章 30: Arc 2, Chapter 8: Take The Pain Away

Jotou rushed with the door left ajar, "Hotaru! Are you okay!? What's going on!?" her eyes couldn't blink

Little drops of tears stuck under Hotaru's eyes; she held the finger with eyes shut tight. The bones of the finger should certainly not be in such a position…

"Shh, shh, shh! Quiet, quiet, please, stop," she hushed back to Jotou, becoming panicked herself. The blonde grabbed Hotaru's arm, while the redhead stared back, riddled with guilt.

Hotaru inhaled and exhaled—her tail went back down and her ears relaxed bit by bit, "Heal," the bone twisted back into place as she pulled it; as good as new.

She moaned in pain whilst Jotou narrowed her eyes to the sight. "Please, don't tell anyone; please close the door… I forgot to lock it," Hotaru's gaze fell to her sheets.

Jotou breathed and took a step back from the bed. Many things were unpacked in the room, in the process of being arranged. On her nightstand, Jotou spotted a knife…

"Isn't that one of the kitchen knives we bought? What are you doing?" Jotou didn't scold but… 'I think I know what's going on…' She could assume.

Hotaru couldn't look Jotou in the eye whilst she massaged her own wrists, "Please close the door on your way out; forget you saw anything," the redhead's voice wobbled.

"Hotaru…" Jotou glanced at her. "You know I can't just forget what I saw…" she sat at her bedside and grabbed Hotaru by the hands. With a wince, she reluctantly released each finger into the blonde's grasp, one by one.

Hotaru still did not face her, her ears folded down. "I'm sorry you had to see that, but I'm fine, just-" she stuttered, saying 'just' over and over again unable to form a sentence.

The curtains were closed, one light in the hallway between the rooms was turned on. "The other two are busy. Hopefully they didn't hear me, but they should be heading to bed soon," Jotou spoke softly.

Jotou leaned forward, trying to make eye contact with Hotaru who was beginning to cry, heavily breathing in a panic, "Can we please talk about it now?" Jotou requested.

The tap in the kitchen ran, filling up the glass. The lights were off, but the curtains were open to let some moonlight in. Hotaru sat on the sofa, staring into the floor while a blanket covered her from the neck down.

Jotou brought the glass of water to the woman sitting with her legs crossed on the couch. Hotaru's fingers reached out, holding still for a moment before gaining the confidence to grab the water from her.

Jotou took a seat beside her whilst the redhead sipped from the cup—still averting her eyes.

'What do I do…? I have no clue what to do… I don't know what she needs to hear, but I can't just leave her like this; and I don't want her to continue to hurt herself…'

"Do you do things like that often?" Jotou softly broke the silence.

Hotaru gulped, the water in the glass rippled, "I haven't done it in a while… five weeks, three days to be exact…"

Jotou was quiet; the room filled in with nothing but cricket chirps and the two breathing. "You know you can talk to me; whatever's on your mind.

Whenever you're comfortable and whenever you're ready," Jotou placed a hand on Hotaru's shoulder, "I'll, stay up all night if I have to."

Hotaru for the first time, glanced to Jotou; her brilliant blue eyes looked like ponds of rippling tears. Hotaru silently fell into Jotou's touch, "I…" she started.

"I do it because it makes me feel, better… Like the pain is more than every other pain; the pains I can't heal with a spell. I can heal them so easily and the pain gives me a moment of …vulnerability.

I'm, not an idiot… I know what I'm doing and I know it's wrong. But whenever I cry, when I feel that pain and wake up the next day, it feels like I left those scars behind."

'Seems like it's just adding up and being pushed back… I shouldn't tell her that.' Jotou refrained from speaking.

"After everything today… I just couldn't take it. My head still hurts, I feel like my throat is still slit and I'm so, angry," Hotaru gritted her teeth, trying not to alarm the other two by being loud.

She folded her arms, trying to comfort herself, "My spells are failing Jotou… My mind isn't clear. But the times my spells do work—no matter what—is when I'm in pain or in danger.

Maybe it's an instinct, because I know my spells are at their peak when I'm calm and kind. What you saw in my dreams, my nightmares; they're not all false," she sniffled.

"When I was a kid, I was being picked on for being a part-human," Hotaru then shook her head, "A wolf-girl. No matter how many times I change the name, it doesn't make the truth a lie.

My dad took me away from Luxinor. Why Kria, I don't know. Maybe his reputation was so bad he had to come to the City of New Beginnings. But it's the same story here…

There aren't a lot of part-humans in Kria; they're rare, endangered even. Kria maybe the beginning, but it's the last in progress.

