章 93: Chapter Four: Steps Forward And Back Yet Again
The next day gave Michi an odd feeling. For the past several weeks, she had been making her journey to school alone. Before, she had met up with Mayu and Itsuki along the way, but thanks to her own actions, that hadn't been happening. Now though, as she approached the point they used to meet up at, the spot that had been empty for a time now had Mayu and Itsuki in it once again.
"Heya Mi-chan," Itsuki said. "Good morning," Mayu added. "Good morning you two," Michi said back in response. She couldn't help but smile. "It's been a while since we walked together like this," Itsuki said, giving voice to Michi's feelings. "Yes. It's nice that we're back together," Mayu said with a small nod.
As they walked along, Michi began making comparisons. In the time she had been apart from Mayu and Itsuki, she had made new friends. They weren't bad at all, and Michi did get along with them, but… it was different. Walking to school was the perfect example. She hadn't once done that with any of them since becoming friends. Although, Michi was sure that even if she did, it wouldn't feel the same. Being able to walk with Mayu and Itsuki just felt right.
Her thinking made her wonder if it would be possible to balance the two groups. "It would be great if they'd all get along, but it's always awkward bringing friend groups together," Michi thought. She began to worry if reuniting with Mayu and Itsuki would cause problems with her new friends. The relationships that she had with them may have been different, but they were still ones that Michi wanted to keep. They had only just begun to really form a bond. To have to abandon that would just hurt Michi's heart. "Well, it's not like anyone's making me choose either…" she thought. In the end, she decided that all she could do was hope for the best.
Approaching the school, Michi looked around for the one person missing from their group. "Is she here yet?" she wondered. Through their first year of high school, Mayu, Itsuki, Michi and Kanako had all come together at the gates, but ever since Kanako had started walking with Haruna, that had begun to vary. "Maybe they're still on their way…" she thought begrudgingly. Even if she wanted to really fix her friendship with Kanako, Michi still needed to figure out a way to deal with Haruna.
Aside from the two of them being childhood friends, Michi just didn't understand why Kanako chose to spend her time with Haruna. Regardless of her confusion though, one thing had been made clear: when asked to choose, it had been Haruna that Kanako had chosen, not her. That had caused all sorts of feelings to swirl about inside Michi, but finally, it felt like she could actually think about them.
Some deep self-reflection had helped Michi to cast away her desire to blame all of her problems on everyone else. She was also able to see just how much she had been in her own way. Really, it didn't matter why Kanako had picked Haruna over her. Michi's own attitude had been more than enough to push Kanako away on its own. If she was ever going to stand a chance of regaining Kanako as a friend, that was something that needed to change.
Unfortunately, knowing that and actually doing it were two separate issues. There had already been times in the past when Michi had wanted to talk about something, only for her mouth to say something else entirely. That had caused several arguments with Kanako, and each one had served to cause more and more damage to their fracturing friendship.
"Will I actually be able to say what I want to say this time?" Michi wondered. "Hey, Mi-chan, aren't you gonna change your shoes?" Itsuki suddenly asked. "Huh?" Michi let out. She looked at her friends, who were already about to go down the hall. Then she looked down at her feet. "Oh, right," she said upon seeing her outdoor shoes still on. "You okay Mi-chan? You got pretty quiet toward the end of our walk here," Itsuki said, concerned. "I'm fine," Michi answered. "Just thinking about some things." "If you say so…"
Mayu and Itsuki went ahead of Michi after both staring at her for a moment. "I appreciate their concern," Michi thought, "But I'm not even sure what I'd tell them if I tried to talk to them about it." While Michi's head felt clearer than it had in a while, there were still things she was trying to sort out. Primarily, the issue of Haruna.
