章 166: Cold, Winter Winds
I fell back and onto my soft, downy bed after showering. My hair was still somewhat damp but that did not bother me much as it will soon dry off. As for my body, it was still warm from the warm water that my body had come into constant with just a few minutes earlier. Dressed in my hoodie and sweats, I was protected from the worst of the cold temperature.
Even if I were cold, I would've probably ignored it for the time being as I stared at the ceiling in my room. After speaking with Luna, I felt that the agonizing feeling that I had endured the day before had alleviated greatly to the point that I could simply sleep on my own. However, that did not mean that the fact that Luna's life will soon be lost within half a year any easier to deal with. But... what can I do about it? I've asked Noah and Emilia and... they've told me that there's nothing they could do in regards to it as well. There's nothing that I see that's capable of reversing that fact, so... there's nothing else that I can do except wait until it happens.
With a sigh, I brought my left forearm up and placed it over my face, blocking out the ceiling lights.
It's just so... so weird to think that in less than half a year, she'll be gone. Maybe before I even finish the school year, she would be dead. When would it happen exactly? I do not know. However, it will happen, and that's the scary part about it all. It's that uncertainty as to exactly when that frightened me. Would it happen when I'm asleep? Would there be anyone with her when it happens? Would she be suffering from any pain? None of that is a given fact, and there's really no point in thinking about it. But why? Why would it just nag on my mind so much?
And then there's the situation with Irina. I still have to apologize to her for what had happened. Maybe I should confront her feelings for me and explain to her that she has confused a sense of gratitude for love. But... would that change things for us? Would it ruin the relationship everybody had built up within the group? What happens if this simple conversation tears the entire group apart?
With a frustrated sigh, I turned off the lights using my phone and placed it on the charging stand on my bedside table. Then, I pulled the warm bed covers over my body and rested my head on my pillow. With a sigh, I closed my eyes and prepared myself for my slumber.
***
The next day, school went by as usual. Boring and repetitive, yet it went by way faster than the day before as I was able to completely zone out as I stared at the cloudy sky outside. There really wasn't much for me to think about other than how I should apologize to Irina.
During class, I would find myself looking over at her, watching as she focused on copying down notes in her notebook. Her brow was partly tensed as it would appear she was trying to understand the material being taught. Overall, it just simply appeared as if there wasn't anything wrong with her. However, I know for sure that there was something that's on her mind. Even if she tries to conceal it, she cannot hide it from me. The unnatural movement of her eyes when she turned to talk to the others during break was all I needed to confirm my suspicions.
When school finally ended, my plan originally was to visit Luna at the hospital. Since the others were simply told that she was in the hospital for an appendix removal, they must not see anything to severe with her condition. That explains why some of them do not see the point in seeing her every day after school.
"Are you going to see Luna today?" Muria asked Irina who simply nodded in response.
"Yeah," Irina nodded.
"I'm going as well," Loyd chimed in.
"You are her boyfriend after all," Irina commented.
"I'm sorry but I won't be able to accompany you," Muria told Irina. "My sister asked me to help her with something..."
"It's fine, Muria," Irina smiled.
With her comment, I peeked over at her, taking in the subtle abnormality in her tone. It would appear that the others had not noticed, but... it was definitely there.
In the group, Noah wasn't able to go as he had to stay behind and receive a scolding from Emilia for the joke of an essay he wrote during one of the history exams. As for Zaksus, he apparently needed to help set up the championship banquet for the basketball team. Therefore, the roster of people that will be visiting the hospital was Loyd, Irina, and I. It would appear that they will not allow me to go off on my own this time with the atmosphere being a subtle demand for me to accompany them. However, I believe this wouldn't be that bad since I might have an opportunity that I may formally apologize to Irina.
The trip over to the hospital was one that I conducted in silence. I was simply like a shadow in the background. With my right hand grabbing onto the pole, I peeked over from the corner of the car and watched as the two friends talked. Even though Loyd had tried to bring me into the conversation, I would act as if I did not hear him as I had my earbuds in my ear with music playing. However, the truth is that I could hear clearly what they were saying even with all the noises in the train car interior.
It wasn't long before we finally arrived at the nearest station to the hospital. Once we exited the station, we could actually see the hospital in the not too far distance as it stood between the nearby highrises near the banks of the Helliger River. It took us about five minutes to walk from the station exit to the hospital, and it only took us about three more to make it to the room Luna was in.
Loyd took the lead and entered the room after knocking gently as he is her boyfriend. Irina and I entered after him with Irina going first and me being at the very tail end of it all. Upon entering, I was greeted with Luna's affectionate interaction with Loyd, seeing how she looked at him and smiled. Loyd returned the gesture as well and naturally took the seat nearest to her and brought his hand to hers.
