章 17: (The Way He Resist)
Calum woke up early, as if he had actually fallen asleep the night before. He was outside the house, having just arrived after a trip from headquarters and a stop at some stores along the way. He was very good at disguising himself, entering stores without anyone realizing he was wanted. However, buying something in the store had cost him his dignity and made him use up all of his remaining selflessness. Whatever it was, it was indeed very embarrassing for him. He got out of his black car and opened the trunk to retrieve the paper bags. At that moment, something infiltrated his mind. He put his hands on the lower, middle edge of the car's trunk as he stared straight into nothing. The electricity hadn't returned until this morning. He smiled, thinking that time hadn't wasted itself in making fun of him.
The devils were having a good time turning him stupid and miserable, making it impossible for him to even handle a single woman in his life. He blamed the existence of all the devils for his life's disastrous failures. He was distinguishing how far his ridiculousness had flourished over the past few days. It all started when he got that beautiful woman out of the van. It was clearly none of his business to be concerned about her, as his only mission at the time was to save Crow.
Apparently, he couldn't turn back time, and he had nothing left to do but regret it. If he hadn't taken her and had stayed the hell out, maybe everything in his life would still be the same. Maybe he wouldn't look like this, a disappointed hypocrite who had betrayed himself. The undisputed, constant change in his behaviors and characters was evident in his thoughts. Truly, Mariana had done something to him, and it hadn't had any positive effects on his discrete outlook on life. Her presence in his chaotic life didn't compliment well. They shouldn't be together; there was no chance they could fit into each other's worlds. They were different in so many ways, and it was distinctly unfair for him. She was a submissive woman living her perfect life that everyone might covet, and she had a fiancé whom she deserved and whom Calum believed was so much better than him. He didn't have any right to actually think he could be worthy of her heart. He was nothing compared to her; she was so many levels above him. She didn't deserve a man like him, a pointless man who lived his life with hostilities, hatred, and miseries because of his unfortunate past. It was terribly mortifying for him to know that Mariana had a bright future ahead of her, and surely he didn't. She could have a family without worrying about her safety every day, something Calum couldn't. Though she was safe when she was with him, the sad reality was that he was the one she needed to avoid because he caused all the dangers and that she was better off without him. That's why, even if he was in love with her, he forcibly tried to not accept it. Although it was evident in a lot of ways. Considering the importance of his rule to not always think about her, he grabbed the things out of his car's trunk. He was just about to forget why the hell he opened it. After closing the trunk while struggling to hold the paper bags in his hands, he strolled to get inside the house. He didn't anticipate seeing her right there; his assumption had just failed once yesterday. He directly went to the kitchen, and right there, he saw her carefully washing the dishes. His assumption failed again, another failure for him.
"That's great."
"God!"
Mariana nearly let go of the plate in her hand; he scared the hell out of her. She hadn't noticed him because she was so focused on the dishes, as if she was planning to become a professional or she was just thinking about something deeply. Calum closely smiled because of her response.
"God, why did you do that? You startled me so bad. I almost fainted."
Continuing what she was doing, she inserted that statement.
"Only if I knew you're that easy to startle."
He could barely hold his smile, and it happened. Unluckily, she never saw it. He put the paper bags on the table and sat in the kitchen wooden chair, resting his back. His unwavering gaze stayed on her, standing casually washing the dishes. Mariana did her very best to remain unbothered, knowing that he was right there behind her, assuredly looking at her and observing what she was doing.
"I'm starting to think you did it on purpose."
"Maybe I did."
He firmly said without any sign of transgression towards her.
"It was actually not a thing to be proud of, it's much nicer if you said you didn't."
"I did it on purpose. Just realized it."
He automatically responded. Her smile resulted in a slight giggle that became music to Calum's ears.
"You're really planning to kill me. But in a distinct kind of strategy. Well, you had a very good brain, Mr. Bryant."
Her soft voice caused him to smirk, even though he was a little annoyed hearing her say his last name with the "Mister" on it. She was wearing his black hoodie jacket that looked so massive on her. He thought that maybe she had used up all of his t-shirts and wearing his hoodies was her next target. And by the way, she looked cute, and that's all that mattered. He couldn't hold his eyes from rolling down to her legs. Her smooth, perfect legs made him insanely teased. Calum wanted to curse himself, for he couldn't take his eyes off of them. He needed to remind himself that he needed to lessen his attraction to her and stop doing any moves to be closer to her. It was so necessary for him to avoid her at all costs. He wouldn't be kissing her again; there's no way that would happen this morning. At least that was what he assumed.
