章 18: The Burn of Rejection, The Fires of Passion
Potions Laboratory, Slytherin Dungeons, Hogwarts
December 17th, 1972
Life sucked.
It was something that Severus was starting to comprehend. Life, sometimes, really fucking sucked.
He stirred to exact proportions, tossed in some Asphodel Powders, a dash of Bone Meal, an impling's heart -pickled of course-, and then stirred an additional eight times in one direction, and then seven in the opposite. He repeated a declining pattern until he hit one stir, and then added in a bit of cornmeal. Not everything needed to be mystical, and with an idle glance to his left, Severus stared into a book he'd haggled from a Seventh Year for a few potions he'd brewed that were beyond their skillset. Personally written by a professor who was becoming very famous, The World of Chemistry, by Ebon Chaoskampf, was indeed worth the read and had become a permanent reference within his studies of potions.
The book was a tome, truthfully. A total of 938 pages, written with fine ink, interspersed with magical enchantments and charm work that 'embedded' information into specific 'links' within the text. For example, instead of having entire pages written out with illustrations shoved within, detailing the specific bonds of a molecule within a Lewis Diagram, or an anatomical model and deconstruction of an Atom; instead, one would just need to touch highlighted sections of the text. This would then spawn a new page, from the center of the book, automatically ripping it out, and giving all the required information of that specific link associated with a passage, word, or direction to a source.
It was a brilliant way of storing information, and allowed a student to find sources, or just easier to conceptualize or digest information -or just hyper specific information- at the tap of a finger. Furthermore, the generated pages - transfigurations using the Germino Charm targeting stored knowledge within the enchantment matrix of the book, altering the content of a 'duplicated' page- were impermanent constructs, but the 'Copying' Charm listed within the Appendix allowed one to create permanent copies of the embedded links for future reference. Severus himself had a thick binder, and seven separate folders filled with the information obtained from the three tomes he had access to, all created by his DADA professor. They were something that had the young man awakening a ravenous hunger for. Greed filled him whenever he heard anyone speak of being 'recommended' to read a book from Professor Chaoskampf. The man tended to just hand them out to anyone who so much as asked, however, it was something of a privilege only exclusive for Seventh, Sixth, and Fifth Years; given out to students who held high grades within his classes, and he felt could understand even a zeroth degree of content within the books. For a Third Year like himself, he needed to get creative to obtain these rare treasures. Most students either highly valued them -even if they were treated as novelties rather than the sumptuous treasures of academic knowledge that they were- or tended to complain about the dense and confusing material. The latter of which were those who Severus dealt with and kept keen ears about.
His connections within Slytherin had grown, exponentially, over the last few months. He'd stayed after classes during DADA, and simply asked Professor Kampf for any ideas on how he might be capable of rising in the ranks; to that, the Professor simply said to make himself a high-valued commodity. Not the potions or the services he held or offered that was the commodity, but Severus Snape, the Half-Blood needed to market himself as someone that had things others didn't. In this respect, the man offered Severus direction to introductory books detailing Scrying, something that Wizards and Witches -especially those who were still studying within Hogwarts- tended to forget existed. Using the basic knowledge within those books available to anyone within Hogwarts, Severus could pour a cup of water into a bowl and spend a short afternoon divining private conversations, juicy gossip, and in a mere week he'd obtained a notebook worth of blackmail and gossip.
Cleverly applying that knowledge was what allowed the young man to become effectively immune within the political hierarchy of House Slytherin.
He didn't blackmail anyone and everyone who might be an enemy, but simply offered secrets; and secrets shared made friends and allies that the boy desperately needed. From that foundation, he built himself a dual operation of integrating himself into the toxic drama of the Slytherin and Hogwarts rumor-mill; paired with selling and offering potion brewing services on the downlow. The former was a grudging chore of a few hours, or a student specifically coming to him with desired information they wanted to know, while the latter was the bricks and concrete that his foundation of novelty and usefulness was solidified. It wasn't truthfully too bad of a problem within the Wizarding World, what with there being dozens if not hundreds of fixes, but Potions that were chemical stimulants or relaxers -or even just mild mannered 'love potions' that were glorified aphrodisiacs- were a common and highly valued commodity for any teen or young adult looking to have a good time. Prank potions and those a bit fouler, barely teetering off the edge of being classified as poisons, were also brewed to get back at rivals and annoyances.
