章 26: The Devil in Me Ch. 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Noah:
My eyes remained steady on Raisa.
She stood there staring back at me, a bit of confusion mixed with her trying to appear seductive.
Did she forget that I hated her?
To pick this girl over my mate?
This was clearly a fucking joke.
"So?" I asked.
"I shouldn't have to spell it out for you," she said, "We're both consenting adults."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"You really think I'll give in to that bullshit?"
She looked irritated.
"I told you from day one I didn't want to fuck you," I stated, "Why do you always show up in front of me when I'm at my weakest?"
"I have eyes," she stated, "And I have ears."
"Just because you have a hole doesn't mean I'm going to fuck you anymore," I hissed.
What was the matter with me?
I was angry, and I was hurt.
Raisa was going to get all of it.
She just stared at me.
It didn't look like my words phased her.
"You say that now," she shrugged.
"I'll keep saying it," I stated.
A grin dominated her once stoic face.
"Like I said," she said, "You aren't the first pent-up Devil in the program."
Do others really seek comfort outside of their mate once they find them?
That sounded ridiculous to me.
Then again, I probably wouldn't have put much thought into it either way before.
The pull towards Shay was too strong.
Even the thought of touching someone else made me sick.
"Are you finished?" I asked her.
"I don't have to be," she said.
"Get out," I said flatly.
"Don't be such a girl," Raisa spat, "Suddenly you find your mate, and now you're too good for me?"
"No," I said.
I didn't even have to think about it.
"She is better than you," I stated, "She is better than me."
She made a disgusted face.
"She deserves better than me," I stated, "I'm going to make sure that one day I do deserve her."
Raisa just stood there shaking her head slightly.
"She is human," she stated, "How many Devils have you heard of actually stayed with their mate?"
I opened my mouth to answer, but I didn't know.
How many Devils were with their mate after the program?
Eileen was one of the few I knew about that was mated to a human.
They were probably only still together because of who he is.
Brian is Dr. Olsen's son.
Oh god.
I felt the trembling in my legs as the thought crossed my mind.
What if Shay and I were only meant to be together for a short while?
What if I was only able to be with her to produce a child?
"Now do you understand?" Raisa asked.
I didn't even have the chance to respond.
My hand was around her throat.
"Oh baby," Raisa moaned, "You know I like it rough."
Her words made me nauseous.
"You don't know what will happen," I said, "A Devil and a human could be together."
The way she stared at me told me she doubted that.
"Let's say you were right," she said.
My hand slipped from her neck.
"You have these strong animalistic urges to take her," she said, "How long can her human body handle you?"
I found myself laughing, "Is that all?"
I would ache, but I wouldn't take her like that. I didn't doubt that.
We would have time to figure out a safe way to be together.
"And if you do have kids?" she asked.
"Since when is having children together a bad thing?" I asked.
She sighed, "How fucking stupid are you?"
I was honestly confused.
"Do you not remember how you grew up?" Raisa hissed, "We were all raised like orphans."
"We had our parents," I stated.
"No," Raisa shook her head, "We had one, our Devil parent, or our Alpha parent."
I wanted to argue with her, but I couldn't.
I never met my father.
Hell, I don't even know his name.
"Do you really think they would let her stick around to raise a Devil child?" she asked, "She would have to give up her rights as their mother."
"What the fuck are you even talking about?"
"All the shit they do to us," she said, "Do you think they ask permission?"
It hit me hard.
She was right.
They have to have Shay sign all these different papers to protect her rights. I've never had to sign anything.
My child would be the same.
If Shay were there, she wouldn't allow it. They would need to ask permission before they hurt our child.
Our child.
My chest actually hurt at the thought.
I wanted that with her.
I wanted a family.
Fuck.
"You're a lot dumber than you look," Raisa stated, "You've been here this long, and you didn't even know that?"
I didn't want to know.
Part of me didn't think I'd ever find my mate.
It was never something I had to think about.
Eileen and her children would be taken care of. I wasn't worried about that.
I didn't think I would ever have kids of my own, not after what happened before.
Raisa stood there, shaking her head.
