You're making it a little too easy for Hermione to get what she wants. I think you should have included some negotiation to make it easier for the readers to swallow instead of just, "oh arguing is a hassle, okay you can be part of the family". Can't wait for the plot to finally begin, the repeating of feeling was a little boring.
Decent chapter. I liked the second half, but the first half was whatever. I just didnât like Severusâ reasoning for believing Hermione, but I get your sowing doubt. The ending got me wanting Sevâs response because of her bossy attitude. I mean, what would she do if he says, no? Her entire plan, which is a lie and a pretty big slight against the Prince family, is ruined. So, for now, Herms-1 Sev-0. Excited to see how he ties it up!
I am intrigued how you made the Hermione time travel workđ. Just PLEASE, PLEASE don't let Hermione find out about Severus' soul merger. A lot of authors have their mc blurt out every secret they have right at the beginning. I liked how Severus played with her, knowing that she was lying. There is so much potential adventures/drama that can be written, from Hermione (and others) trying to figure out what's going on, blaming herself for the change, to Severus messing with her at every step. I'd advise to never reveal it lol. Keep writing! I'm excited about the next chapter.
Peter's meeting with Gwen was weird, considering they didn't meet until that moment. Aunt May is acting like a 14 year old, and it's weird. Not because of incest, because there's a lot of that in asoiaf, which I like, but because it comes out of nowhere right after her husband dies. The apology with MJ where she was begging was a really corny part. My advice would have been to slow down on the relationships and take your time, he's catching girls like pokemon and it's too easy. One of the reasons harems are disliked; relationships aren't as fleshed out. Also, action speak louder than words. Instead of explaining how they feel, show it through their action (blushed checks, hollow eyes, twitched when he's uncomfortable, etc..) I hope this was constructive. Dialogue if freaking hard! I know this is a fanfic and not to be taken seriously, but I hope my advice was helpful. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592223/1/The-Spider (Check this out if you haven't read it. It's considered the best Spiderman SI ff by many, and does the harem genre justice.)
The story gets better the more chapters you read but there were some cringe worthy moments when he interacted with his love interests. Though the story is developing well and moving along. Keep writing
Can't wait to read the rewrite. How about trying a Jon Snow SI, or a random Northern heir GoT fic?
It was a good twist, but I really hope this future Hermione doesn't end up staying. There's already one character with future knowledge, the story doesn't need another. Work a little on your dialogue too, it's a little stiff. Can't wait for the next one!
I have seen way worse ffs with far better ratings! so you get 5 stars. I think this FF has a lot of potential and I really want to see it continued. I like how Snape still cares for the people and what has happened between them in the past. It makes it feel like weâre still reading about a Severus who had a second life, rather than a Severus who was just replaced and doesnât care. He has a lot of different relationships and his story is a tragic one and that makes it interesting. Though I get what some people are saying. Try to convey his feelings through actions more than repeating it with his inner monologue in the future... I hope the Summer Arc isnât too long, I want to see Snape back in Hogwarts cuz I think the interaction with him and the marauders was your best chapter so far. Keep writing!
Love this fanfic!!! There are very few Obito redemption/time-travel fics... I hope you finish it. I'm definitely a fan!!
I'm really happy you picked this upđ, don't be discouraged and keep writing! I hope your own work is better than the original, though. It has longer chapters with fewer grammar mistakes, which is why Iâm holding this story up higher than others. Though I wish youâd have rewritten it; everything is just working out too well and too easily for Harry. 5 million gold dragons, a hoard of previously undiscovered mines, unknown-secret-Stark-treasure, canal-creating-earthquakes, unstoppable-loyal-metamorph-assassins, etc. Harryâs already a powerful wizard, he doesnât really need all that plot armor, or at least not all at once. My advice, more character development and ease up on the âsucking-upâ. We know heâs great, itâs a little too overworked when repeated over and over just how much. Once in a while, more subtlety, is enough. Also, the chapters with POVs, other than Aryanâs, are the best in my opinion! Youâve showed us what heâs done for the North; more chapters with a bunch of different POVs in each chapter from different lords, heirs/heiresses, and smallfolk will expand the story and make it seem fuller. Cersei, Manderley, Robb, Jon, random northmen, etc. Canât wait to read your work!
Game of Thrones : The Northern Realms
Book&Literature · ElderKwon