To my left, Irina appeared to be somewhat uncomfortable, which I assume I was too. However, for some reason I felt oddly numb about it all, probably because I had disposed of any of the stray emotions I might've held into the deep abyss, sealing it down there beneath my prison. But, being the two charismatic individuals that they were, numerous times, they tried to bring us into the conversation, but it was quite weird when we were just standing there while they held hands. Like it's really quite weird.
"Alevian, Irina?" I heard Luna say to us. "Would you mind... leaving for a bit?" She smiled in an embarrassed and apologetic manner. "We have something private that we would like to talk about."
"Oh y-yeah," Irina blushed slightly after maybe fantasizing what they were going to be doing. "I have to leave soon anyway, so...um...see you next time, Luna. Hope you get better soon."
"Thank you, Irina," Luna chuckled.
Then, she directed her gaze over at me, maybe thinking that I might have something to say. However, I didn't. So to avoid the awkwardness, I followed Irina out of the room after mentioning to them that I'll also be taking my leave.
I slid the door shut behind me and quickly left so that the two could have their privacy without any fears that anyone was eavesdropping. With a few brisk strides, I caught up with Irina and started walking alongside her while lagging back ever so slightly. She didn't say anything to me, but... I assume now wasn't the right time since we were in a hospital. Therefore, I decided that maybe I should wait until we exit the building.
Once we've exited the hospital building, she started walking in the direction of the train station, taking the paved riverside path with its park benches and street lights that were starting to be powered as the sun was making its way down the arc in the sky and casting an orange filter over the world. On the other side of the river, in the Lumina district, some of the windows on the skyscrapers also lit up as their occupants prepared for the incoming reign of darkness and of the night. A cold, winter wind blew by, moving our hairs as well as making the tail end of my coat and muffler scarf to flap in the air.
"Irina," I stopped and called her name, causing her to also halt in her steps. However, she did not turn to face me, so I was unable to tell what her countenance was. "I um... I want to apologize for what I did that night... at the end of the live stream..."
She didn't say anything. Instead, she simply continued to stand there with her back facing me and her hair moving in the air as the wind continued to blow. I was sure that she had heard me, so I continued on with my apology.
"I'm sorry for... shaking away her hand," I looked down at the concrete sidewalk whose light gray color has been changed into a more orange one as the setting sun's filter made the world look as if a layer of orange had been cast over it. "I...I didn't want the camera to catch it, you know? People will think things if they see you continue to hold onto my hand and might start posting stuff online...And um...it would ruin your reputation and everything. I wanted to protect your name and your career. So..."
I know what I'm saying, but I know that it wasn't the right thing for me to be saying. In fact, I don't know what I'm saying. All I know is that I was spouting some meaningless nonsense that might sound logical, but it wasn't. All that it was is just excuses, excuses that I'm trying to use to justify myself instead of tackling the situation and apologizing about what I did. This...this is one of the reasons why I despise myself.
"Is it that much of a shame to be seen holding my hand?" she softly whispered in a voice that was almost carried away by the wind and was only barely audible to me. "Why?" Her voice was trembling along with her body in a manner that I was certain it wasn't because of the cold.
Slowly, she turned around slightly and looked over towards me. Her face, her countenance, it was one that I will never forget. Tear droplets rolled about in her eyes as they sparkled and reflected the sunlight. Her face was scarred by frustration as she stared at me with her eyes that communicated her severely wounded emotions.
"Why are you so observant, able to notice so many things, but..." she closed her eyes and shook her head, causing some droplets of her tears to flee the confine of her eyes as they were forced into the air, sparkling as they came underneath the sun and carried away by the wind. "but never able to notice me."
"..." I was unable to speak as my mind was knocked clean of its excuses. I merely stood there, dazed as I realized the fallacy in my thinking. I had been focused on the wrong aspect of my sins all along. Instead of focusing on responding to her emotions, I've simply been avoiding it all together, assuming that it was simply gratitude and will most likely fade away given enough time. I was also being extremely selfish, thinking that by not acknowledging it, I will be able to preserve the status quo of things... I'm such a scum. I'm such a scum...
"Please," she then said between contained sobs. "Let me have some time alone..."
Then, she slowly walked off, becoming smaller and smaller in my vision as she became more and more distant in the distance, until she disappeared into the entrance to the underground metro station, leaving me standing there alone on the paved rive...
Then, she slowly walked off, becoming smaller and smaller in my vision as she became more and more distant in the distance, until she disappeared into the entrance to the underground metro station, leaving me standing there alone on the paved riverside path. The cold, winter wind continued to blow by, moving my hair and the tail ends of my clothing. In addition to that, it swept away the clouds, revealing to me my true sins.
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