His potion stores and ingredient list went from what he could scavenge on a budget of knuts and sickles, to stores of high quality and rare potion ingredients that were bartered or traded for his services; information or potion brewing alike. Galleons were given hand over fist to the young sixteen-year-old, used to use those same connections that bartered potion ingredients to then purchase them outright. It was reputation that made the House of Slytherin go-round, and it was a reputation that Severus had earned.
He owed it all thanks to a certain DADA Professor, and his tomes of unfathomably profound and valuable knowledge.
Severus hadn't a clue how a man so young could possibly write, enchant, and then distribute such books; with rumors flying about that he was some hitherto unknown magical creature that had a pronounced lifespan, or was a wizard who knew a secret of immortality. Severus didn't care; the man was a genius academically and had redefined how he looked at potion-brewing, and life in general. His life-advice was suspect at best, but Severus honestly couldn't refute what had been said to him what seemed like so far back. He'd acted on it, all said and done.
Frowning bitterly as he bottled this potion, taking the time to test various properties of the liquid, Severus reflected on the events that had transpired in his life. While he might be pessimistically focusing on the bad, there had been a lot of good.
For one, James Potter and his gaggle of tagalongs had left him alone. For the most part, at least. There were some nasty looks, but then either Black or Lupin would elbow the boy in the ribs and jerk him away. Revenge wasn't in their minds after whatever punishment they'd undergone, and he was soon left alone; horribly so. Brewing on the words that Professor Kampf had told him, Severus was left with two choices. Give up on his childhood friend, likely must grit his teeth every time he saw her interact or make googly eyes at Potter, and then devote himself into his practice entirely. The other was to 'shoot his shot', and likely crash and burn into the gutter anyways. The first option would've saved him some pain, at the very least, although it just wasn't in his nature to give up on things so easily.
A bittersweet smile fell on his face. 'Least some things went right at the end of it all.' He mused as he tested the acidity of the liquid and hummed as it was rather basic. The text told him the liquid was accepting hydrogen ions, holding interesting ramifications on the process of refining this specific mixture. He mentally snorted at the mere concept of a third-year student producing and creating their own potion recipes; something that only esteemed potions master's ever tried to perform. Learning Chemistry and Divination was a fucking cheat, though. Severus found he had some amount of talent for the school of Divination, and while no seer; probability, chance, gut feelings, and good instincts were all things that the mystical school of magic could reinforce and develop into practical magical abilities.
He'd need to run some test groups for the potion, but if he was correct -and he usually was- then he should have created a rather foul poison that would cause rapid and chaotic growths of bone. However, through some alterations to the formula, he'd added aspects of Order into the inherently chaotic and deadly potion. Something that could be tested out by pouring the mixture on a piece of bone…
Drawing out a fractured rib from a rat he'd slain, Severus used a syringe to take a drop of the potion. He squeezed the implement and grinned widely as the potion caused rapid growth and regeneration, his eyes watching as the bone flexed and bent into shape; marrow being produced from the drop. Furthermore, it was growing correctly, following the stored blueprints of life within the marrow. Soon, a complete skeleton of the rat he'd slain was re-created from just a fragment of the bone. Drawing out a few vials, he used a syringe to suck up a few drops from previous experiments and dropped them on the bone. With one drop, flesh and tissue was formed and organized to exact specifications. Then came organs that bubbled into place, specific magics that he'd imbued into the potions turned the chaotic process of regenerative life into the most stable constructive healing potion that had ever been devised. As the hide wrapped around the rat, fur grew, and soon Severus beheld a dead rat. One last potion, more of an Elixir truthfully, was taken with reverent hands.
