Bab 26: Roomies (2)

Joon-woo's face flattened at the sight. On his board sat 'kitten' in large letters. He frowned and looked to Hyun, who had decided such.

"Hyung, why?" Joon-woo asked, annoyance escaping his tone.

Hyun smiled at him, breaking out into laughter as he looked at Joon-woo's board.

"My drawing is so accurate to you!" Jaesang egotistically said, gesturing to the simple cat drawing next to the lettering.

It wasn't poorly drawn, but Joon-woo thought his to be better. But more importantly, the drawing was a blank-faced black cat. Hyun-Ok seemed to find the comparison accurate, as he chuckled at Joon-woo's annoyed expression.

Jesus, he thought, would he be known as a kitten in this life too? And it wasn't even left at that. His emoji was also a cat… but written in parenthesis next to it was 'kitten'. Joon-woo shook his head.

"Hyung." Joon-woo groaned, "Why?" He asked again

Hyun tilted his head, "You are avoidant and quiet and you always look at us with much thought…" He explained. "Even your hair–" He gestured to Joon-woo's longer hair, "Like a cat, but you're small and young, so like a kitten." He explained.

"Yes, yes– When I saw you and Reggie talk for the first time. I saw a stiffly stood kitten and an overly excited puppy." Jaesang further explained.

Joon-woo shook his head, 'small', he had been called 'small' again. "I don't want to room with you guys anymore…" He joked, looking away out of annoyance.

Hyun-Ok cooed, "The youngest is still acting like a cat…" He said, calm composure breaking into laughter.

Joon-woo huffed. Maybe rooming with these guys would be as bad.

–+–

In Ha-rin's arms lie Ju Hae. And draped across their bodies were cutesy magical girl dresses that ended just above their mid-thigh. Loosely hung around their neck was a ribbon and their hair was pulled into space buns. In Ha-rin's arms Ju Hae was pale and unconscious.

It was the first show of their first world tour, and Ju Hae had passed out in Ha-rin's arms on stage. And in front of her were thousands of concerned fans, in horror, looking upon her. Lightsticks suddenly stopped waving. Music suddenly stopped playing.

And staff– why was no staff coming out to help? Why was no one slinging Ju Hae over their backs and getting her off stage? Why were they letting this sight be seen for so long? Why hadn't Ha-rin taken action?

Ha-rin recalled Ju Hae's eating habits like the back of her hand. The hand-sized daily diets, the comments, the scales drastic number drops. And here Ha-rin sat, eyes piercing her and staring at her lack of leadership ability.

Staff, she thought, where were they? Ju Hae's breath was slow as if she was exhausted, slow as in slowing and slowing. Staff, why weren't they helping?

Joon-woo woke up, breathing heavily. His body was warm with cold sweats and the weight of the blanket suddenly felt anything but comfy. He threw it off of him and sat up.

It was dark. The dorm was dark, the small window reflected dark, and the sound of snoring filled his ears. Joon-woo peered at the analog clock upon the wall. It was 4:47 A.M. and Joon-woo knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again.

The memory haunted him. As after that day, their group was headlined as something unfavorable. The clip of Ha-rin, leader of Cheerleader, frozen with her passed out member in her arms, had gone viral. Pity collected and protests rang constantly at their company and Ju Hae was hospitalized.

Ha-rin, at the time, didn't know that the white hospital bed she visited everyday to, would be the one Ju Hae would live in for the next four months. For the rest of the tour, for the rest of Cheerleader's time as a group. Ha-rin didn't know that Ju Hae would never be able to perform again.

He stood from the bed, trying to be as quiet as possible as he entered the cramped bathroom. He even closed the door behind him without light, and only flipped the switch after. A messy bathroom welcomed him.

Joon-woo, even in his poverty, was the only one out of the four to have a cover over his tooth brush. The sink was covered in dried toothpaste and a bag of floss sticks was left open and awkwardly tilted. It was… so gross.

The Ha-rin in Joon-woo had forgotten that men were the dirtiest people alive, and he began to wipe at the toothpaste stains, to clean the mess. And despite his disgust, he found cleaning calming, it was something that helped him calm down as Ha-rin too.

Cleanliness was her favorite thing besides drawing. Ha-rin kept her side of the room as tidy as could be, Joon-woo too. If it wasn't clean, it wasn't livable. If it wasn't clean, she wasn't clean. And he too, could never.

Joon-woo looked in the mirror and saw Ha-rin looking back. He saw Ha-rin in his hair, in his eyes, in his nose, in his cheeks, in his hands, in his bones.

He saw Ha-rin, face teary with protest and wrists red with bruises. He saw Ha-rin, sketching with a worn pencil. He saw Ha-rin, in a meeting room, alone, alone and without her members. Alone and a leader. He saw Ha-rin and she didn't see him.

His breath felt heavy as someone that wasn't Ha-rin looked back at him. Park Joon-woo. Park Joon-woo in a small apartment with a noose hanging overhead. Park Joon-woo not Jung Ha-rin.

