章 31: I Don't Pity You
My eyes widened. How stupid could I be? Almost no one knew about Cindy but I absolutely never told people we were twins. If they dug too deep…they'd know the truth. There were articles about how I was there when her body was found…how the other woman tried to keep me from going over there because when she saw my face she knew what Cindy was to me.
Those would never stop haunting me. It was concrete proof of where I lived and my strong link to Cindy…and her killer.
"Are," I corrected. The damage was already done. "We are twins. I didn't stop being a twin just because she died."
There was genuine pain in Jon's voice. "Why didn't you tell me?"
My hands clenched on the sides of the seat. "It hurts too much, Jonathan. We were hardly ever apart. People feel sorry for me when they find out my sister died. I couldn't bear their pity if they knew that my twin died."
"I don't pity you," he said. "I'm sorry that had to happen to you but I don't think you're less of a person because of it."
That was nearly my undoing. I was nothing but a criminal because of what happened. An empty shell with a twisted sense of justice. "You're wrong," I whispered. If I tried to muster any volume I'd break down for sure.
Jon growled—the angriest I'd ever heard him. "Dang it, Lori, you're more than you think you are! Is that why you won't let anyone get close to you? Is that why you shut everyone out? Because you think less of yourself for what's happened to you?"
"Can we please stop talking about this?" I pleaded.
I didn't want to cry. If I did, I didn't think I'd be able to stop. What was wrong with me lately? I was never this teary.
"No. Because you never talk to me. Relationships don't work without communication. I need to know what's going on with you. Otherwise, how am I supposed to support you? You're such a huge part of my life but it's like I'm hardly passing through yours. Is it like that with everyone around you? Does anyone know anything about you at all? What about Faye, does she know about your family?"
"What does it matter if I tell people about my personal business?" I cried out. "You don't have to be deeply personal with someone to be friends!"
"But you do to be with someone romantically! Why won't you let me in?" The anger was gone now. He seemed…almost broken. "You said you loved me but you don't trust me."
"I don't trust anyone," I said.
That was a lie. I hadn't trusted anyone for so long but I'd come to trust Nick. I couldn't tell Jonathan that though, he was upset enough.
"Why? What do I need to do to get you to trust me?" he asked, practically desperate.
"It's nothing you've done or haven't done," I tried to assure him. "It's all me. I've told you before that you wouldn't like me once you got to know me but you plowed ahead anyway. Do you believe me now?"
The car was so quiet you could hear the engine humming. I guess I finally did it. I finally convinced him to stop liking me. This was my objective all along, so why did my heart feel like lead?
Jon parked the car and we walked into the house silently. When the girls ran up to us I pasted on my best fake happy persona and tried to act as normal as possible for their sake. I could tell Jon was doing the same thing.
Kaylee and Cindy chattered happily and even got us to play Sorry with them after dinner as if nothing was wrong. As if I hadn't ruined everything. I laughed at their childish squabbling over whose turn it was and how Cindy accused us all of cheating just because she was losing.
"Daddy," Kaylee whined when the game ended. "I don't want to go to bed."
"You need to go to bed so I can take Lori home," he explained. "We have work tomorrow."
"Why can't she stay here?" Kaylee asked innocently. "Then we wouldn't have to go to bed."
I froze. Why couldn't kids have any sort of filter? And why did the thought of losing contact with these two pain me so much? It was over between their dad and me. I had no right to them. I never should have gotten attached in the first place.
"She needs to go back to her own house," Jon said firmly. "Come on, let's get your pajamas on. Look, Cindy's already getting ready for bed."
"But I want her to stay here!" Kaylee wailed.
I wanted to reassure her that I'd come back but the words got stuck in my throat. I wouldn't be coming back. So I sat on the couch, twisting my hands and contemplating my own stupidity for the next twenty minutes as Jon settled them down, not moving until there was a knock on the door.
"Jace!"
"I'm here to watch them so Jonathan can take you home," he explained, running a hand through his hair. His cheeks pinked. "Uh…I kinda missed you. I'm glad you're okay."
A small, genuine smile made its way onto my face. "Thanks, Jace. I missed you too. I'll still see you tomorrow though, right?"
His eyes darted up the stairs. "Yeah, but we shouldn't talk about that here. He'll be coming down soon."
"Right. So…how's school?"
Jace chuckled. "That's the best you've got?"
I shrugged. "I'm not very good at small talk."
"Eh, I'm not either. School's okay I guess. The homework's too easy for me so it's just annoying to waste time on it."
"Oh, Jason, you're here. Thanks. I'll be back soon," Jon said dully once he came down the stairs.
"No big," Jace said with a shrug. "See ya."
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