章 11: A Dirty Detention.
'And that's a chapter title which can be taken entirely differently if it was written in the Breeding Ground.'
A sound of a throat being cleared echoed throughout the room. Everyone's favorite mercenary with the mouth began to speak and take in a calming and deep breath.
"Previously on Deadpool's new job, Argus Filch had a meltdown and tried to steal Christmas. No one quite knows where he would be back. Your deputy caretaker of magical sanitation became the main character of magical sanitation. Harry Potter got some new friends. Also, Hagrid got a dragon egg, from a mysterious hooded man in a pub, who we're all certain isn't mysterious and partaking in any illegal activities. Draco Malfoy snooped around where he didn't belong and tried to invoke the spirit of his father. And now I put him in detention."
"Who the devil are you talking to?"
Everyone's favorite mercenary turned his attention towards Severus Snape. Snape gave Deadpool the same look which he generally gave everyone and that was an extremely sour look. The two locked eye to eye with each other.
"You put Malfoy in detention for a month," Snape said.
"So, you heard?" Deadpool asked.
"Who didn't hear? Malfoy would complain about how some human house elf threw him into detention? I had to tell him to be silent because he's making a scene."
"And for the record, I only put Malfoy in detention for a week and not a month."
Snape took a moment to survey Deadpool. He figured Malfoy did embellish the facts. If he was anything like Lucius, he could be overly dramatic at the worst possible time.
"There's something going on," Snape said. "Malfoy refuses to tell me why he was caught out of bounds."
"Don't you have potions to loosen his tongue?"
The cold and blank stare of the Hogwarts Potions master fell on Deadpool's face. The temperature in the room started to lower and Deadpool could barely even hold his head up. Snape's frigid expression grew even more so when falling on Deadpool's face.
"I do have my means to make people like Malfoy speak. But, once he informs his father of what happened, it's not going to be pretty. Providing he hasn't already written to his father already."
"So, his father is going to try and get me fired," Deadpool said. "Well, wouldn't that be an abrupt end to this story if that happened?
Snape blinked for a moment. He thought about saying anything. The thought turned to nothing when he realized it was best during times like this to keep his mouth firmly shut.
'Don' even stop down to his level, Severus. It's not worth it.'
"If we are fortunate," Snape said. "I would suggest you go easy on Draco's detention. Unfortunately, Dumbledore refused to allow me to rescind it."
"Do you think I should stoop down to the threat of bullying?"
It was Deadpool's time to stand tall and proud and looked Snape square in the eye.
"People like him aren't going to take me down. I've fought people far more fearsome than some pompous ponce with a pimp cane. Let, Malfoy come up here if he thinks I'm worth fighting his little precious prince over. Draco Malfoy was violating rules by trespassing outside after hours without the permission of the staff. And now he's being a snitch. That won't go, no sir, it won't go."
Deadpool held out a fireplace poker and put it on Snape's face.
"I refuse to be bullied by snitches. Malfoy wants to complain about getting detention for a week. Well, tell him that he's to come to meet me at the Great Hall tomorrow after dinner. And tell him it's now two weeks if he cries to Daddy. And if Lucius wants to come here, I dare him, I double-dog dare him. I triple-dog-dare him to come and do something about it. He thinks he's something, but you know, he's nothing."
"I'm not your lackey," Snape said. "Tell him yourself."
Snape figured something was going on. The Hogwarts Gamekeeper was acting more strange than usual, and Potter seemed to be up to something. And now Malfoy had gotten chucked into detention and refused to tell him the reason why.
An angry expression spread over the face of Draco Malfoy. He could not believe this was happening. He could not believe he was in detention. Malfoy looked up at that glorified sanitation worker. He did not respect him at all.
"There's no need to have your wand for this."
Deadpool locked his eye on the face of Malfoy. A few seconds passed and Deadpool extended his hand out to give Malfoy's wand.
"You are ignorant if you think I'm going to give my wand to you."
"No, but, if you don't surrender your wand, you will be expelled," Deadpool said.
"You can't do that," Malfoy said to him. "I'm Draco Malfoy…."
Deadpool held up his hand in an instant. Malfoy shut up, about as much as he was going to at this point. The Mercenary extended his hand. Malfoy looked over his shoulder and noticed a figure coming down the hallway. He relaxed when it was Dumbledore.
"Headmaster, you need to tell him that I'm not going to hand over my wand."
The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes shifted to the grandfatherly look of disappointment. "I'm afraid that I cannot tell him such a thing Mr. Malfoy. You will need to serve your detention, or I'm afraid I will have no choice but to suspend you from Hogwarts. We have had some complaints from several students about you, and I hope these detentions will teach you a lesson of treating others like you want to be treated."
"If it was Potter, you wouldn't be….."
"Mr. Malfoy, I will hold onto your wand. I can assure you, it can be picked up after detention. There will be no lasting harm when you are under the watchful eye of Mr. Wilson."
"Yeah," Deadpool said. "I won't rough you up. Hope you don't like those robes too much though."
Malfoy handed the wand over to Dumbledore. This kind of behavior would not be tolerated. Draco wondered why his father had not answered his letters yet. His father should have dropped everything and come out to Hogwarts.
Deadpool whistled and shoved a large bucket full of cleaning utensils in Malfoy's arms.
"You just wait! You just wait! My father will have your head for this."
"Please, HYDRA already had my head a long time ago," Deadpool said. "It reattached to my body eventually. All I needed was some duct tape, some chewing gum, and a little elbow grease. You know, the old home remedies."
