章 18: IV
Insecurities.
A word that drawn me into the pit of jealousy. My own weakness. The factor which can't help to think and feel – though supposed to be not. Kung bakit may parte sa'kin na takot sumubok. I retract thousand times for the reason that it scares me to death.
Same thing which the cause of my sorrow. Dullness took over, and hard to overcome with. You need to overcome, be able to say you are capable enough. The greatest antagonist of life is no other ourselves. Hindi lang desisyon ang pinipilit na nilalabanan ng bawat isa, kundi pati ang sarili natin. Envy ate our being. We aren't perfect to do things without mistakes.
"Why are you scared? Of what reason?" he asked after I say those certain which bewildered in my mind. The reason why I'm bothered though it were really simple.
"I don'…really know." Cannot utter what reason I had. It never occurred that he will ask. People around me don't try to know what I'm thinking – my side perhaps.
"Monique," staring at me intently "you can do it. Kung ano man ang rason kung bakit, don't let it be the reason why you retract."
"But…"
"Drop your what if's, tutuloy ka."
I level my gaze to him. Those green eyes which always tells me to go on. Never ever showed the thought of giving up. I don't know if I would –
"Ayo…"
"Ako naman ang pakinggan mo sa puntong 'to."
Yes, no easy. If you want to overcome, gagawin mo. Tama siya, my nonsense reason would somehow give me doubt. Determination, yes determination perhaps. That's all I have since then.
"I'm not pushing you."
"I know."
Yes, I understand his reason. At alam ko na nagpapasalamat ako sa kanya.
"Trying would be tough."
"Pero wala namang mawawala kung susubukan ko hindi ba?"
Ginulo niya ang buhok ko at ngumiti. "That's the Monique, I know." Ika niya "hindi pabigla-bigla, lahat ng mga bagay pinag-iisipan. Like how she gives a try to her real parents."
Insecurities may eat our courage but not the reason to stop. We decide and took step forward, another thing to look upon. Walang pagkakaiba. Why? Insecurities. Natatkot tayong magdesisyon na baka hindi tama. Natatakot tayong magpatuloy kasi iniisip nating sasabihin ng iba. Insecurities isn't it? Normal naman ito sa bawat tao. Hindi naman kasi nawawala ang insecurities sa reyalidad.
We set ideals, because we think it would make everything near to perfect. This ideal may drag us down. Sa mundo na halos negatibo ang nakikita, tila wala ng puwang ang tama. Kaya naman mas gustuhin nating maglagay ng ideals sa lahat ng aspeto.
"Hindi magiging madali ang lahat ng ito Lanie." Untag ko, she visited me when she knows na nakabalik na ako mula sa Negros. I tell her what happened to my three days of unwind.
"Tama naman kasi siya. Subukan mo." Kung minsan talaga ay may pagkakataong sync sila ng ideya. Well, I really don't blame though. Kahit sa ganitong paraan lang, magkasundo sila. Sa isang banda tama naman sila.
I sighed. "I don't…may bahagi sa sarili ko na takot akong subukan." Pag-amin ko, "Pero napag-isipan ko na I really have to, wala namang mawawala."
"Gaya ng sinabi niya, drop your doubts. I know you can do it."
"I try."
"Great."
Trying will not remain effortless, but knowing someone supports and believe you. I think it'll be fine – very. Though we are doubting ourselves, we still go for it. For someone who have their confidence in us – it's more than enough. Someone which don't let you feel an inferior, nevertheless encourage you much more. I was like a scaredy-cat, however I trounced my own insecurities.
Upon that realization. No one could stop you, unless you let them hinder. If you let them, your dragging yourself down. Walang mangyayari, ikaw at ikaw parin ang mahihirapan. In life, there's only you who make the best out of it. However, don't forget that God is with you. People may leave you wounded God won't. He sustained all things and you have to see the difference of being who you are. It's you who see and will ever justify that He's there always.
I am who I am. God give me something I will hereby cherish and develop. I'm thankful of all the gift He give me. Insecurities cannot stop me from flying high. A lesson which I'll forever keep no matter what people say.
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