Trying to change her own attitude already felt like enough of a challenge, but on top of that, Michi had to contend with the person she liked the least. "Haruna Endo…" she thought angrily. "If you hadn't shown up…" But as soon as she thought that, she stopped. "No…" Michi corrected herself. "Even if her showing up has caused me problems, it's not like it's entirely her fault either…"
Of course, once again, knowing that and doing something about it were two separate things. "No matter how I look at it, I just can't stand her," Michi thought. "She's rude, crass and so stupidly tall! Then there's all of the things she did to Kana-chan…"
To Michi, there was just no forgiving the Haruna she knew. To Michi, Haruna Endo was a bully and a terror to Kanako. It had seemed like Kanako just existing had been enough to irk her. Haruna insulted her relentlessly, she picked fights for no reason and she even got physically confrontational with Kanako once or twice. That was the Haruna that Michi knew.
Obviously things were different now. Haruna and Kanako seemed to get along fairly well, apparently putting all of their past differences behind them. However, while the change in Haruna should've been obvious, Michi had a hard time believing it. People don't change. In Michi's heart, that was what she believed. Seeing Haruna act the way she did now to Kanako came into direct conflict both with what Michi believed and what she knew about Haruna from before. "There's just no way she's actually nice to her now," she thought.
And yet, there was another conflict. Michi didn't think Haruna was really being nice to Kanako, but watching them together proved different. "I just don't get it," she thought, annoyed. "Endo-san is just one big jerk. How could she be nice to Kana-chan now?" It felt like something was missing. "If I just knew what it was, then maybe it would make sense…"
She wanted to dwell on that, but Michi forced herself to move on. "If I get too hung up on that again, I'll just end up back where I started," she thought. For the most part, there was really only one question she needed to consider: how was she going to co-exist with Haruna while being friends with Kanako? "I really don't want us to be at each other's throats every time we're around each other."
Was there a way? At the moment, Michi couldn't see it. As long as she viewed Haruna through a past lens, there was no way she'd be able to figure out a way to be around her peacefully. "If only she wasn't so mean," Michi thought. "Then maybe I'd be able to change my mind about her."
After all, it clearly wasn't impossible. Michi had once hated Chiyo, and now she called her a friend. It was hard for Michi to even understand how that had happened, but it had happened nonetheless. Considering that was the case, was there a possibility that she could have a similar change of heart about Haruna? "...That seems unlikely," she quickly concluded. The situations were different. When it came to Chiyo, it had mostly been an issue of just not understanding her. With Haruna, Michi already felt like she had a good grasp on what kind of person she was. If she already knew that and knew that their personalities wouldn't mesh, then was there really any hope at all?
Michi wanted to be friends with Kanako again. She was sure of that, but she also wondered how good her odds were. Changing her attitude was already a sizable hurdle, and then there was Haruna to deal with too. Adding to those was also one more issue. Even if Michi managed to rid herself of her bad habits and even if she managed to figure out a way to get along with Haruna, there was still the question of if Kanako would even be willing to give it a shot.
Ever since their explosive argument in front of the school, Michi had spoken to Kanako only a handful of times, and of those times, only one or two of those conversations could really be considered "meaningful." For Michi, that was mostly because of how clear Kanako had been. She was choosing Haruna, and it was because of Michi and how she had acted. If Michi managed to change her attitude, then she believed she'd have a better chance, but… there was doubt. What if that change didn't come across to Kanako? What if, just like Michi couldn't see Haruna differently, Kanako saw Michi the same way?
"No, that's probably wrong," Michi thought. Thinking back to last summer, it had been Kanako who had brought up the topic of change in the first place when they had spoken at Mayu's house. Clearly she thought more about people changing than Michi did. Although, that night had turned out to be one of many detrimental fights. "I wish I could take all of those moments back…" Michi thought regretfully.
She didn't believe her words were wrong. Perhaps too brash and blunt, Michi always meant what she said. However, it was how she said it that made all the difference. If she disagreed with someone, she might shout when she should've tried stay calm. If someone bothered her, she might lash out instead of brushing it off. If someone was wrong, she'd- "Hang on," Michi stopped. "Am I… just hot-headed?" The thought itself wasn't that revolutionary, as Michi knew she lacked patience and the ability to compromise, but having that flaw pointed out so blatantly by her own thoughts made her reel a bit.