"I don't understand how….."
The Mercenary cleared his throat which made Malfoy look at him with a scowling look.
"I don't understand how your parents got together. I saw your mother. I so totally would."
Malfoy was at a loss as to what this weird caretaker would do to his mother. Deadpool patted on the head which caused Draco to recoil and drop the bucket on his foot.
"Ah, you'll understand me more in a couple of years. So, off to our adventure."
"Adventure?" Malfoy asked. "You call this an adventure?"
"Have you ever cleaned a public toilet?" Deadpool asked. "Trust me, things happen in those bathrooms which are best left unsaid."
Malfoy had no desire to dirty his hands with a public toilet. The young wizard had been forced to go on this detention with this potentially unhinged lunatic of a caretaker.
'My father will hear of this.'
Malfoy stepped into the restroom and stepped in water which was overflowing from the toilet. Deadpool stepped inside of the bathroom.
"You can't expect me to clean this toilet without magic," Malfoy said.
"Hey, I've had to clean all of these toilets without magic," Deadpool said. "And it's time for you to learn a very important skill. Ladies love a man who can unclog a toilet. I think they do at least. And I'm sure other men do as well if you're so inclined to swing that way."
"Swing what way?" Malfoy asked. "What are you talking about?"
"Hey, I'm not judging," Deadpool said. "People should feel free to love whoever they want, as long it's consensual. It's the current year after all."
Once again, Malfoy did not really say anything. All he could do was take that one weird thing with the other thing on the end.
"It's called a plunger," Deadpool said. "I call her Miss Betsy. She can't steer you wrong."
The toilet clogged with feces, toilet paper, and heaven knows what else was in there. Malfoy pulled a face and he shoved the plunger in the toilet. Every time he plunged it up and down, he pulled a place.
"This is barbaric!"
"Yeah, so I've heard," Deadpool said. "It's a dirty job so….."
The toilet started to overflow and shoot the nasty water into Malfoy's face. Malfoy slid back a little bit and looked disgusted.
"Don't these people know how to flush a bloody toilet?" Malfoy asked.
"Well, it looks like the scion of the honorable house of Malfoy isn't good enough to fix a clogged toilet without magic."
An expression of well-defined agitation spread over Malfoy's face. This Mudblood didn't think he was good. Well, Malfoy would have to show him. He plunged the plunger into the toilet and started to move it out. He moved and prepared to flush the toilet.
The toilet exploded in Malfoy's face. Draco Malfoy flew backward and had the contents of the toilet splattering over his body. He dripped in sewage when pulling back down. A cackling and multi-colored man appeared. Peeves the Poltergeist showed up and cackled while juggling urinal cakes in his hand.
"Ah, is Bad Faith a little washed up? I think he's feeling a little bit flushed!"
The only thing which would be better in the mind of Peeves if he had taken out Harry Potter with the old exploding toilet trick because there would be nothing more poetic than Potty getting taken out by a potty.
"You disgusting poltergeist!" Malfoy yelled. "I'll have you expelled."
"Oh, I'm disgusting," Peeves said. "Poor Bad Faith, he's the one dripping in piss, shit, and other unspeakable bodily fluids!"
Peeves hurled one of the urinal cakes directly at the face of Malfoy. Malfoy screamed in agony when one of the objects smacked him in the face. Another one of the urinal cakes smacked Malfoy dead on in the face as hard as possible. Malfoy kept opening his mouth and got one directly in the mouth.
"You're taking the piss now!"
Deadpool chuckled, but then looked at Peeves. He was pretty sure as the closest thing to a responsible adult in this room, he should intervene on the student's behalf. Malfoy slid as much as possible and crashed into the wall. A scream of agony spread as he remained on the bathroom floor in agony.
"Okay, Peeves, fun's over. Time for me to mop up."
A large mop came out in the face of the Poltergeist. Peeves just responded with a smile when staring down Deadpool and he held out the toilet plunger on the ground.
"Hey, Mr. Wilson, eat this!"
The plunger flew and smacked Deadpool onto the face. The contents of the toilet seeped in through his mask. The Mercenary picked up and took out two cleaning products and put it into the bucket. The contents of the bucket bubbled with Deadpool throwing the cleaning bucket at Peeves which caused the wall to explode. A shriek echoed from the Girl's Bathroom on the other side of the room.
"Sorry, Myrtle!" Deadpool yelled.
"Oh, I think you made her really cry. Good going, you bully!"
Peeves laughed when he zoomed out of the way. Deadpool took a deep breath as the screaming and the angst from Hogwart's resident toilet ghost escalated from the other room.
"Oh, I think I swallowed some of it," Malfoy said. "I'm going to return to the Common Room and take a show…."
Malfoy slid back and landed on his keister when he tried to escape the bathroom. Deadpool threw down some rags and some cleaning products.
"You should really mop on that mess before you go out of here. And we still got the trophy room to deal with. I think Peeves has been using slug essence on the trophies again."
Over Snape's shoulder, he stopped at the door. He saw Deadpool with his mask smeared in toilet water. He saw a half-wrecked bathroom, an exploded toilet, and Malfoy on the floor frantically scrubbing the overflowing toilet water which spilled in from the adjacent bathroom as Myrtle through a fit.
Wisely, Severus Snape turned around and returned to his Dungeon without another word or backward glance. History would declare it to be the smartest move he ever made.
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