After a minute, Mariana finished washing the dishes. She turned around and caught him looking down at her legs, and quickly he changed the direction of his sight, pretending to be looking for nothing. She just stood in front of the sink, inspecting Calum's face. He was wearing a navy blue t-shirt, black jeans, and black rubber shoes. After about 15 seconds of turning his sight around the kitchen, he parked it on her. Her innocent eyes and face were driving him crazy; he wanted to choke himself to death just to stop admiring her. To break the connection of their sights, he stood and opened one of the paper bags on the table. He paused for a while when he discovered what was inside the paper bag. It's a bunch of canned foods, and he had never been so disappointed in his life opening a bag full of cans. The cabinet where the cans were supposed to be placed was right behind Mariana. His patience and chances were testing him. Instead of standing right there like a fool, he grabbed some cans and walked towards her. Mariana's eyes slowly widened as he appeared closer to her. She ceased her exhalation when he stopped so close in front of her. She bent her waist and took a grip of her hands on the edge of the sink. She could smell his addictive scent, and she couldn't get enough of it. His chest almost touched her face as he opened the cabinet above her and arranged the cans inside.
When he had finished doing it, he never walked away to escape their closeness. Damn. He was planning to betray himself again. Their eyes rapidly connected; Mariana didn't move. She wanted to, but she couldn't. Her entire body became magnetized to him. She stared into his brown eyes; his naturally curled eyelashes made it more unavoidable. His parted lips, so close to hers, made her die with the desire to place them on hers. They both breathed constantly calmed. His eyes were flaming with desire and a strong feeling of devotion.
"You look beautiful."
He whispered underneath his breath. She wanted to tear herself into pieces after hearing it. Her soul closely departed from her body while her heart ought to volunteer to stop beating so fast. That was just a short statement, but he got her so well. Calum was out of his mind right now; he was lured to touch her. He wanted to be away from her, but his body refused. Instead, he slowly raised his right hand and caressed her rosy cheek. She felt the warmth of his palm that landed on her face. They were both intensely looking into each other's eyes that they nearly forgot to blink. Their hearts were beating in an obstreperous way.
They knew it; they certainly knew that they were in love, and no matter what they did and how many times they tried to avoid it from unveiling, the chances didn't get tired of making a way to divulge it. Full of leisure, Calum touched his lips to hers. They both closed their eyes, and once again, they fulfilled their unfavorable eagerness. Mariana held his right hand and kissed him back just like the way he kissed her. They parted their lips, and their noses touched while their eyes remained closed. Calum was confused about how she made him this weak; he couldn't fight to stop himself from doing these foolish things that consistently demolished his strong principles. He despised himself for being this dumb to acquire this type of circumstance in his messed up life. He was so stupid satisfying himself with her touch. He hadn't felt at home like this before; every time they became close, he felt restful, and his doubts disappeared. He felt valued and loved, something he never realized he felt before. Having her close to him made him less miserable and less outcast. He pressed his lips against her moistened lips again, and he placed his left hand on her thigh. Mariana was surprised about that. They broke their kiss and opened their eyes. She breathed heavily, feeling the heat of his palm on her thigh. She was astounded, but she had no idea to let him not do it. Calum understood her very well; he felt her wide curiosity and confusion. He wanted to own her, and her eyes were telling him she agreed with it. He should be happy about it, but he was not. He was hoping for her to oppose him or push him away and convince him this was wrong. He needed her to demystify that this was all wrong. Calum was persecuting himself by forcing himself to resist her. He used his remaining strength to let go of her, and it took him a lot of courage to do that. That could count as one of the hardest decisions he had ever made in his entire life. The intoxicating feeling of losing and giving up your long-awaited dream was exactly the same as what Calum felt after letting her go. Mariana just let him go too, but so much of that baffling query formed in her mind. They were still looking at each other, asking and answering those silent questions their minds asked. Calum could barely look at her; he was afraid he would hold her again, and he was sure at that time that he wouldn't let her go. He never wanted that to happen. He turned around and left Mariana looking at him. He walked away without opening his mouth to say a word, the same as Mariana. She stuck to where she stood and watched him vanish from her sight. Both of them felt the same things: love, denial, guilt, and resistance. Calum was severely hurting himself, like committing suicide just to resist her. He walked out of the house without his presence of mind, feeling like he was just floating in the air like a ghost. He got inside his car and slapped both hands on the steering wheel as if he aimed to destroy it.
"God damnit!"
He closed his eyes and rested his head on the car seat. He covered both hands with his face. Resisting her gave him huge, unmanageable frustration. He slapped his hands on the steering wheel once again; he needed to let his resentment out, or it would make him drown and lose his mind.
***
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