"You doe-eyed idiot," she said, "I thought you were different."
I glared at her.
"I never claimed to be," I stated.
"You hated everything about this place," she said, "I thought it would be you and me at the end of all of this bullshit."
"Are you joking?" I asked, "Even if I hated this place and wanted out, why the fuck would I ever choose you?"
"You've chosen me before," she stated.
Obviously, but I didn't have very many options.
"You don't have to worry about that happening again," I stated.
"And when your mate leaves you?" she asked.
I actually had to pause to think about it.
My mouth opened, but nothing came out.
She just stared back at me.
I felt like I knew the answer, but it felt wrong.
"What?" she asked, "Don't you know?"
My eyes met hers, and I held her gaze.
"Noah?" she asked.
Her expression changed, and she looked a little worried.
It felt like the only answer.
I don't know how Baird does it.
His mate died. How?
When? How long ago?
The idea of being away from Shay is painful.
Not just painful physically, but mentally as well.
"I'd die," I said flatly.
Shay:
Damn it.
I tried my best to get some sleep, but I couldn't.
My body hurt from how exhausted it was. I ran home, and I even ended up going for another run when I couldn't settle these feelings down.
I wanted to be so exhausted to the point I couldn't think.
So much for that.
My body hurt too much to move, and all I could do was think about pointless shit.
I felt guilty about how I left things.
The feelings I had felt almost irrational.
How can I feel like I love another person I don't even know?
I just met this boy a little over a month ago.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I wanted to run back to the facility and beg him to hold me.
Things should be easier if we distanced ourselves a little.
I think we only feel this way because of how quickly we've been moving.
Of course this attraction was real, and fucking hell, it is strong.
I couldn't explain how strong the pull to Noah was.
Just thinking about him made me want to be near him, touching him.
I was perfectly content with just having his hand in mine.
The skin contact was nice. It felt reassuring.
I frowned.
More than anything, I hoped that he was alright.
Baird would have called me if something changed, right?
I nodded fiercely.
He promised he would.
Baird does not lie. Noah told me that himself.
I glanced over at my phone on the nightstand.
It was charging, and I hoped that I didn't miss anything important.
No notification popped up. So, I think I am in the clear.
My phone buzzed, and it felt strange.
It was like all my focus on the device made it ring.
I grabbed it so that I could turn it to its side so I could see the screen.
I had a text message from Jody.
From: Jody – 'Hey, is everything okay?'
My eyes lingered on the words while I thought about it.
"No," I mumbled out loud.
Part of me wanted to call her and tell her about everything.
Only part of me, though.
I felt like this was too much right now to involve another person.
Jody gives excellent advice, there is no doubt about that.
There are already too many emotions flying around, and there are only two of us. Adding a third or a fourth would only complicate things.
I would make sure to talk to her about it once I figured something out.
To: Jody – 'All good babe, thank you.'
She responded faster than I expected her to.
From: Jody – 'Did you make it home alright?'
To: Jody – 'I'm home right now yeah. How was your meeting with Delaney?'
I had to change the subject before she started asking more questions about Noah.
I wasn't even really sure what to say about it.
My phone went off.
From: Jody – 'It went good. Too good actually.'
Huh?
To: Jody – 'Too good? What the hell? Explain yourself woman.'
I wasn't even there and I could feel her hesitation.
From: Jody – 'I want more, and I'm scared.'
I didn't like that I knew exactly how she felt.
I didn't want to have this conversation through unspoken words.
To: Jody – 'Can you come over?'
From: Jody – 'Can I? I didn't want to ask after what happened today.'
She was worried about that?
To: Jody – 'Get your ass over here.'
From: Jody – 'I'll be there in ten.'
I smiled to myself.
At least we weren't alone in all of this.
I know I yelled at Noah about not being able to talk to anyone about him, but it was mostly true.
If Andre asks me where I am, what the fuck am I supposed to say?
What about these fucking feelings?
How am I just supposed to tell him that I'm in love with a boy he's never met? A man he's never even heard the name of.
A boy I barely knew myself.
I was only getting myself more upset.
Valentine.
Noah's last name.
I assume Eileen's last name too.
