章 173: Fear
I wasn't sure why I had chosen to slid the door open at that time, interrupting their conversation. Maybe it was because I had heard enough, had gathered enough information that the rest could be skipped over. Or, it was simply that I was still afraid to hear the what she truly thought of me. But, if it was anything involving that, then I believe I just wanted to be the first person to hear it.
With my right hand up against the door frame where the sliding door had entered through the small crevice, I stood there motionlessly. My head was depressed with my eyes gazing at the wood flooring within her hospital room that departed from the tile flooring of the hallway, and I simply stood still. There was a prolonged period of silence as the three of us simply froze in place as if in a stalemate and waited for the others to make the first move to break the silence. Since I was the one who had initiated it all, it was up to me to break the spell, so after taking a deep breath to prepare myself, I took a step into the room and stepped to the side away from the doorway.
"Loyd," I said softly to the boy who had stood up when I had slid open the door out of surprise. "Would you mind letting me talk with Luna alone?"
"..." It took him a second to recover entirely, and it also took him an additional split second when he peered over at Luna and then over at me. Then, with an awkward smile on his face, he grabbed the strap of his school bag and picked up his winter coat. "I think I'll head home now."
He then started making his way over to the doorway with slow, steady steps and without looking over at Luna. It must've been extremely difficult and awkward for him at the moment due to the gloomy atmosphere that Luna and I had created, but...there's just certain things that cannot be avoided.
Before he exited the room, he paused before me. With a frown on his face, he looked over at me, eyes as if peering into the back of my eyes in search of the phantom of the Alevian that he knew. Yet, that person will never be able to return to this world. No matter how similar I am to my past self, that lost innocence, that pure character, no amount of ablution could ever cleanse away the darkness that had tainted my garden. The dark sea of flowers within me, so dark as if it was coated with a tar and so filthy and disgusting, that it might be near impossible to revert back to that normal flower. How would these handful floras with ordinary colors beat out the dark abyss within me?
Loyd then sighed. "See you tomorrow."
He then started walking once again with a sad countenance, and when he exited the room, he slid the door close on his way, leaving Luna and me alone in silence. I cannot speak for her, but my reason for the silence was simply...that I wasn't prepared. Therefore, this silence that I engaged in was simply a mental buildup, one that I desperately needed for this newly acquired information to soak into my mind and for me to prepare for this confrontation.
I looked over at her, feeling a sense of great depression and loneliness in my heart. For the first time in a while, I felt a weird feeling from the spot near my eyes. In addition, there was a swelling feeling in my throat. It was a familiar and yet foreign feeling. It was as if I was being pushed onto the edge with some sort of stimulus that's threating to push me over at any second. It was just...weird. My eyes feel weird, and my heart, even though it felt empty, it felt as if it was filled at the same time, almost as if the emptiness was a bubble and had expanded to fill my heart itself.
Slowly and without saying anything, I mobilized over to the chair that Loyd had sat in earlier. I looked down at the seat, sat down, and removed my coat, allowing it to hang on the backrest of the seat. Then, I looked over at Luna with a grim expression on my face. She had kept her head low and facing her laps as she remained seated on her hospital bed. Her hair draped down and concealed her face from view, making it impossible for me to read her countenance. I could tell that she was trying to avoid eye contact, trying to avoid a direct confrontation for as long as possible.
I can understand her feeling as it was partially shared by me. If it was possible for all of this to be forgotten, all of this reverted and allow time to flow back to before where we didn't know about anything, how awesome would that be? But, time cannot be reverted, and things have to go on. No matter how long the night is, the sun will always rise; no matter how cold the winter is, the flowers will eventually come into bloom once again; no matter how miserable our current condition will be, it won't last forever. Her death is destined in the near future, written into the future that will ultimately become the present and then the past. It will all come and go eventually, so for the time being, cherish it. That's what I keep telling myself. If it's so miserable, then suffer it. Suffer it and burn it into your soul, Alevian. For this is mine, for this is the memories of Luna and I.
"Why?" Luna finally whispered, breaking the spell of silence.
Her body was trembling, or was it shivering? I do not know which one it was nor what was the difference between the two. However, all that I know was that she was shaking in the physical realm and in the vocal realm as her voice seemed to tremble as she spoke while mixed with hints of sobbing that seemed to stab at my heart and pull at my heartstrings.
Her appearance, so beautiful and yet so frail, shined in my eyes. Her silent melancholy painted her with a different sense of beauty, creating the painting on a canvas of a lone frostblume in the cold, winter night that shined as the lunar light shined and reflected off of the ice. This winter flower, so fragile and so beautiful, made me afraid to get too close. Yet, I must bring myself closer as this flower of ice will fade, melt when spring comes along...
"Why?" Her trembling voice repeated once again in a soft whisper. Her voice was trembling at a greater degree than before and the sounds of sobbing were blatantly obvious now as she seemed to have given up trying to contain it all. "Why do you always come back no matter how hard I try and push you away?!"
She looked over at me with teardrop crystals that are her tears climbing down her cheeks. Her white hair and pale skin, when combined with the sight of her tears, made her appear extremely cold and fragile, yet I know that was simply not true. Luna is the direct opposite of all that. She's so powerful, so full of energy, and so warm, that it was simply not what one would expect from this girl that slowly approaches a cadaverous state. But, as someone who had witnessed it all, I can speak by experience, can swear it all upon my very existence, that she was like that. Yet...it would appear that the lively and energetic Luna has already taken a step into her grave and will never be able to be revived, even with the aid of medicine. This Luna that I am seeing right now, the pale and frail appearance, that is the extent of illusion that medicine could maintain now...
My body started trembling slightly as she gazed into my eyes with her teary eyes. My formerly wavering mind that vacillated about in regards to what it was that I was after slowly came to a compromise and settled down on a decision that is made by my subconsciousness. After this is decided, there's no changing it anymore.
"Why Alevian?" She wept and spoke in a voice that must've placed a severe strain on her throat as she wailed and complained to me. "Why do you keep coming back?"
She buried her face into her hands, weeping as the facade that she had erected broke down from the weathering and battering. What was on display before me was Luna herself.
"How am I supposed to die now when you keep coming back?" she wailed. Her voice was slightly muffled as she had her face covered with her hands. "How am I supposed to go when you're always here and making me want to stay?"
"..." I sat there and observed her, in shock from what she had just revealed to me. My heart trembled greatly as she revealed to me her true thoughts, allowing me to peer into her mind for the first time since we've met. Oh, the horror...
"Alevian," she whispered as her body forced her to stop due to its inability to continue to exert that energy. "I'm scared... I don't want to go... I—"
Her words suddenly stopped when I got up from my seat without thinking and pulled her into my embrace. With her head resting against my chest, I held her in my arms as my hands kept her near as they pressed against her back through the soft, material of the hospital gown.
With her in my arms, the trembling of her body slowly came to a stop. The tears in her eyes wetted my shirt, but I didn't care. My embrace locked her close to me. Her body was still soft, yet not as much as prior as she must've lost some weight during her stay in the hospital. In addition, her body wasn't as warm as prior. Yet, the person I had in my arms is the same Luna that I know. This natural fragrance of her body...it's something that nothing could mask.
"Alevian," Luna whispered as she pressed her head against my chest. Her sobbing had stopped now as it would appear that my embrace was able to soothe her trembling mind. "I don't want to die..."
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"The fear of the end had always lingered in the depths of my heart, but I kept it concealed from myself. Yet, it was the same boy who I had hoped to serve as a distraction for me that revived that fear along with this other feeling in my heart. He gave me the desire to live on. He made me fear death once again."
~Luna M. Frostblume
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