My dad succumbed to alcohol while I was busy being thrown stones at in school. The adults did nothing about it either; in fact, even now they call me an abomination.

But I had the same rights; no different than anyone else. Though the laws exist, the people upholding it are becoming scarcer by the day," Hotaru turned to Jotou, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"That's why I became a lawyer. No one would ever dare to mistreat me again; but what did it matter if people simply didn't want you as their lawyer? Because of who you are?

I had to take care of the deadbeat that I called a father; pay his bills, bail him out. He didn't give a single damn thought of how it affected me.

Then there's this guilt… I left him… I did… What kind of person am I to just abandon her father? Is it bad that I left him to make my own life? It still haunts me," she shivered.

Jotou held Hotaru's hand steady, bringing the glass of water higher for her to take a sip. Jotou wrapped the blanket tighter around her.

"An adventurer is someone who visits foreign lands; meets people from all walks of life… Their feats go down in history books for eternal glory and respect.

It was when I was kid that I got obsessed. It didn't matter what they looked like; it didn't matter the scars on them or how they spoke. People saw them with respect.

I wanted to feel that. To explore the world and see the wonders, never to be judged for who I was again. My anger only grew every day I was rejected from joining.

That didn't stop me. I kept practicing my spells, learned that different emotions and different thoughts make the spells themselves different.

When you've mastered a spell, it no longer mattered what you felt. You would be so proficient it would be child's play no matter what you thought.

I learned higher spells, stronger ones without even mastering the intermediates… Using my emotions as a crutch.

Then finally, you came like a shining beacon of hope. I was there. I was finally an adventurer like how I always dreamt. I was so single-minded that I didn't notice the nightmares that came behind it.

Then today was just," her lips quivered and her ears coddled her own head as her tail swept to the front of her where she hugged it like a pillow, "I was so, stupid," her voice was breaking.

"I yelled at kids having fun on the street. I scolded my father, got mad at Asobi; she doesn't know how the world works and I asked her to grow up… How could I do that?

She lost the person she knew her entire life and I scolded her like she was being irrational. My mind was not in the best of places and you were right; we should've taken a break before visiting the mayor.

Maybe I could've done something to get a better outcome than what we got, but I was too adamant about shutting Fumeko up and trying to be respectful.

I'm not one to not voice my opinion, but I choked. What kind of adventurer am I? What kind of a friend am I? It all piled up, one after the other and I just wanted it to be quiet!" her voice was hushed, but she still exclaimed.

"And you put yourself in danger because of me," her voice cracked, "I've never had anyone do something like that for me. And I've never felt more like a burden when I saw you bleeding out," Hotaru sobbed, unable to contain it any longer.

Jotou's fingers went across Hotaru's cheek, pushing it to face Jotou. Rubbing away the tears, the blonde took back the glass of water and set it on the table, "Listen to me," Jotou steadied Hotaru's head.

Jotou sifted through her blonde hair for the flower that Hotaru had placed above her ear, now lost within the silk-like locks. She felt the petals and she brought it to her front to view; now she recognized the bright white petals completely.

"You're not a burden. You're the most coordinated person I know. This party would be useless without you, I know that. And that's what being a party is."

Jotou's gulped, choosing her words carefully, "We look out for one another, right? We all have problems; we all have things haunting us, we all make mistakes.

But that doesn't mean you need to be the perfect one to guide us all out. You're a person too; you're an adventurer. It's okay to cry, it's okay to let it all out.

There's nothing to gain by hurting yourself. You're no longer alone. You have me; you've saved my life plenty of times by just being you.

Wolf-girl, part-human, beautiful redhead, it doesn't matter. It's who you want to be that counts. Please, tell me anything that bothers you.

I don't want you to hurt yourself. You need to vent and it might come as a surprise, but I like listening to you. I give you a hundred percent approval rating," Jotou gave a soft smile, pushing the flower into Hotaru's hair.

Hotaru sniffled again… staring at Jotou in the pitch-black room, "I… won't hurt myself," a smile across her drenched cheeks, "I like talking to you too," she muttered. "Thanks for being here."

"Of course." Their eyelids grew heavier by the second.

Hotaru opened up the blanket, throwing it over Jotou's shoulder, "Can you please hold me?" Hotaru asked in a sob and pushed her head towards Jotou's shoulder—the tears now beginning to stop flowing.

Jotou put an arm around her and shifted closer to Hotaru to get under the blanket to wrap themselves on the sofa. Hotaru rested on Jotou's shoulder, arms still wrapped tightly around her own tail.

Jotou sighed as her weariness hit her all at once. Her head descended on top of Hotaru's; her crimson ears folded down in response. What was left were crickets chirping through the night, the sound of the two breathing—in peace.