Bab 1: Chapter 1
Going back to Hogwarts to repeat a final year was supposed to be about education, yet, for Draco Malfoy, it was anything but. It was going to be the most crucial few months in his entire life. Possibly hard to navigate too, with a high risk for a kind of failure where you don't get a second chance if you fuck up, but no pain, no gain, right?
His father was threatening to disown him just by hearing his son wanted to return to Hogwarts, when he could have gone to any other school, or just take the final exams. And that was just their first clash, before Lucius had heard about the potions Draco wanted to take.
"We came out of the war with our lives. We still have enough money for you to live a comfortable life. Don't wake the sleeping dragon, Draco. Not now."
"First of all, father… yes, we survived - barely - but that's no thanks to you. Potter did more in that department than you," Draco told him, looking at his mother, who just gave his hand a squeeze, hearing that. "And if this war taught me anything is that life is short while you-- how shall I put it? Don't know what the fuck you're doing. So if I decide to go after my wand, and it doesn't work, I'm no worse than any of your past mistakes, and at least I got to try."
"Or I'll disown you, perhaps. It's easy to critique my choices when you hadn't worked a single day for the Malfoy money," Lucius' eyes were cold and promising no good at the same time, which used to terrify Draco. Not anymore. There were worse things.
"No offense, father, but neither did you," Draco said, when his mother was about to speak up to defend Draco - that was also new. But Draco didn't need it. "And by all means, please, go ahead, and sever our ties, if you want to, it only would make my plans easier, and quite frankly, I can give a rat's arse about money."
True, it was a shock to his previously "perfect" life when Lucius went to prison. When Draco had to take his place. When Voldemort lived with them. But it was also a wake-up call.
Fear should have never kept him from being true to what was important. Not when his father was ordering him around, nor when it was Voldemort. Not when Draco was bullying other students, so desperately trying to be the Prince of Slytherin that he grew to despise himself.
"Are you… sure about this, Draco?" Narcissa was with him when he was about to take the potion that was the first of many. She was more nervous than he was. But supportive, even when Lucius wasn't, and that's all Draco needed. Just one person to reassure him he wasn't completely crazy for feeling the way he felt - his entire life.
All the times he was choking on the inside. When he didn't fit into his skin. When on the surface he had everything, but he felt like there was an unwritten script he had no chance but to follow, even if it kept him from everything he ever truly wanted.
"I'm sure," Draco reassured her. "If anything, I'm only sorry I didn't do this sooner. No matter how… terrifying prospect the future can be, it can never be worse than dying inside a little, every single day."
It made his mother cry, and Draco was also in tears, so he hugged her tightly, before letting her go and adding.
"Besides, what's the worse thing that could happen, right?" he tried to take it lightly. "If I can't leave the Manor without people being unpleasant about it, well, then, it's not much different than how they are treating us now. At least this way I'll know I've tried. To do better."
"I just want to make sure you are doing this for yourself. Not using it as a Slytherin tactic because you think that's the right move for the family, after everything that's happened," Narcissa told him.
"Mother, this might be strange, coming from me, and it'll also sound a bit crude no doubt but… fuck the family name, and all its dated traditions that serve no one anymore. And father, too. I'm doing this despite him, not for him."
"I'm so proud of you," Narcissa was smiling now, from behind her tears, and it was one of the rare times when her eyes seemed to smile too. " But I can help but feel like it's my fault, for never standing up to him, before."
"It isn't," Draco told her. "You've always loved me, and that's all I could ask for, or possibly need."
Finally, he drank the potion and had to lay down, his magic busy with the changes. It also took a series of brews, while he spent most of the days sleeping for more than a week, but Narcissa never left his bedside through it all, which made him strong even when the transition made him tired.
The change wasn't affecting her on the outside as it did inside her head. For the first time in a long time, if Draco had thought about the future, it didn't seem bleak. She couldn't have known what was going to happen, but… she had to spend a couple of days with the feeling to realize what it really was. Hope. Hope that she never had before. A driving force that made life worth living.
It was as if she suddenly saw colors she didn't even know existed before, and even when she wasn't looking directly at them, a satisfying hum resonated in the back of her mind all the time.
"The healer says the changes are complete, you just need to rest a couple of days more," Narcissa told Draco, after the last checkup, pampering her by giving him fruits and water in bed herself, instead of calling an elf.
"I feel good," Draco sat up, in the bed. "Better than that, even. I want to go out."
"Erm, I'm not sure if that's advisable given everything," Narcissa said, but when Draco was already getting up, she seemed to change her mind, because not only did she help Draco transfigure some clothes, but she also combed Draco's hair, and used her own broach to secure it. "How about a little light shopping? You'll need a few things for school, and some new clothes, at your father's expanse, of course…"
"Sounds great," Draco said. "Perhaps we could get me some garments that aren't black, too?"
