章 45: C45
Kirei stood at the entrance of the church, his hair tousled by the sea breeze. He took a deep breath and without a word, turned around and walked back inside. As he made his way through the silent halls, memories of the three years he spent studying under Tokiomi flooded his mind. He couldn't help but reflect on the man's teachings, carefully organizing his thoughts and impressions of the man.
He was well aware of the hardships that Tokiomi had faced throughout his life. However, the man had silently borne them all and used them as fuel to stoke his own pride. Arrogant and proud, Kirei was all too familiar with this type of person. His own father, Risei, shared similar traits. For these men, their purpose in life was defined from birth, and they held this belief with unwavering conviction.
They never wavered, never hesitated. No matter the situation, they gave it their all to achieve their predetermined goals, with clear guidelines and practical, steel-like willpower. This belief is reflected in both Kirei's father's devout faith and Tokiomi's pride as a noble.
The past three years spent studying with Tokiomi had a profound impact on Kirei. However, he had come to the realization that he and Tokiomi were incompatible. It wasn't solely due to the similarities they shared with his father, Risei, but also because they couldn't understand individuals who were lost and struggling without any clear ideals. They were only able to perceive their own ideals.
For individuals such as Tokiomi, who possess a strong "sense of purpose," Kirei's spirit was entirely devoid of it. Despite being in his 20s, Kirei had never been able to comprehend such a purpose throughout his life.
He had never experienced any pursuit that brought him happiness or any form of entertainment that could amuse him. Without such emotions, it was only natural for him to lack a sense of purpose.
Kirei couldn't comprehend why his emotions were so detached from the values of the world. He had never found a goal in any field that was worth pursuing and investing his efforts into. However, despite this, he chose to have faith in "God." He told himself that maybe it was because he was still immature and didn't know what true goodness entailed.
He persisted in his life with the hope that one day he would comprehend the concept of true nobility and be guided by it. He held onto the belief that the voice of a real and divine God would eventually rescue him from his current state of confusion and lack of purpose. This hope was all he had to cling to, like a life-saving straw that kept him afloat in the midst of an uncertain future.
However, deep down, Kirei fully understood that even with God's favor, someone like him couldn't be saved.
Kirei was consumed by anger and despair towards himself, leading him to engage in self-harm. He attempted to rationalize this behavior as a form of asceticism, but in reality, it was a self-destructive coping mechanism. Despite this, his consistent self-punishment had tempered him like steel. By the time he recognized the extent of his own strength, he had become an elite member of the Holy Church, recognized as an "Executor."
Many individuals referred to this as "glory." Kirei's self-denial and commitment to his faith were lauded by others as the pinnacle of a holy profession, and even his father, Risei, was proud of him. However, Kirei was aware that their perception of him was a huge misunderstanding, and he regretted his inability to correct it. He was aware that there may never be an opportunity in his lifetime to rectify this misunderstanding.
Kirei's internal struggle and deeply ingrained personality defects had never been fully understood by anyone, not even the only woman he had ever loved.
"..."
As Kirei's mind drifted towards his late wife, he felt his thoughts start to wander and his pace slacken. He placed a hand on his forehead as if to steady himself against the emotional turmoil. The haze of turmoil was akin to standing at the precipice of an abyss, and he had to resist the impulse to retreat from the edge.
Lost in his thoughts, Kirei found himself back in the basement of the church. The Assassin, who had been waiting for him, approached and began to recount the events of the morning.
Kirei listened attentively as the assassin delivered the morning's report, and then he distilled the information into a clear, concise summary. He transmitted the report to Tokiomi via their secret device and continued to assist him in achieving the Tohsaka family's goals. But despite his dutiful service, Kirei couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness in his heart. A nagging question had been gnawing at him for nearly three years, ever since he received the command seals, and it remained unresolved.
He couldn't understand why he had been chosen by the Holy Grail. He knew that he should not have been selected, as he had no sense of purpose or ideals, no wishes to make. He couldn't comprehend how such a powerful and miraculous device like the Grail could have been bestowed upon someone like him.
Kirei stared at the three red marks on the back of his right hand, his expression gloomy and melancholic.
Command Seals...
"Oh? Have you fallen into one of your trances again, Kirei?" Gilgamesh's voice cut through Kirei's thoughts as he appeared in the basement, holding a glass of red wine and a playful expression on his face.
Kirei pushed aside his thoughts and focused on Gilgamesh, his voice steady as he asked, "Why did you kill the Assassin last night? Why did you protect that Caster? And more specifically, why the boy?"
Using shared perception, he was able to gather valuable information from the assassinated Assassin last night.
"Then why didn't you tell Tokiomi about this?"
"I will inform him later," Kirei replied.
Gilgamesh sneered and smiled contemptuously at Kirei, then stood up and flung the red wine in his hand at Kirei's face. "Are you awake yet, Kirei?" he asked.
Kirei's expression remained calm, even as the wine splattered across his face, he didn't show any sign of anger towards Gilgamesh's insulting behavior. Instead, he simply asked, "What do you mean?"
"Don't deceive yourself, Kirei," Gilgamesh said mockingly. "Ever since you obtained this information, you've contacted Tokiomi three times, yet you haven't once mentioned it to him. Haven't you realized that yet?"
"Are you being held back by the strict doctrines of your religion or being trapped by a group of mongrels that have limited your ability to discover your true self? You have lost touch with who you truly are, living a mundane existence, becoming the person others want you to be, instead of embracing your true identity. This is why your inner turmoil has grown so chaotic," Gilgamesh said with biting sarcasm.
Gilgamesh refilled his glass with wine and then grabbed Kirei by the collar. The red liquid spilled from Kirei's head, streaming down his hair and dripping from his face.
"Drip, drip."
"Are you awake now?" Gilgamesh asked again.
"I'm not sure what you mean," Kirei replied, a look of confusion on his face.
Gilgamesh laughed, his smile was like a sharp knife, mocking, and sarcastic.
"Allow me to enlighten you on what can truly satisfy the void in your soul," Gilgamesh said with a smirk. "It's called genuine pleasure. Now go, inform that boy's true identity to Lancer's Master."
"Why?" Kirei asked.
"By embracing chaos, you will discover your true self," Gilgamesh sneered before fading away, leaving Kiri standing there, still confused.
...
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