If that was the case, then would she really be able to approach Kanako differently than she had before? With that surely being one of the requirements to fixing their friendship, if Michi failed, then there'd be no way Kanako would ever give her another chance. "Then again, it's not like me changing my attitude is a guarantee to get her to talk to me either…"
Now seated in class, her eyes drifted to the girl she once called her best friend. Idly, she wondered who would qualify for that role now. "I don't think it'd really be Mayu-chan or Itsuki-chan," Michi thought. "Definitely not the girls from the school trip either. We haven't known each other that long. So then that leaves… wait…" She paused, then let out a long sigh. "I can't believe it… Right now the only person that fits is Chiyo…"
Currently, Chiyo could be called Michi's best friend, but it was certainly different than how it had been when Michi had been able to call Kanako her best friend. With Chiyo, Michi always felt both on-edge and comfortable, but with Kanako, it was just calmness. They had plenty of fun together, and their relationship was never rocky. That is, until recently.
How long had it been since Michi had been able to feel that calmness she once had while with Kanako? Or perhaps the better question was, how long had it been since she had felt anything truly positive about Kanako? Ever since their fighting, Michi's mind had been filled with nothing but blame for others and Kanako, along with her own venting. Now that she was looking at things a little more clearly, those past feelings only served to increase her guilt.
"Kana-chan, I'm-" she began to think, but then she stopped. "Sorry" would've been the rest, but Michi knew just thinking it meant nothing. Finally, quietly, a genuine desire to apologize began to form within her. Michi had begun to accept her own faults and to see her own mistakes as truly her own. She felt regret about her past actions and words and was beginning to want to make up for them. Her anger at Haruna and her own stubbornness were still present, but when put on a scale, the balance was starting to tip in the other direction.
"I need to talk to her," Michi thought. "But how do I do that without making the same mistakes that I have in the past?" After all, this wasn't the first time that Michi had tried to talk to Kanako about what she thought about what Kanako was doing. This time though was different, as Michi was really thinking things through now instead of just thinking about herself. But to Kanako, she wouldn't be able to tell that at first glance. If Michi approached her and just said "I need to talk to you," Kanako would definitely turn her down. Knowing that, Michi tried to find a more casual way.
Her initial idea had been to just ask Kanako to hang out, but Michi wondered if Kanako would even agree to that. "It's so out-of-the-blue," she thought. "And we've barely spoken for months. Would she actually say yes?" Then Michi shook her head. "I should at least try." With her mind made up, she went back to listening to the lecture.
*****
Time would prove to be unkind to Michi. Over the next week, every attempt she made to talk to Kanako failed. What made it worse was that they could hardly be called attempts. At lunch, Kanako would dash off somewhere. After school, she would skip club and seemingly go home right away. Even before class wasn't an option, as Kanako would look all over the place for something. "Seriously, what has she been up to?" Michi had wondered with frustration.
It was about a day before that she finally found out. Deciding to get a bit more aggressive, Michi had started to follow Kanako. Surprisingly, she was hard to keep up with. "It's not like Kana-chan in unathletic, but since when did she move this fast?" she thought. Regardless, Michi did her best to try to catch her, and it was through that process that she caught what it was Kanako had been saying. "Harunaaa," she heard the girl call. It wasn't loud, as Kanako wasn't trying to make a scene, but with the quiet hallways they were in, Michi could hear it clearly. "She's been looking… for Endo-san?"
The discovery made Michi reel a bit. "Come on, seriously?" she thought. "I'm out here trying to talk to her, and she's trying to find Endo-san? What kind of joke is that?" However, just as she was starting to get riled up, Michi put a stop to it. "No! This is just like before! If I start putting all of my energy into being mad about Endo-san again, I'll just end up back at square one. I need to focus. All that matters is talking to Kana-chan."
