章 9: Three words, eleven letters - 1
December 2015
Nanunuot sa aking balat ang lamig na hatid ng disyembre, patunay na nalalapit na naman ang muling pagbalot ng lungkot sa akin. Although Vaughn planned to stay in the dormitory so we can spend time together during Christmas break, but I told him to go home and spend time with his family. Dad invited me over to celebrate Christmas with him and his family but I declined again, not because I still hate them but because I don't want to feel envious when I see them happy.
Tanggap ko naman nang wala na talagang chance na mabuo pa kaming pamilya. Hindi ko lang talaga kaya pang harapin ang mga taong isa sa naging dahilan kung bakit nawala na yung chance na yun. Kahit kailan ay hindi ko tinangkang alamin kung sino ang mga taong iyon. I unfollowed my dad in Facebook just to avoid seeing post of him with his new family. And I always decline whenever he asked me to come and visit him in his new home. I still need more time but it doesn't mean that I won't ever meet them.
Saglit na natigil ako sa pagmumuni-muni ng tumunog ang phone ko. Hindi ko napigilan ang ngumiti ng malawak ng makita ko kung sino ang tumatawag.
"Hi mom!" Masayang bati ko pero ang ngiting nakapaskil sa mga labi ko ay agad nawala ng marinig ko ang naging pagbati nya.
"Why don't you go to your dad's place? Guen wanted to meet you and she keeps on asking me if it's okay for you to celebrate Christmas with them. Nagtatampo na din ang daddy mo dahil panay daw ang decline mo sa kanya. Don't you miss your dad, Cielle?" I bit my lips to hold myself back from saying hurtful things to mom.
"Mom naman. Hindi mo ba ko kakamustahin man lang? It's been so long since you last called." Parang batang tantrums ko.
Mom sighed.
"Cielle, anak. Are you still mad on our decision? Akala ko ba okay ka na? Na tanggap mo na? Don't make it too hard for your dad, baby. Iniisip ng Tita Guen mo na baka galit ka sa kanya. Don't make it hard for them, Cielle. Specially now na magkakaroon ka na ng kapatid. Diba gusto mo yun?" Pakiramdam ko ay nasasakal ako sa mga salitang binitawan ni mommy. How come she can say those words and how can she befriend with dad's first love easily?
"How come you can tell me that so easily, mom? Pero bakit yung rason kung bakit naghiwalay kayo ni dad, hindi mo masabi sa akin?" May hinanakit sa tinig na tanong ko sa kanya habang pilit na pinipigilan ang luhang nais umalpas sa mga mata ko.
I know that it's been years. Four years to be exact since they got divorced. But for me, whenever I talk to them, I always come back to that time that they told me they're breaking up. Ramdam ko pa din ang sakit, ang tampo, ang galit sa naging desisyon nilang dalawa. They still didn't even give me a proper reason why they choose that and now this!
I don't know why they can't understand my side. Ang gusto ko lang naman malaman ay ang totoong rason kung bakit sila naghiwalay. And why they still consider each other as friends even after their divorce. Just that one reason is what I wanted to hear and yet they couldn't give it to me. Palagi nilang iniiba ang usapan sa tuwing tinatanong ko ang tungkol sa bagay na yun.
"You don't need to know. All you need to do is to accept it. Don't make it hard for us, Marcielle Anne." Malamig nyang sabi na inaasahan ko na din marinig.
What about me? Hindi ba naging mahirap sakin yung desisyon nyong maghiwalay ng wala akong kamalay-malay? Bakit parang kasalanan ko pa? Bakit parang ako pa yung mali? Wala ba akong karapatan malaman ang totoo?
Isang malalim na buntong-hininga na lang ang pinakawalan ko at pilit na nilunok ang mga tanong na nais ko sanang sabihin sa kanya.
"I'm sorry mom but the thing is that I've already promised my friends that I'll be spending time with them during Christmas break. I'll make time for dad maybe before my break ends."