"You've read my mind," Narcissa said. "Just one more thing, before we leave…"
"Yes?"
"When we're in public, would you like me to call you by a new name?"
"I decided to keep Draco," Draco said.
"We could also modify Draco—"
"No," Draco quickly interrupted her, even if she had the best intentions on her mind. "I don't need a diminutive or a feminine form of my name. It's part of who I am. Even if it means a different version of a 'Draco' to me than to most people, they just have to get used to it, now that the difference is more perceptible."
Narcissa only nodded, and when Lucius asked where they were going, she flashed a proud smile at her husband.
"I'm taking our daughter to do some shopping. You'll have to do without the elves too for the afternoon, I'm afraid, because they'll be too busy carrying our purchases."
Lucius' eyes flashed at Draco with a warning, but he was also smart enough to hold his tongue about his palpable disapproval. For then, at least.
"Just what I wanted to suggest. It's good to have the elves close just in case of… any unforeseen trouble."
"How kind of you, father," Draco said. As if the elder Malfoy wasn't playing cruel mind games, dressing them up as concern. In turn, Draco didn't hesitate to send him to hell with the most polite, sarcastic Slytherin tone, ever.
"You know, I've always wanted a son, but that's maybe because my father wanted an Heir," Lucius rose from his desk, when Narcissa had already gone through the Floo, and Draco was ready to follow her. "But who is to say that having a daughter doesn't have some merits? After all, witches are like properties of their families according to magical tradition. And the Malfoy name could gain a lot by an arranged marriage, soon."
It was a threat, not even a carefully veiled one at that, probably meant to provoke Draco, but it was also a miscalculation. Draco was calm and centered. Finally, she was free. Finally, she could spare her mental energy and magic fighting for herself, not fighting herself. It would have taken a lot more than one malicious comment to rattle her.
"Well, we'll just have to see," Draco told him. "At this moment, it seems to me that you still can't Imperio me to sign anything, or you wouldn't come to me with empty threats, behind mother's back. Not to mention, there isn't a long line of good prospects waiting outside the Manor, eager to take our family name, and that has nothing to do with me, but correct me if I'm wrong."
"You think yourself smarter than me, don't you? Well, congratulations, daughter. Enjoy your precious feeling of superiority while it lasts," Lucius could only hiss.
"I intend to."
"But for the record, I had to make some tough choices, and I have always done what thought was for the best. And while I always wished a better future for my heir, I dare you to criticize my choices when you can find it in yourself to say you went through the same, and got better results, in the end."
"Did something happen?" Narcissa's head appeared in the Floo, concerned by how long it took for Draco to arrive, but Draco only shook her head.
"I'll be right there, mother. Just having a conversation with father," and she even waited until Narcissa disappeared, before adding. "I find that you speak the truth, father."
"If that's meant as an apology--"
"It's not," Draco could only laugh. "My truth is different from yours. Starting with what we value in life the most. Trying to force me to live by your rules hurt me more than you can ever imagine. But, it's still not too late. Instead of controlling someone else, maybe you could start to live your life as well. Even if grandfather Abraxas wouldn't approve."
"How dare you," Lucius' voice was quiet, but not because he was calm, if anything, just the opposite. "I've never had a single conflict with my father my entire life."
"Maybe that's a good thing. I wouldn't know," Draco wasn't going to pretend to know for sure she was right, even if she had an inkling, and a reason why she brought the topic up. "But that only means that you have to learn a new way of communication when you're talking with me. Because no matter how we disagree, I don't appreciate threats."
"I wasn't making threats."
"I should hope so," Draco didn't even argue that point. "Because if you were, I could only reciprocate in the only language you seem to understand. And I would have to tell you that after what happened in the war, nobody would blame mother and me if we left you. And not only you wouldn't get to decide whom I marry, but you wouldn't have an heir at all."
"I could always have some more heirs."
"You could, maybe, with the aid of some potions," Draco agreed. "But mother loves you, and you love her. So if for nothing else, you could at least tolerate me for her sake. Even if you disagree with everything I do, that shouldn't break up the family. Not after everything we've gone through during the war."
"I still can't… walk into some rooms of the Manor," his father's tone suddenly shifted.
"You're afraid you turn the corridor, and the Dark Lord will be there, or if not him, his snake, or any of his truly deranged followers," Draco understood it perfectly, because she was plagued by the same visions both asleep and awake, just as she suspected Narcissa was.
