Bab 3: João Neto's diary - Repentance
Friends
Sunday, June 5, 2002
When they found out that I hadn't gone to class because I was sick, Tiago and Thomaz came straight from school to my house. And he stayed with me all afternoon. They were worried and wanted to know if I was feeling any pain. Seeing my two friends there worried about me, I started crying. And they looked at each other and tried to guess what pain I felt:
- It's a toothache, I'm sure! – said Thomaz.
- That's a stomach ache, he ate too much at dinner, I know – Tiago replied.
Until I interrupted them both and said it was a headache, but that I was better. So Thomaz said that this was normal, it was part of the process. Tiago disagreed, saying that if he were part of the process he would also have a headache, and Thomaz said that he only gave headaches to those he truly loved. Lost in their conversation, I wanted to know what it was about.
- About your relationship with Cândida! – Thomaz replied.
I then asked how he knew that. Of course, it could only have been Tiago. Upon realizing that I was irritated, Tiago justified it by saying that it wasn't bad, that he only told me because Thomaz was our friend and he needed to know. It was impossible to stay mad at him, especially since the two of them were like brothers to me. We hugged and then Thomaz said:
- Who do you think has the biggest breasts?
At that moment, Tiago said that Thomaz could no longer say that about the girls, as they now had their boyfriends and people who should be respected. Thomaz stopped talking and perhaps with envy began to count the girlfriends he had when he went to the city to visit his sister. I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying, because I was very happy to know that they cared about me, especially Tiago.
It was there that I realized that the way I liked Tiago was different, I didn't just want him as a friend. And I knew this when comparing the feelings I had for Thomaz to the feelings I discovered I now had for Tiago. But he didn't know anything, he treated me like a brother, he looked after me. This only made me love him even more.
I don't even know if I should be writing this, someone will read it and find out. Deep down, I think I would like someone to find out, since my desire is to shout to the world how I feel about Tiago. I know I can't feed this feeling, because I don't want to be a “faggot”. But everything comes into my head at once, and I don't even know what I want anymore.
Repentance
Saturday, June 22, 2002
Since I created this situation of dating Cândida and Tiago with Agostina, my life has become very difficult. Tiago and Agostina's relationship took off, in secret, but they are doing well. Cândida and I are going from bad to worse, I don't even like thinking about her, much less being with her.
The worst thing of all was discovering that Thomaz made me look like an idiot when he told me the story of how he became a “faggot”. In fact, he has shown himself to be a great liar, always with a story, no matter what topic we are talking about, he always has something to say. And I realized that the stories he tells are nothing but lies.
When Tiago talks about how Agostina is a good kisser, Thomaz always tells a story about a girl he was with who was also a good kisser. I keep looking at him talking and saying that he knows this and that and I realize how stupid I was to believe him when he said that boys who date girls first don't turn out to be “gays”.
My biggest regret is that I'm losing Tiago, every time I want to go out with him, I can't, I don't have time. It's Agostina here, it's my love there. What hate! I feel angry with a mixture of envy towards Agostina. And it's all my fault. Tiago hasn't stopped being my friend, he's always at my house, we play, study, talk, but it's not the same thing.
He always talks about how his girlfriend hugs him and I want to hug him, smell him, but at the same time I feel dirty for thinking like that. And this confusion inside my head just turns into anger and an uncontrollable desire to fight with everyone. And I discount the hatred I feel towards myself, for having these desires, in Cândida and sometimes in Tiago, I invent everything to fight with him and tell him to leave my house.
Today it's been a week since we haven't spoken. I broke up with Cândida, I don't talk to her anymore. And Tiago came to my house at Agostina's request to convince me that I should go back to dating Cândida. The worst of all was him telling me about his relationship as if it were an example of happiness. Idiot! A relationship that hadn't even been a month old. And every example he gave of how to deal with women, of knowing how to apologize, of always being at their disposal, saying what he did with Agostina, my hatred grew. And then I kicked him out of my house and told him he was no longer my friend.
I stopped talking to him, but every day Thomaz comes to me with information about Tiago, says he was very sorry for having interfered in my relationship, and asked if I wanted to be his friend again. Of course I wanted to, but that situation fueled my feelings for him, and knowing that he cared about me made me feel loved.
I got so lost in my feelings for Tiago that at one point my father ended up realizing it, and asked me in front of my mother if I was in love with Tiago. I was so embarrassed by the situation, he said it with a joking tone, I don't even know if he was insinuating that I was gay, but for me it was too much. He left the room without saying anything while my mother scolded him saying that I was just a child and that that was not something to say.
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