章 37: Ghost
It's a few months later until Aosh sees Tiza again.
When Tiza never showed up for their jog the following morning, Aosh didn't think anything of it. Maybe he wasn't feeling well from the tattoo. That tended to happen. So he sent a text message, told Tiza to make sure he moisturizes his tattoo and that he would see him tomorrow; then he went about his day.
No worries.
When Aosh was alone in the park on the following day he told himself it was because it was a little overcast. Maybe Tiza didn't want to jog in the rain. So he sent him a text reminding Tiza to bring his umbrella with him when he went to work later.
No worries, there was always tomorrow.
This continued for days. Then the days turned into weeks. Texts turned into calls. All unanswered.
Aosh slowly starts to come undone.
He wonders what he's done wrong. What did he do to drive Tiza away? Was he too genuine, too forward? Did he promise too much? Every day he racks his brain for any sort of answer. It starts to consume his daily life. He finds himself still waiting at the park, at their usual meeting spot, gazing off to the horizon expecting to see a familiar face to come into view. He sits at their table in the coffee shop afterward and turns his head every time the door chimes, hoping Tiza walks through the door.
He never does.
Aosh peeks into the dance studio to catch a glimpse of the blonde during class but doesn't see him. It's as if Tiza was a ghost; not even real. Like he didn't even exist in the months that Aosh spent with him prior. Aosh asks himself if he's crazy; if he dreamed it all up. But the soft scent of ginger and chamomile linger by the studio and the back office.
A scent that Aosh has never gotten out of his head since the first time he smelt it. It grounds him and lets him know that, yes, Tiza does exist.
It doesn't make him feel better, because he feels like to Tiza he doesn't.
The Alpha is like a drying, withered husk again. Aosh's toothy grin has faded, most days the corners of his mouth don't even flinch. He can't find it in him to fake it. It hurts to smile, it's no longer genuine. Tiza must've taken all his happiness with him, wherever he went.
Daniella has tried to cheer him up often. He's thankful for her but it does little to mend the cracks spreading in his heart. On one occasion, when he is sulking in the dark of the living room, Daniella comes to him and shakes him out of his reverie.
"C'mon get up!"
"Why?"
'There's no point,' he thinks.
"We are going out," she pulls at the blanket he's wrapped in, "I'm tired of you sulking all day! He's not worth feeling sorry for yourself over!"
Aosh regards her, his eyes glazed and distant.
Tiza was worth everything to him. Aosh had been abandoned by the one person that he never wanted to leave him. He didn't know why or how, just like every time before it, but he was almost certain it was his fault. At this point, Aosh doesn't fight with himself on this subject anymore. He was always the problem. He'd cry about it if he could anymore.
Aosh doesn't answer her outburst, but just slumps against the back of the couch, defeated. A sigh threatens to escape Daniella, but instead, she climbs on the couch and wraps her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Please big guy...can you try for me?" she whispers.
"I know it's hard and you're hurt; I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to fix it. But I promise you that if you try, just a little bit, to act like things are ok it will be. I know at first it's hard to see that, but you can't move forward unless you take that first step…"
She sniffles against his sleeve, and it's then he realizes that she has been crying. Crying the tears he can't bear to shed anymore. Her tears do little to change the way that he feels but they are enough to get him to slowly get off the couch and into the bedroom to change his clothes.
................................................................................
Aosh finds things to take away the hurt.
Things to occupy his time and his thoughts so that way they don't wander towards... 'you know who'. He helps Daniella move into her new home with that Beta she works with. At first, he was very apprehensive, he wanted Daniella to be safe after all, but after finding out that Shawnee was Hunter's younger sister, Aosh relented.
At first she was reluctant as well.
"It doesn't feel right. To leave you like this. I can wait. I can tell Shawnee that I can move in later, maybe in a couple of months-"
"Daniella, please, just...it would help. Seeing you happy would help."
The last thing he wanted was to bring Daniella down with him. He'll lie to himself and say he doesnt need her here when he can't stand to be alone. Because she deserves to have this, she deserves to have her freedom in anyform that she chooses. And if that includes leaving him when he is at his weakest then so be it. Far be it from Aosh to stop her.
Hunter offers to help move things over as well. And it's only when the two men are finished and about to leave the small townhome does he pull Aosh to the side.
"Hey man, are you sure you're ok with this?"
Aosh looks between Hunter and Daniella, who is happily unboxing her things with Shawnee. Smiling seemed so foreign to him now. Impossible even. But her smile made him feel a little less empty, if only at that moment.
"I'm going to have to be."
..........................................................................
The Alpha spent more time at his parents' house. Being in the comfort and nostalgia of where he grew up and the love of his parents helped. Until they started asking questions about… 'you know who'.
"You should invite Tiza over for dinner again," Ryuji says cheerfully.
Aosh doesn't answer.
"Let's go to a baseball game! Me and your father have two extra tickets. Ask Tiza if he wants to come!" Ryuji tries another time.