Then, that day, Michi caught a break. While going through one of the lesser-traveled halls on the first floor of the building, Kanako spotted Haruna in the distance. At the same time, Michi saw Kanako stop. "This is my chance!" she thought, and so in a loud voice, she called out to Kanako.
*****
A week earlier, Kanako had decided to chase after Haruna, even if Haruna was going to avoid her. "If I could just catch her for a moment, it'd be enough," Kanako thought, although she wondered if it really would be. When that time came, would she be able to say what she wanted to say? She felt sure now, but what about when the moment was upon her? Most important of all, could she get Haruna to stay still long enough for her to even speak?
It was questions such as these that plagued Kanako as she continued her pursuit. The second day had very similar results to the first, with Haruna being nowhere to be found. On the third day, Haruna was at least on time for school, but Kanako was sure she had taken a different route, because Haruna had been nowhere to be found in the morning.
Lunch and after school were both much the same. During lunch time, Kanako would try to move fast, but somehow Haruna always beat her and escaped her classroom. So then for the first half of lunch, Kanako would roam the halls, calling out Haruna's name in a volume that wouldn't disturb the people around her. "Harunaaa," she said, but groaned to herself at the same time. "It sounds like I'm looking for a dog…" she thought.
Where exactly it was Haruna disappeared to, Kanako had no idea, but she had learned one thing during her few days of futility. It was clear that Chiyo and Jasmine were helping Haruna. There was no other explanation, considering Haruna couldn't be doing it on her own. That also made sense considering the three of them were friends, but it made Kanako wonder what was going on. She had thought they were both trying to help Kanako and Haruna get together, but now their behavior seemed contradictory.
When it came to after school, Kanako had started skipping club so she could look for Haruna. The idea of Haruna just hiding out somewhere in the building and dodging Kanako sounded kind of ridiculous to her, but it also seemed unlikely that Haruna could take the fastest route out of the building without Kanako noticing. So, she kept looking everywhere. Hallways, club rooms, even the teacher's lounge, but she was never where Kanako searched.
"How does she keep avoiding me?" Kanako wondered, but her mind quickly went back to Chiyo and Jasmine. "Right. It's probably those two." It was beginning to seem like if Kanako wanted to make any progress, she'd have to talk to the two residents gyarus of Iwanai Municipal High School.
The next day, she did exactly that. "Chiyo," Kanako said, catching the gal's attention. "Oh, mornin' Kana-chan!" she said happily. "I want to ask you something," Kanako said, getting straight to the point. "Oh?" Chiyo let out. "Are you and Jasmine-chan helping Haruna avoid me?" Kanako asked point-blank.
"Hmm," Chiyo said, making a face like she had to think about it. "Wellll, kinda? Like, it's not like we're carrying Haru-chi on our shoulders and rushin' her outta the school." "That doesn't really answer my question," Kanako said, which caused Chiyo to become a little more serious. "Kana-chan," she began. "I promise there's no big conspiracy happening here or anything. All we're doing is helpin' Haru-chi navigate all the hiding spots so she can escape a little easier."
"But why?!" Kanako exclaimed. It didn't make sense to her. "Aren't you on my side?" "Of course I am," Chiyo said. "But I'm also on Haru-chi's." Then Chiyo paused, trying to decide if she should go on or not. "...She's scared, Kana-chan. She's afraid you're gonna hurt her." "But I won't! I… I love her…" Kanako said, trailing off.
"I know, Kana-chan…" Chiyo said with a weak smile. "But Haru-chi… she doesn't know any of that. Right now, she's just this scared girl who''s afraid of getting rejected by her crush. Don't'cha think it's understandable she'd want to avoid you?" "…"
Kanako couldn't say anything in response. She knew Chiyo was right, and with the way Kanako had been chasing after Haruna, she was probably just making it worse. "Am I… hurting her just by chasing her?" Kanako asked. She felt like she could cry.
