章 3: Chapter 3: Zombie Girl

AT FIRST, WHEN I was really young, I didn't know I was doing anything weird. My parents were proud when their toddler dressed in the dark and ended up with a head-to-toe matching outfit. They bragged to their friends and said I was a genius child. But eventually, when I never bothered to turn on the lights for anything, they began to get weird looks on their faces. I finally noticed that other kids couldn't do those things. And I realized that "seeing in the dark" was making Mom and Dad upset. By the time I entered grade school, I figured it was easier to pretend otherwise. I started flicking on the light switch at night, commenting on the darkness, and keeping a flashlight near my bed. Eventually, Mom and Dad stopped looking at me like I was an alien.

The thing is, I knew I was different even when no one else did. And the more I worked to be like everyone else, the bigger pain-in-the-butt teenager I became, a tidal wave that could only be stopped by something equally cataclysmic, which is exactly what happened.

Now I had come full circle. You know that saying about hindsight being twenty-twenty? Well, it had all become painfully clear last year.

How I wished I could go back and change just one thing, something so simple, something so immaterial, I'd never really miss it. I could easily have lived without going to that party, even though my friends said I'd be toast if I didn't.

But I couldn't live without her. I was trying and failing ...

Last year, the worst day of my life happened. And at the end of it, I was minus a parent.

Strangely enough, the bad dreams had started a week before that, after I had watched some show about famous people researching their family history. It had been fascinating to see how these movie stars came from pretty humble beginnings. I'd started asking Mom and Dad about their families. Unfortunately, they were almost the only ones alive on both sides. Mom's only sister had died when I was a baby. Dad's only brother didn't really keep in touch, and didn't have any kids. My grandparents were gone. I asked about Uncle Ira, but they reminded me that he wasn't blood-related. He was more like a godfather to me, one I saw only occasionally. It was strange to think I was the only one left to carry on the line. I remember thinking, Wow, hope I don't screw up the whole family tree.

The dreams must have been a warning that my life would change forever.

After Mom ... died, the dreams became worse.

Almost a year later, I still couldn't think of her without losing it. I hadn't spoken to Dad about it either. Over and over, he tried to get me to go to a doctor, but there was no way I was going to do that. He thought that if I just talked it out with someone, the nightmares would go away. He said words and feelings were just piling up inside me and found the only outlet they could - my subconscious. Sounded to me like he was the one who needed the shrink. How could talking about my mom make nightmares that had nothing to do with her go away? Yeah. Dad thought he knew what was waking me up at night. But he was so wrong.

My nightmares were like scenes from horror movies played over and over again - something chasing me, people dying, animals attacking, people turning into monsters. Yeah, messed up.

Then finally the nightmares had tapered off. I hadn't had one in at least a month, at least none that had me screaming and waking up Dad. And because of that, he cancelled my appointment. Not that I would have gone, anyway. If word got around school that I was seeing a head doctor, my already pitiful reputation would never recover from "zombie girl" (yeah, I heard what they called me behind my back).

Maybe I was fooling myself that it ever would. Maybe it didn't matter. I thought my life sucked before. But I had learned that things could always get worse, so I should be grateful for my stupid problems.

Didn't mean I couldn't complain, though. But not to my Dad, not anymore. Somehow, I was going to pull it together and turn into the adult my mom and dad had hoped for. Well, I was aiming for that, anyway.

Which brought me back to my room, and the mess in the mirror. I needed sleep. The image of a wolf chowing down on me wasn't getting me any closer to what I needed just now. Time for "old faithful."

I pulled out some scriptures Ruthie, my best friend, gave me. I had a bookmark in Genesis Four. That's where I'd stopped the last time I needed help falling asleep. Yes, I was a scripture-reading teenager. However, my motivation wasn't to get all spiritual - it was to get so bored, I would fall asleep. It was a tip from Ruthie - whose parents were super righteous. Ruthie called the scriptures her insomnia cure - a biblical miracle! Ha! Fortunately, it worked for me, too. I cracked the book open to Genesis Four.

"And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.

And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?

And he said, What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground."

Seriously, this Bible stuff could get pretty creepy. I wondered if I should break out my old children's book of fairy tales instead. Actually, most of them were violent, too. I turned back to Genesis.

"And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand;

When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth."

Wow. But it sounded like Cain deserved it. I wondered what "cursed" meant. I yawned hugely. Almost there.

"And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear.

Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.

And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him."

Questions twirled in my brain, and the Bible slipped from my fingers. This time the dream was not scary. It was sad.

A woman dressed in animal skins ran frantically through a grassy meadow, up to a man's body sprawled awkwardly on the ground. She fell to him, wailing, sobbing. A tall man with long, dark hair, braided down his back ran away across the meadow toward the thick copse of unusual looking trees, which seemed to be dripping, but actually had groups of long spear-like green leaves hanging from each of its long branches. Blue blossoms dangled from the tips of the leaves. Just before the man reached the trees, he cast a satisfied look behind him. The woman raised her tear-streaked gaze up and saw it. Her features pinched as she pointed toward him, her long, elegant arm seeming to pierce him. Fear struck the man's face and he made one final leap into the safety of the trees just as a burst of heat shot past him hitting the blue-belled tree. The woman screamed in anguish toward the purple sky, revenge still burning in her eyes. She pulled the slain man into her lap, whispering, "My love."

I awoke with tears on my face. The first day of school was officially here. Not a great start.

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