The Elixir was produced through rifling through another of Professor Kampfs tomes. It was his second tome, and one he'd outright stolen from the man's classroom. It was lying on his desk, and had been kept there for ages, forgotten under three others detailing charms and defensive spells. Only the title along its spine had him want for it, and he'd only be able to have it if Professor Kampf was distracted. This was difficult to do, as the distraction needed to absorb his entire attention, thus requiring drastic measures. Severus configured a runic matrix on a copper plate that was nothing more than a crude activation timer. Two potions, each stable until they mixed and become horrendously volatile reacted into a chemical gas that caused little more than mild skin irritation, was laid in wait within an alcove by the man's classroom.
As it exploded, he cast the switching spell, switching the book with a roughly reacted replica thereof.
A Study of Alchemy, by Ebon Chaoskampf.
Severus shivered at the knowledge that he had three of the man's books, two on the sciences, one based on Chemistry, one on Alchemy, and then the last was purchased from a demotivated perspective Healing Student that grew frustrated with The Anatomical Madness of Biological Beings, by Ebon Chaoskampf. The student sold the book to Severus as he noticed the boy's frustration for a mere pittance of a few stimulants. Severus personally thought that his professor had given the boy the book just so he'd stop bugging and whining into his ear about obtaining 'advanced lessons' to assist his healing career. If Severus had the man read, then you didn't demand anything from him. You asked, politely, and he'd give respect and consideration; being rebuffed either meant the man was busy, he thought you weren't ready for what was asked, or he didn't like you.
Holding an Elixir of what Severus could only call Living Lightning, he took out an electrode and dipped it into the neon-blue solution of liquid-state plasma; an afront to the natural order and was some mystic-material only able to be created using Magic. Truthfully, Severus had followed most of the directions of the Alchemical formulas, writing wards and runes to exact specifications for several weeks on his copper cauldron, and working through the complex theories of the Alchemical tome, copying a massive amount of legwork and theory-craft to create a 'pure and stable substance'. What was unique about Living Lightning, was it was Living. Creating living creatures through magical practices wasn't a new phenomenon. Rather, it could be stated that it was a rare infrequent action that had created many mythical, fantastical, and monstrous creatures throughout history. It was uncertain if all magical creatures were products of witchcraft, wizardry, and other practices like that had been done to animals over the tens of thousands of years humans have wandered the world.
There were no creatures or other entities on the planet that could wield and shape magic like a Wizard could, and in ancient practices, Wizardry was known as Shamanism; with ritual craft and more primal magics with unforeseen results being common practice. While Severus believed that there was a lot of truth into the theory of Wizard-Created lifeforms, he did not believe that all creatures were directly created by humans. Perhaps there were other civilizations in the ancient past that did much the same, or there were confluxes of magical energies that had certain animals and creatures mutate. Or there was possibly a dimensional breach into another realm, theorized within Anatomical Madness of Biological Beings as magical creatures and reagents sampled by the professor held biologies that while naturalized to their world; were fundamentally alien to any environment where they'd evolve within. It could potentially be proven that certain creatures came from beyond their reality, as it was proven that other dimensions existed, which were the basis for spells like Fiendfyre, a poorly understood spell that was rumored to feel wrong to those who witness or conjure the magic. Not just in the fact that it was Dark Magic, whatever one might believe such a term was, but in that it was alien and out-of-place; for while the fire burned without end and stopping, it had been recorded that no flame, no matter how grand, ever spread longer than seventeen days. Then, it was mysteriously snuffed out, and became mere mundane flames consuming fuel and oxygen.
