章 2: Waiting for his judgment as his life is being played in front of him
(Voidne's POV)
'I actually did it! I committed suicide! I always heard people say that those who commit suicide are cowards that are unable to face reality... Those people who think this way are idiots, since hurting your own self requires a lot of courage.'
As I was thinking about it, my memories started playing in front of me, trying it's best to make me feel bad about my decisions, but I knew very well, I was right this time. The memories showed every small detail in my life, from the moments I was ganged against by my family since I was a child, to the moments where I was crying on bed swearing to kill them all when I grow older. I get really emotional by just watching me memories again. A broken family where no one loves each other, where everyone release their stress at those who are weaker, and I, was the youngest and the weakest... I sympathized with them, I gave them so much leeway, it was all showing in my memories.
My father used to beat my mother, and in turn, my mother used to beat my older siblings, who followed on the steps of their parents and started beating me. Just reaching 13 years old, I already had my ribcage broken, but my family were too scared to send me to the hospital, they didn't want my sibling to face the consequences of his physical abuse. My ribcage tried to heal on its own, but the absence of medical treatment let it heal in a wrong way, making breathing a continuous torture that I have to live with my entire life. I lived my whole life enduring an accident after another, and am wondering if god really exists, what bullshit justification will they give me to send me to hell?
I started thinking about the torture I inflected upon myself before suiciding. People may think that I am stupid, but for me, it is better to hurt myself than hurting others. Even with all my family abuse, I always gave them second chances... The sad part is that they never cared about me, they only cared about themselves, which reminds me of a song I got addicted to listening to; it was called give me some love, by James Blunt. I started singing the song in my head as the memories kept on rolling. This song strikes really close to where it hurts... I guess I am too emotional currently... I am certain if I had a body, I would be crying currently... The tears which I've never shed on my father's funeral, I am shedding while sympathizing with my life.
While being sad, I continue to look throughout the tape of my life. I hear my mother nagging me about how good her friends' sons are, and how bad I am. I hear her compare us all the time; getting mad at me, and then grabbing a wire to strike me in the back... At some point I tried to console myself, making a joke about how those lines on my back are really similar to that of a tiger's.
Remembering everything, I find out that the moments in which my family looked out for me can be counted on fingers. Being this emotional, all what I think about is how unfair my life was. Everyone had a family that aided them, cared about them, and valued them, except for me! I kept on giving and giving, and they kept on taking even more.
Suddenly the memories stopped flowing, and everything around me turned black. I grew anxious; scared of judgement. Not being able to see my own doings as a mistake, I believed I was right, but I am still not sure if there was a god or not... And if there was a god, then how will he judge me? Most of the religious literature say that I am going to hell...
I kept on waiting on the dark for what it seems for a long time, I don't know but when I started counting the seconds... A second felt like a minute, this is how anxious I am currently...
'Maybe I am not even worth being judged?' My anxiety suggested. I was really scared of hell, hell is the last place I wanted to visit. If I had a body, I would have died from a heart attack thousands of times now. As my anxious thoughts became unbearable enough to almost breaking my mind, I saw a light! 'Finally I can get my judgement over with!' I thought.
The light started approaching me. To calm myself I automatically started thinking of some memes, and tried my best to yell "Ho! You are approaching me? Instead of running away, you are coming right to me?"... but being the soul that I am, I had no physical body, or at least I thought.
Just as I was about to continue on remembering the whole meme, I started remembering how things ended for Dio... Now I wished I never thought of that meme to begin with.
The glittering light became ever closer to me, blinding me in result with its brightness and beauty. All my anxiety seemed to disappear at that moment, and be replaced with a warm feeling of love and caring.
I thought to myself 'This must be God! I am really happy that at least I met God!'
Just as I made contact with the light; I pierced through it? 'wait, what?' and it was at this moment I knew, I fucked up.
クリエイターの想い 
Voidne
Voidne Guys, if you are thinking about committing suicide, please don’t take this novel as a guarantee that you will reincarnate, because as what the MC of the novel believes, people who suicide are most likely going to hell regardless of their reasons. I agree with the MC’s point of view on that issue, otherwise I would have jumped in the reincarnation waiting line a long time ago XD.
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