Aosh doesn't answer.
At some point Ryuji understands his son's silence and doesn't ask anymore.
................................................................................
Aosh spent more time on campus since there was no one to come home to anymore. He found a nice little cafe connected to the library to do his studying instead of the deafening quiet of his apartment. He waits in line and orders a cup of dark roast. There was a table towards the back that he favored. The Alpha would lay out his textbooks and try to engross himself in his studies. The more he distracted himself the less alone he felt. As he sat there the steam that slowly rose from the cup of coffee would wane until the beverage grew lukewarm. It stayed untouched. The scent of coffee comforted him just as much as it made his heart hurt.
...................................................................
He tried, he really did, to live his life as he did before. But it was hard. It was like 'you know who' was everywhere. He was imprinted on everything Aosh did. Daily life seemed impossible and arduous. Pulling himself back together was so difficult, an ongoing battle every single day. At one point it had him wishing that he had never met his fated mate. To think that it had come to that point... he was ashamed.
Because even though he was in pain, even though he wished that none of this had ever happened, in the end...Aosh still loved him. Aosh loved him far deeper than he did before the Alpha even knew him. It was deeper, the kind of love that only comes from truly understanding who a person is, including their flaws, and loving them anyway. The kind of love that deeply roots itself into your soul, wrapping itself so intricately into who you are, that it becomes indistinguishable from yourself. The kind that's impossible to get rid of, no matter how much you want to.
And that was probably what hurt the most.
No more probably's.
It was what hurt the most.
Like an idiot all he did was give his heart out to people. Offering up his love in all its forms with no promise of it being returned. And like an idiot who never learns, his heart got ripped apart by the very hands of the people he handed it to.
Aosh loved until it ruined him.
All Aosh wanted to know was what he did, he wanted to make it better; his first instinct always being to come crawling back on his hands and knees promising to do better next time, to right whatever wrong that he did. Was it what they had talked about at his parents' house? Did Aosh scare him away with all the promises he made?
Aosh had been looking forward to doing all those things with….with.
With Tiza.
He wanted to do so many things with Tiza! But he fucked it all up! He knew he did! He felt so fragile and breakable. It was as if he was on a cliff, teetering off the edge, hoping and praying that he wouldn't fall knowing fully well that in the end he would end up in pieces at the bottom.
He wondered if he'd ever feel whole again.
.....................................................................
Aosh hadn't necessarily come to terms with the fact that he would never see Tiza again but three months of anguish had taken a toll on him. And now what he desperately wanted was closure. He knew he wouldn't be able to get face to face closure, try as he might, but he would get the closest thing that would give him some solace. Aosh still wanted to give Tiza every part of him, everything that he promised on that one day in the gazebo. Aosh was finally coming to terms that maybe this would be all he could do and that he had to move on. Out of all the things that caused him pain, moving on seemed like the least painful. It seemed like what everyone had been telling him his whole life was true.
Aosh walked to where the gym offices were for the last time and left next to the door a plant in a small pot and a note.
"To help you start your garden."
-Goodbye, A.
Pinned to the note was the photo taken of the two of them back at the arcade. The same one that Aosh kept in his wallet.
It felt very final setting the plant in front of the door. Aosh's fingers almost didn't want to leave the rim of the pot. But in the end, he had to. He had to end it for himself like Tiza had ended it months prior. Aosh tries not to listen to his intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that tell him if he was more aggressive with Tiza, pursued him more, took him during his rut that things would be different. Things would've been different, but not in a good way. Tiza was his own person and could do what he wanted, Aosh had always respected what his fated mate wanted and that wasn't going to change.
Did he have some regrets? Yes. He regrets not kissing Tiza on the last night that he saw him. He regrets not being able to cradle Tiza's face in his hands, let his fingers graze over his freckled cheeks, and kiss him like it was the only thing in the world he wanted. It might have ended things then and there, but at the very least he would've gotten that first kiss that he's been waiting for. The months of torture that followed that night might not have been.
But enough of the should've, could've, and would've.
This was it and this was his closure. Aosh told himself he would move on. As he leaves instead of feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders, he feels like he's being crushed by a thousand tons. He almost rushes out of the gym, thinking that maybe this is the last time he'll be here. There were too many memories. The college had a gym on campus anyway.
When he walks past the dance studio towards the parking lot the music playing inside makes his steps falter. A glance turns into a stare as he sees Tiza dancing in the room, wrapped in a stunning Alpha woman's arms.
クリエイターの想い 
_MBM_
_MBM_ Long time no see to all of you that have been keeping up with this book! Thank you for the support it means TONS to me!
BFTH will be coming up on its year anniversary in the next couple months and the plan is to have the book almost done by then (fingers crossed)! Don't be fooled though there is still a lot of story left here folks. So please stay tuned and check back often! Also I have been enternaining the idea of turning this book into a webtoon/webcomic so if you could I would love some feedback on the idea (or just the story in general I love comments TwT)
Much love and thank you for reading! <3
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