章 44: Answers
Khan had a lot of time for himself inside his new habitation. He didn't bother to study the insides of the building due to his poor mood, but its style resembled his dormitory, so finding a flat wasn't an issue.
The building didn't even have soldiers patrolling its corridors, so Khan had only needed to find an empty flat before sitting on a bed and starting his usual training.
The other recruits didn't arrive anytime soon. Khan could focus on the mental training for his element. He had just completed the seventh exercise, so he had to repeat it without emotions to clear the eighth.
Khan studied a relatively large lump of mana inside his brain as he tried to think about many small hands meant to modify it. However, the process was far slower than usual since a faint azure barrier was isolating his target.
Every even mental exercise required him to repeat the previous lesson without using emotions. The process forced him to create a barrier made of thoughts and mana that isolated every feeling.
Only emotionless thoughts could affect the mana inside the barrier, but Khan's control over them was lacking. He was basically using less than half of his mind in the exercise, which inevitably slowed down the entire procedure.
Khan found it even harder to approach the exercise that morning. His barrier continued to open whenever he tried to manipulate the mana. Images of his battle against Citlalli appeared in his vision when the emotions invaded his thoughts. He saw himself jumping on the alien's chest and feeling nothing but coldness.
That interruption happened a few times before Khan gave up on his mental training. He would get nowhere until he fixed his mindset, but proper answers still struggled to arrive.
Part of him still belonged to a sixteen years old boy who wanted to live a normal life. Yet, there was a mature man who had become used to experiencing true desperation on the other side.
Boy-Khan wasn't ready to take a life. He only wanted to bathe in the wonders of mana and explore the universe. His desires were quite childish, but they were also appropriate for his age.
Instead, man-Khan went through the nightmare of the Second Impact every night. He had grown used to the sight of charred and maimed corpses. His life in the Slums had also forced him to develop a faint paranoia toward his peers.
Khan tried to sort his thoughts and find a middle ground between those two sides, but the quest appeared impossible. Moreover, his personality was naturally shifting toward man-Khan as his training and age advanced.
'Will I turn into a cold murderer?' Khan wondered while recalling Lieutenant Dyester's words. 'Do I already have that tendency?'
The aspect that made Khan hesitate the most was his lack of regret toward that trend. He could understand the negative features connected to a cold and uncaring personality, but everything seemed justified in front of his desperation.
Khan remained on his bed while his mind went through those chaotic thoughts. He didn't bother to meditate, and even his appetite struggled to arrive. Lunchtime had already passed, but he didn't feel like standing up and understanding how to find food in that alien training camp.
A familiar figure then walked past his flat. Khan only managed to catch a faint glimpse of familiar dark hair before a face decided to peek inside his flat.
"You are here," Martha exclaimed when she noticed Khan on the bed.
Khan inspected his friend. Martha was still pale even after many hours had passed since the teleport, but she could stand easily, at least. Also, excitement filled her face due to her first trip on an alien planet.
"What happened to you?" Martha asked when she noticed that Khan's mood was quite poor.
Martha didn't even hesitate to enter the flat and sit on Khan's bed. She felt comfortable around him, and the duo had never tried to move their relationship past friendship anyway.
"I fought against one of the Ef'i," Khan revealed while staring at the wall in front of him.
"And?" Martha asked as her eyes widened in surprise.
"And I beat him, hard," Khan continued.
"That's great!" Martha shouted. "You have already established a good foundation for your future connections on Onia. The Ef'i will continue to respect you for years!"
Martha almost couldn't believe that Khan had fought an Ef'i while she was recovering from the teleport, but she felt truly happy for her friend. After all, she knew how that feat could improve his path to become an ambassador in the future.
"I was ready to kill him, Martha," Khan added while keeping his voice down. "I think something inside me is broken."
Other recruits began to walk through the corridor connected to Khan's room. Many of them inevitably noticed the scene, and faint laughs escaped from their mouths when they saw the two sitting on the same bed.
