile plastered on her face. It is official. The world didnt die with me. I died last night and it kept on living. And some things have even gotten better. Like Tsitsi, she looks happy. Her eyes are sparkling and one glance on the studio setup I see she has been painting. So things have actually changed for the better?

"I am sorry about freaking out the other day. Why weren't you picking my calls? I calles like a thousand times. I wanted to say this is the most thoughtful present anyone has ever gotten me and I..., "she stops when she realizes I am back to moving like a robot. Stiff and determined. I am headed to my room. "Look, I get it that you are mad about what I did but you don't have to be mad like for fucking forever okay?, "I stop and stare at her. I want to tell her this is not about her.

Not all things are about her.

But I don't trust myself not to breakdown and confess if I open my mouth. She will drag me to the police. Who will they believe, me or the good pastor?

Even my parents won't believe me, especially not my mother.

So I just open my door and walk into my room with her trailing behind me. She is talking but I am not listening anymore. I zone out her voice as I concentrate on this dull ache in my chest.

Her voice echoes in the room, poking my already tender hard. I take out the ironing board and all of my clothes and dump them on the floor. Tsitsi is gaping at me but I dont pay her any attention. I need to keep moving if I am going to keep this in.

I will get over it. I just need to get through today.

I put one ironed dress on the board and start ironing it.

"Qhawe, those clothes are ironed!," Tsitsi yells at me. I stop and look at her. There is panic and fear in her eyes. I am scaring her? Wow. How good that feels. I grab her by the hand and lead her towards the door. She tried to resist but I push her outside and lock my door.

There's a smell of something burning. My dress. I pick up the iron, there is a huge hole on the dress, it's hem a melting brown. I stare at it. i sure loved this dress but all is vanity so I start ironing it again.

There are angry knocks on my door. I keep ironing and ironing.

All I see is white and blue, white and blue. It is getting on my nerves, so i open the window and throw out all white dresses. I turn back to start uroning again but there is nothing anymore. I dont have anymore dresses to iron.

I sink to the floor and only now do I let it come out. Only now do I let the foodgates free. I open my mouth. And scream.

There is something blinding about pain at the same time there is something awakening about it. I can feel the whole world weighing down at me but at the same time I feel like i should get up and start writing or telling my story. Whatever I can master.

I should definitely tell it to someone. But not to Tsitso or Masimba will wake up dead tomorrow. And not to Tanaka either he would wake up without his balls tomorrow. She is here on the pretense of bringing me my assignment but i know she is worried about me. I haven't been to school all week. Tsitsi's mother has been here twice. Tsitsi is very worroed because she can tell this has nothing to do with her.

And i haven't said a word since.

I think Tsitsi has an idea that whatever that has me like this has something to do with ny parents why she never bothered to call them.

"I want to have green braids too," a voice, thin and distant says. But I can tell by the way Tanaka's eyes widen that it came from me.

And yes, i want to have green braids. And I want to go back to that gay club tonight. Those are the things I want. I feel another presence in my room. It is obviously Tsitsi. And it's obvious that she heard.

"We will take you to the saloon tomorrow," Tanaka says, her voice uncertain it almost sounds like a question. I know she just took the chance to get me out of my room. I smile.

"Of course," I tell her. She is shocked. Tht much i can tell but i wasn't going to hole up in here forever.

"You'll love it,I promise, " Tsitsi comes to the bed and sits by my side. The worry seems to be seeping out of her eyes. "And I am sorry for flying off the handle about the studio. It was such a beautiful gesture and I love it,"she leans in to drop a kiss on my lips, Tanaka rolls her eyes.

I know they want to know what happened last weekend but I am never telling that to anyone. I still feel numb and sad and dirty, but i have to keep going like the sun,the moon and everything else.

"I will be in the kitchen, eat everything while you two suck face," Tanaka announces, standing up and leaving. We both watch her go. And when the door shuts behind her Tsitsi turns to me.

"Whatever it is we will get through it. Just don't shut me out. Please,"she is serious. And even though I cannot tell her what happened because I don't want her to think differently of me, i will do my best not to shut her out.

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