"Don't make that face Kana-chan," Chiyo said warmly. "Haru-chi will come around. She just needs some time to figure some things out. And… y'know, it probably wouldn't hurt if you gave her a nudge her or two, just to show her how ya feel." "How am I supposed to do that when you're helping her avoid me?" Kanako asked, somewhat annoyed. "Love isn't a sprint Kana-chan. It's a marathon," Chiyo said, and with that, she began walking away. "Wait, Chiyo! I don't get it!" Kanako called after her, but the gal didn't stop. "Ugh…" she groaned. "What now? Should I stop trying to catch Haruna every day? But it feels like that's all I can do…"
At lunch, Kanako joined Hinami on the staircase they had used several times now. Sitting with her upper body folded over her legs, Kanako let out a loud sigh. "U-Um," Hinami let out. "I-Is something wrong K-Kana-chan?" Next to her, Kanako sat up. "Yeah…" she moaned. "Haruna keeps avoiding me, Chiyo and Jasmine-chan are helping her do it, and I have no idea what to do anymoreeee." "O-Oh," Hinami said. "S-Sounds complicated." Dramatically, Kanako flopped back down and buried her face in her knees. "It is complicated…" her muffled voice said.
Continuing to chase after Haruna could just make her fear worse. And yet, Chiyo also said that Kanako should show her feelings to Haruna through "little nudges," whatever that meant. But, Chiyo was also helping Haruna escape. "I'm so confused…" Kanako muttered. "E-Eating might help you f-feel better," Hinami suggested. Not wanting to think anymore, Kanako took Hinami's advice and started eating her lunch, but it barely had any taste.
What did Chiyo mean? What was a little nudge for feelings? To Kanako, someone who always went full-force when it came to love, doing things little by little sounded very difficult. Although, when she thought about it, she wondered if that was the right way to describe herself. "Maybe it's more accurate to say I'm in love full-force, but I'm not always honest or selfish enough…" It was hard for Kanako to find a middle ground when it came to love, which was what made understanding Chiyo's advice so difficult.
"I guess for now, all I can keep doing is what I'm doing now, at least until I figure out what Chiyo meant," Kanako mumbled. "D-Do your best K-Kana-chan!" Hinami suddenly said, giving little fist pumps of encouragement. Kanako laughed a little. "Thanks Hinami-chan."
Once lunch was over, Kanako went back to her classroom. "I'll catch Haruna and get her to listen," she thought, determined. Chiyo's advice wasn't sinking in thanks to Kanako's confusion. Deciding to take the same approach she was already using was the best that Kanako could come up with. When the school day ended, she put that same plan into action, and once again, she got the same results.
Failure after failure after failure. Kanako kept trying and every time she got a poor result. So far, the closest she had come was seeing Haruna changing her shoes in the morning, but as soon as Kanako had called out to her, Haruna had run away. "It's like trying to catch a wild animal…" she thought, annoyed.
However, a couple of days later, Kanako got her best chance yet. After walking through several hallways, she was about to call it a day when she spotted a waving of jet-black hair up ahead of her. Since she was about to head home, Kanako had gotten to the first floor, and there down the hall was Haruna, near a set of doors. "There she is!" Kanako thought ecstatically. "Finally! I better hurry before she gets away!"
Gathering herself, Kanako prepared to take off. "I'll run up to her as fast as I can. With how her ankle is now, I should be able to catch her!" Kanako felt a little bad for taking advantage of Haruna's injury, but she didn't want to waste the opportunity that had appeared before her. So, while going to take a massive beginning stride, Kanako called out. "Haru-"
"Kana-chan!"
