章 214: What is death but a form of relief for all the worldly pains
Slight warning
This chapter contains some pretty dark thoughts and attempted (and pseudo-successful) suicide. If you aren't comfortable with that I suggest skipping this chapter.
The laser beam strikes the purple glow and it disappears as ripples surface on the glowing membrane that covers the city. The dragon only manages to keep the laser beam going for about ten seconds.
Normally, I recon ten seconds would have been enough to vaporize the entire structure suspended above it but now...
The laser beam fades leaving no trace of its existence while the purple glowing membrane is still there. Clearly whatever produced the membrane is much more powerful than the dragon.
<Jade! Get out of there now, Darwin is going to...>
Navi's voice is suddenly cut off as the feeling of my body vanishes without warning. I move my eyes and see Ruby stand beside me her giant axe sunk into where the rest of my body continues after the head. I was right thinking that she could cut me in half with a single swing. She cleanly chopped off my head.
I meet Ruby's eyes and there is rage mixed with a sharp tinge of hatred and disgust in them.
"Just die already you monster! The world will be better off without you."
She had called me a monster before when she first appeared and saw me kill those workers. However, this time it feels different.
Like a drop of color falling into a clear lake, the meaning of that word causes ripples, sinks to the bottom, and tints the entire lake.
I am a monster…
I kill people…
I gave up on everything that made me human in order to get what?
<Jade! You need to stop or you'll enter your first crisis! I have never seen such an intense reaction. Whatever you are doing, stop now!>
Navi's voice is slowly fading into the background as a tumultuous roaring that isn't really there fills my ears. The life begins to leave my body and my vision blurs.
I look back up at the city and see a portly figure appear and punch the purple membrane causing it to shake like crazy. Is that Darwin? Why is he here? Does it even matter?
I'm about to die anyway...
Maybe it's a good thing to die and be done with it?
<JADE DO NOT...>
A familiar void engulfs me and a realization strikes me. I can't really die, I'll just respawn. Then I'll kill more people and get killed again. All so I can have my revenge...
It's the first time I notice how petty I am to seek revenge even at the cost of my humanity. Is it worth it?
I wonder, why can't I just forgive those three and be done with it. Perhaps death really would be preferable...
To just stop existing, let all the pain, suffering, and grievance rest for eternity. To be at peace.
Wait...
I can't die?
It won't ever stop respawning, killing, and getting killed. I won't ever be free from suffering and all the worldly burdens.
I want to make it stop. I want to tell the void to keep me there in its empty embrace. But the cruel reality soon sets in as I begin to feel a fleshy body that is now mine. I feel disgusted by the fact that I am in a body even if it is my own.
Why can't I just die and rest for eternity?
The roaring in my ears grows even louder to the point that it is deafening. Deep inside my mind thousands of tiny voices like my own are chanting fervently.
'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.'
Those voices repeat endlessly as if they are reciting a mantra. Like ants scurrying through my mind those little voices spread everywhere, consume all other thoughts, and steadily grow in numbers until they encompass almost everything.
'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.'
The respawn is completed and I'm back in this dungeon that is now pretty empty due to the stampede. I do not wish to be here and every fiber of my mind is rebelling at the mere thought of staying alive or even being alive for that matter.
My eyes fall on a particular stalagmite that sticks out from the rest because it is larger than usual. Normally, I wouldn't even bother to notice the difference but now it is a perfect, golden opportunity to unalive myself and end this insufferable existence of mine.
I smash my head onto the stalagmite with full force but to my great chagrin, all I get is a flesh wound. The stalagmite crumbles and I curse my hardened scales for making this so difficult.
The stalagmite was useless so I'll just use the rocky wall! I repeatedly smash my head against the wall until I feel myself drift back into the void. But not for long.
<Why did you just kill yourself?>
'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.'
I respawn again and instantly start to smash my head in with full force. I don't even feel any of the pain that is supposed to come with smashing in my head. The chanting voices in my head drown out all else.
'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.'
The void quickly returns before I respawn only to kill myself again...
<For fuck's sake will you stop killing yourself! We thought your first crisis was going to be intense but this is much negativity and insane behavior is a real first!>
'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.'
I respawn and am about to go on another head-bashing trip when a small lizard enters my gaze. The dumb critter is scared stiff at my presence. It must have been left behind during the stampede.
As I look at it I get incredibly irritated at the little lizard. It can die while I can't! Why does it receive that kind of privilege and not use it? I'm going to help it make use of that privilege now!
<Wait, don't!>
I pounce on the small critter that doesn't even dare to move and tear it into ribbons of flesh.
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