章 23: It's Not A Wonderful World (At Least For Me)
Like there is no other talking points I can squeeze out of my head, so I will just stick to writing a what would seem like a diary today.
So yeah, I feel frustrated and I feel like I am going nowhere. You know that feeling like no matter what you do to try to get yourself out of the rut you are experiencing, it just does not work somehow. That is what I currently feel. So much for positivity.
I feel like a failure of a human being, I do not know myself if that is really true, but I do as h*ll feel like one. Like I have all these fantasies in my head like, oh I am going to be this and I am going to do this and and do that, and I will be successful at it. And then 8 come back to reality and I am like, oh I am nowhere near what I am thinking, I cannot even begin to take any first steps towards the thoughts I have. To call it a dream is simply a shot to the moon.
Would it be appropriate to say that I am crippled by fear? I am not too sure myself, but yes fear kind of does hold me back, and I do not know what to do to get out of it. I think I might even fear what will come after I overcome my fear.
I know I am just rambling away, and it might even be incoherent to some of you, and others would think why not just do something about it, but please cut me some slack. Sometimes I think if I could curl up and hide somewhere, someplace, that the world would not be able to touch me. If perhaps I can bury my head in the sand and life just passes me by.
I have even flirted with the notion of death before, but guess what my fear will not even let me go distance, which I wish I could, I am telling you now. That is why I feel like a mess. And hence the frustration, I am frustrated, I am depressed. I feel like well for lack of a better word, sh*t.
So yeah it has been a while, since I wrote something in this whatever this thing is I have no idea anymore. Will it be better for me? I do not know, if you ask me, I do hope, but I do not think so. If I could just disappear you know, I do not need that redo, if I could just disappear. After I do not think I am any needed here. There is no purpose.
Anyways good morning. Yes because I am writing it and I just woke up.
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