Her foot slammed back down onto the tile. At the same time, Haruna walked out the doors. "She's gone…" Kanako thought dejectedly. She was about to whip around and scold whoever it was that had interrupted her, but as soon as she turned, Kanako froze. Now in front of her eyes was a girl about the same height as her. Her golden blond hair was mostly tied up into two separate, tight buns that sat on either side of her head, but the two strands, one from each bun, hung loosely and swayed after her stopped movements. Her purple eyes shone in the light coming in through the window next to her, adding to the strong personality Kanako knew the girl had.
"Mi...chan?" she uttered. It had been awhile since Michi had called out to Kanako. Confusion tore through her. What did she want? Why was she here? Shouldn't she be in club? "Did she see Haruna up ahead and stop me from going after her?" Kanako thought, starting to jump to conclusions. But, before she could go any further, Michi spoke.
"Um… h-hey," she said awkwardly. It was weird. Bizarre. So different from what Kanako was expecting. For months now, Kanako had come to expect Michi to be an angry, loud girl who kept making unreasonable demands. Kanako hated to think of her like that, but it had unfortunately become her impression of the girl due to her actions. Now though, for a second, Kanako thought she saw the Michi she had once known.
"So, listen…" she said. "Um, this is probably going to sound kind of weird, but… would you… I don't know…" She started to trail off, but then clenched one of her hands into a fist as if steeling herself. "Would you wanna hang out on Saturday?"
The question had come out fast, but Kanako didn't miss a word. "Satur...day?" she repeated. Her mind was still trying to process what was happening. It was weird enough that Michi had approached her without any hostility, but now she was inviting her out to spend time together? "Mi-chan," Kanako said. "W-What's going on?" "Huh?" Michi let out. "I just want to hang out with you, that's all." "...Seriously?" Kanako said heavily.
Turning to completely face Michi, Kanako stared at her. "Are you serious Mi-chan?" It was clear from her tone that she was both in disbelief and… angry. "After all this time, after everything you've said to me and Haruna… you just want to 'hang out' like nothing has happened?"
Then, to add more shock to Kanako's system, Michi bowed. Deeply.
"Please," she said. "I know things have been… bad between us, but… I want to fix it. So please give me a chance Kana-chan." Michi then fell silent, waiting for Kanako's reply. She didn't raise her head. She waited, frozen in her position.
As for Kanako, she was at a loss. Would it really be okay if she spent time with Michi again? It wasn't like Kanako didn't want anything to do with her. In fact, it was quite the opposite. She wanted to be friends with Michi again too. However, the past showed her nothing but fighting. If she said yes here, would it just be more of the same?
It was obvious that something had changed. In all of their past encounters like these, Michi had never once bowed her head and asked sincerely. Perhaps that meant this time really would be different. That was what Kanako wanted to believe. Hesitation ran rampant inside of her, but she did her best to push it away. "If I don't take this chance now, I feel like Mi-chan and I may never speak again," she thought.
Kanako stared at Michi, who was still bowed. "...okay," she said quietly. "This Saturday." Michi stood up straight, eyes wide before relaxing. "Thank you, Kana-chan." Then she turned away and left, leaving Kanako dumbfounded. "Will this… really be okay?" she wondered.
*****
"This… is really getting ridiculous…" Haruna thought. Over and over again she had managed to avoid Kanako thanks to Chiyo and Jasmine's help. "If they weren't keeping an eye out and telling me where Kanako was, not to mention telling me about the less-traveled routes in the school, she definitely would've caught me by now." While that was true, Haruna still couldn't help being aware of the situation. "I feel like an idiot for running away like this all the time."
However, her fear practically demanded it. Even if Haruna gathered up the courage to stay put, as soon as Kanako got close, she was sure her legs would carry her away. For more than a week now, she had kept avoiding Kanako, and with each of those passing days, more and more regret built up in her heart.
Finally, on January 21, a Thursday, Haruna's birthday arrived. She was sure she had never felt worse on her birthday. "I hardly even care this year," she thought. Truthfully, she had imagined potentially being able to spend her birthday with Kanako, just like how she had done for her back in September. Unfortunately, Haruna's current circumstances essentially made that impossible. "Geez, this sucks," she thought. "Why do I have to make myself so miserable?"