Ha-rin was dead. Ha-rin had been dead for a week and she hadn't existed since. Ha-rin was Joon-woo.

Yet, as Joon-woo's legs gave out under pressure, the idea still baffled him. Ha-rin wanted to die and Ha-rin hadn't. Ha-rin lived in the body of a young boy and the boy sat slumped against the bathroom wall of a dirty four person dorm, on a set to a infamously rigged survival show.

The boy, Park Joon-woo, heard a knock at the bathroom door. He flinched up, looking at the door while licking his lips.

"Eonni…" A familiar coo that only lived in the memory of Ha-rin spoke. "Eonni, I'm hungry…" Said Ju Hae. Said a Ju Hae that Joon-woo thought sounded too real. "I'm so hungry…" She whined at the door, pounding at it, punching at it.

Joon-woo rocked back and forth, "I'm sorry…" He whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"Won't you tell it to stop? My stomach? Tell it to stop Eonni, please…" Ju Hae cried from the other side of the door. "It's hurting me, tell it to stop…" Ju Hae weakly cried.

And Joon-woo, in the midst of his delusion, swore he saw it, heard it. The coughing, the red, the blood. "I'm so sorry…" He quietly muttered, eyes fixated on the pool of thrown up blood slowly pooling from under the door. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"

"Why couldn't you make it stop?" Ju Hae asked, as her voice faded, disappearing in sobs, disappearing in hungry grumbles. And suddenly, the blood was gone. Ha-rin left guilty and Joon-woo in shambles.

He looked at his hands as they shook. Shook beyond his control and numb. His nose was running with snot, triggered by the few tears that had trickled down his face. And there was a knock.

"Joon-woo?" A voice, real in this universe, in this life asked. "Is everything okay?" It was Ryeo Hyun, who always seemed to catch Joon-woo at his worst.

Joon-woo sat, curled into himself and non-verbal. He couldn't bring himself to reply, the image of blood still clear in his mind, Ju Hae's begging voice still replaying.

Hyun fiddled with the doorknob, as if testing its lock. "I–I heard something fall, was that you?" He asked, voice a bit groggy, but real altogether.

"'M fine." Joon-woo's voice weakly cracked. "I fell." He said.

Hyun fiddled with the doorknob again, "Are you hurt?" He asked, "If so unlock the door, let me help." He added, groggy voice wiped away and concern in replacement.

Joon-woo looked over himself. His hands, knees, arms, and found himself fine. "I'm not hurt." He said, "I'm fine."

Hyun sighed, "Okay." He replied, sounding a bit helpless.

Joon-woo heard Hyun's footsteps return to his bed slowly and cautiously. And relieved, he began to push himself off the bathroom floor. His legs felt weak at the pressure, but he pushed through. Hyun would eventually get suspicious if he sat for too long.

He stood and saw himself in the mirror, for just a moment though, as he looked away soon after. It almost scared him, seeing the very essence of his reflection. It did scare him. Not because his eyes were red and puffy, or because his whole expression just looked… sad. It was because his reflection looked unfamiliar. Like a stranger was living within him, and there basically was, he thought.

Sure, Ha-rin and Joon-woo were similar in the sense that they lived miserable lives and resorted to suicide as a way out. But they were strangers. Ha-rin was the leader of Cheerleader, Ha-rin was the infamous whore of an idol and Joon-woo was 18 and just wanted to debut. They would never be truly similar, Joon-woo thought.

He splashed water over his face and refused to even acknowledge the mirror in front of him. If his eyes were puffy, the dark would cover them, cover him. And as he slowly began to exit the bathroom, he looked down. He looked down as if to double check that there was no pooling blood under the door.

And when he slowly pulled open the door, there was no Ju Hae slumped upon it, body that of just bones. He sighed, beginning his way back to the bunk beds of a snoring Jaesang and silently sleeping Hyun-Ok.

Hyun appeared to be lying down, but facing the wall and away from Joon-woo. He probably wasn't sleeping.

And Joon-woo was right, as he settled onto his own bed, nestling in his own covers, he heard Hyun's familiar voice.

"Hey, Joon-woo." He called.

Joon-woo was too tired to panic at this point and just stayed silent.

"I'm not gonna pretend that I understand anything about you." Hyun continued, in reference to the practice room fight, he figured. "We're different people and have gone through different things."

Joon-woo narrowed his eyes and frowned. He was tired.

"But I also don't want to think that you can't rely on anyone here." Hyun said, "Yong Sunbae has taken a liking to you, and by proxy Hyun-Ok Hyung. Reggie is basically infatuated with you and Jaesang thinks you're a good guy." He explained, much to Joon-woo's tired figure.

Joon-woo was silent.

"All I'm trying to say is that you don't need to do everything alone." Hyun said as he began to hear a quiet snore coming from the bunk across from him. Hyun-Ok was a silent sleeper so the quiet snores could only be from Joon-woo.

He chuckled, "Goodnight, then." Hyun said.