章 10: Shadows Of My Past
Have you heard from my dad? I asked her. I want to see my elder sister Harriet am sure she didn't sleep last night knowing i left the house and without telling her what really happened I added. The fact is since before this year, I made up my mind not to try to explain myself nor expect anyone to understand me actually i don't even have any reason to because the more I try to explain myself the more am being misunderstood. I know I made mistakes and I also try to change to a better version of me everyday but unfortunately whenever it comes to me staying out late, sleeping early or keeping to myself? Means I've gone out to do drugs or something bad.
I find myself in a situation where my past is always the conversation or rather a topic of discussion even if my present action have nothing to do with my past. I am being judged by my own mother, rather than looking at a better version of me i always get insulted and less concern about what I'm going through or if am actually guilty of what she's thinking.
I don't care what she sees or think of me anymore,it hurts so much,but I've learned to let go of the pain and just keep being myself and do what is best or feel is right for me. I know who i am i know what i want,where i am going and i won't let what people say about my past stop me from achieving my goal in life. People ask me when you are face with danger do you ever think you might die? The answer is yes" countless times. Life is full of sudden disasters, frustration and challenges one following the other. If you don't want to give in , your only choice is to resist, when we struggle for life till we take our last breath, that breath is courage itself.
I totally love the fact that I can finally hear her rob my past on my face and still smile and remind myself of how far I've gone and that i know myself better than anyone else and am responsible for whatever decision I make. No matter how hard you try to explain yourself to someone they always believe and see what they want to so it's pointless explaining further.
We all have an unsuspended reserve of strength inside that emerges when life puts us to test. I was different from a very young age. A part of me already knew that there was more to life than what was being passed on to me. Which is why I always felt the need to step out of the line and explore more of what life could offer. In doing so I took on tests and lessons that most people avoid.
The healing and growth I've endure send a ripple effect through my past and into my future. Be proud of the obstacles you took on, you and your life are better because of it. Life has knocked me down a few times,it has shown me things i never wanted to see. I have experienced sadness and failure. But one thing for sure, i always get up.
There comes a time when silence is betrayal. But the truth is a mother,will always be a mother, protecting her children and always forcing them to do right and be the best because even when they are wrong they are right cause they feel they know better what is best for you,and you have to respect their wish till you get off their roof.
I love my mum and I always will but one thing I can not do is try express my feelings, I'll just listen, take corrections when am wrong and keep mute when am being judged or misunderstood. I pray to God to keep her safe for me so she can see that not all the things she sees or hear are real and would get to understand me some day.
I just want to be happy, even when am supposed to be sad cause only God alone knows my plans, prayers,sees my heart, wishes, changes,and who am becoming and i am grateful for the gift of life for i am blessed to be alive and to be loved.
When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up. What will be will be. Untill the Lord wills it, you can't move beyond where he wants you to be, some days all we need is someone who looks at us and understand our unsaid words..
Today am having a different feeling, reminding myself of the things i wished for and the things i have achieved. I've found myself in a space full of broken mirrors, picking up the pieces and getting hurt yet not giving up in my dreams, believe, patience and sacrifice. I will keep moving through this trials till i can have a full picture/image of myself from the broken mirror, until then am still finding myself.
I am loving this new life force energy i am creating. I've built myself up quite nicely. I know my strength and i'm also aware of what needs a little more work. I've become this precise architect of my life with a great sense of independence, and you also understand that other people in your life play a pivotal role. Your backdrop is reminding you that there is always peace to be returned upon. You can create your dreams and you can be still all at once. Steerer the sails but know that the wind will take you where you need to go regardless..
I'm entering a phase where unsolicited motivation will begin guiding me. I'm going to want to do more, express more, expand more, attain more, attract more, and be more. This is a chapter of my life that sets the tone for all the ones that follows. Meet that motivation with the things that inspires you, think of the people you love. Think of all the vacation and moments of peace that you want to experience remember the dream, that's why you took this path. It's all still very much here for you. Let's get it.
"Maya expressing her thoughts in a journal".
Maya's inner Strength.
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