章 35: Out Alive, In To Survive (Inward Speech By An Afflicted Soul)
Why am I nothing? Why don't I come to life? The day drags on. Stuffing my face with food that nourishes my fleshly body. Isolating myself to keep the demons at bay. Knowing that I need saving and trying to push to change things...but questioning if I really care. I can go for You. I can strive for You. I want to be with You. Yet, only for You.
Alone I would die. Alone I always cry. I'm dead inside. No sign of happy living. Am I so ungrateful? To be blessed to live everyday while wishing for the opposite? How could I behave in such a manner? I hate the way this goes. The battle that's a heavy overflow. The answer is no! I don't want this! NO! When will the corruption and evil go? I wanted to stop here and breathe. No words, no people, no war, just peace.
My heart is thick and heavy. Stuck centrally beating and its weight could break a Chevy. Others say tis a sinking feeling. Mine is everything but. I sank long before and have yet to swim to shore. I'm still swimming. Still searching. The familiarity only hurts more. All these years and I never understood until now. How much of a fool I am! To be here and see others as a burden. Who am I to think such thoughts? When there are many men and women just like me: lost.
I cannot deny the rage I carry inside. The struggle with self and how screwed I am. How screwed I feel. How screwed I've become. Effort has pumped day in and day out. It's not like I've completely given up. I'm thrusting as much as I can. Thrusting to correct, discipline, and learn. Yes, the Word is in charge. You are in control. This I've always known. I'm giving over my will to do as You please with me. So, why don't You?
Am I not worth it? I understand. But, You never make mistakes. Unless...I'm the intended one. An intended error to someone else's noble ways. None of us have the best character, though the good can outweigh the bad. I cannot be glad if my good is overtaken by the bad. If my spirit is in jeopardy and I have failed You worse than I ever had (or in general). Purity is You, reality is You, balance is You! We can't deny what is true. So, what is it that You want me to do?
What good is it to try when you never really know? What good is it to fix things if I'm just THAT slow? Not a moment goes by that I have no sentiment of struggle. Questioning whether something is truly okay or not. God, why did you make this world a place of passing? If we must dwell in a society where goodness is a shock, I might as well sit and watch the ticking clock. Wait for You to arrive and judge the crap out of us all. I smile one second, frown the next. What is joy anymore? The feeling to fill an empty void? It's so much NOISE! Be grateful you deranged fool! You couldn't apply information better a computer tool! I am grateful! I AM! I speak the truth despite being the family sham. I'm fighting as best as I can, is there no one to understand?
...Except You. Will they not see it through? I love them dearly, but my breaking point? It has been long overdue.
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