Along the walk home from school that day, Haruna thought back on the days events. "Well, aside from avoiding Kanako, I guess today wasn't too bad." Chiyo and Jasmine had both wished her a happy birthday and told her to keep this coming Saturday free. "They said they want to take me somewhere, but hearing that from the two of them kinda worries me…" Haruna thought.
As Haruna thought about her future plans, she heard a voice in the distance. "Huh? Is someone-" she began to wonder, but as she looked around, she saw something (or rather someone) that made her stop. Now standing just in front of her house, Haruna stared wide-eyed as she watched a girl run toward her. "Oh no," she panicked inside. "Harunaaa, wait!" Kanako called.
Everything inside of Haruna screamed at her to run, but this time, she was too late. By the time she made the motion to do so, Kanako was nearly to her. "Just wait!" she cried. Haruna couldn't move fast enough. Before she knew it, Kanako was reaching out to grab her by the wrist. "No… stop… I'm not ready yet…!" she thought.
"Don't come near me!"
The words flew out of Haruna's mouth before she had time to think. "Wait… that's not what I meant to say…" she thought. "H-Haruna?" Kanako uttered, her hand stopping just short of reaching her.
"I can't… talk to you right now…"
"What am I saying? I want to hear what she has to say!" Haruna yelled at herself.
"I can't stand to hear you reject me…"
"Please tell me your answer!" she thought in contradiction.
"So please, just… go away…"
"Stay…"
Every word that Haruna said was the opposite of what she wanted. Her fear took over her speech, forcing her true feelings to remain trapped inside her. "No, I didn't mean that! Just let me take it back!" Haruna tried to scream, but her mouth would no longer move. "Oh… I see…" Kanako said quietly. The pain on her face pierced Haruna's heart. "Don't make that face…" she thought. "Please don't make that face… it's killing me…" And it hurt all the more because Haruna knew it was all her fault.
"I guess… I'll just… go…" Kanako said slowly, turning at a speed that matched her words. Before she completed that turn though, she glanced back. "There are so many things I want to say to you Haruna, but… I'll just say this. Happy birthday…"
"Ah…" Haruna let out. She wanted to reach out and stop Kanako from leaving, but her arms wouldn't listen. She wanted to run over to her and hug her from behind, but her legs were locked in place. No matter what she wanted, her wishes were not granted. All she was allowed to do was watch as Kanako walked away from her. "What have I done?" she thought.
Her heart was a wreck. Had she just destroyed any chance of hearing the rest of what Kanako was going to say? "Please don't let this be the last time…" she thought. "Even if she is rejecting me… no, even if there's a really slim chance she feels the same way I do, then please… try again. Don't give up on this Kanako."
It was a bizarre plea, and a selfish one. Begging her crush to not give up on her even when she herself was pushing her away felt awful. But, with the state Haruna was in, it felt like it was all she could do. Perhaps though, she had noticed something. Through Kanako's relentless pursuits, a change had begun to occur inside Haruna. It was small and slow, but bit by bit, Haruna's heart was opening up more and more to the idea of hearing Kanako out. The fear inside her was still strong, but Haruna felt that with enough time, and maybe enough persistence from Kanako, she'd be able to finally hear the rest of that sentence from Christmas night.
Kanako chasing after her scared her, but it also made her feel happy too. With such a strong contradiction, it was only a matter of time until one side complete beat the other. If Kanako kept coming around, it was very possible that Haruna's happiness could win out. "If that happened, and Kanako really did feel the same way about me, then I… would be so happy…"
For now, all Haruna could do was hope. The fight she had ahead of her felt long and hard, but with Kanako's help (albeit unknowingly) maybe, just maybe it would be possible for her to move forward.
End of Chapter Four.
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