章 4: c-h-a-p-t-e-r: 3
Next day:
"when she woke up at noon, she felt really sick, she was shocked that how is she still alive right now, she got so mad at herself for not dying that she pulled out the blade and then started to cut herself deeply cause of that much anger inside of her, she didn't stoped until her anger was not gone. When she was cutting herself, in the last cut she said to herself that"
Why? Just tell me why God, why am I still alive? I don't wanna live here anymore, I don't feel like home in this world. Ugh I'm trapped...
"Breathe in breathe out"
I'm gonna go for walk
"She wiped the blood put on a Hoddie and then went out, when she was walking by her neighbours houses she saw some of her abusers and when her abusers saw her they started to say stuff like"
Oh you're still alive, I told you to die cause you don't deserve to live bitch, I wish you'll die right now so that I can live happily and peacefully, you're a total burden on everyone even on your mom too and thankfully your dad died otherwise he would've been so sad that her daughter is just a useless, worthless loser, characterless, burden.
" Madison didn't went any further except that she went home cause she was having a horrible panic attack, when she entered the house she started crying and screaming in science, again she pulled out the blade and started to cut herself on her thighs cause her both shoulders and arms are full of cuts there's not even a tiny bit space for more cuts, after over thinking, too much anxiety and negativety, it all triggered her Hallucinations, she started to hear voices saying her name, and the stuff her abusers say to her often and she also stated to see scary shadow figures, she said to herself that..."
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck not again
"And then started to cry more cause of fear, when she saw a Mann holding a big sharp knife coming to kill her she fainted cause of fear. She fainted for 5 whole hours"
"When she woke up from faintness after 5 hours, she said to herself that"
Madison Once again Welcome back to living nightmare life from which I can't escape, no matter what, last time my Hallucinations ended after 2 months and it wasn't that scary like it is now, it's just fucked up now...
"She started to cry and while crying she said"
I don't know who to or how to ask for help, someone please come and help me to get out from this living nightmare I can't take it, please...
' After saying that she went upstairs to the bathroom to take shower, when she was showering she felted someone touching her back but when she touched her back where she was feeling that someone is touching her there was noone but still she's feeling that, after few seconds she felted like she's being watched by someone but theres noone in the house except her. when she got out after taking shower she saw two shadow figures standing across the room watching her...after few minutes she went to bed but she couldn't sleep because of the voices she was hearing, she sometimes were listening someone calling her name over and over again in a heavy robotic voice, angrily and sometimes she would hear two people whispering about her and sometimes she was hearing loud scary screams not like any normal scrams it's was like some demons are screaming. After half an hour her PTSD attack started, she was having horrible flashbacks of her abusers abusing her verbally and some of them physically, from fear she closed her eyes tightly and hold her other hand so strongly cause of that much fear, after 25 to 26 minutes when the attack ended'
Ughhhh.... that's it i don't wanna live
' Then she went downstairs took more then 40 random pills all at once, then she got back to her room pulled out the blade and started to cut herself on legs cause of too much anxiety, and as she was hearing things like ( die now so i can be happy, worthless, loser, you deserve to die, i wish you would die right now ect, ect) her anxiety level was getting more higher and because of that she cutted herself more deeply, after cutting herself soo many times she started to cry like a baby and said'
Kill me god just kill me i don't wanna live this living hell life of mine, i can't even escape cause no matter where i go my hallucinations are always with me, i'm tired of being scared, anxious, trapped and sad i just can't take anything anymore..
'After crying for few hours she went downstairs again and took more then 40 random pills again and said'
i hope it'll work this time, now i have to write another suicide note cause I have no damn idea where I put the previous one.
' She went upstairs grabbed a pen and a paper and starting writing.'
'I'm so sorry i know this won't work but still i'm sorry, i'm sorry for disappointing you guys, i'm sorry for making you guys mad, never helping or anything, i'm a loser i admit it, i'm a stupid fucking person actually more then that, i've always been this its just i'm admiting it now, i'm so sorry for wasting everyone time, i've never been a good daughter, relative, friend and neither a good person, i know i deserve to die and if i don't theres no space for me in this world, no one let me stay alive, every other year everyone is worse from previous year, i can't take it anymore, i hope everyone will be happy after i'll die cause thats what you all want, i'm a burden for everyone... so i hope you all are happy now cause your burden will be gone now. i wanna break free from this darkness and negativety, i can't describe how exactly i'm feeling but whatever i'm feeling it leaded me to kill myself.'
' After writing that note when she looked around she saw a black scary figure is holding a big sharp knife to kill her so she started to run but while running when that figure came close to her she fainted right there cause of too much fear'
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