Was it the last name of their mother or their father?
Were they even the product of the same parents?
I had too many questions. They weren't even important.
A light knock pulled me out of my thoughts.
Jody opened the door and smiled lightly at me.
Holy shit, has it really been that long already?
I glanced at my phone to see the time.
11:46 PM.
Her last text was sent nearly twenty minutes ago.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
I nodded as I sat up.
"You sure?" she asked, "You don't look so good."
I just smiled lightly, "Damn, rude."
She laughed, "After a day like yours, I'm surprised you look as good as you do."
A day like mine? How much does she know?
"Jody?" I asked.
She took off her jacket before she met my gaze, "What's up?"
I watched her kick off her shoes before sitting next to me on the bed.
"How well do you know Delaney?" I asked.
She made a face while she thought about it.
"Well, I know more than I would in a normal relationship by this time," she stated, "But I'd like to think I know him enough."
"Do you know his last name?" I asked.
She smiled, "Delaney Ford."
I nodded.
"Did you not know Noah's last name?" she asked.
I hesitated before nodding.
"Didn't you get that out of the way at the beginning?"
I shook my head, "We technically met before, so our introduction wasn't what it was supposed to be."
She made a face, "You're right. I already forget about that."
I honestly didn't know what to do.
This whole thing really is a lot.
"What is it?" Jody asked.
Part of me really wanted to tell her, and the other part wanted some more time to think.
My eyes just locked with hers. No words would come out.
"Honey," Jody said, "Tell me."
Where would I even begin?
There were already so many things that happened.
I took in a deep breath.
She sat there patiently, waiting for me to find the right words.
Then the words left me before I even realized what they were
"The seizures are because of me."
She stared back at me, and her disbelief showed on her face.
"How?" she asked, "Says who?"
"The doctor," I stated.
"How is it your fault?" she asked.
I could hear the anger in her voice.
"Nobody is saying that I am causing them," I was quick to correct, "He can't sleep, and Dr. Booth said that being apart too long is causing seizures."
She frowned, "Is it fucked up to think that's a little sweet?"
I shook my head, "It doesn't feel too sweet."
"Maybe this is a sign," she said, "The special mate program."
I frowned at her words.
"I know it feels scary," she said, "But we won't be in it alone."
I nodded slowly.
"I can't even imagine the kind of stuff they've had to go through before all this," she said.
Was it wrong that I never once put much thought into what went on there before?
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I just mean," she hesitated, "Delaney told me some stuff, and I don't know how to feel about it."
"What kind of stuff?"
She bit her lip, "He told me more about Dr. Gardiner, and then a bit about what his childhood was like there."
I felt a pang of jealousy.
She might actually know way more about her mate than I do about mine.
"Dr. Gardiner was a monster," she said, "I don't know what happened to him or what made them finally replace him, but good riddance."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
Of course I knew that Baird recently found out about Gardiner. Other than that, I don't know much.
"Well," Jody frowned, "Delaney told me that Dr. Gardiner tried to rape his sister."
My body shook at her words.
Isn't Delaney's sister a Devil?
If he'd try that with someone that can most definitely hurt him, I could only imagine what could have happened if I had met with him.
"What?" I gasped, "How long ago?"
"He said it was a few years ago," she said, "But they were told by someone else there that it didn't matter. They don't even have the same freedoms that we do."
That pissed me off.
Is that why he was gone now? Was it because he sounded like he wanted to meet with me?
That wouldn't be enough to replace an actual doctor, would it?
"How did you know about Dr. Gardiner?" she asked, "Did Noah tell you about him?"
I guess I just needed to spit it out then.
"I spoke with him shortly," I admitted.
"What the fuck?" she gasped, "When? He didn't try to do anything to you, did he?"
"About a week ago," I said, "Baird called me and asked me to come in."
"To see Dr. Gardiner?" she asked.
I shook my head.
"Noah hadn't slept in a while," I said, "Baird thought I might be able to help him."
She glared at me, "Why am I only hearing about this now?"
"I know, and I'm sorry," I said, "I just wasn't sure what to say."
"I'll give you shit for it later," she said, "Keep going."
