Bab 11: Confidence
It has been two and a half months since I started to pour down my thoughts in my diary, my diary was a present given by my father on my birthday. I loved the diary, it was both pink and white in colour and had a lock too. I never had any intention to write a diary at that time but then I just wanted to keep it with me.
I met Rachel when I was 7 years old, as far as I remember, it was my aunt Helen who introduced me to her. We met occasionally during parties at that time. Since Rachel, Justin and I were of same age, we used to played together, Justin always pinched her cheeks just to look at her face which would turn red, it was his favorite thing to do and he never missed a chance to see her reaction whenever he teased her, it was a kind of satisfaction for him to tease her and that didn't change to this day. Even though Justin always teased her, he took care of her whenever she was depressed. He knew her before me as their mothers were best friends. I was ten years old when Rachel's parents took divorce. She always cried, it was very difficult for her to see her parents to fall apart in front of her. Justin's mother brought Rachel to her house for a few days and then Rachel was transferred to my school. My aunt and my uncle love her a lot, sometimes I wondered if Justin was their own child whenever I look at the way they to treat her. I often used to go to my aunt's house to meet her and play with her. We grew together and we never hid anything from each other. There were times we argued and didn't talk to each other but at the end we always used to sort it out at the end. I never thought that things would change between us.
It was in the month of august, five and a half months ago. Just like any other day I went to fill my bottle to see Austin. He changed a lot in these two years, he looked handsome than he was before. I filled bottle and glanced at him before leaving and then I left, while coming towards my class I saw the notice board. It was about the competitions held by our school to select few students to participate in Q.A.E.S.
Q.A.E.S( Q Archdiocese of Educational Society) is one of the largest chain school in YYY country. There are twenty schools and are managed by the Archdiocese. Every year competitions are held by Q.A.E.S in the month of February in which students of all those twenty schools participate in the competitions. The competitions include sports, cultural, elocution and essay writing.
Rachel came and stood beside me, she looked at the notice board and then at me, she understood what I was thinking just by looking at my face.
"Are you sure about this," she asked me.
I nodded to her and said a yes.
"What do you say? Shall we participate in this year's competition?" I asked her. She stepped back and raised her hand to her shoulder level. "Not even in my dreams." I laughed at the way she replied.
"Okay, I'm not forcing you to participate with me," I said.
"Thankyou for your kindness. Let's go to the class now since you saw your guy " she said and grabbed my wrist and we headed towards our class.
I went to Cindy, our class representative to gather more information about the competition. She has been our class representative since seventh standard. I went to her and told her that I wanted to participate in elocution. She went to her bench and took out her note book from her bag and opened a page in which there were names of the participants from our class, she wrote down my name and told me that next week my class teacher would let her know about the topics and also about the date.
I gave a smile and went back to my place and sat beside Rachel.
"Are you participating for him ?" Rachel asked me.
I shook my head and replied, "not exactly. I want to try doing something which I never did, I want to change myself." She looked at me and smiled but didn't tell anything.
After looking at her expression I understood that she was happy for what I was doing or going to do.
Few days later, our teacher gave us the topics and then she told that the competition would be held on Thursday which was two weeks later.
Just like any other day, after having our lunch, Rachel and I went to fill our bottles but I didn't go towards Austin's class as I wanted to take a stroll in the ground.
I told her that I had to go back to the class and practise. She told that it would be better if I practise by standing in front of her and imagine her as one the audience.
I paused for a minute, I closed my eyes took a deep breathe and then when I opened my eyes I saw Rachel wasn't in front of me. I looked towards my right side and saw her rush towards an empty bench which was under a tree. The place where she sat was near to the basket ball court.
"Okay, start now," she said.
"Can't you stand even for five minutes ?" I asked her with my arms crossed against my chest.
"Why should I stand when there's place to sit and also my legs might start to pain if I stand even for a minute," she shrugged. Always a drama queen.
"Alright!! start now," she said with a wide smile.
I stood in front of her and gave my speech with confidence and after I completed, she gave me a hug.
"That was amazing, so proud of you, don't loose your confidence, you can do it," she continued to hug.
I practised day and night so that I could become perfect. At home, I sometimes stood in front of the mirror and at school during lunch hours, Rachel and I would to go to that bench everyday. I used to give my speech while she used to sit on the bench and listen to me while having her chips. And that eontinued for two weeks.
Finally the day has come. I was already nervous and looking at the crowd I lost my confidence. I was to tears but didn't let them fall, I was controlling myself. I wanted to runaway, I took a step back but then I thought that if I step back further then everything I did for today since two weeks would go in vain.
"Jessica, you have to do it no matter what," I told to myself.
A part of me, told to go for it while the other half was said to me not to do it, people would make fun if something goes wrong. I took another step back and gave a thought that I won't be able to do it.
When I turned back, I saw a tall guy who stood behind me one step away. I could only see his chest as he was tall, I raised my head and looked at the tall figure and realised that it was Austin.
'Thankgod, I didn't take two steps back. My head would've hit his chest and that would be another embarrassing situation with him' I thought.
"Hey!" he said.
He looked even more handsome in close up. His hair was messy which made him look attractive. There was a kind of spark in his eyes which melted my heart as always, his jawline outlined his handsome face, his perfectly shaped red lips were slightly moving.
'Shit!! his lips are in motion, he is saying something to me' I said to myself and was alarmed and came back to my senses: he was talking about my speech.
I smiled and gave a nod but didn't talk anything because I didn't listen to what he told and also I was speechless because he stood very close to me.
I never understand, why I always get lost in my thoughts and also I'm so stupid, I have to give speech in few minutes and here I was busy admiring him.
"I asked did you give your speech or are you going to give," I guess he repeated his words since I didn't hear him.
"I.... am going to give my speech in a while, I didn't give yet," I said sheepishly and smiled.
I scolded myself for behaving like an idiot.
"That's nice," he said.
He then spoke to his friends who stood to my left side.
I don't know why, all of a sudden I wanted to talk to him and tell him that I was loosing my confidence.
Even though he was my crush, he was not close to me. We hardly spoke to each other, I always felt happy whenever I spoke to him but this was different, I never shared my feelings with him and also I didn't know if he would understand my situation because its easy for a person like him to talk in front of people but for a person like me its difficult.
I turned my head towards him and saw that he was already looking at me.
He came towards me and said, " you can do it, don't lose your confidence."
He talked to me as if he knew what I wanted to say.
"Will I be able to do it ?" I asked him .
"If a person can do something, it means you can do it too. If a person can't do it you should try doing it," his words hit me hard.
"I will do it," I said and gave him a bright smile.
He was right, if other students could stand and give speech, I can do it too. LI should at least give a try, I cannot let my two weeks of handwork go in vain. I was determined.
I heard my teacher announce my name, I went and gave my speech. It was not great but it wasn't bad either. I was able to tell with confidence and without any mistake, it was my first time to stand in front of many people and to give a speech was something great for a person like me.
That day, he said only two sentences and those two sentences became her motto since then. If she didn't talk to him that day, she wouldn't have given her speech. Jessica would've lost her confidence and she would've never tried to do something like that again.
Sometimes, things we do unintentionally cause a big change in our life. It might turn out into a good thing or a bad thing. At that time Jessica didn't know that her wish to participate in the competition would be a cause for a change in her friendship. While she was trying for something, she was losing something at the same time and she didn't realise until it was too late.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone