章 4: Doctor
Nicolas was in a hurry. Dawn wasn't far off and an hour later, he had to show his face at the morning Worshiping ceremony. He wasn't fond of these rituals. His faith in Nukledeus was, at best, tenuous and almost reduced to the smallest share. Moreover, he belonged to the happy few able to get their fill of chimiocs without having to take their daily dose in public.
Nevertheless, every day, he forced himself to attend the first Worshiping ceremony of the day, the official dawn, when the acolytes on duty opened the temple dome, allowing Nukledeus' light to unite with the sun and enlighten Ark City. It was a dignified and stirring sight. Afterwards, every arkian on Worship Square would plug their catheter in the nearest module, connecting their left forearm to the shared life source. The next step was to bow down, some people were even groveling, and wait until the whole dose of holy medicine entered the blood.
The customary ritual allowed Nicolas to keep up appearances. His high social standing entitled him to use the amount and combination of chimiocs specifically prepared for officials and priests, more suitable for fighting the disease. Even though all arkians were supposedly equal under Nukledeus' light (except No-Lights obviously), reality was different.
Thanks to his high-quality chimiocs, Nicolas didn't feel tired at all, his mind remained clear and he hardly felt any pain or any withdrawal symptoms at the end of the day. In the Worship Square, close to the VIP area, he also took the opportunity to meet dignitaries and improve his relationships with some famous backers. One could never be too careful.
At the beginning, this hypocrisy didn't bother him. Pretending to be a devoted believer while sucking up to powerful people was his personal way of putting himself in danger. Even scheming secretly was, in its own way, a thrilling experience. He even kept a precise and dainty range of lies he could use according to the person he was speaking to, in order to avoid suspicion. But these VIPs were sharper than most people. Nicolas often felt he was walking on thin ice, a single misstep could easily lead to his ruin. He had to be careful so as to ensure his own safety first. What would happen is his illicit business was exposed in broad daylight, for all to see ?
Ever since he met Daphné, all these little tricks felt like trivialities and pettiness unworthy of him. From their very first meeting, he found her absolutely dazzling. She looked like a splendid diamond : gorgeous, pure, uncompromising and with multiple facets, each one harder and sharper than the next. The burning passion she poured in every action, almost in every movement, was truly breathtaking. It amazed him and showed him the harsh reality of his own mediocrity.
Nicolas looked at the sky one last time to check the time, then he hurried deep inside the Materna towards the nursery. Every day for the last eight months, he followed these corridors without anyone knowing. As a physician and renowned chemist, he had no business here. He wasn't even allowed to enter. However, he secretly pulled a few strings and managed, through his connections, to get an enhanced access card. It took him several months to obtain the pass. This master key, however, didn't grant him access to the security compound. It couldn't open the city doors either, as a universal access card would but it was enough to go inside the Materna.
The first time inside the Materna, he had been grateful to the arkian education system which required to attend multi-field-internships during the whole curriculum. With his knowledge and memories, he was able to quickly find his way in the maze of corridors and get to work. He expected to encounter some problems identifying the Artificial Womb he coveted or finding his own gonads but the database was so accurate and detailed that only a few days went by before implanting, secretly, the precious embryos in the A.W. (aka Artificial Womb).
All by himself, he had to meticulously move the heavy Artificial Womb from the area dedicated to suspected misfits towards the main zone. Luckily, no final verdict had been pronounced, otherwise the A.W. would have been definitely destroyed. Producing a child from a forbidden womb was dangerous and reprehensible but, to this day, Nicolas still believed that it was a high-risk high-benefit endeavor.
With as much stealth as possible, Nicolas headed towards the location where he had installed the Artificial Womb. It was no different from the others, he made sure that nothing could give it away. He felt his heartbeat quicken, it was a clear sign indicating, without the slightest doubt, that his kid was nearby, waiting for him. Coming close to the control unit, Nicolas entered the identification code for the womb and its image appeared on the control panel. Everything seemed fine. Operating the control lever, he switched the ultrasound scan on to check on the foetus. It was almost ready for birth, it grew and moved as expected. Most of all, it looked like it was protesting against the spying device. To Nicolas, it couldn't have been more perfect.
