章 14: No Confidence.
What had happened last night? I got flustered around Drake like some silly doomed teenager. I'm no noob when it came to men, but I've never felt that way before either. Not even with Nicklos. I couldn't let my guard down around him. He may be super nice to me now, but men are evil. I had to keep reminding myself that. But is he really though, I mean come on. He was nice enough to find out what was going on with me! He forced me to tell him, he kept me in the room until I told him. If he really forced you to do anything, don't you think he would be more aggressive about it?
I sighed and rolled over in the bed. Sebastion was gone again. This was the second time that we didn't wake up together. I think that every time I wake up now, he just goes to spar. I was getting him to him too. I sat up in bed, pulling my legs to my chest. He would be helping Aspin now, training him to be like us. It felt so weird because that was my job once upon a time. Now it seemed like I was falling, and he was rising in my place. I wonder, would we grow apart? We where being separated now. Sebastion was training, and I was slowly spiraling into an abyss of self loathing and depression. Maybe I should confide with Sebastion about the truth of what really happened that night. Maybe it would elevate some of the stress I was feeling. Maybe that was my I was having so many nightmares, because I kept it bottled up.
There was a light knock at the door. There was no doubt that it was Drake. Although I found it funny that he was now sitting outside the door as opposed to just waltzing right in. I tossed off the blankets, rubbing sleep from my eyes and yawned. Was I really ready for another ass kicking? I cracked open the door, and not to my surprise did I find him there. Drake stood outside the door, giving me a small smile.
"Are you ready?" He asked quietly. I nodded slowly not really wanting too, but knowing I had to anyway. I joined him in the hall and we stood their awkwardly in silence. There was so much emotion built into his eyes, like a raging storm that was brewing and sloshing violently. He said nothing though, not a single word as he strolled down the hallway. I sighed inwardly and followed. I guess silence was not really a bad thing although I really wanted to address my behavior last night and apologize. I think I was honestly just tired.
"A-about last night..." I trailed off awkwardly scratching my head. Drake stopped mid step, casting a glance over his shoulder.
"You where sick. I'm glad you are better." He stated before continuing down the hall. A sharp pain went through my chest. That was a little dismissive. Maybe I got the wrong idea and he was just toying with me. Men are evil.
"Right..." I rubbed my arm awkwardly. What else could I say? What more was there I could say except, hey I have these weird feelings for you. They keep popping up and I can't seem to control them. Maybe stop toying with my emotions while I still have some sanity left would be nice. But I could never bring myself to say so much. The less he knew the better. We walked into the main room, surprisingly it was absent. He offered me to eat and I declined. My appetite was lost when he dismissed me. It's not like I wasn't dismissed before so it was weird that it was bothering me so much. He wasn't pleased, but didn't say a word. We walked into the training room. Aspin and Sebastion where going hard at it. There grunts and sweat flying through the air as they where set, focused on each other.
Aspin had gotten so good! Maybe too good over the last few days. He was ducking, evading, and throwing punches like a pro. He was so focused that neither one saw us walk in the room. It wasn't until Sebastion landed a punch to his shoulder did he look up to see us. Aspin, not following his gaze, went to retaliate. I watched him bring his fist all the way back behind his head and launch it towards his face. He must have thought Sebastion was distracted. Sebastion caught his fist. I couldn't help the small giggle that escaped my lips when Aspin looked up stunned. His eyes big and wide as he stared at there hands.
I won't deny and say I felt a little jealous watching them. Seeing Aspin flourish under Sebastion was like a kick in the gut. It wasn't that my brother wasn't a good teacher because he honestly was. He was my equal when it came to fighting, so his skills where beyond exceptional. But what was bothering me, was that I was actually no longer in fact Sebastion's equal. I was falling far from it. Never did I see the day, that my brother would surpass me because of my mental health. I suppose it was better this way.
"Hey, what's wrong? You look upset." Sebastion let go of Aspin's fist. Shoving him away as he walked across the room. I let my guard down again. I was becoming more readable now more than ever. But I waved my hand dismissively at him, not wanting to ruin his good training exercise.
"Oh, just a rough night. You are a bed hog." I tried to joke. It sounded more strained than I was hoping for. Come on Aria. Pull it together.
"You are a terrible liar. Always have been." I sighed and put a smile on my face. He didn't buy that either. "Can you give us the room?" Sebastion asked not looking away from me. Drake gave a curt nod, eyes landing on me, and then waved to Aspin to exit. I watched them leave, my body feeling tired already. I swayed on my feet and he quickly lunged across the room to catch me.