"Well," I said, "I was in Noah's room, and…"
"Wait just one damn minute," she interrupted me, "You were alone in a room with
Noah?"
I hesitated before nodding.
She frowned, "I guess I get why you didn't say anything."
"I'm sorry."
I really did feel bad. Not only for keeping it from her.
"Man," she pouted, "I'm jealous."
If only she knew everything that happened.
"While I was there trying to help him sleep," I said, "Dr. Gardiner turned on the camera in the room and started to talk to me."
She held up a hand, "I have so many questions."
I nodded.
"Help him sleep how?" she asked.
"This might sound a little strange," I said, "But for some reason when I touch him, it calms him down."
"Touch him?" she asked.
I reached for her hand to hold it, "Skin contact, it's weird that it actually works."
"Okay," she said, "Interesting development."
"Shut up," I said.
She grinned.
"What did Dr. Gardiner say?" she asked.
"He mentioned something about me not having a physical in a while." I stated, "And that I should meet with him."
She made a disgusted face, "Then what?"
"I told Baird," I said, "And then Noah told Baird to look into Gardiner."
"When did you say this happened?" she asked.
"About a week ago."
She looked like she was thinking about something.
"Baird must have found something," she said, "But did it seem like he knew before?"
I shook my head, "When Noah told him, it sounded like Baird didn't know what was going on."
"Well, thank God either way," she said, "Baird must have gotten him booted."
I nodded.
"You said there was a camera in his room?" she asked.
I nodded.
She sighed, "That must be hard."
I nodded again.
Not only having zero privacy but also having your vitals monitored.
Was anyone even able to have a secret to themselves?
"Was he able to get some sleep?" she asked.
"Yeah," I said, "But not much."
"Oh?" she asked, "Was there more?"
I had to look away from her.
"Shay, Shay, Shay," she said, "What on earth did you do?"
I didn't know what to say.
"I get it," she said after a minute, "Some things should be kept to yourself."
"It isn't like that," I said.
"You can tell me when you're ready," she said.
I didn't deserve her.
"Jody," I said.
"What's up?" she said.
"I know it is too soon to say anything," I admitted, "But I can't help it."
She didn't say anything. She only waited.
"I think I love him," I said.
Noah:
I stared at the white ceiling.
The only thing I could hear was the beeping of machines and the occasional pump of medication.
They had to special order medication to stop my seizures.
I was surprised that it was even working.
It made me wonder why they dragged Shay down here in the first place if they could just stick me with an IV, and they would go away.
Why was it even bothering me? It gave me a reason to see Shay.
My chest hurt when I thought about her.
A light knock on the door pulled my thoughts away before I spiraled.
Baird cleared his throat once he was inside the small room.
I sat up to look at him.
"You do not have to get up on my account," he said, "You need rest."
The seizures may have stopped, but the sleep still has yet to come.
I just sat there looking at him.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
I only shook my head.
"Dr. Booth informed me about what happened yesterday with Shay," he said, "Would you like to talk about it?"
I shook my head again.
There was a rare awkwardness in the air.
Baird didn't usually feel it necessary to comfort me like this.
"Is there something that I can do?" Baird asked.
How the fuck should I know? I just wanted her here.
At the same time, I didn't want to need her.
"Tell me about your mate," I said, "If you don't mind talking about him."
Baird made a pained face.
"Was it that hard?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
"Was he human?" I asked.
Baird moved to sit on the tan armchair in the corner.
"No, he was not human," he said, "He was Classification F."
I felt a sting behind my eyes.
It was for Baird, no doubt. I didn't even know the details.
I also didn't have to.
F Classification was a hard one to deal with.
"How long ago?" I asked.
Baird looked to the side as if in thought.
"It was my first placement," he said, "I was seventeen."
Oh fuck.
So then they must have had some time together. It was weird that I found some comfort in that idea.
"Did they have a program like we do now?" I asked.
Baird shook his head, "F Class was not considered an option for integration."
That sounded harsh.
"Then you must have had a lot of time together," I said.
I felt a little jealous. They must have been together all the time.
Baird smiled, but it looked sad.