Next to the control lever was a red push-button, with a big 'F' letter engraved on top. Nicolas brushed the button with his hand, gently tracing the letter. At this stage, the baby was safe even in the event of an abortion but the Flush feature threw the content of the Artificial Womb in a acid bath, annihilating all life in a purifying and cruel fire.
Still barely touching the 'F' letter with his fingertips, Nicolas felt the usual tingling spreading on his hand up to his wrist. It would have been so easy to push the Flush button. The choice could be made in a split second and the fate of the small one would be sealed. In Nicolas' mind, once again, a ruthless struggle was raging between his heart and his reason. His conscience would have been satisfied with a disability, even a puny one, which could condone a purge. He longed for a thorough clean-up to erase his fault and guilt and to remove from his memory the sight of the steel-blue eyed rebel dying in his powerless arms. Did he truly abandon her ?
Nicolas' eyes were filled with tears. He had to be strong. If he got caught now, the young one, Daphné's only child, would never know his legacy and would be lost in the crowd, one child among thousands. Closing his eyes, he silently whispered the only prayer which could really lift his spirits up, giving him the courage and strength he was lacking : only one name, repeated over and over endlessly until the beloved face came forth on the inside of his eyelids. And his memories resurfaced like bubbles covering his soul with the soothing balm of Her existence. Her soft features, her eyes sometimes laughing, sometimes stubborn, and her glorious smile which seemed to freeze time itself.
Nicolas pulled his hand back, it was dangerously close to the Flush command. In his mind, he could still hear the tinkling laugh of his dear Daphné. He didn't want to come back to the present. He tried to find a red pill to extend this fleeting moment or create a delusion in which he could definitely lose himself but his hands remained empty. He knew he was weak and, in a moment of lucidity, he got rid of any irreversible drug.
Behind his half-closed eyelids, Nicolas expected to be abruptly brought back to reality but a last memory burst out of his subconscious mind before disappearing at once. In this dreamlike memory, Daphné surrendered herself to his lips without reservation and Nicolas himself was probing her intimate parts with delectation. The craving welling up in him, in spite of his excision, painfully brought him back to the present. Passing away in climax before passing away definitely. His dream always ended the same way, more or less. It was so cruel. He missed her so much, it hurt. Her absence was driving him insane.
He gulped with difficulty, trying to settle down. His heart was still pounding like crazy and his short breathing gave his inner turmoil away. He wiped his forehead and bald scalp which were drenched in sweat. He had to calm down before going out of the Materna. His whole body protested against this abrupt interruption. He could have sworn Daphné was back, he yearned so strongly to be by her side that his body was shaking. It seemed to him that he could smell her perfume and feel her soft skin with his fingertips. He was unable to overcome her death, it hurt him so deeply.
Finally going out of the nursery, he carefully avoided the hatchery where some interns were probably about to turn up for work, and left the Materna, passing by the empty rooms where organs were slowly maturing. It was still early but Nicolas knew the whole Materna would be bustling with activity very soon.
He needed to hurry back to his everyday duties. Despite his illicit business, he had always lived a dull, restrained and aseptic life and was totally unprepared for the whirlwind called Daphné. His only choice was to let himself be swept away. She was a tornado, a hurricane that would never be seen ever again. She shook up everything in his life and, recreating his world in her own way, she left an everlasting mark on Nicolas.
Ever since she died, everything felt pointless. Life itself seemed more that he could handle. Nevertheless, he had no choice. His everyday tasks, hidden or not, should not be affected by his condition. In a flash of lucidity, he bitterly realized that cowardice and deception were his true driving forces. How could Daphné actually love him ? Did she pity him ?
Still distressed, Nicolas got back to the Temple just in time to attend the next ceremony which displayed Nukledeus before Its worshipers. The dome was slowly opening wider, not only Its light but also Its shape were now visible and Nicolas felt relieved to be able to bow his head, hiding his grief and taking time to regain his serene bearing. He had to assume the guise of the perfect arkian, emotionless and devoid of any feeling.
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