"Start talking." Sebastion demanded. I sighed sadly. I know I should tell him what was going on, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not now. He had so much going for him, and my weight was just another burden. 'You can't rely on Sebastion for ever." No, this would be too much right now. Maybe one day if I lived that long. If my madness didn't drive me wild enough to jump off the cliff.
"I got my ass kicked last night, my self esteem is just low." I lied easily to him. The guilt pinched my heart, but Sebastion burst out laughing, grabbing me in a head lock and dragging his knuckles across my head. Success, now to just keep it going until he left me.
"Jeez, when did you get so sensitive? And you let him beat you up? You are getting soft!" I punched him the chest, my fist barely made the impact. He backed off but wouldn't stop laughing.
"Will you cut it out? I'm being serious. If I can't keep up with him by the time this meeting comes around, he'll have me replaced." That was a legitimate concern of mine. If he can't find me reliable, then someone would go in my stead, further crushing my confidence and pride that I built up over the years. I wriggled out of his grasp and flopped my body on the ground. No longer willing to stand on my two jelly like legs. Sebastion crossed his arms over his chest. He was unimpressed with my negative attitude. Deep down he knew something was off and I was hiding it.
"Nah, you will be fine. You finally met a challenge is all. Believe me I sparred with him too while waiting for you to get up. He's a brute!" He flicked my nose, a grin upon his face. I rubbed it glaring at him. At least I wasn't the only one who was having difficulties. It made me feel a little better. But his difficulties where much different than mine, and the struggles where not the same.
"Ok, I've done my good deed of the day. I'll catch you later Aria." I watched him go, dread filling my heart as he left me alone. If felt good to chat with him a little, but I still felt so alone. I couldn't talk to him about Drake or that night, and he seemed much happier since our schedules had changed. I felt the heavy weight of depression as I hugged my knees to my chest. Would it always be like this? Everything was changing so fast, and I couldn't grasp on to it like everyone else.
"All good?" I looked up to find Drake, worried and standing in the door way. Would there ever be a day in my life when I was going to be okay? Would I always feel like I was drowning? I let out a small sigh and forced a smile on to my face.
"Yep! Let's do this!" I rolled to my feet, but exhaustion overwhelmed me and I felt myself falling through the air. Strong hands caught me and pulled me to my feet. I gnashed my teeth together irritated at how weak I felt. Drakos's dark laughter filled my ears, taunting me, goading me. 'You can't even tell them the truth Aria. You might as well crawl up in a circle and die. How pathetic.'
"Alright, you are done for the day. Go and relax." Drake sounded frustrated as he wrapped his arms around my back and legs, lifting me up into the air so effortlessly.
"I can still fight. Drop me." I demanded but he didn't listen to me. He wouldn't listen to me.
"Absolutely not. If we where to get into a fight you would be reliable. I can't have that. So until you get some decent rest, you are off the mission. I will find a replacement for you incase you can't make it." His voice was detached and hard. I didn't have the strength to argue with him as he carried me to my room. I felt so small and feeble. Like a newborn pup would struggling to find it's mothers milk. Tossing open the door, he placed me on the bed and dragged over the chair that he sat in yesterday. His eyes alight like a savagely burning flame.
"You aren't telling the whole truth Aria. There is something going on you aren't telling me. When your Master talked about you, he never once said anything about you being like this. So I ask you, and only once. What the hell is bothering you?" I pursed my lips, my eyes closing slowly as I leaned back against the pillows. Just tell him Aria. It could make you feel better. What if I was wrong though? I would just keep spiraling and then guess what? Sebastion would think I was a monster, think I was some desperate killing machine that can snap at any moment. I would rather him see me as useless then a damned monster.
"I won't. So you can leave if you think I am unreliable." I muttered under my breath. He didn't move. I was half expecting him to get angry, but when I opened my eyes there was nothing but disappointment.
"What ever you are hiding Aria, is not worth fighting yourself over. So when you are ready to talk, I think it would be best if we all sat down and talked about this. Your brother is becoming worried for you Aria, the only reason he hasn't tormented you about it, is because I said I would handle it. So for now I will give you your space, but you will tell me what is wrong. I mean it." He rose from the chair, not glancing behind him as he stormed out of the room. I shut my eyes warily and just listened to the silence that filled the room.
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