章 28: Panic Attack

|Innaya|

Arjun dropped me at home after the unexpected meeting at Mr. Roy's place. He had stayed for the dinner, telling me some funny incidents. Somewhere, he felt the need of giving me company and I truly appreciated his thoughtfulness.

The jokes, incidents that Arjun told did not do the job of taking my mind of, off the things but his efforts did. Amma and Arjun did not let me feel alone, even for a while. Amma requested or rather say ordered him to stay as it was late. They both retired to their respective rooms after wishing me a goodnight. I too left for my room, to get freshen-up and ready to spend one more sleepless night.

The magnitude of the situation dawns completely and with much more force when you are alone in the confinement of your own comfort. It felt more than true as I lay on the bed in our bedroom, alone. Nothing more than the presence of someone special, someone who has managed to evade my heart and mind lately, I longed for at the current moment. How I wished for him to be with me and shove away the loneliness I was feeling. I closed my eyes trying to find the lost solace and peace of my mind.

***

"You ungrateful brat, you won't get any food."

"You ugly girl, go and stay in your room."

"How dare you eat this?"

"Don't have any manners."

"You shouldn't have come in this world. You are a bad omen."

"Dare you, speak a single word."

"This is your punishment. You will stay locked up in the storeroom until you learn your lesson."

"You will eat this or stay hungry for all I care."

***

Those words by that woman continuously rang in my ears while every memory attached to those incidents plagued my mind. My breathing laboured while black spots started clouding my vision as the loud cries left my mouth. As if, my mind was trapped, in that horrendous and horrifying period, I felt no longer in control of my own self. I wanted to break free. I wanted to come out of that illusion which once was a reality.

Heavy pants left my lips, as I could no longer breathe properly. Gasping for air, I tried calling for help, apart from sobs no sound came, I could feel my throat burning along with my eyes, as they stung because of hot tears flowing through them. Drowned in my own agony, I did not hear the hurried footsteps nearing or did not realize when someone rushed in opening the door.

"Innaya, my child, what happened?" The female voice felt too familiar and too close.

Was it GrandMa? What was she doing here? I desperately tried focusing on her face yet all I could see was a blurred outline of someone. Something wet and cool was moving on my face, while someone pulled me into sitting position. My feet were being rubbed and some words were spoken that I couldn't figure out.

"Innaya"

'Eshan?'

"Innaya"

'Eshan is here. How?'

"Innaya, can you hear me, sweetheart?"

'Yes, I can. However, I can't convey you. Eshan, please make it go. Eshan, please.'

"Innaya, focus on my voice."

"Breath in."

"Hold it there."

"Breath out."

I followed the instruction his voice provided.

"That's my girl."

'My girl? It felt nice.'

"Breath in."

"Hold it there."

"Breath out."

"That's right."

"Breath in."

"Hold it there."

"Breath out."

The tension and fright slowly left my body as Eshan's voice worked as a soothing balm, I found myself being calmed down. Amma's worried eyes staring at me and her hands holding wet rag wiping my face, was the first thing I noticed as my vision got cleared. Amma stepped back, giving me space to recollect myself.

Where was Eshan? I certainly did not imagine his voice, did I?

Amma offered me the glass of water, which I gladly accepted. As I drank the cool liquid, I realized how parched up my throat was. Even in a distressed state, my eyes searched for the face of the person I desperately wanted to see, however, instead of the honey brown eyes, the blue eyes full of concern greeted me.

"You ok there?" Arjun stood up from the bed. He was the one rubbing my feet, I noted.

I nodded hesitantly. Where was Eshan? I could not have imagined his voice, have I? Certainly, I never will be mistaking someone else's voice with his. What the hell?

Agreed I mistook Amma as Grandma but that voice-

"Do you need anything Innaya?" Amma caressed my face, taking the empty glass from hands.

I just shook my head in negative. I tried to give both of them smile but I could not. It was not that Eshan was there, whenever my past memories came, bringing me to the similar condition. However, I had, had these episodes before marriage, but they were not this often and recurrent. Perhaps the growing friendship between Eshan and me was to be blamed, for the sudden depressed mood of mine. His presence affected me but his absence bothered me.

Then again, how could I expect him here, when he had no idea about my turmoil? Hell, even I had no idea that, someone from my past would come back in my life in this way and something like this would happen.

"Expect the unexpected in life Innu..."

Grandpa was right. We should always expect the unexpected. Unexpected as it was, I needed Eshan and even in my subconscious state, my mind relied on him and imagined him. The realization of how attached I was getting to Eshan frightened me.

Unceremoniously the tears trickled down from my eyes, as I closed them momentarily. Irrespective of the haywire emotions taking a toll on my mind, the most prominent was the void and unsettling feeling at not finding Eshan beside me.

"Eshan..." unknowingly the pained whisper of his name left my lips, even when I knew he couldn't hear me.

"Tesoro."