"What?" I asked, "Was his change hard to be around?"
"Not every F Classification has a change like you do," he said.
"Did he not have a significant change?" I asked.
Baird shook his head.
"Then why was he classified F?" I asked.
He opened his mouth but shut it.
"I'm sorry," I said quickly, "I'm just curious. I didn't mean for it to come out like that."
"It is alright," Baird said after a minute, "He was quite unique."
I knew it was probably too much, but I was going to ask anyway.
"What was his name?"
"His name was Paul," Baird said, "And he was classified F because of his inability to be touched."
I felt myself frown.
Wait, he couldn't be touched?
Does that mean that Baird never got to really touch his mate?
Sadness filled me at the thought.
Baird not only couldn't touch his mate, but he lost him?
Wait, what happened if someone touched him?
"What happened?" I asked, "When he was touched?"
Baird met my eyes, and I could see it.
The grief.
"It's okay," I said quickly, "You don't have to tell me."
He nodded.
Baird shared more than he probably wanted to.
Was it because he was trying to help distract me from Shay?
"Tell me," I said, "Tell me you at least had time with him?"
"Never enough," he said.
"When did you…" I don't think I could bring myself to ask.
"When did I lose him?" Baird supplied.
I nodded.
"Are you sure you want to know that?" he asked.
"I want you to know that it is okay to talk to me too," I said, "If you want to talk about him, I will gladly listen."
He nodded, "Thank you."
Baird sat there for a few quiet minutes.
His phone went off, and he glanced at the message.
He didn't reply, and he didn't say anything.
"Is everything alright?" I asked.
"You know," Baird said, "I find myself breaking the rules for you."
I looked back at him questioningly.
"I see your connection to Shay, and I want the best for the two of you," he said, "I want you both to have what we could not."
I didn't know what to say.
"She feels quite strongly for you," he said, "Despite knowing you for a short time."
"Was that a message from Shay?" I asked,
"Six months," Baird said, "That was all we had."
I sat there, feeling the stinging of my eyes again.
Baird sat there with a sad smile on his face.
"He died," Baird stopped to clear his throat, "He died, because not being together was more painful than being touched."
"Baird," I heard it in my voice, it cracked, "I'm so sorry."
"I want better for you," he said, "I want better for those like us, like him."
I wished better for him too, honestly.
"It was Shay," he said, "And I am sorry to say it."
I shook at his words.
Sorry? Sorry to say what?
"She asked about the special program again," he admitted, "But I am determined to talk her out of it."
"Why?" I asked, feeling out of breath.
I expected much worse.
He scared the fuck out of me.
I was scared that she wasn't going to come back.
I was scared that she was going to leave me.
"I feel it is too soon," he said, "And besides that, I have a plan."
"What kind of a plan?" I asked.
"I am waiting to hear back from Dr. Olsen," he said.
"About what?" I asked, "Are you going to keep us apart?"
He made a face, "After everything I just said? You think I would keep you away from your mate?"
"Well, no," I said, "But that's what I was afraid of."
"Noah," Baird said, "If all goes according to plan, we will have a place here for Shay."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
What kind of a place?
He wasn't talking about the breeder program, was he?
"Baird, I swear," I growled before he had the chance to answer, "I won't let her be a part of the breeder program."
"If you gave me the chance to say it," Baird stated, "If I would not let her join the special mate program, what makes you think I would push for the breeder program?"
"I'm terrified, Baird," I gasped, "My rational mind goes out the window when it comes to her."
"I sympathize with that, believe me," he said, "But you need to realize that I was put in charge of this particular program for a reason."
"Okay," I said.
He did his best for us. I know that.
I just can't think straight when it comes to her.
"I asked Dr. Olsen if we could hire Shay," he stated, "Have her work with the volunteer program, as well as a few others."
"So I could be near her more?" I asked.
He nodded, "But you will need to keep yourself in check."
"In check, how?" I asked, "Does that mean I can't talk to her while she's here?"
"That is not what I meant," he stated, "You will need to keep your hands to yourself."
It feels like a small price to pay just to see her every day.
"Dr. Olsen said yes to this?" I asked.
