章 9: Shining Light
Jared gathered his things and thanked Akamai for the lecture. He decided to take his tutors advice and head to the cafeteria for some food.
As he walked towards the cafeteria, Jared felt a little out of place with his dark, faded clothing. At twenty-nine years old, he realized he was also a bit older than most of the students here.
When he arrived at the cafeteria, he was pleasantly surprised by the prices. It was a flat fee of 3 poke for a dish, and there was a wide range of traditional Alolan dishes, such as poi and poke bowls, as well as some more familiar options like sandwiches and salads.
Jared decided to try the poi, curious about the local cuisine. It was a sticky, taro-based dish that had a slightly sweet taste. However, somehow he found it bland and tasteless, despite the fact that it shouldn't be.
As he ate, he overheard some conversations around him. It seemed that many people were focusing heavily on these "Ultra Beasts" and the so-called Skull Gang.
The people talking seemed friendly enough, and perhaps it would have been a good moment to make friends, but all Jared could think about now was yesterday. If Akamai had not picked him up, and suddenly snapping him out of his depressed state momentarily, Jared doubted that he would have been able to leave the house at all.
Jared felt growing discomfort as he made his way home. Without someone chatting with him, he realized just how lost he felt, and how depressed and angry he really was when all he had was his thoughts.
The alleyways near his home were as dingy as usual, but somehow Jared felt more comfortable here. It felt more real, more honest maybe. When he finally arrived at his small, cramped apartment, he reflexively looked in the window of the darkened townhouse next to his, and what he saw made him jump. Deep inside the shattered window, a giant shapeless creature with giant eyes was staring straight at him!
Suddenly, the shapeless shadow smiled, revealing its massive mouth, making Jared flinch back in shock. Rubbing his eyes, he looked back, but the terrible visage was now gone.
With a gulp, Jared laughed nervously to himself in an attempt to dispel his unease, but a chill crept up his back despite the warm afternoon sun. "That shadow, it looks just like... in my nightmare last night"
Without further thought, Jared made his way inside and closed the door behind him. After taking a sip of water, he found himself strangely exhausted. Struck by this bought of tiredness, Jared laid down on the mattress and found that he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. They were too heavy. Despite the discomfort from the hard mattress, he soon fell into a deep sleep.
Despite his restful exterior, internally Jared was agast to once again find himself in a familiar alley, with two familiar people, and a familiar shadow growing before him.
Feeling his heart beating out of his chest from what he knew was coming, Jared tried to reason with the men, but they only emitted soundless laughter. It was as if they were mocking his efforts.
Jared ran once more, Jared was ripped apart once more, and once more he pleaded the man with the lantern for help, but it all ended the same.
Being awoken by his screams, Jared began sobbing from the sheer terror he had felt. The dream was much more vivid than last time, and right now it was all he could think about. But as he recalled the events of the dream, he suddenly came to a realization, and as he thought and thought, that realization became clear and clear.
Burying his face in his hands, Jared couldn't stop himself as tears streamed down his face despite his protests. He had suddenly realized that this dream was telling him something, and now he felt he could hear it loud and clear.
Jared cursed himself in-between his uncontrollable sobbing, "How dare you keep asking that man in the light for help, when you didn't help. How dare you expect him to listen to your pleas, when their pleas went unanswered. How dare you expect not to be torn apart, when you let the same thing happen right in front of you. You fucking hypocrite, how dare you. how dare you, how dare you!"
Suddenly Jared stopped cursing, as he was becoming too angry to even speak, but now without an outlet, he felt his anger beginning to to build and build, and soon he couldn't take it any longer, and began wildly hurting himself in any way possible, beating himself, tearing at his skin, trying to let release this anger he had. He wanted badly to relive the pain he knew those children had experienced, he wanted to believe that maybe if he suffered enough that maybe they would forgive him.
It wasn't until many bloody scratches later, and a few mouthfuls of blood, that he felt the hatred lift from his spirit. Then he began to cry uncontrollably again, but he quickly chided himself for his behaviour, and instead his tears turned to mocking laughter, as he dug his fingers into his skin, "Forgiveness" Jared laughed mirthfully "Do you deserve forgiveness? How dare you cry and feel pity for yourself! you are alive and breathing, what pity do you deserve you worthless bastard!"
Eventually, he dragged himself to his feet and stumbled into the bathroom, he wanted to see something. As he looked at his battered reflection in the tiny mirror, he laughed, and pointed right as his face in the mirror, "Whether it's this world or the last, this new look really does suit you the most doesn't it?"
.
Sitting in the chair by the window, Jared looked out into the alley. Even if it was painful, he kept reliving the moment over and over in his mind, keeping those children alive, even if only in his memories. Once in a while he would laugh at himself, but he no longer saw hope. He just sat there, and sat there, not moving.
It was said that once a man reaches the bottom of despair, and can't go on, either he will shatter forever into an endless number of pieces, or he will rebuild himself using those pieces. He will grasp at the tiniest glimmer, the tiniest light hidden somewhere deep within him, and be reborn, regardless of the end result, even if the pieces don't fit, or don't conform with reality, so what? After all, once you've found your hope, what can matter more? Can't you just change reality to suit you instead. Even if it's impossible to achieve in the end, does it matter?
As the sky grew dim, Jared's thoughts finally strayed, he began thinking about how he had come to this world, and eventually the how turned to why. Why had some entity brought him here, why, for what purpose? why why why?
Then Jared's twisted expression turned to realization as if he had found the most beautiful treasure in the world. He frantically pursued his line of thinking, "Wait, what if this was all planned? What if this was all meant to happen?!"
Laughing, Jared jumped up, pacing around muttering to himself. "Why would God choose me of all people to come to this world? Maybe all this madness and cruelty had a purpose. Maybe I was meant to achieve something here!"
Coming to his own conclusions, Jared smiled for the first time in a while. "Hahahaha, I know what I need to do now. It's so obvious! Tomorrow things are going to be different! They will!"
With renewed spirits, Jared picked himself up and began eating some bread. He was like a changed man. If someone saw him now, they would never be able to associate the man they saw now with the one a few minutes ago.
He cleaned himself in the tub, scrubbed his bloodied clothes, hung them up to dry, and then went to sleep with a smile.
Once again, Jared found himself in the same nightmare, but this time he didn't run. Instead, he simply laughed at the growing shadow before him with a happy expression. "Good, eat me, tear me apart, help me to never forget. I'm counting on you!"
The nightmarish shadow seemed to pause, as if it didn't believe what it was seeing, but in the end it still tore Jared apart all the same. Even if it was painful, Jared didn't shy away from it, rather he relished it. From the bottom of his heart, he truly wanted to carve this pain he was feeling into his very being. However there was no light to come bring him salvation in the darkness this time, but so what, he had already found his very own light, and it was brighter and purer than anything else in this world.
Waking up with a smile on his face, Jared prepared himself for the day. After eating, he went to brush his teeth only to realize he had forgotten to buy toothpaste. "Haha, oh well, that's fine. I'll pick some up later!"
Stepping outside, Jared happily breathed in the fresh air, "What a beautiful day!"
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