Severus was aware that the Living Lightning he'd created, while certainly unique, had been propped up by Professor Kampf's easily digestible theories and procedures in using Alchemy, blended with his admittedly profound understanding and talent within potions. What inspired him to create such a creature was the knowledge that nervous impulses were, ultimately, just electricity moving through one's nervous system. Thus, taking his finest syringe, Severus poked through the thin containment membrane keeping the lightning within its insulated shell. It ran through the metallic needle, filling the insulated syringe. Removing the syringe, he flinched as arcs of lighting started to dart around; feeling for anywhere to reach and tickled along his hands. He felt something come over him, some force, undefinable, that tried to move him with growing understanding. His eyes blinked, his lips flapped, his vocal cords groaned, and he flexed and unflexed each muscle.
Gritting his teeth, Severus jerkily stabbed the syringe into the chest of the Rat and depressed the plunger The rat jolted, the lightning filling its body and causing every bit of it to jolt and jerk. As the lightning and arcs of electricity faded from view and sight, Severus stared with wide eyes as the Rat started to move. It rolled its head around curiously, then bounced away and skittered off. His wand snapped out and arrested it, only for a spark of lightning to zap at his wand and dispel the levitation that held it. It skittered to the door, and tried finding anywhere to escape, but a stunner hit it, and it finally ceased trying to escape.
Edging closer, Severus jolted back and conjured forth a shield, blocking the lash of lightning that undoubtedly tried to possess him. He backed away, weak sparks flashing against his shield. Grabbing the fallen syringe, he walked to the immobile rat, and stabbed the Syringe into the creature. The Lightning ceased, with Severus humming in thought. He riffled through his pockets to find a few sickles and rolled one around his hand. Taking the rat into spell-hold, he brought it back to the testing platform, and started to work on a new idea. Perhaps he could use an alchemical ritual to imbue the Rat's nervous system with the properties Silver, then bind the Living Lightning to the nervous system. The effects of such enslaved symbiosis were questionable, but likely to be greatly beneficial for the host creature. Writing his theories down, Severus let out a sigh as he tucked his quill away and rolled his neck. It was about the end of this session, and so he started to gather all his materials and quickly vacated the abandoned room deep within the Dungeon.
While he walked, he reflected on what had him so down and in the dumps.
Roughly a few weeks after the conversation with Professor Kampf, Severus had started to work up a courage. He'd taken a hard look at himself and found he couldn't refute his professor's words. Severus at this point had started to figure out House Slytherin and was doing well for himself. That built confidence, and he'd started to think maybe, just maybe, he could show this new progress to his crush; and she'd fall for him. It was naivete at its finest, in hindsight, but he'd seen results in what he'd been doing with his studying, and he'd once he'd gotten a taste of self-confidence; he thought himself capable of acting.
The problem, however, came with his rival's own maturity. It seemed that whatever conversation Professor Kampf had with James, the young man had pulled his head out of his own ass and was seeming to start growing up. It was a show of maturity from the otherwise immature boy, and with his proximity to his crush; it wasn't long before he started seeing the two make out in hallways, hold hands periodically, read and study together in the libraries; they were inseparable. At first, it crushed his confidence, but then he realized that he couldn't -shouldn't- dally any further. He'd made the mistake of waiting too long already, and so after potions class, he'd confessed to Lily Evans.
Once again, in Hindsight, he'd already lost. Lily Evans had what she wanted already. With the reshaping of James' behavior, and his gaggle of friends being a bit more self-aware of their actions, the four weren't in any means bad people. James was still a prat, but people were prats; it was just the way of things. Everyone in Slytherin was five-times the prat that James was, and he'd learned how to take their sneering scowls or strong-armed arrangements with venom and poison of his own to dish back out. Compared to James Potter, he had real hate inside his heart for several of his House Mates who've ruined or run roughshod over several of his plans and experimentations. Instead, he was forced to look at the young Potter Scion and evaluate him.
James was immature, true, but as Severus learned more about girls and women in general; that quality was somewhat attractive to them as the process of watching a boy visibly grow into a man spoke of the potential for maturity. Like Professor Kampf told him, it was the presentation that mattered.
