章 11: 11
Tsitsi is watching me.
I can feel her eyes, hot, grazing the surface of skin. I can feel them probing even deeper, begging, pleading asking. The pleas clog my chest, filling them up till I slightly open my mouth to breathe more easily. I cannot help the hint of anger that threatens to unfurl inside me. How can she pile obligations on me like that? With no warning. Something about this feels unjust.
I dont know what to make of this new realisation that she and Summer were once an item. It is not like she has confessed to it.
I just know.
How weird is that.
And what am I to her anyway.
Girlfriend? It isn't like we have to put a name on it. But I want it so. I want it defined, I want this to have a name, to have some sort of title. I will at least know if I have the right to entertain feelings like jealousy and insecurity in our relationship.
And who doesn't know things start existing when they are named? Maybe Tsitsi doesn't.
God, I hate this.
"You're sure?," Tsitsi asks, demanding my attention from Summer.
What did I say? I don't remember really. Oh, I just blurted out that I want to get out of here. Yes, I want out of here. Before Summer notices us. I am about to slide off my chair when two gay men approach us.
Now what's this?
"Girrrllls! Want some company," one of them, in a fishnet shirt asks. It isnt like he actually asks, there is something to his tone that tells me that a rebuff or even politely declining is not welcome.
He occupies the stool next to mine, making t clear if we don’t want any company we will have to find somewhere else to sit. Tsitsi doesn't respond, pointedly leaving the power to decide to me. I smile, my version of a smile at least.
"Sure," I say, despite myself.
It is, officially, shot o'clock.
*******
A few shots later, me having taken more than everyone else because I keep losing at whatever game we are playing, I find myself laughing recklessly to KT and his boyfriend's jokes. Both of them are a vibe, a little on the extra side since they insist on being in every picture of me Tsitsi takes but I would love having them as friends. There is no room for me to sulk at my girlfriend with these two here so I pretend like everything is okay.
And everything is okay, to some extent.
Until Summer sashays towards us. I am suddenly self aware, like this newfound knowledge has changed how I should behave around Summer. I feel like I have something to prove now, something to measure up to. But she is still sunny as always. She beams at us, and I am sure I can see the sun rising in here. Well, some girls are blessed.
Nomatter what I can never have a good personality like hers. I am too sad and have lost a lot to be able to feel like she does.
And Tsitsi is leaving that for me?
What is happening to me?
"You guys drove here?," Summer asks when she has finished greeting us. She glances at me in a way that tells me that she can tell that I am not as happy as I am expected to be, or as I am letting on.
"Yeah, and I am still sober," Tsitsi says in a bored voice.
"Tari and I need a ride," Summer says, her eyes going to the aforementioned Tari , her face glowing with adoration.
Does Tsitsi look at me like that?
Do I look at her like that?
Maybe I am like... straight straight and I am just making up things in my head.
I hate my thoughts these days. All I think of is her. Thank heavens I didn't know her for a whole decade at least. Because I know that even if she gets out of my life she is going to leave a mark. A scar to be precise.
"Well, we can drop you off by the campus," Tsitsi says, sliding off her stool and offering her hand to help me. I feel like slapping it away but I don’t manage to act on my thoughts. I let her take it, which turns out to be a good idea because the floor has turned into a sea and I am swaying a little.
"Can I have your number sis," I was already forgetting about the buoyant KT. I don't hesitate to give him my number and he kisses us all before we leave. My head is swimming and I stagger a little as we leave the bar but Tsitsi, of course is there to make sure my face and the floor do not connect.
Tari is...okay.
It's too early to decide if I like her or not, but she at least gives me assurance that Summer and Tsitsi are history and that counts for something.
I don’t know how she gets the chance but as we take our time to settle in the car, Tari manages to ask me if I am a stem, femme or stud. I don't know what to say so I say I am bi and she suddenly starts looking at me like 'how did you survive childhood with such a disease'
I don't like her.
But may she stay in Summer's life.
The ride back home is hazy, I keep slipping in and out of sleep. I only realize we have arrived when Tsitsi helps me out of the car and into the building.
In our apartment she helps me into my room. She helps me out of my clothes since I cannot stand still. When I am left with only my panties she helps me into bed. I think I need her to function in this world.
She doesn't leave straight away and I am glad she doesn't. I need her this close.
"Why did you let me go to a club in 'church clothes'," I mimic her voice on the church clothes part. She chuckles.
"Because I am not here to change you, doll you up or mould you to fit into my world. I am here to love you with your long dresses and all,"she says, her hand carressing my brow.
" Cheeessssyyyyy,"I giggle. Even in my drunken state it is foreign to me to giggle like that. She chuckles. "How is that going for you? Loving me?," I ask after some time. I am very sleepy. But I don't want to leave Tsitsi, not even to go to the dreamland.
"Great," is all she says. She is not one to run out of words but she has. Makes me feel extra special. I feel her lips on my forehead then just as I dose off to sleep I hear her say "I love you, Qhawe,". I must have imagined that.
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