章 10: Chapter 10

Jared

I was never a man of faith. My father instilled on me at a young age, that if I wasn't going to be successful and powerful on my own, then I wasn't welcome in his home. So, praying to God every night wasn't allowed. When me and Laynie started getting serious her sophomore year of college, she asked me to go to church with her on Christmas Eve. It was a tradition that her and her father did ever year. It was awkward for me, but I dealt with it because I wanted to be with her and I knew this was important to her. I never told her, but I didn't enjoy the festivities like she did. I guess my father had more to do with my upbringing than I give him credit for.

I drop to my knees, and for the first time in my life, give a silent prayer to God that Laynie can forgive me. I know without a doubt that I did that to her. I burry my head in my hands and fist my hair. What the hell have I done to her? I'm getting sick and tired of asking myself that question. I'm getting sick of feeling sick to my stomach and crying all the time. I sneak a glance up at her and she has her head down. Again. I want to get up, march over to her, and gently lift her head up, but I can't this time. There is only one thing I can do. I slowly get up, realizing that my falling on the floor was not good for my injuries, and march over to where I put our hospital bag earlier.

I search through it frantically and find what I'm looking for. In the corner of my eye I see Laynie come out of the bedroom wearing a different shirt, one that covers the scars on her back, and come closer to me. I grab my cell phone to call the number on the scrap of notebook paper in my hands when Laynie comes closer to me and puts her hands on my shoulders stopping me. I look down at her and see the desperation in her eyes. She knows what I'm about to do.

"Laynie, I know I did that to you." I say with desperation. "I know I hurt you more than once. They told me about your previous hospital visit. I have to call Detective Andrews so they can arrest me."

Her emotion is that of shock. She has to know that this is not okay. A man should never raise his hands to a woman, especially his own. I get ready to move around her when she blocks my path with a cry.

"Jared please, I need you. You can't call him. I'm okay. Really. It was a long time ago." She says with desperation.

I look at her with shock as well. I don't understand how she can be so forgiving. I see the fear I have ingrained in her, but there is something else there. She says she needs me. What if I have taught her that she has to be dependent on me? What if I have truly broken her?

"Laynie I have to. Look at your back. How did I even do that?" I'm hysterical now.

I can feel the darkness coming up but I don't understand why. Everything is so damn confusing to me. It's frustrating as all hell.

"Jared, it was an accident. You didn't mean to do this to me." She says quietly with her head down.

I sigh and put the paper and phone down on an end table that looks expensive. I walk over to Laynie and without even asking I grab her and hold her. We haven't really touched since the car ride home and that didn't exactly end well. I can feel her tense in my arms, another fault of mine, but I hold on to her. I have to know what I did to her back but I know her emotions from today are just about spent. Mine are too. We both need rest and a good long talk tomorrow.

"Laynie, I won't call him right away, but please, when we talk tomorrow, if I have put you through hell, I'm going to call him and tell him. I have to. I cannot get away with this. I feel disgusted at my actions, even if I can't exactly remember them." I tell her quietly.

"We will talk tomorrow Jared. But please don't make any rash decisions. It's not what you think." She repeats.

I give her a slight nod that I'm not sure she can see because I'm still hugging her. She releases me first then starts to head down the hall again. She turns when she realizes I'm not following her.

"I'm sorry Lane, I'll just shower in the morning." I tell her. "I love you so much baby and I know I have broken you. I will make it up to you. Every single day if I have to."

With that I walk to the sofa and sit. I don't look her way even though I know she is still standing there with her head down. Another reminder of what I have done to her. I can feel when she finally turns around, heads to the bedroom, and shut the door behind her. I blow a breath of relief and lie down. I feel so exhausted. My mind and body are completely spent. As much as I want to rest and sleep this nightmare of my life, sleep does not come to me. I spend hours going over what could have possibly gone wrong in these past twelve months, but come up with nothing. I don't know what to do, I feel lost and confused. When I can see the early light coming through the window, I finally drift off to sleep. Thinking the entire time about the scars that marred a back belonging to the woman I love.

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