Severus had, by comparison, disappeared into the shadows of House Slytherin, blackmailing and engaging in mild-mannered skullduggery against schoolkids to mature. He'd had wands held to his throat and glared back at bullies and thugs, threatened both with blackmail and connections, all the while growing and improving his skillset through dogged study of treasured tomes that were more advanced than his current studies by a mile. So much so his grades reflected his lack of commitment to learning and performing within classes. Or rather, all his classes save DADA. Severus was effectively an emancipated minor, his father wouldn't give a shit about his grades, and so in favor of working to his strengths; he'd let certain other minor things go.
It was, in this vein, difficult to show his crush how far he'd gone; how much he'd improved other than impressed and involved conversations within Potions class that were by all means friendly. But that was all that those conversations were.
Friendly.
He'd taken his rejection harshly, although he blamed neither Potter nor Lily for any of his personal bitterness regarding the situation. He'd had to grow up, and he reflected on his professors' words about this exact situation. The smart thing, the rational and logical thing to do, was to let go. He wouldn't have been burned as badly as he was otherwise, as Professor Kampf had already laid the facts out. Severus was a young man who had talents and skills that laid within non-traditionally attractive paths; more intellectually impressive than physically so. Less a social star and golden child that was popular among peers and someone who stood out like James. He was more skilled within the realm of Intrigue, of lies and speaking half-truths. He knew how to survive and had, in some ways, grown up far faster than any other his age; but in others, he was still ever so immature.
It was easy to look at James with bitterness and envy, for the young man had everything that Severus wanted. All that was required was a shift in perspective to see how those qualities might attract a young girl like Lily Evans. Severus knew that Lily Evans was smart, but as a process of being rejected, the rose-tinted glasses came off and he started to try and find every reason possible to distance himself from the girl. He tried to find faults within her character, he tried to rationalize her appearance to be unattractive, and he had mental tangents and rants about non-true personality traits he'd made up for the mental model of a girl he now wanted to despise.
Because that hurt less than loving her.
Severus could see that James and Lily complemented one another. She was a master at Charms and Potions, Enchanting and higher levels of magic were her jive. James was more physically interested, the field of Transfiguration fascinating the young man, although Severus noted with distant amusement that both James and Lily struggled within Professor Kampf's classes. His studies in the sciences and advancements in a wide range of theoretical ability allowed him to easily follow man's demanding classes as each class only built on the foundation he now strove for. A foundation that ignored the standards and expectations of Hogwarts that only considered the lowest-common denominator, and instead lusted after the highly advanced and atypical theories and spells his favorite and practically worshipped Professor doled out like they were lemon drops.
Severus dealt with the pain of losing, the pain of loss, and the pain of grief by throwing himself into such studies; for he'd seen them start to work, saw himself grow, and felt himself become a greater version that left behind the sad pity-party of a man that was him mere months prior. To be entirely honest with himself, Severus still wasn't over it. He'd obtained a different potions partner than Lily to help him move on, quite literally simply asking Professor Slughorn that he no longer felt comfortable having her as a partner due to being rejected. The man wasn't too broken up about that fact, and he possibly spouted some pureblood rhetoric as he consoled him.
Severus moved on with his life, ready to take it one step at a time. He was starting to realize as he worked that the more time he spent thinking about Lily Evans and James Potter or his tagalongs, the less time he had for Potions or Alchemy, Rituals or Runes. His creative passions were a health escapism to avoid his emotional turmoil, but such was the process of growing up, of letting go, and moving forward.
Now, Severus was left with uncomfortable questions.
Where does he go next?
To him, a young man of so many young years, he'd idealized a fantasy. Him and Lily, a house, a potions business; and that was life. Now, it was just him, a radically atypical potions career that would undoubtedly delve into realms of magic that bordered on forbidden, and newly sown ambitions to see how far and how high he could rise.
'I wonder in some years I'll be able to study under Professor Kampf as an Apprentice.'
His heart jumped with excitement and passion for the idea, and Severus smiled as he walked to the Slytherin dorms. Yes, that was a good ambition to have. It wasn't a goal, but it was a path that led…
Somewhere.
….
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