Chatters resounded through the corridor. The special class would definitely keep that gossip alive for many months, but Khan and Martha barely noticed their noise.
Martha slowly realized that Khan was going through a difficult moment, and helplessness filled her mind when she understood that her words wouldn't do much in that situation.
She knew something that Khan had failed to realize during his days in the training camp. Man-Khan already had the mindset of an experienced soldier who had served on the frontlines, but that couldn't suit a boy.
"You are ahead of us," Martha eventually sighed and caught Khan's attention.
"We will all learn how to gain your mindset," Martha continued when Khan fixed his eyes on her. "That usually happens during our first real battle, or when we take a life for the first time. However, all of us will inevitably reach your point."
Khan didn't answer. He continued to listen to Martha and review her words. There was truth in her lines, even if they seemed to carry a great sadness.
"Recruits always tend to forget that the Global Army is teaching us how to kill," Martha scoffed. "The known universe might be at peace, but we remain soldiers. Take Lieutenant Dyester, for example. The next crisis might be behind the corner, and we might end up in the middle of it."
"Should I just look at the positive side then?" Khan asked.
"I think you should find the path that doesn't make you regret things," Martha replied while putting her back on the wall and staring at the other side of the flat. "You have years to find your answers. We won't start to search for them until the traumatic event actually happens."
Khan continued to look at Martha's face before her words finally managed to seep inside his mind. He then released a meaningless growl while lying on the bed and stretching his legs on Martha's lap.
"Take these dirty things away from me!" Martha snorted while trying to move away Khan's legs, but the latter forced them to remain above her.
"Weren't you comforting me?" Khan began to laugh. "I'm comfortable now."
"Shut up and move!" Martha complained, but she eventually started to laugh too while fighting against Khan's legs.
"Fine!" Martha eventually gave up when she understood that she couldn't get rid of those nimble limbs. "Just for a few minutes!"
"We are lucky the other recruits have already gone past the room," Khan laughed while putting his hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling.
"You are actually enjoying this!" Martha pouted while pinching Khan's arm.
Martha suddenly noticed a red spot of blood when her move forced Khan to retract his arm. The cut caused by Citlalli's tail was still there, but the wound had started to close.
"Why did you worry so much about your intentions when the Ef'i wanted to kill you?" Martha asked as her hand gently touched Khan's forearm and kept it still to inspect the injury.
"It's nothing," Khan exclaimed without retracting his arm any further.
Some warmth spread inside his mind as Martha's fingers circled the edges of the cut. She appeared really concerned about the wound, and Khan couldn't help but stare at her serious face during the process.
"You are quite stunning," Khan eventually said in a plain voice. "How did you even end up taking care of me?"
Martha's blushed and prepared herself to hit Khan, but her hand stopped when she noticed that he was wearing his serious expression.
"Try not to change when the trauma hits you," Khan continued. "I'll help you take care of that matter once it happens, but remain the same. It would be a pity."
Martha continued to remain stunned. Her hand was still on Khan's forearm, and faint tremors ran through it as she kept staring at those azure eyes. Yet, a sudden growl resounded from Khan's abdomen and ruined that romantic scene.
"Shut up, idiot," Martha said in a slightly high-pitched voice before retracting her hand and moving Khan's legs away.
The girl jumped off the bed and neared the entrance of the flat, but she stopped her tracks when she was about to return to the corridor.
"I know I can count on you," Martha whispered before shooting a glance toward Khan and leaving the room.
Khan remained alone inside the flat. Everything had grown colder after Martha had left, and the images of the battle against Citlalli reappeared in his vision. Yet, they didn't seem too grim anymore. Instead, Khan managed to see their positive side.
'I'm strong,' Khan realized in his mind before closing his eyes and going back into his brain.
The eighth exercise was waiting for him, and something told him that it would go far better now.
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