Bab 47: Negative vs Positive Emotions
The corners of Alex's mouth lifted unconsciously at the thought that he would be able to live a normal life like his friend someday. Claire suddenly gasped and he was immediately on the alert again, tense and ready to fight whatever alarmed her.
"What is it? What's wrong?" he demanded.
"You just smiled! An actual smile even though you didn't show teeth! I've never seen you do that before," she said in disbelief.
Had he really? He supposed he had gotten used to seeing her smile and had unconsciously begun copying her in that way too. He had never once smiled before coming here; there had been absolutely no reason to even if it hadn't gone against his training.
"Is that a good thing?" Alex asked.
She crawled around to his side of the game board on her hands and knees and gave him an awkwardly positioned side hug. "That's a great thing! I'm so proud of you!"
"Is that why you're hugging me? I thought this was for greetings or to show sympathy or affection."
Claire released him and cleared her throat, her cheeks slightly pink. "People hug to celebrate things too. That was me celebrating your first real smile. I think it's kind of a big deal because we've been together for more than two weeks now and I hadn't seen you smile at all. Sorry if that's weird."
"It's not weird. I like hugs," Alex informed her.
For some reason that made her cheeks become even pinker. "Anyway…let's get back to the game. I'm beating you for the first time all afternoon."
Daisy took that moment as an opportunity to walk right across the game board, scattering pieces everywhere. Claire began to complain. "Aw, come on! You were being so good this time; why did you have you go and walk all over the board again?"
They ran into this problem frequently when playing board games. She was usually interested in the game pieces and thought of them as toys to bat at with her paw.
Claire had said that she never had a problem with this before because the last time she played board games regularly she didn't have a cat. She wasn't used to this sort of disruption to her gameplay experience either.
Alex found it amusing. He hadn't been able to laugh yet because that response had been conditioned out of him but, if he was able to give Claire a real smile, he was certain he would be able to laugh the way she did someday.
He wanted that. He wanted to be able to experience everything that she did. He wanted to understand all of the things he had grown up without like emotions and family.
Claire was a good teacher. If he stuck with her for a while, he was certain he would get it all figured out. The real question was what would come after. When he didn't have her help anymore and was on his own again.
A heavy feeling weighed down on his chest and he suddenly couldn't breathe. He didn't want to be alone. Not when he knew what it was like staying with someone who cared about him.
All his life he had been surrounded by people. Trainers, guards, the Numbers, other agents. And not one of them cared about him one tiny bit. Claire had been the first. That must be why he was reluctant to leave her.
But this feeling was stronger than mere reluctance. What was it? Alex didn't have a proper name for it. He would have to look it up later.
There were so many emotions people felt in the outside word that it was hard to keep track of them all. And there were even more words used to describe them. That made things even more confusing.
His quest to understand emotions may be a lifelong one. Which could pose a problem if he had to live on his own without a guide to get by.
Maybe Alex could use his lack of understanding as an excuse to stay with Claire longer. That wouldn't be fair to her though. She had her own life and her own plans that he had disrupted by making her aware of his presence while protecting her from the shadows.
He wasn't even certain that she liked him. She cared about him—that much was obvious—but it might be in that generic way she had mentioned before. She might not want him to stay long term.
"Do you like me?" Alex blurted suddenly.
Claire furrowed her eyebrows as she moved one of her pawns. "What kind of dumb question is that?"
"I wasn't sure if you cared about me because you liked me or because you generically felt sorry for me. So which is it?"
She rolled her eyes. "Can't it be both? You've grown on me. Having you around makes things more fun so yes, Alex, I like you. Satisfied?"
"Yes, thank you."
Alex could accept that. It sounded like it started as pity but now she actually did like him. That was good. Maybe that meant he could get away with staying here longer than planned after all. No doubt he would have to move on someday but he wanted to maximize on his time with her as much as possible.
Later that night when Claire was in the shower he looked up what tightness in the chest meant and discovered it was caused by anxiety. He was anxious at the thought of not having Claire around.
He discovered something else too. He disliked being anxious even more than he disliked feeling helpless. Not all emotions were created equal. Some were good, some were bad.
Alex thought he understood why the Agency wiped all of the Numbers' emotions away now. Negative emotions prevented you from thinking straight in the middle of a fight. Positive ones made you sympathize for the targets, which was the last thing an agent was supposed to do.
He couldn't believe he had ever thought he could go back to that life after observing Claire a little longer. After experiencing things through her eyes there was no way he could ever accept such a strict, boring existence ever again.
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