"Make sure you'll make time for your dad, baby okay? I have to go now. I love you Cielle. I miss you." Tuluyan ng bumagsak ang luhang pilit kong pinipigilan pumatak ng maibaba na ni mom ang tawag.
I still have a lot of questions left unanswered and yet they wanted me to adjust to what they have decided for themselves. I don't want to hate my parents or those innocent people but every time I have this kind of conversation with my parents, I end up hating all of them. Kaya hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko magawang harapin ang bagong pamilya ni Dad dahil ayokong mas lalong makaramdam ng guilt.
"Hey love, what's wrong?" Nag-aalalang tanong ni Vaughn ng mapasukan nya ako sa kwarto ko na umiiyak. He sat on my bed hurriedly and hugged me tight.
His warmth somehow took the sadness away. Kaya naman mas lalo akong nagsumiksik sa dibdib nya para tuluyang mawala ang lahat ng sakit, pait at agam-agam sa puso ko.
"What's wrong love? Is it about me going home? Sabi ko naman sayo I can always tell mom that I'll be spending my time here. Pwede naman akong sumaglit na lang sa bahay on Christmas day eh." Puno ng pagsuyo nyang wika habang hinahaplos ang likod ko.
"It's not about it you dummy!" Kunwari'y inis kong sabi kasabay ng pagkalas ko sa yakap nya. "Feeling mo naman mamimiss kita!"
Vaughn smiled playfully. "Bakit? Hindi ba?"
I pouted my lips and rolled my eyes at him. "Sabi ko nga eh. Mamimiss kita." He chuckled and pulled me again for a hug.
"I'm sorry, Marcielle Anne. I'm sorry for making your Christmas, lonely." Nagtaka man sa kakaibang lungkot na nahimigan ko sa boses nya ay hindi ko na lang iyon binigyang pansin.
"Hindi mo naman kasalanan kung malungkot ang pasko ko eh. It's my parent's fault. For leaving me behind without even telling me their real reasons, for letting me suffer on my own, and for making me feel lonely." Puno ng pait kong wika sa kanya.
Vaughn looked at me with his eyes filled with undeniable sadness. "Don't say that. Maybe they just don't want you to suffer more. Isipin mo na lang na baka mas masasaktan ka sa katotohanan kapag sinabi nila sayo ang rason nila kung bakit sila naghiwalay."
Mapakla akong napangiti. "At least I got to know the truth. I can live with that. Mas mahirap para sa akin na pilit nilang tinatago sakin ang totoo. The more they prolonged it, the more I will get hurt in the end, don't you think? I value the truth more than anything else."
Unbearable silence taken over us. Vaughn just looked at me as if deliberating with himself what to tell me next just to make me feel better. Kaya naman isang matamis na ngiti ang pinakawalan ko para pagaanin ang mabigat na usapan namin.
"I won't be lonely if you're going to call me 24/7." Biro ko na ikinangiti nya lang ng bahagya.
"I will. You too. If you miss me, just call me. Okay? And if you're lonely just tell me to come back and I will come back." I nod and he smiled in relief.
Tuluyan ng naglaho ng lungkot sa ngiti nyang iyon at hindi na binigyang pansin ang kakaibang lungkot na dumaan sa mga mata nya habang nakatingin sa akin.
"Hoy Ikatlo." I whispered sweetly.
Vaughn looked at me with longing in his eyes as if he will be gone for a long time. "What?"
"Mahal kita." He answered me with a sweet and long passionate kiss.
Tila hinahabol ako ng sampung kabayo dahil sa bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Lalo na ng maging mapusok ang paraan nya ng paghalik sa akin. Nanunuot din sa kamiseta kong suot ang init na hatid ng palad nyang masuyong humahaplos sa likod ko.
A soft moan left my mouth when he bit my lower lip softly before he pulled away and looked at me like a hungry wolf ready to eat his prey.
"You're such a tease." He said in a hoarse voice before planting soft kisses on my forehead. "Forget me not."
Three words, eleven letters. I don't know what behind those words but one thing I'm sure of, our future is in those words.
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