"Yes. I never wished to hear screams every time I close my eyes, in my own home," Lucius agreed, as if truly shaken, but it also could have been just a tactic, because he was quick to add. "But that's exactly why I told you to not pull more attention from people who already despise us. Don't go back to Hogwarts, go somewhere else."
"No," Draco shook her head, ready to leave, because just when she thought they were getting somewhere, they were back to square zero, it seemed.
"And if you must return to that cursed school, I'd buy you the best charm that's available to alter how your appearance is perceived by others, just don't go as…"
"A witch?" Draco couldn't help but ask sharply, just so her emotions wouldn't threaten to burst out.
"A target," Lucius said. "If you want to openly live as a witch, that's fine too. Just do it later. Now, neither your mother, nor I have any sway over the media or the Ministry to protect you."
"But that's just the thing," Draco said. "I'm strong. Stronger this way than under charms that are meant to conceal me. And it pains me that you don't even try to understand that, even if you're truly convinced that you're only doing what's best for me."
Lucius didn't say anything, and Draco had said everything she could, so she just left.
It was also a disappointment when she invited her friends over, and Blaise left without saying a word when he saw that Draco was wearing a dress. But that only made Draco happier, when Pansy throw her arms around her, as if ready the squeeze the life out of Draco.
"I'm so happy for you, Draco!!! I mean… sorry," she quickly let her go, and extended a hand. "Nice to meet you, I'm going to be your BFF, Pansy. How can I call you?"
"I'm keeping my name," Draco could only softly laugh at her antics. "But apart from that, not much, I have to admit. Maybe not even my father."
"You have to tell me everything. You didn't call me. You could have! I would have been here for you, you know," she said, and perhaps she meant it too.
"It would have been boring since the potions made me sleepy," Draco admitted, but she also knew that was not entirely the reason why, and she promised herself that she'll try to be more forthcoming than before, so she had to extend that answer with another one. "And truth to be told, I wasn't ready."
"I understand. So we just have to hang out all the more now. How about… matching nail polish? A girls' night? Don't tell anyone, but I have a Muggle contraption that shows moving pictures that tell stories. And they aren't half-bad."
"You aren't… kidding?" Draco wasn't sure.
"If you have a problem with Muggles, then let me tell you--"
"Merlin, I don't," Draco could only give that an indignified huff. "But I didn't know you didn't."
"If you think only you have secrets, Draco, you don't even know half of it."
"Don't tell me," Draco tried to act horrified. "You also like Muggle food?"
"Not especially. I had been dating a clueless Muggle the whole summer, though," she just shrugged. "And, I had been dying to tell someone every little detail, so suit yourself."
"Now I know you're shitting me," Draco must have looked like she was Petrified wearing her dumbest expression, but she just couldn't believe it. Of all people, Pansy, not just tolerating Muggle tech, but also a Muggle guy?
"It's only practical," Pansy dramatically sighed. "I'm not allowed to leave the country at the moment because of my parents, 'for my safety'. And every eligible wizard - and witch, for that matter - remembers me trying to hand over Potter, their precious savior, to You-Know-Who, so that's not a good look."
"Maybe not?" Draco could only shyly suggest, making her laugh.
"Definitely not. So imagine, I got so desperate that I found myself in a Muggle club," Pansy laid down on Draco's bed to tell the whole story, taking a pillow as a hostage, just as she did when they were kids. "But what was desperation in the beginning, quickly turned to admiration."
"Oh?" Draco didn't even have to feign interest by asking.
"Just imagine… if Muggles need to lift something, they don't use a spell like us. And there's something called weightlifting, and whatever that entails, color me impressed by the results."
"Meaning, they are fit?" Draco had to guess.
"Oh yeah," Pansy nodded with great enthusiasm, pulling out a black rectangle from her pocket. "I can also show you pictures you won't believe, on my phone."
The pictures didn't move so Draco couldn't decide whether they were real, and - almost too - soon, the dark rectangle went completely dark, and Pansy said it needed charging, whatever it meant, but by then, they were having so much fun just talking that it didn't matter.
The only downside of Draco having her best friend back was when they had to say goodbye, and she was missing Pansy badly because Pansy didn't choose to go back to school. But it's not like she wanted Pansy to fight her battles for her. And Draco expected the apologies she owed would be also easier to accept if she was to approach everyone on her mental list without her usual "Draco Malfoy" bravado, anyway.
Meaning: no more lies, no more insults, and no more entourage, even if the very same things were also the only self-preservation tactics she'd known.
When she told Lucius he was going to have to learn some new coping skills didn't just apply to him. It also meant that Draco herself had been thinking a lot(!) about different strategies lately, with the school year starting in only a few days.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
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