章 4: Night and Day
We went to my flat, I wasn't sure what to offer so I suggested we watch a movie. He chose one we didn't see yet, and put it on. Eve never liked company, and she hid away in the other room, as she always did when I brought new people home. Dani sniffed him for a bit, and then went on to chase a bug. In the movie, one of 2 male friends had gender-bended, and they ended up together as a (now-straight) couple. I didn't care about the sex or gender of people in relationships, real or fictional, but my date seemed like he was not fully comfortable with his choice of what to watch. We watched it till the end, then he started kissing me, and I wasn't sure whether he was really in the mood or just wanted to be distracted. I've had my fare share of stupid movies ruining my own mood during dates. I suggested we move to my bedroom as things heated up.
It was a lovely hour for me, but I kept wondering if he felt the same way about it. He seemed pretty tense all along, and ummm… seemed to have some technical issues, if you know what I mean. Was it the movie, or was I being awkward? Were my pictures too good, and he is now disappointed? Did something happen during the day? Maybe he just feels as awkward as I do. I never feel comfortable with people when they're strangers. Yeah, I can talk and go to bed with them, but it doesn't remove their strong and alarming presence. I felt people being in the room even if they weren't paying attention to me, so when we actually interacted, my stomach just never relaxed.
When we were done playing with each other, I tried to initiate conversation, to get a little closer and maybe, just maybe, lift some of the awkward feeling. He talked about his family, and asked about mine. He was excited to go live on his own soon. I told him I'm orphaned for years now, and that I'm not very in touch with my extended family. That probably wasn't a good move, making the conversation depressing already. We talked more, about goals and dreams, about traveling the world, about our jobs. I tried to hug him a few times. I didn't know if any of that helped at all with how he felt. I wasn't even sure he wanted to share the reason for his weird mood.
In the morning he was gone, and my home was empty again. I texted him "good day", but he didn't reply. I wrote he's welcome to visit again if he wants to, but he didn't reply to that either. I started second-guessing myself again. Maybe those photos truly are too good. Maybe I shouldn't have talked to him so much. Maybe he actually did have a good time, and is just scared to like me. Maybe he DID like me, and thought that's a bad sign, who knows? Maybe by trying to comfort him in the moment, he thought I was trying to convince him we should begin a relationship or something. Surely, it wasn't my goal to make him do what he doesn't want to do, but I was anxious the whole day about whether I came across that way.
I opened the laptop an hour late, and had 5 new emails to reply. Eve came into the room, and sat on my lap as she loved doing. Dani sat on the keyboard, and moved to the bed after I shooed her off. At the very least, the experience was good enough for me to think about work for a while. I started typing out responses to my colleagues. It was actually a productive day; I managed to pick up the slack for yesterday, and complete all the weekly reports I was supposed to submit.
I was actually done an hour early. I checked my phone as I made myself a bowl of corn flakes, but he didn't reply yet. I was happy and sad together. I actually liked him as a person. It's a shame he didn't want to stay in touch, even just to talk on the phone or meet once in a while. He seemed really nice, and attentive. It was nice talking to him after the initial embarrassment. I didn't have such a successful date in a while. Was it shallow to admit he's the prettiest guy I've ever dated? I mean, it's debatable of course, but for my own taste at the very least.
The house filled with orange-golden tones, as the sun was setting. A notification came up on my phone. I checked the phone, but it wasn't him texting me, just my high school friend. With heavy guilt, I put the phone down without opening the message. This is so stupid, I thought. I'm lonely, but I never reply to my actual friends, or just reply days after. It's probably good that he didn't get back to me. He definitely dodged a bullet.
I remembered Linn again. I wondered if I might find her in the park, if I went back there. What are the odds though? I've never seen her around before. But still, what if she WILL be there…? I looked at the mirror. I decided I can dress up nicely once in a while. Even if she won't be there, just to feel nice. I put on my black velvet shirt, and wore my favorite plaid red skirt over it. I put on my knee high boots and jacket, and also the raincoat - the sky seemed clear, but at this season, who knows? Just in case it starts raining. I brushed my hair, took my keys and went out.
The air was very cold that evening, and even though it didn't snow yet this year, winter seemed to be close. The stars flickered brightly, as the evening sky darkened. The Last golden tones were far on the horizon, as the sky gradually went from orange, to pink, to purple to the nightly dark-blue. By the time I arrived at the small grove, it was completely dark already. I did my best to walk silently through the short grass, or at least as silently as I could, with all the dry leaves crackling under my boots.
I didn't see anybody there, and I was a little relieved for some reason. That is, until I saw a strong flash between the trees, coming from far within the grove.
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