"Not yet," he said, "But given the situation, I believe he will seriously consider it."
I frowned.
Olsen didn't give two fucks about if we were happy or not.
He only cared about increasing the Alpha population.
"He will say no," I stated.
"No, I do not believe he will."
"I wish I had your optimism," I stated.
"I made a pretty good case," Baird stated, "I am almost sure that he will say yes."
"How long do you think it will take for him to actually say it?" I asked.
Baird thought about it for a minute.
"Give him a day," he said, "Two at the most."
"Do I keep this from Shay?" I asked.
"For now," he said, "If you can."
I nodded.
It felt shitty to think about keeping anything from her.
"What if she doesn't let you talk her out of signing for the mate program?" I asked.
"Then I will postpone giving her the paperwork," he said, "I am good at getting on the nerves of others."
He wasn't wrong about that.
"What if I want her to sign them?" I asked.
He met my gaze.
"The time will come for that," he said, "But first, you need to get better control over your change."
I frowned.
"Would it not be better to lie with your mate without chains?" Baird asked.
"It might come out rude," I said, "But do you not know how hard that will be?"
Baird frowned.
"Because I am an Echo?" he asked, "Do you think I do not feel that need?"
"Dr. Booth said that an Echo needs a mate," I stated, "Or is that not how it works?"
"To be with another physically, yes," he stated, "But that does not mean we do not experience the aching."
"Can you not do it yourself?" I asked.
Baird made a face, "I suppose that depends."
"Depends on what?"
"Do you really wish to know my masturbatory habits?" Baird asked.
"When you ask it like that, no."
"Every Echo is different," he stated, "I cannot speak for the others."
"But can you?" I asked.
"Really?" he asked as if he didn't want to tell me.
"I'm just curious," I said.
"Sometimes," he said, "And that is all that you are getting."
I nodded.
I suppose sometimes is better than never.
We sat there quietly for a while before I spoke again.
"Does that mean that she is coming here?" I asked.
"No," Baird stated, "I will tell her that we are trying to find a solution here before that can be an option."
"So not a lie," I said.
I felt better about that.
"So then what do we do now?" I asked.
"Hope that you can get some sleep," he said, "Keep you on Fosphenytoin, and hope that the seizures stop completely even when the IV is removed."
I nodded.
"But that is not what you meant."
I shook my head.
"We wait to hear from Dr. Olsen."
"What if it takes longer than two days?" I asked.
"Well," Baird said, "Then as the saying goes, we will just have to cross that bridge when we get there."
"I don't think that's how the saying goes."
He shrugged, "We do what we can until we need to do something else."
I guess they both worked.
"Until then," Baird said, "Try to get some rest."
I nodded.
He stood up and made his way to the door.
"Baird," I said quickly.
He turned with a worried expression.
"Thank you," I said, "For sharing that with me."
I wasn't expecting the grin that appeared on his face.
"Thank you for giving me the chance to remember him with another person."
Baird walked out.
He really loved that man, didn't he?
I can't remember the last time I saw Baird smile like that.
I laid back on the crappy hospital bed.
My face eventually fell into a frown the more I thought about it.
Six months.
Baird only had six months with his mate, and he loved him that much? Even after all this time?
I know Baird wasn't a young man anymore.
He died, because not being together was more painful than being touched.
Those words lingered in my mind.
What if I couldn't touch Shay?
What if we couldn't be together because of it?
I shook my head frantically before the thoughts tore through me.
It already hurt to think about it. I didn't want to have to live it.
Poor Baird.
If anyone deserved someone, it is definitely him.
Even if it hasn't been heard of, was it really ridiculous to think that an Echo might have more than one mate? They can live so fucking long.
I shut my eyes tightly.
I wanted that for him. I wanted him to find someone else.
I wanted someone to make him happy.
I wanted all of us to find happiness.
If only Raisa's words didn't linger in my mind.
クリエイターの想い 
ARoseLane
ARoseLane I am so so so so sorry that this update took so long!
Please forgive me DX
I hope that you like this chapter!
And remember, please stay safe, and I hope that you have an amazing day! <3
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