章 3: I can't breathe
When we got downstairs Amaya saw Freya walking towards us and she was so happy.
"Freyaaaaa!!" Amaya exclaimed laughing hysterically. Amaya was always very happy unlike me.
She rushed to hug Freya.
Freya who was much taller than Amaya had to bend her head a little so the side of her face could touch Amaya's head. Amaya Pecked her giggling. She was so Happy.
You belong to me Lora. Me. No happiness will ever come your way. Why not give in to me already.
"You are so short, " I teased Amaya, that was when she was done trying to peck Freya.
She looked at me scornfully and hissed. Then she pushed me to the side with so much force I almost fell.
She eyed me then she started to laugh again. "I am still so much better than you who is tall."
Ouch
Isn't she supposed to be your friend? Common she is laughing join her, laugh too. Pretend that your heart is not broken, that you are not hurt. Isn't that what you are good at? Silently suffering. Common laugh too. Pain tormented.
I did as he said. I laughed too even when my stomach hurt from where she pushed me. But in my heart I cried, I wailed but no one heard me. Who could here the mournings of the heart or the whispers of pain?
After getting what Sofia wanted from the store. The three of us started walking to the gate of our faculty building. They both laughed and joked but I was left alone, abandoned. Sofia immediately forgot that I was existing. They didn't even bother making me a party to their gossip.
No one can see you. You might have well been a ghost just like me. Pain laughed hysterically
I have always been alone even when surrounded by people especially when surrounded by people.
It is only when I am with my diary that I feel my own presence.
My mind was my only faithful friend but even she has betrayed me by letting Pain control her. Why can no one truly love me? Just why? Am I that unlovable? Why must I always be betrayed and left behind? Why!
Why is pain taking away everyone I love including myself.
Because you don't even love yourself. Pain whispers.
My eyes glistened with unshed tears. To distract myself I listened to their conversation even if I was not part of it.
They talked about feminism which Amaya was in strong support of. She was loyal to the course, a loyal feminist.
In school Amaya belonged to groups and clubs that advocated women's Rights. Although I never got to tell her I was of the opinion that She overdid her own feminism.
"Honestly I do not support feminism now, because now it all looks like madness to me. To me people have mistaken feminism for sexism. And some feminist have become too radical that they've forgotten humanism." I blurted out.
I never wanted to say out loud what I felt. I didn't want to argue with Amaya about anything. In my heart I was always wrong.
I didn't have a right to believe and I didn't have a right to speak. But If I didn't have a right to speak why could I speak?
I was a nobody and I didn't deserve to speak with them. I didn't deserve to air my opinions and feelings because they were all wrong. I didn't deserve anything.
I deserved only the pain I got. But, even after being told all this by pain over and over again I still decided to speak Just this one time.
I said something because I hated sexism and I was tired of it. And right now I felt like it was coming from both genders.
To me each gender keeps fighting for dominance forgetting that we all are equal, forgetting that we are stronger together, forgetting that we complement one another, forgetting all that needed to be remembered, and remembering all that should have been forgotten.
I didn't want to be part of that fight, the fight for dominance made me sick.
"What are you saying are you trying to say that women are inferior to men, that you support how women have been treated by men in the past. Do you know how much women have suffered in the hands of men? Do you mean to say that____ Amaya yelled and I shivered.
I told you, you should have kept shut. Pain gasped
I expected this from her.
She never wanted me to share my own opinion, I was to always agree with her as her tag along, her shadow. That was why I never said anything.
Now that I decide to say something against her view I was sure she was going to eat me alive. I was getting scared now as she was drawing the attention of passerby's to us.
I would be embarrassed if anyone should stop to ask what the matter was. I knew that no one in their right senses would support me.
Everyone who stops was likely to support her because she was the queen of my class. I didn't even know how to defend myself. How could I when I was so scared of her.
Freya was already looking at me scornfully, she was sure going to attack me too. I wanted to cry.
Pain was right I shouldn't have said anything. My views don't matter they are all wrong. Now I was in trouble because I refused to listen to pain. Maybe I should give in finally to his demand after all he is the only one that never leaves. He always tells me the truth too.
Freya was soon called by a male friend of hers so In other words she left me alone in the hands of a furious Amaya. It was not like she would have protected me against Amaya though.
"Speak now Lora! Do you mean to say that we women should continue to live in patriarchy is that it_"
"No, no no no no" I shouted cutting her off before she completed her last sentence, I didn't want her to hate me. Why did I bring a contrary view to hers, I'm so stupid I thought sadly.
Who was I to share my own opinion, I keep forgetting that I am nothing. When will I learn.
"That's not what I meant I swear. Women don't deserve to suffer and we are not inferior. I hate Patriarchy too!" I continued speaking, trying to reason with her, she was my master, without her I would be better of dead.
You are inferior Lora. Oh! she's going to hate you now. You will be alone. Sad, Sad.
"Better speak up! You are not making any point What are you saying exactly?" she asked irritated.
She was demanding an answer but
I didn't want to give one, I didn't want to speak, I didn't want to reply but I couldn't disobey her.
I was probably going to be wrong about anything I said now just like I was wrong about everything else including living.
Yet, I spoke because my belief felt true, real, and maybe just this once I might be right.
Just this once.
Oh here she goes again. Don't speak please. Pain facepalms
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