章 46: Chapter 43: Stellar
DISCLAIMER :/// If you have depression or other mental illnesses, please refrain from reading this chapter since it might cause you triggers.
But I admit that this is badly written- I am a novice in writing... Please spare me for that... And this chapter was supposed to be italicized but webnovel doesn't have a feature like that :<<
This chapter is about Stellar's thoughts, a person battling depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.
If you ever decide to scroll down and read, you will notice that I have written 'god', not "God". Well, to address the rightful and Almighty God, I need to capitalize the first letter... But since He said that I can never use His name in vain, I have decided to use improper noun instead. This does not necessarily mean that she is adressing the author's... She have a god of her own..
Please, if you are triggered immediately, proceed to the next chapter....
And so, please enjoy and welcome to her universe.
_________
First of all, in the name of my god, I am offering my sincerest apology to each and everyone that I have known and hurt.
It must have been so hard to know me... You must have suffered greatly...
If you hate me I will understand it because
...
I hate myself too.
You are not alone in hating me.... because I have hated myself ever since the beginning of time. Ever since I ruined my own life and other's.
Please forgive me for I have sinned-
I have caused someone's pain. I am a murderer and now she's dead even though she's living. .
I have killed her hope, her innocence, her desire to live- she abhors me the most- she hates me- she hates the world, and I made her do it. I made her like that.
I don't know how to show my love to her because I have not experienced love myself.... So i pushed her away...
I should have been by her side...
I shouldn't have abandoned her when she needed me the most.
Please forgive me for I have sinned. Please forgive me for I have lived long enough to shatter many people together with their hopes.
I was named Stellar by my beautiful and loving parents- but what have I done to them? I have wrecked their kindness and destroyed their reputations! I'm the reason of their separation! I'm the reason why my beloved mama left...
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself dammit.
Me hating myself makes me hate me more. I hate myself.
Please, to anyone who can hear me- how can I love someone who have destroyed so many things- everything was peaceful before I was there! Everyone was fine until I entered their lives and destroyed them.
Oh, I'm sorry my beloved sister! I have caused you pain beyond imagination. Please forgive me for killing all your hope. Please forgive me for the pressure you feel. I know, I know I am the worst... I should have stayed by your side since we were a kid. I should have loved you and supported you. I should have not bullied you when we were younger...
Because of me, my dear god, she is suffering... She is hopeless because of me...
Because of me...
EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT....
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS? Everytime I look into the mirror, I see a monster. A horrible one. I see someone who doesn't deserve love and that kills me. Just seeing myself makes me so sad that I want to kill mys-
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry....
If I can only go back in time... I swear I'd be a more loving sister- I promise I'll be a more caring daughter... I promise that I will be gentle with myself and maybe... Just maybe... Try to love me... How great would that be- having the ability to go back in time to change my mistakes! That'd be the greatest! That'd erase all my worries right? But what is my assurance that I won't kill the past me when I go back in time? What is the assurance of my present self saving her when all my life I wanted to die?
But I cannot go back... Time machine does not exist... No matter how hard I pray...
My lord, I humbly beseech you and I wanted to be in accordance with your will. But I can't help it. Sometimes, I do things impulsively and that leaves me without any chance of pondering before I act. It all comes in a whim and I cannot control myself and my thoughts.
Please forgive me for I have sinned
..
But my god, you said that death is the consequence of sin. Please take my insignificant life now because I cannot exist anymore- I caused friends to quarrel... I caused my sister to lose heart... I caused my parents to separate....
What is more there is to my life than destruction?
My lord... Can you hear me? Can you grant me my plea? Please take my life now for I have sinned so greatly.. I'm begging you... Please.. Please.. Please.. Please.....
Is there a more hateful crime than crushing a person's hope? I don't think so.....
Some people die and leave this world... But some continues to exist lifeless.
And I made myself and my sister like that.
I am not a person worthy of life. I am not a person worthy of love and forgiveness... I don't deserve this life that I was endowed with. Just give it to those people who needed it because this world doesn't need me anymore. This world doesn't need an insignificant human being like me.
Please take my life away.. I don't need it anymore. This world doesn't need me anymore. Please listen...
H-hello?
Is- Is anyone listening?
My god, are you listening or have you abandoned me because of my conducts?
I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Please forgive me.
I don't want to destroy anything anymore.. I don't want to make people suffer anymore...
Please my dearest god... I beg you....
Everyone hates me... I hate myself too... i feel so empty... I feel so angry at myself.
Everyone is abandoning me my lord.... What should I do? HOW CAN I FIX THIS?
But... Even though I have a huge urge to fix everything, I know that I can never fix anything because I have always destroyed... Fixing isn't my thing because if so, then I should have fixed myself... Everything...
Stop crying now, my baby sister... I will do anything to make you happy... And to revive you again.
The consequence of sin. Is death.
In order to bring you back to life, my beloved sister, I shall compensate it with my death...
In order to reunite all the people I have shattered apart, I shall leave this world and leave no traces of me.
Everyone has been leaving me my god... What do i do? I don't want to be abandoned but at the same time I do things that makes people want to abandon me. I am the worst my lord...
I am..
The worst.
Why was I even brought here on earth? They say that everyone was given life because they have a mission... But... What is my mission my lord? If it is to destroy everything, I don't want it. I don't want this life. Take it now... Take it now please....
I don't want to make people suffer anymore... Please.. I'm sorry...
But....
You seem to not want to take my life away yet...
Why my lord? Why must you prolong the sufferings of the people around me?
I don't want to see them suffer because of me anymore... I don't want to hate myself more than I already do...
I thought you are not indifferent of our pains... Please.. Stop it now... Even if it is not for my sake but for the sake of the people around me...
Or....
Or have you already given me the cause of my death-- my BPD... What if you are just waiting for me to rot with my thoughts. If that is so, I will end everything... I will be the one to put an end on all the sufferings I have caused and will cause.
Mama... Papa... You must have suffered right? You must have prayed your hardest for us to get along... It must have been hard... I'm sorry Mama... I'm sorry Papa...
But from now on, no one will destroy anymore... I'll be gone and you can rebuild your relationship! That's a good thing, isn't it? Joy will finally be brought back into your lives!
And my lord... I don't know where I would end up after dying- to your side or to the other side... But as long as I could make everyone happy... As long as I could end their sufferings... That would suffice my eternal punishment.... But my lord... I can't help but be hopeful that I can be by your side.... That I can find peace in your paradise...
See you in my judgement, my god.
I humble myself before you... Please let my death be the compensation for the life of my younger sister... I'm begging you. Please.. Please.
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