章 54: 50 Shades of What
So, like many other people out there, I just finished reading "50 Shades of Grey" and like most people I wanted try out some of the advanced techniques that I learned from my intense studying of the book. Now I knew I couldn't try it on my wife or even someone I knew, I needed an unbiased opinion to prove this book true or false once and for all.
I began to think, brainstorm if you will, how could I get an unbiased person to participate with this test? So like every other young male in America I decided I needed to kidnap someone and bring them back to my home. How could this go wrong?
The best place to do this, in my mind, was Wal-Mart between two and four am on a Saturday. I dressed accordingly; I always match my clothes with the level of light. It was dark out so I decided to wear ALL black, even black boxers and a ski-mask just to top my outfit off. I sat for over an hour in the back left corner of the parking lot trying to spot someone that would be fun and understanding after the fact.
It was as hard as I thought it would be. I approached from the shadows really embracing my role as the dark, handsome stranger. My female guest wasn't as excited as I expected. She punched me in my nipple and it really stung but the gag and tape really saved my morning. The excitement was abundant and my female friend was securely bound. Let the reenactment begin!
I had converted my shed into the love dungeon from the book. Instead of tools for building things, I reconstructed the exact props from the book. I placed my unbiased mate in the room and went and changed into a very slick suit I had gotten from JG Wentworth. I looked the part and she looked terrified.
Now, I did every single thing from the book and the whole time this chick is whining and fussing. It's still not apparent to me why, however, I continued the experiment determined to prove it once and for all that the book is true or false.
Here comes the worst part, after the first eight hours of this, the police arrived and tried to tell me that the kidnapping I had committed was actually a crime. Unreal. I simply explained to them that I was conducting a literary experiment with real people from real society. That didn't work out too good for me; the judge had never read the book. But he was telling he was going to throw the book at me. If he didn't read the book how did he have the confidence to throw it at me? Turns out, it was a different book he was speaking of. Confusion ensued but I didn't care, I proved that the book is false and my life was complete.
I type this to you from the second largest state penitentiary in the United States and I've made many friends. They've read the book too and we practice the techniques every day. What a great book!!!!!!
This is purely fictional. Kidnapping and rape are not a laughing matter. This is strictly a satirical piece of literature.
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